“Break up, and can’t Move on? Clear the Three Ties that Bind You to Your Ex Today”
Breaking up is hard to do.
Whether the break up is mutual, one-sided, out-of-blue, or a long time coming…whether it’s from a healthy relationship, or a toxic relationship, it still hurts.
The relationship could have ended last week or last decade, however you might still be feeling stuck and unable to move on no matter how much you want to let go.
Although the person may no longer be physically in your life, certain emotional, habitual, and energetic connections can remain in place long after the relationship has been called off. The result is that we feel bonded, and struggle to get the ex out of our minds and hearts.
To let go gracefully, you need to know about the three different bonds that keep people connected . Once you become aware of these connection points, you can take steps to release them gently, and get the relief of moving on completely.
When we enter a relationship, we invest ourselves emotionally, energetically, and by lifestyle with the other person. These investments need to be addressed. Here is a break down of the three ties that bind, and how to clear them.
No matter how you evaluate the relationship, it was a connection with another person and it hurts to break a connection. Don’t resist or suppress anything that you believe you shouldn’t be feeling. Let it out. You can journal, you can cry, you can talk to a friend and get it off your chest. Anger, powerlessness, resentment, abandonment, jealousy, fear, grief, despair, unworthiness, rejection…these are are normal things to feel.
Ending a relationship is a loss, and allowing yourself to go through the process of grieving will help you to move through and move on. The human brain and nervous system registers emotional pain and physical pain similarly, so do not underestimate the power of emotional wounding. Emotional healing from a break up involves attuning to your emotions. Resisting your natural emotional responses to the break up can lock them up inside of you, making it more difficult to let go while blocking you from opportunities to make new connections in the future.
Certain people see or allow you to express and nurture the parts of you that you want to develop, like creativity, intellect, curiosity, playfulness, responsibility. This can feel growthful and exciting. A relationship can become a part of our identities. Getting conscious about which parts of you were ‘shining’ in the relationship can serve as a reminder – that these are your qualities, you take them with you everywhere you go. You may have suppressed these feelings or be living in them, regardless you need to feel them deliberately to move on. To do this, I recommend Michael Brown’s Presence Process. http://www.thepresenceprocessportal.com/
Our partners can become our emotional support, and letting go can create a void. If this is the case for you, it’s important to seek emotional support in other ways, while also investigating this void. What is the void telling you that you are missing? What is the missing experience or resource that this ex-partner stepped in for? Was it the natural need for encouragement, support, connection, excitement? To feel needed? To be the reliable one? Is it a wound of abandonment? Or rejection? Of feeling alone or forsaken? We often gravitate towards partners who activate our childhood wounds, and breaking up can intensify these wounds. Click here to learn more about self-love.
It can sometimes be more complicated to let go, if the relationship was toxic, because there are more hurts and confusions to resolve. Intimate relationships can trigger all the sore spots of our childhood wounds, and so letting go can bring up old pain, attachment wounds, and emotional injuries from the past. Certain pains of break ups (like feeling abandonment, rejected, not good enough) can be more intense where these wounds are already in place from childhood experiences. For now, you may feel like reconnecting with yourself is the most nourishing thing to do.
You can go a step deeper and identify what were your sticking points in the relationship. What were you willing to sacrifice in exchange for what need? (for example, the need for loyalty in exchange for independence, the need for certainty in exchange for growth? The need to be appreciated in exchange for too much personal energy. It can feel empowering to get conscious of what your true needs are, and then to make deliberate choices that meet your needs in a nourishing way. Letting go of the relationship can feel like losing parts of you, these are the parts of you that need your undivided attention.
There are two main points of connection energetically. One is energetic cords, and the other is simply the other person’s energy in your auric field. Energy cords connect you with the other person at a distance, and can even act a channel of communication/energy exchange, where you can feel the thoughts, emotions, and presence and continue to be influenced by the energy pattern of the person on the other side. Cords are created when we exchange energy with the other person in a certain pattern enough times that an energetic cord is made on those exchanged energies. Cords need to be dissolved with love and positive resolution.
When you connect your consciousness with a cord you may be able to sense where in your body it comes from, where on the other person’s body it attaches to, and the energies of the pattern that created the bond. For example, you may find that a cord extends from your heart to the other’s heart, from your solar plexus to the other’s sacral centre, from third eye to third eye, or third eye to heart. It all depends on the dynamics within the relationship. To dissolve the cord harmlessly, it’s important to suss out the lesson.
For example you may feel the signature of obedience, oppression, guilt, doubt, hard time letting go, wanting more, wanting to give, etc. Learn from the energies and look for the more empowering and more wholesome stance. For example you may need to realise that you are worth your own energy, that you don’t need to suffer, that you neglect yourself for others, that you are controlling or fearful in relationships. Once you find your lesson, you can dissolve the cord lovingly from a position of self-responsibility.
Clearing the other person’s energy from your field does not require you to isolate a lesson, it’s simply a matter of transmuting the energies themselves. You can use the age old technique of dissolving the energy with white light. You may find that the energy exists in your field outside of your body, and may even correspond to the places around you where the other person spent more time (For example the side that they slept on in bed). This can feel like the person is around you, and can influence you in the same ways that the person’s physical presence did. Clearing it can create a sense of peace and ease.
Habits and routine. Our daily or weekly lifestyles are often centered around a relationship with our significant other. The phone call you used to make on your way home from work, the Sunday morning coffee can start to feel like empty time that you are not sure how to fill.
It can help to get yourself into a new routine, a new activity, a new environment, just to shake things up and give yourself a new experience. Back up your old habits with new ones that you decide to create.
To shake things up you can clear your closet, reorganise your furniture, try a new recipe, join an interest group, do something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet, try a new coffee shop, or start a new after-work habit like a mindfulness meditation, a song that you listen to. If you are not sure where to start, here are some tips for changing habits with mindfulness:
Choose to do whatever feels more exciting/empowering/ and use the lessons you learned in your needs assessment to inform the activity you want to try. This will shift your mindset, and also your biochemistry, and set your brain on making new connections and associations, which will be a refreshing and allow you to create new energies, associations, and experiences that are just for you.
Rachel Anenberg (BA, BSW, MSW) is a spiritual psychotherapist practising in Sydney’s Northern Beaches, and remotely online. She facilitates sessions for individuals and couples who want to heal and grow. She uses a combination of energy work and psychological intervention to provide emotional and spiritual healing.