A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Archive for June, 2010


Jun 18

News From the Happy Marriage Labs

By Jay Slupesky
8 Comments
Marriage Dynamics

Marriage remains a mystery. What makes it work for the long-term?  What makes some marriages passionate?  What keeps couples in love—even madly in love—decades after they exchanged their vows? What is the fundamental difference between couples who experience marital happiness and those who do not?

In the recent New York Times article “What Brain Scans Can Tell Us About Marriage,” Tara Parker-Pope reveals how questions such as these fascinate and drive academic researchers, such as a post-doctoral researcher at UCSB, Bianca Acevedo. Dr. Acevedo and others are intrigued by these questions and the “inner workings” of long-term happy marriages. Utilizing a plethora of lab tests (including brain scans and relationship tests), researchers tried to more accurately and tangibly identify what is behind these lasting, loving, and happy marriages.

In one study, Dr. Acevedo, who specifically studies the neuroscience of relationships, conducted a phone survey of 274 men and women in long-term, committed relationships and who considered themselves still madly in love. She collected data related to marital happiness and passionate love and expected to find only a small percentage of couples still deeply in love. Dr. Acevedo was extremely surprised to find nearly 40 percent registering high on the romance scale! Couples in the other 60 percent also had high levels of relationship satisfaction and considered themselves still very much in love—just not as acutely as the first group.

In another study, 17 men and women (married an average of 21 years) agreed to undergo a brain scan so that researchers could try to identify how long-term, romantic relationships affect the brain. When shown a picture of their spouse (as opposed to a friend), parts of the brain related to romantic love were activated—similar to a couple falling in love. What was especially interesting is that in these older couples with longer-term marriages, something additional was identified in the brain scan. For these couples who had weathered life and shared significant experiences together, a unique part of the brain associated with deep attachment and security was activated as well! So, in addition to the euphoric feelings related to romantic love, these couples also experienced feelings of security and calm in the relationship.

So you ask: What did these couples have in common to keep the romance alive all those years? While there is still uncertainty and debate surrounding what specifically fosters and preserves marital happiness, romance, and longevity, these couples did in fact share certain things in common. Researchers discovered the following facts about these couples:

  • They remained active and engaged in one another’s lives.
  • They were committed to working on and growing the marriage. (They recognized and understood that marriage is work and doesn’t just “go” on its own!)
  • They were intentional about doing new and different activities together

As a marriage therapist, what I get out of this article is simple: There are tangible ways to work toward a more satisfying and engaged marriage—one in which you still feel in love! Despite what you may think (and the growing pessimism of the surrounding times and culture), you can be madly in love with your spouse…even decades into your marriage. It can happen. It does exist. And (wink, wink) there are some benefits that you can only enjoy decades into your marriage. Pretty cool stuff.



Jun 11

More Rules of Marriage

By Jay Slupesky
4 Comments
Marriage Dynamics

Last week, I introduced a book by Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage. The author hopes to help men and women learn new rules to help them succeed in their twenty-first-century marriage (probably more challenging now than ever before!). He offers various principles, practical tools, and effective strategies to help create intimacy, honesty, passion, and joy.

Real identifies four principles or “operating instructions” for twenty-first century couples:

  1. Relationship Empowerment: This principle focuses on putting your full self and full strength into the relationship. This approach is intentionally different from other options like acquiescing or, alternatively, focusing only on yourself and your needs. Relationship empowerment means valuing and empowering your spouse as well, thus helping the two of you to succeed.
  2. Full-Respect Living: Commitment to this principle means that you respect yourself and others (i.e., your spouse) no matter what. Regardless of what comes up, you choose respect. You do not tolerate or perpetuate anything else.
  3. Relationship Practice: Similar to Hendrix’s “conscious marriage” this principle calls for the cultivation of a “second consciousness” by continuing to bring the more regressed, ineffective, childish parts of yourself into adulthood. Despite strong (and sometimes seemingly overwhelming) pulls to live into old habits, roles, patterns and behaviors, relationship practice means that you choose (with all of your will!) to continue on a new, more conscious, healthy and rewarding path.
  4. Second Consciousness: This principle is about growing or strengthening the above-mentioned part of yourself that is more emotionally and relationally mature, rational, and constructive. This requires a commitment to growth, acquiring additional skills and tools, and empowering yourself to override old knee-jerk responses and reactions (the former consciousness).

With these principles as a foundation, next week I will talk about ten of twenty helpful practices that Real offers couples to strengthen and grow their marriage.



Jun 03

Keeping in Shape - Your Marriage, That Is.

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
Marriage Dynamics

Most people know about and understand the benefits of cardiovascular health and physical fitness. So they go to the gym or go walking or running, and they pay attention to how much they eat and drink. On second thought, not everyone works out and eats right - but they know that they should.

But why isn’t the same (or more) energy and effort spent on keeping marriages strong and toned and in shape? Why is it that people typically pay more attention to their body than they do to their emotional health and relationships?

In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terrence Real applies this concept to a marriage. It doesn’t just take care of itself. You don’t just have a fulfilling, mutually satisfying marriage without work. A successful marriage requires time, energy, and effort. The title of Real’s book also reminds us that we live in a time of exponentially greater change with new roles, expectations and desires. And many people are still trying to make 21st Century relationships work with a 20th Century (outdated) model with all of its antiquated perspectives, roles and rules. So that’s not working in our favor either. And when desires and needs aren’t matched with effective skills, tools and training, it’s a recipe for an atrophied relationship!

The New Rules of Marriage offers just that: New rules. Similar to Harville Hendrix’s work, Terrence Real has extremely helpful insight into helping marriages grow and succeed. So for the next few weeks, I will post about the principles, practices, as well as losing and winning strategies Real offers couples to get, give and “sustain and enjoy the closeness that healthy getting and giving brings.”