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Archive for October, 2007


Oct 22

Emotional Affairs and How to Handle Them in Marital Therapy

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Infidelity

unhappyasiancoupleinbed.jpgThe emotional affair is something I’ve been seeing more and more of recently in my marital therapy practice. In fact, the discovery of an emotional affair causes many couples in to begin marriage counseling.

Emotional affairs are more common than sexual affairs. One recent study indicated that 44% of husbands and 57% of wives have had an emotional affair. That’s right: more women than men!

The terminology emotional affair causes confusion among some people. Everyone knows that affairs are bad, and that they involve sex with someone other than the spouse. But what is an emotional affair? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an affair without the sex! Why call it an affair if it doesn’t involve sex? Because it is a romantic relationship with someone else, and because it involves emotional intimacy with the non-spouse.

How can an emotional affair damage a marriage? Let me count the ways:

  • It seriously injures the secure feeling of attachment that the uninvolved spouse feels.
  • It creates emotional distance between spouses.
  • The involved spouse usually shares intimate details (including dissatisfaction) about his/her marriage with the affair partner.
  • Time spent with the affair partner may mean less time spent with the uninvolved spouse.
  • It typically increases deception and secrecy as the involved spouse tries to hide the affair from the uninvolved spouse.
  • Some emotional affairs become full-blown sexual affairs.

When does a friendship cross the line to an emotional affair?

  • When you are thinking more about your affair partner than about your spouse.
  • When you get jealous while hearing about your affair partner’s love life.
  • When you have sexual fantasies about your affair partner, or at least wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch him/her.
  • When you hide the extent of the involvement from your spouse.
  • When you share intimate details about your marriage with your affair partner.

Why would a man want an emotional affair? Men are more sexually motivated and generally less emotional, so what does a man gain from being in an emotional affair? My theory on this is that the following aspects appeal to some men:

  • There is a thrill to be felt because of the danger and secrecy of the illicit meetings.
  • Knowing that someone else finds him attractive can boost a man’s sagging self-esteem.
  • There is a fantasy that someday the affair will become sexual.

What does a marriage therapist do when presented with an emotional affair? In brief, I work to help the couple understand what was so wrong with their relationship that an outside relationship was even considered, let alone pursued. Then I help the couple to repair those weaknesses.