A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘About Marriage Therapy’ Category
This week I’m in Pasadena, studying Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). The workshop is being taught by two of the best-known researchers in the field.
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is quite different from many other marital therapies. There is no educational aspect to it: no lessons in communication skills or conflict management. Also, there is no behavioral aspect to it (such as trying to do more nice things for your spouse).
The three stages of EFT are:
- De-escalate the conflict cycle.
- Changing interactional positions (such as softening blame and getting the withdrawn partner to re-engage).
- Consolidate and Integrate.
EFT has done very well in effectiveness testing with real couples.
If you feel your marriage needs help, what should you do? You have several options from which to choose. Here are some of the alternatives.
You could read a book about marriage and relationships. If you search for marriage counselling on Amazon.com you will find dozens of books on the topic. A lot of these books probably have some good ideas in them (and some bad ideas as well). But once you have solved the problem of getting your spouse to read the book too, you are faced with the “one size fits all” problem: the author of the book does not know the specific and unique problems that are facing your marriage today.
You could attend a seminar or weekend retreat. These options, of course, suffer from the same “one size fits all” problem as does reading a book. How do you know if your specific issue will even be mentioned at the seminar? And what are the credentials of the persons who will lead the seminar?
You could sign up for a web-based program. Some of the advertisements for these programs say they are an alternative to marriage counseling, but in fact they are marriage counseling done remotely by internet or telephone. Why choose marriage counseling by phone when you can choose marriage counseling in person?
You could meet with a priest/pastor/rabbi, who is probably a wonderful person, and is eminently qualified to give you spiritual advice, but who has no training in marriage counselling, and who is not a licensed counselor.
And finally, you could choose marriage counseling. A marriage counselor has specific training in working with relationship problems. The counselor will get to know both of you and will hear your issues in detail. He or she will give you ideas, point out problems, and give you assignments that are specific to you. And remember that marriage counseling has been proven to be effective in drawing couples closer together. I offer marriage counseling in my San Ramon, Livermore, and Walnut Creek offices. Nearby cities include Pleasanton, Danville, Dublin, Concord, Pleasant Hill, Clayton, Antioch, Brentwood, Sunol, Mountain House, and Tracy. Call me at 925-351-8447 to schedule a session.
All marriage & family therapists (MFTs) in California are licensed to perform marriage therapy. Yet, surprisingly, the typical MFT has limited training in working with couples and finds such work difficult. A few MFTs, however, choose marriage therapy as a specialty and pursue advanced training in the field. This distinction between a typical MFT and an MFT who is a marriage therapist is important, because the skills required to be a good marriage therapist are quite different than the skills learned and practiced by therapists who work with individuals. For example, an individual therapist helps people to understand and process their feelings, identify and correct faulty ways of thinking, and come to terms with problems experienced in childhood.
On the other hand, a marriage therapist focuses on the relationship between two people. If a couple is in crisis, there usually is not a lot of time to look at family-of-origin issues right away (although that could come later when some stability has been achieved). The marriage therapist looks to see what levels of fondness and admiration the partners have for one another, and whether any feelings of love remain. The marriage therapist is also very interested in how a couple handles conflict. Who starts a conflict discussion? And is it a harsh or a soft start? How does the other partner react? How long does the conflict last? Who tries to repair the relationship?
It is not unusual for there to trust problems in a marriage, and the therapist must be able to help the couple to work through the healing and forgiveness that are required to restore the marriage to a position of strength. With a good marriage therapist, and with time and hard work, some couples emerge from the crisis of infidelity when an even stronger relationship than they had before the affair came to light.
The marriage therapist is also a teacher. Many couples do not know how to handle conflict discussions in a way that prevents them from spiraling out of control. The therapist can give a couple the proper tools to keep disagreements at a calm emotional level.
All of these facets of couples counseling are performed by a marriage therapist. I offer marriage therapy in my San Ramon, Livermore, and Walnut Creek offices. Nearby cities include Pleasanton, Danville, Dublin, Concord, Pleasant Hill, Clayton, Antioch, Brentwood, Sunol, Mountain House, and Tracy. Call me at 925-351-8447 to schedule a no-charge introductory consultation.
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East Bay Couples
Counseling
Two Convenient Locations
- San Ramon: Off I-680 at Crow Canyon Road
- Livermore: Near Valley Memorial Hospital and LifeStyleRx