A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for August, 2008
John Gottman has a theory about Positive Sentiment Override vs. Negative Sentiment Override in a couple’s communication. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. Consider a perfectly neutral statement such as, “we’re almost out of milk.” One possible response to this is, “OK, I should be able to pick up some more tomorrow.” This is positive. Another possible response would be something like, “so I’m a failure at grocery shopping? Why are you always criticizing me?” This is, of course, negative. This negative reponse is defensive and seems to indicate a chip on the shoulder.
How to change Sentiment Override from Negative to Positive? Work on reducing criticism and increasing appreciation.
The defense mechanism of denial is is mentioned often in everyday speech. For example, we might say “Fred is in denial” when talking about a man who has a weight problem but won’t admit it. However, there is another defense mechanism, repression, which is usually a more accurate description of what we see in ourselves and others.
So what is the difference between denial and repression? If something was once known, but is now not being thought about, it is being repressed. So assuming that Fred really does know that he is overweight, but just avoiding thinking about it, he is using repression, not denial, to avoid the unpleasant reality of his large size.
In true denial, information is instantly disregarded. As an example, if Wilma’s doctor tells her she has terminal cancer with only a few months to live, she might say, “that can’t be true” and go on behaving as if she is in perfect health.
Now that you know the distinction between denial and repression, you’ve got a bedrock of knowledge about defense mechanisms.
Sometimes the best solution to a disagreement between partners is to agree on a compromise. Each person gives a little on their position and the couple “meets in the middle.”
How easily can you and your spouse discuss a difficult problem and reach a solution that is acceptable to both of you? The ability to reach a compromise is good tool to have in your marriage toolbox.
Here are some pointers on compromising:
- Figure out what aspects of the problem the two of you agree on. Where is there agreement? Begin by focusing on that.
- Tell each other what your goals are in this situation. Each person should clearly understand the other person’s goals.
- Now the part that you don’t agree about. Once again, be sure you understand what the other person’s position is, and why it so important to them.
- Figure out where there is some flexibility in both positions.
- Take turns making suggested compromises with some give-and-take until an agreement is reached.
Here are three secretive behaviors to think about. If you see your spouse engaging in them, you should be concerned about what he is keeping from you.
- Secretive about his e-mail. Maybe he only reads his e-mail when you aren’t around, and then carefully deletes it. Even worse: he has a secret e-mail account that he hasn’t told you about.
- Secretive about his cell phone. Is he careful to keep his phone away from you? Does he erase the numbers of incoming and outgoing calls. Does he erase the text messages? Even worse: he has a second phone that you don’t know about. Even worser: it’s a pay-as-you-go phone, which means that detailed bills don’t arrive at your home.
- Secretive about his credit cards. He doesn’t want you to see the monthly statements. Even worse: he has a secret credit card with a different address so that the bills don’t arrive at your home.
And yes, people really do all of these things.
Here are some notable discoveries made during the 1970s:
- In 1974, Henry Jay Heimlich, in Emergency Medicine, described a subdiaphramatic thrust, pushing up suddenly on the soft tissue of the diaphragm, which sharply reduced death from choking. This maneuver is based on the reserve volume of air that stays in the lungs after exhalation.
- In 1975, Martin L. Perl, using the Stanford Positron-Electron Ring, discovered traces of an anomolous electron-muon event which he later named the ‘tau’ lepton, or ‘tauon,’ a new elementary particle. The tau lepton is identical to the electron except that it is 3500 times heavier and survives less than a trillionth of a second.
- In 1977, cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead discovered that men actually do feel emotions. During the AFC divisional playoffs, the Oakland Raiders defeated the Baltimore Colts in two overtimes, and after the game ended Mead observed a male Raiders fan exhibiting signs of happiness and even joy.**
** Just Kidding!
It’s no secret that some men are reluctant to attend marriage counseling. Some of those who do begin counseling only do so because their wives have talked them into it. How can we make the therapy process more male-friendly? Here’s what I recommend (and what I do in my practice):
- Consider a male therapist. A husband will believe that another man will understand him better than a female therapist would.
- Use a strategic approach. A man is likely to favor a specific plan that solves identifiable problems. What he probably doesn’t want is to spend hour after hour talking about feelings.
