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Archive for February, 2010


Feb 23

Believing In The One You’re With

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
Marriage Dynamics

Think back to your childhood.  Do you remember a time when you got in trouble or were punished for something you didn’t intend to do?  Take a moment now to put yourself back in that situation and recall how you felt as your parent (or caregiver) reacted without even trying to understand what actually happened. Did you feel angry? Misunderstood? Hurt? Unnecessarily criticized? Unfairly treated? Disrespected?

Most likely, you can identify with this. You might have even have sworn that you would never do this to someone else. The unfortunate reality is that many of us end up doing this to our partner or spouse!  Sadly, a sudden and often intense reaction (that can end up feeling like a punishment to the other person) often precedes a full understanding of the situation.

Here’s a “for instance”. A friend of mine described an outing she had with her husband. They went on a bike ride, sharing quality time and enjoying the sunny weather. Everything was going well until her husband accidentally cut her off on the bike path, resulting in her losing her balance and falling. She verbally lashed out at him. Yes, of course, she was hurt, but did her husband did not intend for that to happen.

So what went wrong?  My friend assumed that her husband cut her off intentionally. Instead of assuming the best about him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the worst. She didn’t gain any information or try to understand whether or not he meant to cut her off. You might be thinking, “Well, she still fell and got hurt, whether he meant to cut her off or not.”  Yes.  But that doesn’t justify her yelling at her husband about it.

The effect of not giving your partner or spouse the benefit of the doubt has its consequences. In the above example, the husband felt extraordinarily hurt and angry due to feeling completely misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and disrespected.

Bottom line: While it might be difficult at times, practice assuming the best about your partner or spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt in all situations—even when you are adversely affected—until you have information or understanding to prove otherwise. When your partner or spouse does something that makes you feel like lashing out or criticizing, take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that giving him or her the benefit of the doubt is a way to diffuse tension, misunderstandings, and potential retaliations. And it’s also a powerful act of love and respect. And I guarantee that in the end, you’ll feel better about yourself too.



Feb 17

Saving for a Rainy Day

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
Communication

It’s perfectly normal for there to be occasional disagreements and conflict in healthy relationships andmarriages. While this type of interaction is probably not ideal, it truly is part of the reality of being in a committed relationship. Living side by side with another human being who may have a very different background and different ideas about life and money and family means that misunderstandings and miscommunications are inevitable.

What is interesting (if not completely awesome) is that while some conflicts are unavoidable, research has shown that having a reserve or reservoir of positive, caring exchanges and interactions can soften the blow. In fact, it can even help you to avoid overreacting to a misunderstanding. Think about it: if your spouse took the time to stop and notice something you did, or asked about a current stressful situation in your life, you will most likely feel more loved, attended to, and supported. Or consider if you and your partner shared a mutually loving and positive interaction or experience which increased your reservoirs of goodwill—such as taking a walk or hike together, working on a project around the house, cooking a meal together, having a “date night”, etc.—you will most likely feel better and closer and more willing to overlook momentary miscommunications or irritations.

So if it is true that this reservoir of goodwill serves as an antidote to potential squabbles, why not practice filling your spouse’s resorvoir? It’s free and painless and while it may feel like a drop in the bucket, it’s can be so much more. Enough drops over time create a reserve that can be drawn upon when conflict does arise.  I think of it as “saving for a rainy day.”

A few additional notes:

  • Challenge yourself to notice — not as a task or a chore but as a positive choice. It’s amazing how much you will begin to notice if you intentionally look for different and new ways to affirm your spouse.
  • If you cannot find anything on which to positively comment, or any activity to share with your spouse, try to learn: ask questions and get to know your spouse better. What matters most? What are some favorite hobbies or activities? What does a day in his or her life really look like? What are his/her goals, hopes and dreams?
  • Make sure that you find the best times to have these exchanges. Find out when your spouse is the least distracted and most open and able to receive what you have to share.
  • Last but not least, it’s not about you. The goal is to focus on your partner’s reservoir of goodwill regardless of how well or how equally you believe that your own reservoir is being filled. Give to give more, don’t give to get.