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Using the defense mechanism of withdrawal means to escape from reality by withdrawing from it.  Of course, reality in this case would be something that provokes anxiety, such as an uncomfortable situation. Think of a husband who works long hours, not because he must do so for the sake of his job, but because he’d rather not have to communicate with his wife.  Another example might be aExa couple who watches TV all evening rather than doing something meaningful together to build their relationship.

The withdrawing person uses his or her own fantasies as a substitute for experiencing the real world.  The fantasy is much easier to deal with and does not cause anxiety.

People who depend on withdrawal do not often express their feelings.  Of course, this very often frustrates their spouses, who are lonely and looking for an emotional connection.

One final point: another way to withdraw from reality is to drink.  After the third glass of wine, the mind is dulled enough that the world is easy to deal with.

I want to spend my next few posts writing about how defensive mechanisms manifest themselves in marriages.  Remember that defense mechanisms are adaptations we make to avoid anxiety and to maintain self-esteem. Sigmund Freud was the first to observe and describe defensive processes, but much has changed since Freud’s time.

Many people believe (as did Freud) that defensive processes are always maladaptive and should be weakened or broken down with therapy.  For example, a wife may call her husband “defensive” as if it’s a problem and something he should try to change. (He was probably defensive because she was criticizing him.  But I digress.)

Modern psychological thought has come to view some defense mechanisms as positive and important to the maintenance of good self-esteem.  In fact, severe mental illness (such as psychosis) is sometimes understood as resulting from insufficient defenses.

We all have our own preferred defenses that are vital to coping with the anxieties of life.  How do we come to prefer some defense mechanisms over others?  Trial and error, the stresses we dealt with as children, and the defensive mechanisms that our parents modeled for us can all inform our choice of defenses.

In my next post I’ll look at the defense mechanism of withdrawal.

Marriage remains a mystery. What makes it work for the long-term?  What makes some marriages passionate?  What keeps couples in love—even madly in love—decades after they exchanged their vows? What is the fundamental difference between couples who experience marital happiness and those who do not?

In the recent New York Times article “What Brain Scans Can Tell Us About Marriage,” Tara Parker-Pope reveals how questions such as these fascinate and drive academic researchers, such as a post-doctoral researcher at UCSB, Bianca Acevedo. Dr. Acevedo and others are intrigued by these questions and the “inner workings” of long-term happy marriages. Utilizing a plethora of lab tests (including brain scans and relationship tests), researchers tried to more accurately and tangibly identify what is behind these lasting, loving, and happy marriages.

In one study, Dr. Acevedo, who specifically studies the neuroscience of relationships, conducted a phone survey of 274 men and women in long-term, committed relationships and who considered themselves still madly in love. She collected data related to marital happiness and passionate love and expected to find only a small percentage of couples still deeply in love. Dr. Acevedo was extremely surprised to find nearly 40 percent registering high on the romance scale! Couples in the other 60 percent also had high levels of relationship satisfaction and considered themselves still very much in love—just not as acutely as the first group.

In another study, 17 men and women (married an average of 21 years) agreed to undergo a brain scan so that researchers could try to identify how long-term, romantic relationships affect the brain. When shown a picture of their spouse (as opposed to a friend), parts of the brain related to romantic love were activated—similar to a couple falling in love. What was especially interesting is that in these older couples with longer-term marriages, something additional was identified in the brain scan. For these couples who had weathered life and shared significant experiences together, a unique part of the brain associated with deep attachment and security was activated as well! So, in addition to the euphoric feelings related to romantic love, these couples also experienced feelings of security and calm in the relationship.

So you ask: What did these couples have in common to keep the romance alive all those years? While there is still uncertainty and debate surrounding what specifically fosters and preserves marital happiness, romance, and longevity, these couples did in fact share certain things in common. Researchers discovered the following facts about these couples:

• They remained active and engaged in one another’s lives.
• They were committed to working on and growing the marriage. (They recognized and understood that marriage is work and doesn’t just “go” on its own!)
• They were intentional about doing new and different activities together

As a marriage therapist, what I get out of this article is simple: There are tangible ways to work toward a more satisfying and engaged marriage—one in which you still feel in love! Despite what you may think (and the growing pessimism of the surrounding times and culture), you can be madly in love with your spouse…even decades into your marriage. It can happen. It does exist. And (wink, wink) there are some benefits that you can only enjoy decades into your marriage. Pretty cool stuff.

