A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for March, 2009
- Sailboat Racing, S.F. Bay
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
My clients’ confidentiality is of the utmost importance. Hence this story is not about a real couple, but the problems that bring the couple to marriage therapy are drawn from various people with whom I have worked. I have blended the issues from a broad range of my actual cases into the lives of one fictional couple, Claire and Cliff.
When Claire and her husband Cliff came to me for marriage counseling, they were on the verge of separation, living unhappy lives, no longer enjoying being together, even feeling contempt for one another as they cycled from one fight and short-lived make-up to the next, gradually losing hope that their relationship would ever improve. Like so many couples, they had waited too long to begin marriage therapy, not seeking professional help when troubles began to invade their lives after the birth of their child, hoping instead that things would get better on their own, convincing themselves they didn’t have the time, money, or energy to see a marriage counselor. I have heard this many times and I always wonder why a happy marriage isn’t at the top of a couple’s priority list and thus more deserving of their time, money, and effort than just about everything else.
Neither Claire nor Cliff had been in counseling prior to meeting with me, other than a few sessions of pre-marital counseling with their pastor, a requirement for getting married in their church. They had seen depictions of therapy on TV and in the movies, assuming them to be accurate depictions of the process, not realizing that screenwriters often sacrifice reality for the sake of plot development, dramatic value, and, occasionally, humor.
Once Claire decided that she wanted to attend marriage counseling, she brought it up with her husband. Cliff, like some men, was unenthusiastic about the idea, saying that he was uncomfortable with the thought of airing their “baggage” to a third party. Clair countered that an unbiased third party was precisely what was needed in their situation because they were unable to discuss their more contentious issues in a civil and healthy manner.
Not long after that first discussion about counseling, Cliff and Claire had a particularly nasty argument, raising their voices to one another, calling each other names, which they had done only once before, and the prospect of separation was brought up for the first time. They wondered out loud whether things could ever get better between them, despairing at the thought of spending the rest of their lives just tolerating each other, losing just about any hope for improvement. At that moment Claire again suggesting marriage counseling, and Cliff agreed, not really wanting to leave his wife and child, panicking at the thought of being alone.
Claire called me the next morning and scheduled their first appointment, giving me some background on their situation and asking the usual questions about cost and duration. Fortunately I was able to schedule the appointment for later that same week.
Once Claire and Cliff knew they were about to embark on the counseling process, tensions lessened to some degree and a glimmer of hope returned. They were able to go the next few days without any arguments.
- Claremont Resort, Oakland
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
Usually my reading interests are limited to photography magazines and the occasional spy or murder mystery, but right now I’m reading a fascinating non-fiction book, Making a Good Brain Great, by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Amen (Three Rivers Press, 2005). As you might surmise from the title, the book is about improving your brain function now as well as keeping it working well even as you age, which, alas, is something that is happening to me.
Amen talks about the importance of being in a loving and physically affectionate relationship. He writes, “men and women need touching, eye contact, and sexual connection to stay healthy. When you feel loved, nurtured, cared for, supported, and intimate, you are much more likely to be happier and healthier.”
- St. Michael Church, Livermore
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
There have been many marriage, relationship, and love books written over the years, some quite good and very popular, but in my opinion, not enough has been written about the corrosive effect that low self-esteem inflicts upon a marriage, a problem that I see on a daily basis.
Individuals with self-esteem problems may view themselves in one or more of the following ways: deficient, lacking, a “loser”, hard to love, or unworthy of love. Now, since I believe the key relationship question is: “how much do I matter to you?”, those people with a self-image of unworthiness are going to be haunted frequently by doubts about how much they matter to the spouse, because they don’t feel deserving enough.
As a result, low self-esteem individuals tend to be on-guard to an extreme degree for perceived slights from the spouse or for any sign of a problem in the marriage. They typically will react defensively and strongly when they feel some type of threat. This means there will be more conflict than is normal when self-esteem is an issue.
Another problem exacerbated by low self-esteem is non-communication, and I’ll talk more about that in my next post.
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