A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Archive for November, 2008


Nov 25

Are We There Yet?

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
About Marriage Therapy



Young Boy, Qaqortoq, Greenland

People who call me to talk about beginning marriage therapy usually want to know how long they will be in counseling. Since I’ve had couples who came to only one session - and couples who came for more than a year - it’s hard for me to predict how long a particular couple will be in therapy.

The most variation I see is with couples who begin therapy as a result of a crisis. For example, the couple has been through an argument that got hot and heavy and lasted all weekend. With these types of couples, we usually have made a lot of progress after four or five therapy sessions. The crisis is behind them and they are starting to feel better about one another. At this point they are in the honeymoon period of marriage therapy.

Sometimes couples end therapy at this point. They think they don’t need counseling any longer since the crisis has passed. I try to tell them about the honeymoon phenomenon and that while yes, we have dealt with the crisis, we have not yet addressed the underlying issues in the marriage that led up to the crisis. Usually they listen politely but end therapy anyhow. I can’t stop them, of course, but I fear that at some point in the future they are going to be facing another crisis and not have the skills to deal with it.

The wise couples stay in counseling and do the real work required to repair the flaws in their relationship.



Nov 18

Recovering from an Affair

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
Infidelity



New York City

Approximately 30% of the couples who begin marital therapy do so as a result of an extramarital affair. Usually when a couple comes to see me for the first time the affair has been revealed within the past week or two. Obviously at that point the wounds are still very fresh.

These days spouses often discover their partner is having an affair by finding emails, cell phone calls, or text messages to or from the third party. It can be hard to cover your tracks these days. (Of course, some people want their affair to be discovered. But that’s a whole other article.)

Inevitably the question in therapy becomes: how will the wife get over what has been done to her? (For this article I’ll assume the husband had the affair since that is more common). As I’ve written about before, it’s not unusual for the man not to want to talk about it. He has apologized and now he thinks his wife should “get over it.” Of course, he typically feels guilty and embarrassed about what he did, so it’s not easy to talk about it. I normalize this.

Usually the wife wants to know why he did it, how could he think it was OK to do it, and details about where, when, and how often. It’s common for the wife to ask these questions over and over again during the months that she is recovering. One of my jobs is to convince the husband that this is normal and that it’s in his best interest to patiently answer the questions as many times as necessary.

The recovery process is long and difficult but it can be worth effort. My goal as counselor is for the couple to end up with a relationship that is stronger than it had ever been before.



Nov 09

The Secret that Marriage Counselors Don’t Want You to Know

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
About Marriage Therapy



Bird on Berkeley Pier

Just kidding about that title. I’ve heard The Secret the Credit Card Companies Don’t Want You to Know commercial on the radio too many times. However, I do want to write about something that may come as a surprise to you.

Some couples begin counseling with the belief that they should feel warm & fuzzy about each other at the end of every counseling session. When that doesn’t happen they think that I must not be doing my job very well. I’ve even had couples drop out of counseling after a difficult session.

The fact is that some couples are conflict-avoidant, meaning that they don’t talk about things that might lead to an argument. Those subjects that they don’t talk about at home are things that we need to talk about in my office. That means that at the end of the session they may feel worse about each other than they did at the beginning of the session. They won’t be feeling warm & fuzzy about one another when they leave my office! But in the long run their marriage is going to be stronger because they have made progress on a key issue.