Last week, I introduced a book by Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage. The author hopes to help men and women learn new rules to help them succeed in their twenty-first-century marriage (probably more challenging now than ever before!). He offers various principles, practical tools, and effective strategies to help create intimacy, honesty, passion, and joy.

Real identifies four principles or “operating instructions” for twenty-first century couples:

1. Relationship Empowerment: This principle focuses on putting your full self and full strength into the relationship. This approach is intentionally different from other options like acquiescing or, alternatively, focusing only on yourself and your needs. Relationship empowerment means valuing and empowering your spouse as well, thus helping the two of you to succeed.
2. Full-Respect Living: Commitment to this principle means that you respect yourself and others (i.e., your spouse) no matter what. Regardless of what comes up, you choose respect. You do not tolerate or perpetuate anything else.
3. Relationship Practice: Similar to Hendrix’s “conscious marriage” this principle calls for the cultivation of a “second consciousness” by continuing to bring the more regressed, ineffective, childish parts of yourself into adulthood. Despite strong (and sometimes seemingly overwhelming) pulls to live into old habits, roles, patterns and behaviors, relationship practice means that you choose (with all of your will!) to continue on a new, more conscious, healthy and rewarding path.
4. Second Consciousness: This principle is about growing or strengthening the above-mentioned part of yourself that is more emotionally and relationally mature, rational, and constructive. This requires a commitment to growth, acquiring additional skills and tools, and empowering yourself to override old knee-jerk responses and reactions (the former consciousness).

With these principles as a foundation, next week I will talk about ten of twenty helpful practices that Real offers couples to strengthen and grow their marriage.

Most people know about and understand the benefits of cardiovascular health and physical fitness. So they go to the gym or go walking or running, and they pay attention to how much they eat and drink. On second thought, not everyone works out and eats right - but they know that they should.

But why isn’t the same (or more) energy and effort spent on keeping marriages strong and toned and in shape? Why is it that people typically pay more attention to their body than they do to their emotional health and relationships?

In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terrence Real applies this concept to a marriage. It doesn’t just take care of itself. You don’t just have a fulfilling, mutually satisfying marriage without work. A successful marriage requires time, energy, and effort. The title of Real’s book also reminds us that we live in a time of exponentially greater change with new roles, expectations and desires. And many people are still trying to make 21^st Century relationships work with a 20^th Century (outdated) model with all of its antiquated perspectives, roles and rules. So that’s not working in our favor either. And when desires and needs aren’t matched with effective skills, tools and training, it’s a recipe for an atrophied relationship!

The New Rules of Marriage offers just that: New rules. Similar to Harville Hendrix’s work, Terrence Real has extremely helpful insight into helping marriages grow and succeed. So for the next few weeks, I will post about the principles, practices, as well as losing and winning strategies Real offers couples to get, give and “sustain and enjoy the closeness that healthy getting and giving brings.”

In previous posts, I’ve talked about a conscious marriage—what it means and what are its key characteristics. In Imago Relationship Therapy, there are various exercises that may be used in couples counseling (as taken from Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix) that help couples work toward a more conscious (meaning aware, honest, and insightful) marriage.

In this post, I will share one of these excersises called Your Relationship Vision. This exercise can be useful for any couple wanting to further define their relational goals and see the potential in their relationship. In the midst of differences, disagreements, and gripes, it can be refreshing to focus on a more hopeful future and the positive qualities you desire in the relationship!

Here are the steps:

