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Mar 21

An Introduction to Cliff and Claire

By Jay Slupesky
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About Marriage Therapy

Sailboat Racing, S.F. Bay
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

My clients’ confidentiality is of the utmost importance. Hence this story is not about a real couple, but the problems that bring the couple to marriage therapy are drawn from various people with whom I have worked. I have blended the issues from a broad range of my actual cases into the lives of one fictional couple, Claire and Cliff.

When Claire and her husband Cliff came to me for marriage counseling, they were on the verge of separation, living unhappy lives, no longer enjoying being together, even feeling contempt for one another as they cycled from one fight and short-lived make-up to the next, gradually losing hope that their relationship would ever improve. Like so many couples, they had waited too long to begin marriage therapy, not seeking professional help when troubles began to invade their lives after the birth of their child, hoping instead that things would get better on their own, convincing themselves they didn’t have the time, money, or energy to see a marriage counselor. I have heard this many times and I always wonder why a happy marriage isn’t at the top of a couple’s priority list and thus more deserving of their time, money, and effort than just about everything else.

Neither Claire nor Cliff had been in counseling prior to meeting with me, other than a few sessions of pre-marital counseling with their pastor, a requirement for getting married in their church. They had seen depictions of therapy on TV and in the movies,  assuming them to be accurate depictions of the process, not realizing that screenwriters often sacrifice reality for the sake of plot development, dramatic value, and, occasionally, humor. 

Once Claire decided that she wanted to attend marriage counseling, she brought it up with her husband. Cliff, like some men, was unenthusiastic about the idea, saying that he was uncomfortable with the thought of airing their “baggage” to a third party. Clair countered that an unbiased third party was precisely what was needed in their situation because they were unable to discuss their more contentious issues in a civil and healthy manner.

Not long after that first discussion about counseling, Cliff and Claire had a particularly nasty argument, raising their voices to one another, calling each other names, which they had done only once before, and the prospect of separation was brought up for the first time. They wondered out loud whether things could ever get better between them, despairing at the thought of spending the rest of their lives just tolerating each other, losing just about any hope for improvement. At that moment Claire again suggesting marriage counseling, and Cliff agreed, not really wanting to leave his wife and child, panicking at the thought of being alone.

Claire called me the next morning and scheduled their first appointment, giving me some background on their situation and asking the usual questions about cost and duration. Fortunately I was able to schedule the appointment for later that same week.

Once Claire and Cliff knew they were about to embark on the counseling process, tensions lessened to some degree and a glimmer of hope returned.  They were able to go the next few days without any arguments.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, March 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm and is filed under About Marriage Therapy.

3 Responses to “An Introduction to Cliff and Claire”

  1. Christina Stephenson Says:
    April 2nd, 2009 at 10:01 am

    I need help with the emotional and spiritual aspects of an unusual marital counseling question. They are an educated Christian middle aged couple with 4 school age children. They describe their love life as �great.� They live on the west coast.

    He sees nothing wrong with nude recreation, even in mixed company. Before they were married, he spent a lot of time in the wilderness, and claims that nudity is sometimes very practical and enjoyable, and that true nudists or naturists are not stumbled sexually in mixed company, but are able to keep things on a platonic level.

    She believes that private parts are just that - private, and that nudity is always sexual. She has made it clear that she will never be unclothed with him in any situation where they might be seen by other people, even skinny dipping by themselves.

    He does not seem to want this kind of recreation as a means to get away from her, but wants her to experience it with him so that she can see if it is enjoyable for her and sexually safe.

    She has issues with abandonment and so she does not want him to do this without her, even if he is alone. She feels if he is nude around other people, it will always turn sexual.

    It should be noted that incidental nudity is not illegal in the county where they live, and that there are designated nude beaches.

    So here are my questions:

    1. The husband�s desire to be nude outdoors seems to be fairly strong. I am not sure if it�s any stronger than a golfer longing to go golfing, but is there a defined psychological disorder of an obsession or compulsion to be nude? Could it be some type of spiritual bondage?

    2. Is it true that nudity in mixed company is always sexual? Have some people gotten so used to being nude around others that it�s no big deal? Don�t nudists/naturists and nudist groups have fairly stringent guidelines for behavior? I have heard that there is less inappropriate behavior at nude beaches than at suited beaches. Certainly people being fully clothed at the office seems to be no barrier to falling into lust and adulterous affairs these days.

    3. What does the Bible say about this? It does seem that in ancient times people bathed in waterways, and there were no swimsuits. Whether or not a man was circumcised was common knowledge. The Bible counsels against lust, fornication and adultery, but what about simple, non sexual nudity? Can there be such a thing, or is it a gateway to lust?

    4. Is it right for the wife to completely shut down a major aspect of her husband�s recreational life, or should she try to find some way to help him get his �fix� for skinny dipping?

    5. Knowing that the wife has had past issues with abandonment, and will always feel threatened because she feels that nudity is always sexual, should the husband just lay aside this part of his life for now and focus on her healing? That would certainly help her feel more secure, but it may cause long term resentment in him if she is unwilling or unable.

    What do you think?

    Thanks for any advice you can give in this unusual situation!

    Christina Stephenson
    Pastoral Counselor

    christinastephenson75@yahoo.com

  2. Jay Slupesky Says:
    April 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Christina,

    My thought on this case is that even though the husband’s nudity may well be harmless, the facts that (1) the wife strongly objects to it, and the abandonment aspect may intensify this, and (2) nudity has an aura or suggestion of sexuality in our society, are enough to argue that the husband should be strongly encouraged to give it up.

    -Jay

  3. Gayle Says:
    November 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Christina, You could almost have been describing my marriage with a few changes. My husband and I are an ‘older’ couple, say past age 55, married 9-1/2 yrs, my 3rd (divorces), his 2nd (widower). He discovered naturism/nudity after his 1st wife died, she would never have participated or allowed him to do so. Just before we were married he mentioned going and asked me to join him. I had never been to a nudist resort and was very apprehensive. Finally he told me that if I went once and didn’t like it, he wouldn’t expect me to go back.

    Referring to your question:
    “2. Is it true that nudity in mixed company is always sexual? Have some people gotten so used to being nude around others that it�s no big deal? Don�t nudists/naturists and nudist groups have fairly stringent guidelines for behavior? I have heard that there is less inappropriate behavior at nude beaches than at suited beaches. Certainly people being fully clothed at the office seems to be no barrier to falling into lust and adulterous affairs these days.”

    Nudity in mixed company at the resorts I have been to have not demonstrated any sexual overtones. That may be the case at some, however, not the general rule. It is like “it is no big deal.” Most resorts have fairly stringent rules for behavior. Anyone not following the rules, expressing sexual interest in someone other than their spouse/companion is asked to leave the premises, generally escorted out and not allowed to return. And I’ve not witnessed any sexuality expressed even between spouses/companions at the resort we attend, and not aware of any affairs.

    Saying all that, I admit that I do not like participating in the nudist/naturist communities. To the great chagrin of my husband. After our 1st trip together, he pestered me and bargained with me until I gave in and went with him. That was 9 years ago and he still pesters me about going. The only thing I enjoy when going is to be in the pool. Skinnydipping itself is quite comfortable. He had promised to build a pool at home for that purpose, but has since gone back on his promise.

    I do think he is obsessed with nudity. First thing he does when getting home from work is take off all his clothes, and he is not a handsome figure. He gets very pouty when I do not reciprocate. It has reached the point where I wish I had never married him, but cannot divorce because of financial concerns.

    If you have any advice on my situation, please do. If I can answer any questions regarding nudism for you, just let me know.

    Gayle

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