A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for October, 2008
- Aleut Couple, Qaqortoq, Greenland
A great study was published yesterday in The New England Journal of Medicine. Although it’s not specifically about marriage counseling or couples counseling, it does do a lot to validate that counseling (or “talk therapy”) is effective.
The researchers wanted to determine the most effective way to treat severe anxiety in children and adolescents, ages 7 to 17. What they found is that the best approach is to combine counseling with antidepressant medication (the study used Zoloft). It turned out that after 12 weeks of treatment, 80% of the patients who received the combined treatment improved significantly. Patients who got the medication but did not also get the counseling improved at a 55% rate.
I wanted to mention this study since I’m always interested in proof that counseling is effective.
- Dolphin, Kauai
Here’s the latest news on infidelity, according to recently published studies:
- Older men are cheating more than they used to. In 1991, 20% of men over age 60 said they had been unfaithful at some point in their life. In 2006, the rate increased to 28%. (These data are reported by Dr. David Atkins at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors.)
- Younger women are now cheating almost as much as younger men: For people under age 35, 20% of men at 15% of women say they have been unfaithful. These numbers are up significantly from 1991. The increase is blamed at least partially on Internet pornography and women working more and travelling more.
Of course, it can be hard to determine what percentage of people are unfaithful, because not everyone who has cheated will admit it to a researcher. That’s why researchers now use anonymous computer questionnaires to compile their data.
One more thing: those high rates of cheating that you see in the surveys done by some women’s magazines are not accurate because the people who take the survey are not a random cross-section of the population. Instead, they are the ones who choose to respond to the survey, and they are more likely to say they have been unfaithful.
- Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland
I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me. Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with? Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?
In the first session I ask about the conflict level. Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue. “Never argue? So you agree about everything?” I ask. Well…no. They don’t agree about everything. No two people agree about everything. What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.
If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them. Thus, the couple never argues! Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.
How to help the couple that never argues? Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist. And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.
- Mauna Kea, Hawaii. July 2007.
It’s hard to have a happy and satisfying relationship if one of the partners is depressed. Think about it. The depressed person has symptoms such as trouble sleeping, a loss of interest and pleasure in things that used be enjoyable and important, and feelings of sadness. The depressed partner turns inward emotionally and focuses on his/her own problems. The joy of being with each other, the interest in the other person’s life, and the emotional connection between partners: all of these are diminished when one person is depressed.
In my office I also see the problems that result when one partner’s depression is manifested as anger toward the other partner. This can be especially hard on the relationship if the anger is severe. The recipient of the anger is frequently at a loss to explain why his/her partner, who used to be easy-going, is now in need of anger management. If the anger is severe enough to cause verbal or even physical abuse, the relationship may be close to ending by the time the couple finally comes to my office.
You can be sure that I’m always on the lookout for signs of depression when I work with couples. If I see it, I won’t hesitate to suggest getting treatment, because I know it will not only be good for the depressed person, it will also be good for the relationship.
- Statue of Liberty, 10/2/08
My vacation is over and I’m back at work. Just in time to see our economy crumble!
The turmoil in the economy has been dominating the news recently. It even seems to have overshadowed the presidential campaign, which is significant given that there are less than four weeks left before the election.
So every day we read about the stock market losing another few percent, about banks collapsing, and about the government making unprecendented efforts to restore stability. What we don’t seem to hear too much about is how these events are affecting real people like you and me.
I’m guessing that many people must be suffering a great deal of distress over what is happening. I’m imagining a family where in the past few weeks the value of their retirement nest egg has lost about 25% of its value, their jobs are in jeopardy because their employers are close to bankruptcy, and their house is worth less than what they owe on it.
What do these stressors do to a marriage? As I’ve written before, problems like this that are external to the relationship itself can either bring a couple closer together or drive them apart.
How can it bring a couple closer? Easy. They decide that they are going to get through this hard time together together, no matter what. The agree that they are going to support one another, and that no matter what happens, they still have each other. Give that a try.
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