1. Separately, write down short sentences that describe your personal vision for a deeply fulfilling relationship. These sentences can include qualities that are already present as well as those that you desire. Write these sentences in the present tense (as if you are already doing these things). For instance, “We laugh a lot” or “We support each other publicly” or “We are involved and loving parents.” Also, make sure that the statements are all stated in the positive. For example, instead of writing, “We don’t yell at each other” state, “We work out our disagreements respectfully.”
2. Next, share these sentences with each other. Underline any sentences that are the same (or express the same idea). Add any sentences to your list that your partner came up with that you agree with and want to add to your personal vision. Don’t do anything with the sentences that are not similar.
3. Looking at your list, rank each sentences with a number between 1 and 5 with “1” being the most important to you and “5” being not so important.
4. On your list, circle the two sentences that are most important to you and your relationship vision.
5. On your list, put a check next to the items that you believe would be the most challenging for you and your partner to achieve.
6. Now, working together, make a new list—a mutual relationship vision—from your individual lists. Start with the sentences that you both agree are most important. Then, put a check next to the sentences that you both agree would be most difficult to achieve. Write the sentences with the less important qualities in an agreed upon order. If there are sentences that cause disagreement, try to compromise on sentences that you both agree on. If this is not possible, leave the sentence off of the list.
7. Put this list where you both can see it daily. Once a week, read it to each other to be reminded about your shared goal and vision for your relationship.

After reading last week’s post on passive-aggressive behavior (aggressive behavior cloaked in a curtain of passivity), you may be more curious about additional signs of passive-aggressiveness. Based on an article by Cathy Meyer, a Marriage Educator, some additional signs are:

• Ambiguity: The passive-aggressive person typically does not say what s/he really wants to say or mean what s/he does actually communicate. S/he can be extremely ambiguous and the best way to learn how a passive-aggressive person thinks or feels about an issue is the way he or she behaves.
• Forgetfulness: One way to conveniently avoid responsibility is to conveniently “forget”… Forgetting important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, date night, etc. is an easy way to indirectly inflict pain or punish a spouse or partner.
• Blaming: Another way to avoid responsibility is to blame. A passive-aggressive person believes that s/he is never at fault and will most likely point the finger at you (easiest target) and, if not you, then something or someone else.
• Lack of Expressed Anger: While the passive-aggressive person may seem copacetic with whatever you want, that is rarely the case. For whatever reason (e.g., anger is unacceptable; I must keep the peace; I don’t want to be exposed, etc.), this person will “stuff” the anger and go along with whatever (accommodate), but will then find some under-handed way to get back at you.
• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
• Fear of Intimacy: Related to dependency, the passive-aggressive person fears intimacy and trust. S/he will guard against becoming too attached and may create distance or punish the significant other if s/he feels this is happening in the relationship.
• Obstructionism: It is important to the passive-aggressive person that you do not get what you want. S/he will act like it is important and a priority but will either make you wait a long time or will never follow through. Thus, it can be confusing because what is said and what is actually done are two very different things. Further, you can begin to feel like you are too demanding, which is exactly what the passive-aggressive person wants.
• Victimization: Along with not accepting responsibility for anything and believing that s/he has no faults, the passive-aggressive person feels that s/he is often treated unfairly. For example, because being late was the slow grocery store cashier’s fault, s/he is “innocent” and the victim. S/he will feel very confused, attacked and outraged that you would even think to get upset. Thus, it is your fault. You are the one with unreasonable and overly demanding expectations…yet again. Or, the passive-aggressive person will sarcastically retort: “Yeah, I’m just terrible. It’s all my fault. I’m such a horrible person.” Of course, s/he does not believe this to be true but still avoids any real responsibility or discussion about what is really going on.
• Procrastination: Deadlines do not exist for the passive-aggressive person. S/he does things in her or his own time frame and assumes that everyone else understands and complies with this. Or else.

It is clear how these traits and passive-aggressive behavior in general can impair or dissolve a relationship over time and make you wonder if it was ever “real” to begin with. It is miserable for both the person with the passive-aggressive tendencies as well as for the partner or spouse who feels totally drained, torn down, and tired of the “crazy making” interactions. Finding support can be the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling existence for both people in the relationship and to further understand this behavior and the role it plays in each partner’s life.

In a previous blog entry I wrote about passive-aggressive behavior. Not everyone has a good understanding of what this type of conduct looks like, so I decided to devote a few posts to this common yet subtly toxic behavior that can impair relationships and marriages.

So then, what is passive-aggressive behavior? Think of someone who handles his anger by trying to sabotage things, or by being disruptive and uncooperative. The passive-aggressive person is unable or unwilling to express anger in a healthy and honest way, and so he unconsciously resorts to “getting even.” And by the way, the passive-aggressive person will usually deny that he is engaging in this type of behavior.