- Don’t dwell on the past. A man is less likely to want to go into details about his childhood years. He wants to work on what is happening now and what will happen in the near future.
If your marriage is in trouble, be careful about discussing the details with your friends. This may seem like surprising advice, since friends can be a good source of emotional support. Women especially tend to talk to friends about their relationships.
So why do I say to be careful about it? Because I’ve noticed that friends are too quick to recommend that you divorce your spouse. Here’s why:
- Your friend is only hearing your side of the story. Yes, of course, you think your view of things is accurate and complete, but your spouse has a lot of important feelings and information to offer. This is why marriage counselors prefer to meet with both spouses.
- Your friend is not impartial. They may view your spouse as a jerk or a jerkette. And they may be thinking that they will get more of your time if you leave your marriage. A marriage counselor, on the other hand, is impartial.
- Your friend may be just looking for a quick fix. They may be a “problem solver” who thinks a quick solution is the best one. But repairing the damage to your marriage may not be quick and easy.
So trust your marriage to a licensed therapist who will hear from both of you, who is impartial, and who is trained in marriage therapy.
You’ve probably heard about the Five Stages of Grief. The stages were initially identified by author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to describe what a person goes through after finding out that they have a terminal illness. Here are the five stages and an example of what a terminally-ill person might say while in each stage:
- Denial: “There must be a mistake. I’m fine.”
- Anger: “Why me? This isn’t fair.”
- Bargaining: “God, I’ll do whatever you want. Just let me live for a few more years.”
- Depression: “What’s the point of anything? I’m dying.”
- Acceptance: “There’s nothing I can do. I might as well make the best of the time I have left.”
Some time after Kubler-Ross introduced this model, relationship experts realized that people who are going through the end of their marriage also go through the five stages of grief. Here again are the stages, along with a person what a person approaching divorce might say in each stage:
- Denial: “He won’t really divorce me. He’ll change his mind.”
- Anger: “This is outrageous after all I’ve done for him.”
- Bargaining: “I’ll do whatever you want…just don’t leave me.”
- Depression: “I never thought I would be divorced. What will people think of me?”
- Acceptance: “Life will go on after the divorce. I’ll be OK.”
We typically think of couples where the woman talks a lot more than the man. She can talk about how she feels and communicate what she wants, but the man can’t or won’t do so nearly as much.
But in some couples that I have worked with, neither partner communicates very much. Both hesititate to tell the other how they feel, what they think, or what they want.
I think this is a recipe for trouble. My typical comment in a situation like this is, “Wow. There must be a lot of things going unsaid.” When hurt feelings are bottled up, feelings of resentment rise and a blow-up is usually just around the corner. Multiply this by two when both partners are keeping their feelings to themselves.
What’s the solution? Create an environment where it’s safe to say how you feel because you are confident that you will get an understanding response.
In working with couples who have recovered from infidelity, I’ve pieced together the thought process that gets people into and out of affairs. I’ve written the following from the perspective of a man, but it wouldn’t be too much different for a woman. By the way, this thinking (except for the parts about sex) applies to emotional affairs as well as physical ones.
- Excitement. “Wow! An attractive woman likes me! Yes! Even though I’m [insert age here] I’m still in good shape and attractive. I’ve still ‘got it’! This is going to be great. I haven’t felt this much excitement in my life for a long time. We’re going to have a lot of fun and I’m going to be happier now. My girlfriend understands me, unlike my wife, who hasn’t understood me for years. I just have to be careful so that my wife will never find out about it. Actually the sneaking around part adds to the excitement!”
- Boredom. “This is starting to become monotonous. And it’s getting harder to sneak out of work and then to make excuses at home. My wife is asking why we aren’t intimate anymore, and at the same time the sex with my girlfriend is boring now. That excitement I felt a few months ago is gone. And my girlfriend is starting to annoy me; she wants to know where this ‘relationship’ is going.”
- Reality. “Maybe my wife isn’t really the problem, because things weren’t any better with my girlfriend. Maybe I have some issues of my own that I should look at. Maybe it’s true that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. I’ve cut things off with my girlfriend, but my wife is very suspicious because of some e-mails that she found. I wonder if I should come clean with her or if it’s better to keep denying everything. I really hope my wife doesn’t leave me.”
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