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Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Archive for July, 2009


Jul 28

Fire this Idea!

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
Specific Problems

Over the weekend my wife and I watched the movie Fireproof, a Christian-oriented drama about a thirty-something firefighter, Caleb, whose marriage is in crisis for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is hooked on internet porn and his wife knows it. Caleb and his wife, Catherine, come very close to divorcing, but reconcile at the end of the movie after Caleb gets his act together, cuts out the porn, and starts treating his wife better. (I hope I haven’t spoiled it for anyone who hasn’t seen the film yet - but of course you know the movie has to have a happy ending!)

In addition to his porn problem, Caleb is portrayed as self-centered and a hothead who typically handles his anger by going outside and kicking the trash cans around while screaming his frustrations.  Catherine, on the other hand, is trying to be a good wife but is constantly hurt by what her husband says and does.

In a nutshell, the marriage is saved when Caleb takes his wise father’s advice to follow the instructions in a book called The Love Dare, which gives specific details about how to treat your spouse. By doing what The Love Dare says to do, Caleb is transformed from a selfish jerk into a thoughtful and loving husband.

The skeptical among us would wonder if the movie is a cleverly-disguised advertisement for the book (available on Amazon.com!).  But I digress.

The advice in The Love Dare is very concrete and behavioral.  It’s a 40-day program with a specific instruction for each day.  On Day 1 the advice is not to say anything negative to your spouse, and on Day 2 the instruction is to do a surprise nice thing for your spouse (such as buying flowers).  This is good advice, and I don’t know any marriage therapist who would argue with it.

Where I have a big problem with the The Love Dare is on Day 23.  On that day the instruction is to remove any addictions or influences that are troubling the relationship.  Caleb realizes that he is addicted to internet porn so on Day 23 he takes the family’s computer outside and literally demolishes it with a aluminum baseball bat.

This guy needs an anger management class. But again I digress.

Porn is not mentioned after this point in the film, so the viewer infers that Caleb conquered his porn addiction on that single day.

I’m here to tell you that people don’t conquer addictions in a day.  Overcoming compulsive behavior is a long process.  Addictions such as porn, alcohol, and drugs take a lot of time and effort to defeat - think years, not days.



Jul 16

Cliff and Claire’s First Counseling Session, Part II

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
About Marriage Therapy



Cinco de Mayo 2009
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

At this point we were about halfway through the 50-minute session, meaning that it was time to delve into the issues and events that brought Cliff and Claire to my office. When I asked the question, they nervously looked at each other as if neither of them wanted to be the first one to answer. Finally Claire spoke up and said, “We’ve been arguing a lot more than usual and the intensity of the arguments has ratcheted way up. Lately whenever it gets bad we are calling each other names and threatening to leave each other. We never did that before.”

I asked if they were arguing about the same issue over and over. Claire replied, “Well, we had been arguing about about bills a lot.  I mean I’m sure you think we must make a lot of money, since Cliff’s a doctor and I’m a lawyer. But since we moved to California our income has gone way down.  Plus we have always spent way too much money and we have never saved any.  Now we have over $20,000 in credit card debt.  I think each of us blames the other for spending too much money…you know, we both like nice things.  But anyway, the last big blowout argument happened when I was looking at the cell phone bill and I noticed that Cliff had been calling one particular number almost every day and talking for a long time…like 45 minutes or so.  This really got my attention because Cliff has never liked talking on the phone and I’m lucky if he calls me at all during the day!”

Claire went on to say that she asked Cliff whose phone number it was, hoping for a reasonable explanation but fearing something much worse.  He said that it was cousin’s phone number and that he had been trying to help out this cousin, who has been going through hard times because he lost his job and the health care coverage for his family. Claire said, “I actually believed this story for a while, but the more I thought about it, I didn’t believe it, because he hardly ever talked about this cousin before.  So I told Cliff I was skeptical and that I was going to call the number, picking up the phone as I spoke.  Cliff stopped me and said, OK, you’re right, it’s not my cousin.  Well, he finally admitted that it’s a woman, a former patient of his, and that they had become friends.  He admitted that they met for lunch once a week in addition to talking on the phone.  He claims that nothing physical happened between them, but I don’t know if I believe this or not.  He said he is sorry, but I just think he’s sorry that he got caught.” Cliff was looking out the window as his wife spoke, watching the squirrels run up and down the trees behind my office, trying to remain calm in what must have been an embarassing moment for him.

I didn’t say anything, hoping that Cliff would speak without being prompted.  After a minute, he did.  “Yes, I have become close friends with Maria, a former patient of mine.  We do talk on the phone and text each often, and yes, we have met for lunch.  I have felt guilty for sneaking around behind Claire’s back, but really, I’ve been so lonely lately, I just needed someone to talk to.  With Maria I can talk for an hour and it seems like only a few minutes have gone by.  Unfortunately, Claire and I don’t talk much, there is a way too much silence when we are together, and I feel like I can’t tell her a lot of things that are going on in my life without her getting upset.”

By this time I was thinking that both Claire and Cliff had told me a lot of things that are going to require exploration in future sessions.  Time was running down towards the end of this session, though. and I asked a few follow-up questions. I told them that I wanted to see each of them individually one time.  They agreed, and we set an appointment for Claire for the following week, and one for Cliff the week after that.

They paid me my fee by check, then we shook hands and they left.  I took a few minutes to make some notes of my impressions of the session and reminders to myself of things that we need to cover later.  I put the notes in their case file.