A Marriage Therapist's Blog
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Archive for the ‘Attachment’ Category
Here is a transcript of an interview I did for AOL Canada on the topic of Attachment Theory in Couples Counseling:
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is an attempt to understand adult loving relationships, in particular, why some relationships work very well while others are problematic. According to the theory, everyone wants to be in a love relationship with a significant other; no one wants to be isolated. We feel safer in general and better about ourselves when we are attached to someone else.
When we are fearful or anxious about something, we want to connect with our loved one in order to be comforted. If for some reason we don’t get the comfort we are longing for, we protest in some way, perhaps by getting angry, or by clinging, or by becoming depressed.
Can you explain the different kinds of attachments?
Yes! There is one “good” type of attachment and two that are not good.
Ideally we have a secure attachment. Securely attachment people feel good about themself, are self-confident, and know that they are worthy of another’s love. They are confident and know that their mate will be there when needed.
An anxiously attached person fears that she is losing connection with her partner and responds by aggressively trying to restore the connection, perhaps by clinging, arguing, or provoking the other to anger hoping for a validating response.
An avoidantly attached person responds to a loss of connection by withdrawing and trying to suppress her attachment needs. They tell themselves that they don’t really need the other person; they are an “island.”
How is attachment theory used in couples counseling?
When a couple calls my office and asks me to work with them, their relationship has been damaged in some way, perhaps by an affair, or just by a feeling of increasing “distance” between the partners. How each partner is handling the problem almost always will be in the “anxious” style or the “avoidant” style of attachment, and this becomes clear to me early in the counseling process, even in the first or second session.
It is common for one spouse to be anxious (usually the woman) and the other avoidant (usually the man). I educate the couple as to how attachment theory sheds light on the troubled state of their marriage. For example, the anxious person frequently is manifesting anger. I help her to see that what she is feeling underneath her anger is actually anxiety that her attachment to her partner is in jeopardy.
What kinds of problems/issues does it typically address?
I find that attachment theory can almost always explain a couple’s distress. The distress could include a physical affair, an emotional affair, problems with intimacy, blended family issues, and the loss of excitement and closeness.
How and why is it effective?
Attachment theory helps me to understand what is “really” going on for the people who come to me for couples counseling. I use this information to guide the couple in healing their relationship. Once each partner understands their own attachment style, they understand themselves a lot better and know why they react the way they do. And learning your partner’s attachment style helps you to relate better to your partner and to give him or her what they need to feel more securely attached.
Interesting article in the newspapers today. Research just published by the National Center for Health Statistics indicates that couples who lived together before they were married are less likely to stay married. In fact, couples who cohabitated are 6% less likely to have their marriage last ten years or longer.
I’m sure this will be hard for many people to believe. Young people tend to think that they should live together for a year or more to insure that they are compatible before they commit to marriage.
My two cents on this topic is that we should not be too hasty to assume cause and effect here. (Or as my professors used to say, don’t confuse correlation with causation.) I’m not disputing the data that there exists a correlation between living together before marriage and a reduced length of marriage. But we cannot conclude that cohabitation causes a marriage to be less stable. Perhaps both of these things are caused by some other factor. For example, I would guess that people who feel less strongly about the “sanctity of marriage” would be more likely to move in together without being married, and would also be quicker to “pull the plug” on a marriage when things got rough.
- Claremont Resort, Oakland
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Usually my reading interests are limited to photography magazines and the occasional spy or murder mystery, but right now I’m reading a fascinating non-fiction book, Making a Good Brain Great, by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Amen (Three Rivers Press, 2005). As you might surmise from the title, the book is about improving your brain function now as well as keeping it working well even as you age, which, alas, is something that is happening to me.
Amen talks about the importance of being in a loving and physically affectionate relationship. He writes, “men and women need touching, eye contact, and sexual connection to stay healthy. When you feel loved, nurtured, cared for, supported, and intimate, you are much more likely to be happier and healthier.”
- St. Michael Church, Livermore
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
There have been many marriage, relationship, and love books written over the years, some quite good and very popular, but in my opinion, not enough has been written about the corrosive effect that low self-esteem inflicts upon a marriage, a problem that I see on a daily basis.
Individuals with self-esteem problems may view themselves in one or more of the following ways: deficient, lacking, a “loser”, hard to love, or unworthy of love. Now, since I believe the key relationship question is: “how much do I matter to you?”, those people with a self-image of unworthiness are going to be haunted frequently by doubts about how much they matter to the spouse, because they don’t feel deserving enough.
As a result, low self-esteem individuals tend to be on-guard to an extreme degree for perceived slights from the spouse or for any sign of a problem in the marriage. They typically will react defensively and strongly when they feel some type of threat. This means there will be more conflict than is normal when self-esteem is an issue.
Another problem exacerbated by low self-esteem is non-communication, and I’ll talk more about that in my next post.
