A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for December, 2007
In the very first marriage counseling session with a couple, I want to find out what they think their main issues are. I’ll say something like, “What brings you guys here?” or “What do you two need help with?” It’s always interesting (and informative) to see what happens at that point. Who talks first? And how long does he/she talk? Do both spouses allow that the partner has a different view on things which may have some validity?
But here’s what’s interesting. Around 80% of couples tell me that they have a communication problem! (Usually the wife is the one who says this.) It’s so common that after a while I began to wonder exactly what people mean when they say “communication problem”. They can’t all mean the same thing, right?
So now I always ask people for more details. A common answer (but not the only one) is that the wife feels like her husband doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t respect her viewpoint, and won’t tell her how he feels about things.
This will be my last post in 2007. See you next year!
One problem that we marriage therapists face is working with men who don’t seem to be in touch with their emotions. Another way of describing these men is “inexpressive.” In my experience, younger men (say age 35 and under) are more likely to be inexpressive than older men.
A big part of emotionally-focused couple therapy is to get to the root (or primary) emotions which underlie the partners’ pain, and have the man and woman express these emotions to one another, perhaps for the first time. This can be a bit of a challenge with an inexpressive male.
Here’s a fictional (but typical) example. Let’s say the woman has just finished talking about how lonely and abandoned she feels when her husband works late almost every night instead of coming home and being with her and helping her with their children.
Me: “John, what’s it like for you to hear Mary talk about how lonely she feels, and how much she misses you, when you work so late every night?”
John: “Well, my boss is putting a lot of pressure on me lately…” (defends himself and doesn’t answer the question)
Me: “I understand that your boss is unreasonable, but what is going on inside you when you hear Mary describe how she feels?”
John: “I know it’s a problem, and I think it’s going to get better in a few months.” (still not answering the question)
Me: “John, I am asking how you feel, not what you think.”
John: “Oh. Well, I guess it’s kind of sad.”
Me: “OK. Tell me more about feeling sad.”
Emotionally focused couple therapy is very effective with inexpressive men! It can have a powerful effect on their wives to hear them express a deep emotion, possible for the first time in years. And for the men, it can be very therapeutic to have a counselor who understands and validates their emotions.
If you read my blog entry Are You Attached?, you may be curious about how you can find out what type of attachment best describes you. Here’s a good way to find out. Ask yourself how you respond (or who you go to) in time of fear and uncertainty. What do you do when you feel threatened? Who do you talk to when you are discouraged? In cases like this, do you have someone you can go to for comfort? If so, you are probably securely attached to that person. He or she is the one who can soothe you and help you feel like everything is going to be OK. If that person is your spouse/partner, that’s great!
What if, on the other hand, you don’t have anyone you can go to in your times of trouble? You are alone, and you become nervous and upset. You are anxiously attached.
Or what if you think that no one could possibly help you, and that you are strong enough to solve your problems on your own? You are avoidantly attached.
Think back to September 11, 2001, when you first heard about what happened and realized the magnitude of it. How did you react, knowing that the U.S. was under attack? Did you talk to a friend/spouse/lover who helped you feel more secure? Did you become anxious, upset, or depressed? Or did you feel detached? This is a good way to understand your attachment type.
For those in marriage therapy, or just contemplating your relationship, it’s good to know what type of attachment you have with your spouse/partner. Is he or she a source of security for you?
As I walk around Pasadena (I don’t have a car here), I can’t get that old Beach Boys song, The Little Old Lady from Pasadena, out of my head (”…she’s a terror out on Colorado Boulevard.”)
Speaking of Colorado Boulevard, that’s the main street on the Rose Parade route. I see signs advertising parking for the Rose Parade, which is now only a few weeks away.
Someone told me that there is a doggie bakery here, and that it’s something that makes Pasadena unique. However, I checked this out online, and the doggie bakery here is just one of a nationwide chain, so it’s not an only-in-Pasadena thing. By the way, it’s called Three Dog Bakery.
This week I’m in Pasadena, studying Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). The workshop is being taught by two of the best-known researchers in the field.
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is quite different from many other marital therapies. There is no educational aspect to it: no lessons in communication skills or conflict management. Also, there is no behavioral aspect to it (such as trying to do more nice things for your spouse).
The three stages of EFT are:
- De-escalate the conflict cycle.
- Changing interactional positions (such as softening blame and getting the withdrawn partner to re-engage).
- Consolidate and Integrate.
EFT has done very well in effectiveness testing with real couples.
This post had new information appended and was reposted on June 25, 2008.
A Brief History of Plagiarism & Copyright Infrigement of this Website
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