A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for March, 2010
Imago Relationship Therapy is a branch of couples counseling based on the work of Harville Hendrix. The goal of Imago Therapy is for a couple to develop an aware, intimate, and committed relationship. In my work with couples, I utilize Imago Therapy and have found it to be extremely effective. I plan to devote a few posts to explain more about this type of marriage therapy and how it works.
One basic premise of Imago Therapy is that each of us become wounded during the early years of life, as a result of mistakes by our primary caregivers. We have a composite of all of the positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers stored in our unconscious mind, and this is called the Imago. When looking for our spouse, we search (without even necessarily realizing it!) for someone who matches this composite or Imago. We do this because, ultimately, we are searching for someone who will help us heal, address, or confront the “unfinished business” from childhood, and grow into more whole people.
While the first stage of romantic love brings a couple together, there is an inevitable power struggle that ensues as soon as a commitment is made. This power struggle (while uncomfortable, frustrating, angering, and often the reason why couples want outside support and help) is necessary and extremely important because it provides the information required for each partner’s lasting healing and growth.
Navigating this power struggle is another thing! It is a critical yet often daunting task. Thus, the core practice of Imago Relationship Therapy is an approachable three-part, structured process called the Imago Dialogue. In an upcoming post, I will describe and define the three parts of the Imago Dialogue, explain why each part is important, and describe how utilizing this dialogue can help each person be a better, more connected spouse.
Here are few interesting statistics about pornography:
- Every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.
- Every second 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography.
- Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is being created in the U.S.
- 4.2 million websites contain pornographic material.
- There are 68 million daily pornographic search engine requests (which is 25% of all search engine requests).
- Approximate percentage of internet users who view pornography: 42.7%
In the U.S., the internet is easily the most popular form of pornography for a number of reasons. It is free, highly available, easily and quickly accessed, and can be totally anonymous. While many may peruse the internet without becoming hooked, a host of others find their usage and associated behaviors problematic or even addictive. For example, the usual indicators of addiction are typically present: repeated failed attempts to stop, preoccupation, intense feelings of secrecy and shame, relational problems, extreme time and/or money lost, and feeling unable to control thoughts, desires and behaviors.
A recent article in Family Therapy magazine cited that over 70% of sex addicts report cybersex (any sexual activity conducted via internet) as the beginning or as a catalyst to their sexual acting out. The article also cited research where cybersex addiction impaired significant aspects of the marital relationship and was a major contributing factor to separation and divorce. It stands to reason that if pornography and/or cybersex use are becoming a problem or already problematic for you or your spouse, seeking help and support earlier rather than later is the best course of action.
News flash! Men and women really are different! Duh. You don’t need me to tell you that. You also don’t need me to tell you that how men and women communicate is often quite different. Another “duh.” Yet, I wonder how many couples actually take the time to consider and explore the meaning behind what is communicated?
The book Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, provides a great illlustration of how the same phrase can mean two totally very things to a man and to a woman. Consider a couple who are getting dressed for an event. She looks in her closet and says, “I have nothing to wear!” Translation: “I have nothing new!” He looks in his closet and says, “I have nothing to wear.” Translation: “I have nothing clean!”
Let’s play out this illustration to see how something so seemingly minor as meaning can affect the daily interactions in your marriage. Imagine again the wife exclaiming, “I have nothing to wear!” Hubby looks at her closet (chock-full of clothes), feels confused by her seemingly-irrational comment and replies, “Honey, you have plenty of things to wear!” She snaps at him because she perceives a lack of empathy and understanding, and she feels even more irritated! Hubby still feels in the dark about this whole clothes thing and is more confused by her strong retort to his seemingly helpful comment. The conversation ends and both continue on, feeling unclear about what just happened. Sound familiar?
The great news is that neither person is wrong. Each person just means something different that often doesn’t make sense to the other. The woman assumes that her husband knows what she means, and the husband assumes his wife understands him. Don’t assume. If you feel confused, hurt, or disrespected by something your spouse says, take a posture of honesty and curiousity. Simply ask, “When you said ______, what did you mean?” Let him or her know how it originally sounded and felt for you. The payoffs: You learn about each other, your spouse feels more understood and cared about, and you will most likely alleviate further misunderstanding, hurt, and conflict.
Interesting article in the newspapers today. Research just published by the National Center for Health Statistics indicates that couples who lived together before they were married are less likely to stay married. In fact, couples who cohabitated are 6% less likely to have their marriage last ten years or longer.
I’m sure this will be hard for many people to believe. Young people tend to think that they should live together for a year or more to insure that they are compatible before they commit to marriage.
My two cents on this topic is that we should not be too hasty to assume cause and effect here. (Or as my professors used to say, don’t confuse correlation with causation.) I’m not disputing the data that there exists a correlation between living together before marriage and a reduced length of marriage. But we cannot conclude that cohabitation causes a marriage to be less stable. Perhaps both of these things are caused by some other factor. For example, I would guess that people who feel less strongly about the “sanctity of marriage” would be more likely to move in together without being married, and would also be quicker to “pull the plug” on a marriage when things got rough.
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