A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for September, 2010
Here is a transcript of an interview I did for AOL Canada on the topic of Attachment Theory in Couples Counseling:
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is an attempt to understand adult loving relationships, in particular, why some relationships work very well while others are problematic. According to the theory, everyone wants to be in a love relationship with a significant other; no one wants to be isolated. We feel safer in general and better about ourselves when we are attached to someone else.
When we are fearful or anxious about something, we want to connect with our loved one in order to be comforted. If for some reason we don’t get the comfort we are longing for, we protest in some way, perhaps by getting angry, or by clinging, or by becoming depressed.
Can you explain the different kinds of attachments?
Yes! There is one “good” type of attachment and two that are not good.
Ideally we have a secure attachment. Securely attachment people feel good about themself, are self-confident, and know that they are worthy of another’s love. They are confident and know that their mate will be there when needed.
An anxiously attached person fears that she is losing connection with her partner and responds by aggressively trying to restore the connection, perhaps by clinging, arguing, or provoking the other to anger hoping for a validating response.
An avoidantly attached person responds to a loss of connection by withdrawing and trying to suppress her attachment needs. They tell themselves that they don’t really need the other person; they are an “island.”
How is attachment theory used in couples counseling?
When a couple calls my office and asks me to work with them, their relationship has been damaged in some way, perhaps by an affair, or just by a feeling of increasing “distance” between the partners. How each partner is handling the problem almost always will be in the “anxious” style or the “avoidant” style of attachment, and this becomes clear to me early in the counseling process, even in the first or second session.
It is common for one spouse to be anxious (usually the woman) and the other avoidant (usually the man). I educate the couple as to how attachment theory sheds light on the troubled state of their marriage. For example, the anxious person frequently is manifesting anger. I help her to see that what she is feeling underneath her anger is actually anxiety that her attachment to her partner is in jeopardy.
What kinds of problems/issues does it typically address?
I find that attachment theory can almost always explain a couple’s distress. The distress could include a physical affair, an emotional affair, problems with intimacy, blended family issues, and the loss of excitement and closeness.
How and why is it effective?
Attachment theory helps me to understand what is “really” going on for the people who come to me for couples counseling. I use this information to guide the couple in healing their relationship. Once each partner understands their own attachment style, they understand themselves a lot better and know why they react the way they do. And learning your partner’s attachment style helps you to relate better to your partner and to give him or her what they need to feel more securely attached.
Using the defense mechanism of withdrawal means to escape from reality by withdrawing from it. Of course, reality in this case would be something that provokes anxiety, such as an uncomfortable situation. Think of a husband who works long hours, not because he must do so for the sake of his job, but because he’d rather not have to communicate with his wife. Another example might be aExa couple who watches TV all evening rather than doing something meaningful together to build their relationship.
The withdrawing person uses his or her own fantasies as a substitute for experiencing the real world. The fantasy is much easier to deal with and does not cause anxiety.
People who depend on withdrawal do not often express their feelings. Of course, this very often frustrates their spouses, who are lonely and looking for an emotional connection.
One final point: another way to withdraw from reality is to drink. After the third glass of wine, the mind is dulled enough that the world is easy to deal with.
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