A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Communication’ Category
- Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland
I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me. Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with? Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?
In the first session I ask about the conflict level. Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue. “Never argue? So you agree about everything?” I ask. Well…no. They don’t agree about everything. No two people agree about everything. What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.
If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them. Thus, the couple never argues! Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.
How to help the couple that never argues? Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist. And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.
John Gottman has a theory about Positive Sentiment Override vs. Negative Sentiment Override in a couple’s communication. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. Consider a perfectly neutral statement such as, “we’re almost out of milk.” One possible response to this is, “OK, I should be able to pick up some more tomorrow.” This is positive. Another possible response would be something like, “so I’m a failure at grocery shopping? Why are you always criticizing me?” This is, of course, negative. This negative reponse is defensive and seems to indicate a chip on the shoulder.
How to change Sentiment Override from Negative to Positive? Work on reducing criticism and increasing appreciation.
Sometimes the best solution to a disagreement between partners is to agree on a compromise. Each person gives a little on their position and the couple “meets in the middle.”
How easily can you and your spouse discuss a difficult problem and reach a solution that is acceptable to both of you? The ability to reach a compromise is good tool to have in your marriage toolbox.
Here are some pointers on compromising:
- Figure out what aspects of the problem the two of you agree on. Where is there agreement? Begin by focusing on that.
- Tell each other what your goals are in this situation. Each person should clearly understand the other person’s goals.
- Now the part that you don’t agree about. Once again, be sure you understand what the other person’s position is, and why it so important to them.
- Figure out where there is some flexibility in both positions.
- Take turns making suggested compromises with some give-and-take until an agreement is reached.
We typically think of couples where the woman talks a lot more than the man. She can talk about how she feels and communicate what she wants, but the man can’t or won’t do so nearly as much.
But in some couples that I have worked with, neither partner communicates very much. Both hesititate to tell the other how they feel, what they think, or what they want.
I think this is a recipe for trouble. My typical comment in a situation like this is, “Wow. There must be a lot of things going unsaid.” When hurt feelings are bottled up, feelings of resentment rise and a blow-up is usually just around the corner. Multiply this by two when both partners are keeping their feelings to themselves.
What’s the solution? Create an environment where it’s safe to say how you feel because you are confident that you will get an understanding response.
Here is a little quiz about how well you and your spouse (or partner) resolve your conflicts. There is no scoring, but hopefully you will find it thought-provoking.
By the way: time spent with a skill marriage counselor can greatly improve your conflict resolution ability!
- Do you sometimes not say things during arguments because you don’t want to hurt my spouse’s feelings? Or can you comfortably (and respectfully) state your position?
- Do arguments over little things turn into big arguments? Or are they resolved quickly?
- Do the two of you have different opinions about the best way to handle your disagreements? Or do you have a reliable method to reach resolution?
- Do you usually end up feeling guilty after an argument?
- Do you do too much to avoid arguments? Or are arguments something that you don’t need to fear?
- Do you tend to give in too soon in order to end an argument with your spouse? Or are you able to proceed comfortably?
- Does your spouse not take your side seriously? Or does he/she respect your opinion?
- Can you not tell your spouse your feelings because of his/her possible reaction?
- Does your spouse not understand your point of view during disagreements? Hopefully he/she takes the time to see things from your point of view.
- Do some of your disagreements never get resolved? This can lead to ongoing contempt and resentment.
As I’ve written about before, probably more than half of the couples I meet with tell me that they have communication problems. Following are some questions that I ask to try to clarify exactly what the problem is. Ask yourself these questions!
- Can you tell your partner about things that are bothering you? Or do you keep those things to yourself because you don’t want to upset your partner? People who don’t talk about hurts can build up resentment.
- Do you feel “heard” by your partner? Does he/she respect your opinion and consider your point of view?
- Can you ask for partner for things that you want? Or are you afraid of being turned down or punished in some way?
- When you are partner disagree about something, do one (or both) of you refuse to talk about it? In other words, does one of you “withdraw” as a defense against possible conflict?
- Do you wish your partner were more willing to talk to you? Are you lonely and wanting deeper conversations?
- Does your partner always know how you feel? He/she will only know if you are feel free to talk about your feelings! (See #1)
Marriage counselors often talk about the importance of a person achieving congruence in his or her communication with others. What is congruence? In a nutshell, it’s having your words match your feelings at all times. In other words, your words should be congruent with your feelings.
If you are hurting, lonely, or angry, can you tell you spouse/partner? That’s congruence! Do you keep your feelings to yourself for some reason? Or, even worse, do you pretend that nothing is wrong? Those are examples of incongruence.
