A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Jun 11

Are You Attached?

By Jay Slupesky
Add comments
Attachment

Mother and DaughterYes, the title of this entry was inspired by Are You Experienced?, the 1967 debut album of the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Great, great stuff.

There is a popular field in psychology known as Attachment Theory. It was developed by a fellow named John Bowlby beginning back in the late 1950s. Bowlby studied how babies are attached to their adult caregivers (usually the mother). He watched how babies reacted when they were separated from their mothers. If the baby cried when the mother left, but then calmed down when she returned, it was deemed securely attached. If the baby didn’t seem to care about its mother leaving, and didn’t react much when she returned, or perhaps warmed to a stranger, it was considered to be insecurely attached. Bowlby believed that a secure attachment in infancy was necessary for normal social and emotional development.

What does this have to do with marriage therapy? Well, there is also an attachment theory of adult romantic relationships, and it somewhat parallels that of infants. Here are the types of attachment for an individual relative to the person he or she loves. Which one seems to fit you the best?

  • Secure Attachment - being with your loved one soothes you; you feel secure and safe. It gives you the confidence that you can go out on your own and be autonomous, confident that the other will be there for you when you return. This, of course, is the best way to be attached to your partner. You have a positive view of yourself and a positive view of others.
  • Anxious Attachment - you are anxious and upset when separated from the other; possibly exhibiting clingy behavior. You’re not confident about your partner’s love for you. You may pick a fight to try to get a reaction, especially if your partner is Avoidant (see the next entry). You have negative view of yourself, but a positive view of others.
  • Avoidant Attachment - Again, you are not confident of the other’s love, but instead of responding with anxiety and/or anger, you distance yourself and sometimes focus on other tasks to deal with the hurt. You have a positive view of yourself, but a negative view of others.
  • Fearful Avoidant Attachment - You want to be close, but then run away, untrusting, when closeness is offered. You have negative self-image as well as negative view of others.

In couples counseling, the therapist should know what type of attachment the wife has as well was what type the husband has. An often-seen combination is the anxious wife and the avoidant husband. The goal of marital therapy, of course, is to achieve secure attachment for both spouses.

Tags:

This entry was posted on Monday, June 11th, 2007 at 9:51 pm and is filed under Attachment.

One Response to “Are You Attached?”

  1. Attachment and 9/11 | East Bay Couples Counseling Says:
    December 25th, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    [...] you read my blog entry Are You Attached?, you may be curious about how you can find out what type of attachment best describes you. [...]

Leave a Comment