A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Archive for August, 2007


Aug 16

No Name-Calling!

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Unclear on the Concept

Remember when you were a kid and you got in trouble for calling someone a name? Did your mother wash your mouth out with soap? Or did your kindergarten teacher make you stand in the corner? Hopefully most of us learned at some point or another during our childhood that it is wrong to call someone else a name - especially to his or her face.

Angry Teacher What names do kids call each other now? I shudder to think! When I was a boy, things were pretty tame compared to how they are now. Calling someone a “dumb head” was about as bad as it got.

And of course, as kids we had the classic response: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Wrong! Names can hurt. They can hurt a lot.

There is a nation-wide movement afoot now to address the problem and try to reduce the frequency and intensity of name-calling among school-age children. The program is targeted toward grades 5 through 8, which seems to be when the problem is particularly acute. It is an annual event called No Name-Calling Week.

I am in favor of No Name-Calling Week (who could be opposed to it?) but I would like to take this no name-calling concept to the next level, as they say. I would like to propose the No Name-Calling Marriage. Notice that I did not limit my plan to one week. By not specifying a time limit, I am implying that it has to last for the duration of the marriage.

As a marriage therapist working with 25 to 30 couples at any given time, it’s pretty rare for me to get rattled. Yet -somehow - during a marriage counseling session, when I hear about an instance of name-calling between the two spouses, it rivets my attention and disappoints me. I always stop and explain that name-calling is never a good idea in a loving relationship.

Name-calling within a relationship is usually considered to be verbal abuse. At the very least, it is a form of contempt, which is something I strive to eliminate in a relationship. I ask couples who are counseling with me to commit to no abuse any kind, and this includes verbal abuse.

Do you really want to hurt and/or put down the person you love? I certainly hope not. Don’t call that person a name. And don’t let him or her call you a name either.



Aug 13

Why Choose Marriage Counseling?

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
About Marriage Therapy

If you feel your marriage needs help, what should you do? You have several options from which to choose. Here are some of the alternatives.

Happy Couple You could read a book about marriage and relationships. If you search for marriage counselling on Amazon.com you will find dozens of books on the topic. A lot of these books probably have some good ideas in them (and some bad ideas as well). But once you have solved the problem of getting your spouse to read the book too, you are faced with the “one size fits all” problem: the author of the book does not know the specific and unique problems that are facing your marriage today.

You could attend a seminar or weekend retreat. These options, of course, suffer from the same “one size fits all” problem as does reading a book. How do you know if your specific issue will even be mentioned at the seminar? And what are the credentials of the persons who will lead the seminar?

You could sign up for a web-based program. Some of the advertisements for these programs say they are an alternative to marriage counseling, but in fact they are marriage counseling done remotely by internet or telephone. Why choose marriage counseling by phone when you can choose marriage counseling in person?

You could meet with a priest/pastor/rabbi, who is probably a wonderful person, and is eminently qualified to give you spiritual advice, but who has no training in marriage counselling, and who is not a licensed counselor.

And finally, you could choose marriage counseling. A marriage counselor has specific training in working with relationship problems. The counselor will get to know both of you and will hear your issues in detail. He or she will give you ideas, point out problems, and give you assignments that are specific to you. And remember that marriage counseling has been proven to be effective in drawing couples closer together. I offer marriage counseling in my San Ramon, Livermore, and Walnut Creek offices. Nearby cities include Pleasanton, Danville, Dublin, Concord, Pleasant Hill, Clayton, Antioch, Brentwood, Sunol, Mountain House, and Tracy. Call me at 925-351-8447 to schedule a session.