Good communication in a couple relationship includes congruence by both partners. When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling, it’s not unusual to have blocked communication. For example, a man might be afraid to tell his wife how he is feeling because he fears her angry response. In this case, I work to (1) help the man overcome his fear of his angry wife, while at the same time (2) help the wife to respond to her husband with less anger and less defensiveness.
Once in a while I have a couple in marriage counseling who are so used to arguing with each other that they think they can just continue to fight while they are in my office. They’ll come in for their first session and while one of them is telling me his/her point of view, the other will interrupt to try and tell me the other side. Pretty soon they are no longer talking to me, but instead are arguing with one another, as if I weren’t even there. They must think that this is healthy, a good idea, and that I won’t mind.
Wrong.
I intervene pretty quickly and tell them that if they want to argue with one another, they can save a lot of money by doing it for free at home rather than paying me to listen to it. That usually gets their attention. Sometimes I have to repeat this process a few times before it really “sticks” with them, but eventually most couples learn that I’m not going to allow them to play the blame game while they are in my office. We then start working on healthy communication right away.
I’ve had a few couples who simply could not stop blaming one another during marriage counseling sessions, no matter how many times I intervened. When this happens, I stop seeing them together and start seeing them separately in individual sessions. We work on communication individually and get that down before we start meeting together again.
And no, I don’t give couples foam bats to hit each other with!
OK, today is our day on the blog tour of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott to promote their new book Trading Places: The Best Move You’ll Ever Make in Your Marriage. We submitted a question to the Parrotts and are publishing the question here, along with their answer.
Q: Les and Leslie, Are there practical ways to keep the methods of empathy you suggest really front and center in our minds, even when times get tough? It seems as if we always get side-tracked and bogged down in an argument or tense situation and only afterwards does one of us realize that we forgot all about the ways we should have handled the conflict. How can we make sure that we think of the Trading Places steps sooner rather than later?
A: We can tell you what works for us. We have a little code that one of us will, hopefully, utter before a conversation gets too heated. One of us will simple say “90 percent.” Why? Because we know that research says that whatever a couple is fighting about, once they see the issue from each other’s perspective – once they Trade Places – the issue ill completely resolve itself 90 percent of the time. Isn’t that amazing?
Think about that! Forget about all the other bells and whistles that we “marriage experts” teach couples to resolve conflict. If all you did was practice empathy – accurately seeing issues from your partner’s point of view – you would eliminate 90 percent of your arguments. We can tell you this is true not only from research studies, but from our own marriage as well.
Once you see the nearly instant results of trading places during these tense times, you’ll be a believer. That’s why, for us, we do our best to use the trigger phrase of “90 percent” to help one another press the pause button and empathize.
Of course, another strategy that might help you trade places when you feel a conflict emerging is to take a proverbial “time out.” Before one of you gets to a place where you’re beginning to lose it, press the pause button. Agree to take a time out. But – and this is important – also agree on the time you’ll come back together. It may be 5 minutes or 5 hours, but be sure to set a time that you can count on reconnecting. And during your time out, as your gather your wits and become more objective, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If you’re having a tough time doing that, write a list of questions you want to ask him or her to help you see the situation from his or her perspective.
The other day, I had a few hours between meetings with clients, and I went for a bite to eat. While I was sitting in a restaurant, I happened to overhear someone use these words: “If I were in their shoes…”
Have you ever thought about really being in someone else’s shoes? Not, literally, of course; being in someone else’s shoes is a euphemism for empathy, which is to know exactly how some else is feeling. That’s hard to do in a world where we taught to get in touch with our own feelings. Should we even bother to be empathic? And, if so, how can you do it?
This the subject of a new book written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott called Trading Places. The cover of the book has a clever illustration of a shoe whose front half is a man’s shoe and the rear half is a red high heel! The Parrots point out that empathy is an extremely important characteristic to have in a good marriage. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes (or “skin”) is a way of understanding where they are coming from. This does wonders for reducing conflict between spouses.
Walt Whitman wrote, “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I become the wounded person.” That’s empathy - actually feeling what the other person feels. Analyzing trades places in the head, sympathizing trades places in the heart, but empathizing does both. It is to understand from both the head and the heart.
So what does empathy (or “trading spaces”) do? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a list of a few things that empathy can accomplish in your marriage:
- reduce criticism
- eliminate nagging
- make conflicts shorter
- makes you better friends/partners
- reinforces commitment
- brings “grace” to your marriage
- makes for a longer life
- allows for dreams to flourish
As Dr. and Dr. Parrott say: “When you accurately see any situation from another’s point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly take a different approach to it“.
On Tuesday, May 6, this humble blog will be the host of the Parrotts’ two-week “Blog Tour” in which we’ll post a question to them, along with their answer. So stay tuned! In the meantime, you might want to try out trading places with your spouse.
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