- Contrail Over San Francisco Bay
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
When I meet with couples whose marriages are in crisis, I see people in severe emotional pain. Why is it so painful when your relationship is troubled? What is it that keeps us awake at night?
According to psychological “Attachment Theory” we are all born with a need for emotional closeness and connectedness with others. As children this need is satisfied by our parents, but as adults we need love and responsiveness from another adult.
Back to the couple whose marriage is troubled: the secure attachment with another adult is damaged and may even be close to ending. We’re not getting the love that we need from another adult. That is painful enough. The thought that the relationship might end can be scary.
By the way, the need for secure attachment explains a lot of the anger that occurs in a couple’s relationship. When we perceive a threat to our happy relationship, we protest. Unfortunately, the protest often takes the form of anger and harsh words (which damages things even more) rather than a a clear statement expressing a heartfelt need (which should result in more intimacy). That’s why good communication skills are so important.
Imagine a husband sitting down to the family’s computer. He notices that his wife forgot to log out of her email account before she left for work that morning. Unable to resist the temptation, he looks at some of her email, and finds a message sent to her from one of her male co-workers. The message is inappropriate in that the co-worker says that he thinks the woman is “hot.” Naturally, this gets the husband’s attention, and he calls wife to ask her about it. What does he say? Here are three possibilities:
- “This email really bothers me. Is there something going on between you and this guy? I hope not. I love you and I don’t want anything to threaten our marriage.” (Secure attachment)
- “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! Now it’s all over. I knew that I couldn’t trust you. I should have started checking up on you a long time ago.” (Anxious attachment)
- “Fine. Whatever. I hope you have fun with him. I don’t want to talk about this any more. I’ll be at the gym when you get home.” (Avoidant attachment)
Which of these three possibilities is most likely to get a full and honest response from the wife?
If you read my blog entry Are You Attached?, you may be curious about how you can find out what type of attachment best describes you. Here’s a good way to find out. Ask yourself how you respond (or who you go to) in time of fear and uncertainty. What do you do when you feel threatened? Who do you talk to when you are discouraged? In cases like this, do you have someone you can go to for comfort? If so, you are probably securely attached to that person. He or she is the one who can soothe you and help you feel like everything is going to be OK. If that person is your spouse/partner, that’s great!
What if, on the other hand, you don’t have anyone you can go to in your times of trouble? You are alone, and you become nervous and upset. You are anxiously attached.
Or what if you think that no one could possibly help you, and that you are strong enough to solve your problems on your own? You are avoidantly attached.
Think back to September 11, 2001, when you first heard about what happened and realized the magnitude of it. How did you react, knowing that the U.S. was under attack? Did you talk to a friend/spouse/lover who helped you feel more secure? Did you become anxious, upset, or depressed? Or did you feel detached? This is a good way to understand your attachment type.
For those in marriage therapy, or just contemplating your relationship, it’s good to know what type of attachment you have with your spouse/partner. Is he or she a source of security for you?
Yes, the title of this entry was inspired by Are You Experienced?, the 1967 debut album of the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Great, great stuff.
There is a popular field in psychology known as Attachment Theory. It was developed by a fellow named John Bowlby beginning back in the late 1950s. Bowlby studied how babies are attached to their adult caregivers (usually the mother). He watched how babies reacted when they were separated from their mothers. If the baby cried when the mother left, but then calmed down when she returned, it was deemed securely attached. If the baby didn’t seem to care about its mother leaving, and didn’t react much when she returned, or perhaps warmed to a stranger, it was considered to be insecurely attached. Bowlby believed that a secure attachment in infancy was necessary for normal social and emotional development.
What does this have to do with marriage therapy? Well, there is also an attachment theory of adult romantic relationships, and it somewhat parallels that of infants. Here are the types of attachment for an individual relative to the person he or she loves. Which one seems to fit you the best?
- Secure Attachment - being with your loved one soothes you; you feel secure and safe. It gives you the confidence that you can go out on your own and be autonomous, confident that the other will be there for you when you return. This, of course, is the best way to be attached to your partner. You have a positive view of yourself and a positive view of others.
- Anxious Attachment - you are anxious and upset when separated from the other; possibly exhibiting clingy behavior. You’re not confident about your partner’s love for you. You may pick a fight to try to get a reaction, especially if your partner is Avoidant (see the next entry). You have negative view of yourself, but a positive view of others.
- Avoidant Attachment - Again, you are not confident of the other’s love, but instead of responding with anxiety and/or anger, you distance yourself and sometimes focus on other tasks to deal with the hurt. You have a positive view of yourself, but a negative view of others.
- Fearful Avoidant Attachment - You want to be close, but then run away, untrusting, when closeness is offered. You have negative self-image as well as negative view of others.
In couples counseling, the therapist should know what type of attachment the wife has as well was what type the husband has. An often-seen combination is the anxious wife and the avoidant husband. The goal of marital therapy, of course, is to achieve secure attachment for both spouses.
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