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Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Archive for September, 2007


Sep 18

Marriage Counseling with a Narcissist

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Specific Problems

Are you married to a narcissist? Not sure? Some (but not all) of the characteristics of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:

  • Lacks empathy for you and for others. This may surface as an inability to pay attention to you when you are talking.
  • Requires excessive admiration from you.
  • Exaggerates his or her achievements.
  • Takes advantage of you and others.
  • Has a sense of entitlement.

That’s not a complete list, nor it is it enough to make a definitive diagnosis, but it should be food for thought. By the way, there are more male narcissists than female ones, so I will use the pronouns “he” and “his” for the rest of this article.

proudman.jpgNarcissism is something I am looking for from the very first marriage therapy session. One clue is that the narcissist will typically try to get me to take his side and try to convince me that all (or almost all) of the problems in the marriage are actually attributable to his wife’s shortcomings. He will, of course, fail on both counts: I won’t take his side, nor will I believe that everything is his wife’s fault.

Trying to convince the marriage counselor that everything is the fault of the other person was deemed the fundamental attribution error by John Gottman. I like that terminology. And I have yet to see a case where everything wrong with the relationship was the fault of just one of the spouses.

So, once I realize that one of the spouses is a narcissist, what to do? I have to tell him, right? Well, that news isn’t always well-received by someone who thinks he is special and superior to others, so I have to do some of that professional marriage therapist “stuff” and handle it with kid gloves.

I work hard to increase empathy between the two partners during couples counseling, and clearly that is going to take more time with the narcissist. But I’m up for the challenge.