What might this actually look like in a marriage? Here are some examples:

• A wife withholds sex from her husband as a way to subtly punish him for something he did that made her angry. Instead of talking about the issue, she decides she will get revenge by refusing to be sexual with him.
• A man has a new lock put on the front door and “forgets” to give his wife the key.
• A husband continually procrastinates doing some chores that his wife asked him to do. When she tries to talk about it, he won’t engage in healthy communication. Instead he says, “yes, you’re right. You’re right again, honey. I’m a terrible person. You are always right.”
• A husband goes into work unnecessarily on a Saturday to punish his wife for embarrassing him at a party the night before.
• A boss schedules an early-morning staff meeting but then shows up forty minutes late.
• A woman talks on the phone for an hour when she knows that her husband is calling trying to get ahold of her.
• A wife who says, “Go ahead. Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here in the cold.”
• A stay-at-home parent who declares, “Your kids would like to see you at some point, you know.”
• Or the classic: “Whatever you say is fine, dear.”

Do any of these examples sound familiar?

Passive-aggressive behavior shuts off any chance of dealing with what is actually going on between partners or spouses. And the anger builds.

Regardless of the cause, passive-aggressive behavior hurts both the person displaying it and the person on the receiving end. Typically, relationships are slowly drained of trust, happiness, and closeness.

The encouraging news is that if you struggle with passive-aggressive behavior, change is possible. By reclaiming the part of yourself that is holding back and interfering with living a full and authentic life, you can have healthy, honest communication and behavior in your most meaningful relationships.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could take your spouse’s criticism and use it as an opportunity for additional knowledge, instead of as a source of conflict? How could this improve your marriage?

Author Harville Hendrix provides four general principles about criticism:

1. Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality. While this may be a bitter pill to swallow, most spouses are experts at spotting and knowing their mate’s weaknesses and character flaws. If you are able not to react or become defensive, then these interactions provide an opportunity to acknowledge your own disowned traits and to grow and change.
2. Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your spouse are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. This interaction also provides an opportunity for your spouse to gain information about his or her childhood wounds and unmet needs. Write down the specific criticism as well as a) feelings and thoughts that emerged when the spouse acts this way, b) feelings and thoughts that may be deeper than the ones first realized, and c) if these same thoughts and feelings were present in childhood?
3. Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself. It is often true that a criticism of another is a valid statement about oneself. While this takes courage, ask yourself the question, “In what way is my criticism of _______ (partner) also true of me?” It is much easier and more comfortable to spot a negative trait in your partner and criticize it than to separate it from your partner, own it, and address it within yourself.
4. Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you identify your own “lost self”. Often, if a criticism is not a projection of a negative trait within you, it is an expression of an unconscious lost part of yourself. If you find yourself criticizing your spouse for being too much of something (too playful, too carefree, too dedicated, etc.), you are often identifying undeveloped or repressed parts of yourself that you wish you developed. When you see your spouse expressing these traits, you may become quietly jealous and resentful. Again, the key is to glean knowledge from these criticisms and use this information to grow and change toward a more full, conscious, and enriched self and relationship.

Anger exists in every relationship.  How it is expressed and dealt with, though, are unique to each individual and couple. Some people deal with their anger by repressing and stifling it. Others express their anger in more indirect and subtle (yet highly destructive) ways, such as corrosive criticism and passive/aggressive comments and behaviors. Other couples may be more direct and overt with their anger, resulting in yelling and frequent fighting. For some, anger and rage are so uncontained that they become explosive and, in the worst case, physically violent.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, anger is accepted as an emotion that exists in every individual and relationship. Exploring how couples express (or repress) anger is essential in order to reduce its destructive impact. I teach couples tools such as containment, which permits anger and resentment to be expressed and released in a relationship without hurting the other person. While the root of the couple’s anger is also significant, containment first works to help create space and a safe climate for anger to be expressed and heard without judgment, defensiveness, or criticism. Containment also teaches more objectivity around your spouse’s anger in that his/her anger won’t harm you, and that therefore you don’t have to be wrapped up in his/her emotional state or reactivity.

Containment is only one of many tools that Imago Relationship Therapy offers to help couples experience and express anger more constructive ways. The result is living more honestly, fully, and intimately with your partner by converting anger—a potentially harmful emotion—into its original, life-giving and loving form.