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After reading last week’s post on passive-aggressive behavior (aggressive behavior cloaked in a curtain of passivity), you may be more curious about additional signs of passive-aggressiveness. Based on an article by Cathy Meyer, a Marriage Educator, some additional signs are:
- Ambiguity: The passive-aggressive person typically does not say what s/he really wants to say or mean what s/he does actually communicate. S/he can be extremely ambiguous and the best way to learn how a passive-aggressive person thinks or feels about an issue is the way he or she behaves.
- Forgetfulness: One way to conveniently avoid responsibility is to conveniently “forget”… Forgetting important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, date night, etc. is an easy way to indirectly inflict pain or punish a spouse or partner.
- Blaming: Another way to avoid responsibility is to blame. A passive-aggressive person believes that s/he is never at fault and will most likely point the finger at you (easiest target) and, if not you, then something or someone else.
- Lack of Expressed Anger: While the passive-aggressive person may seem copacetic with whatever you want, that is rarely the case. For whatever reason (e.g., anger is unacceptable; I must keep the peace; I don’t want to be exposed, etc.), this person will “stuff” the anger and go along with whatever (accommodate), but will then find some under-handed way to get back at you.
- Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
- Fear of Intimacy: Related to dependency, the passive-aggressive person fears intimacy and trust. S/he will guard against becoming too attached and may create distance or punish the significant other if s/he feels this is happening in the relationship.
- Obstructionism: It is important to the passive-aggressive person that you do not get what you want. S/he will act like it is important and a priority but will either make you wait a long time or will never follow through. Thus, it can be confusing because what is said and what is actually done are two very different things. Further, you can begin to feel like you are too demanding, which is exactly what the passive-aggressive person wants.
- Victimization: Along with not accepting responsibility for anything and believing that s/he has no faults, the passive-aggressive person feels that s/he is often treated unfairly. For example, because being late was the slow grocery store cashier’s fault, s/he is “innocent” and the victim. S/he will feel very confused, attacked and outraged that you would even think to get upset. Thus, it is your fault. You are the one with unreasonable and overly demanding expectations…yet again. Or, the passive-aggressive person will sarcastically retort: “Yeah, I’m just terrible. It’s all my fault. I’m such a horrible person.” Of course, s/he does not believe this to be true but still avoids any real responsibility or discussion about what is really going on.
- Procrastination: Deadlines do not exist for the passive-aggressive person. S/he does things in her or his own time frame and assumes that everyone else understands and complies with this. Or else.
It is clear how these traits and passive-aggressive behavior in general can impair or dissolve a relationship over time and make you wonder if it was ever “real” to begin with. It is miserable for both the person with the passive-aggressive tendencies as well as for the partner or spouse who feels totally drained, torn down, and tired of the “crazy making” interactions. Finding support can be the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling existence for both people in the relationship and to further understand this behavior and the role it plays in each partner’s life.
In a previous blog entry I wrote about passive-aggressive behavior. Not everyone has a good understanding of what this type of conduct looks like, so I decided to devote a few posts to this common yet subtly toxic behavior that can impair relationships and marriages.
So then, what is passive-aggressive behavior? Think of someone who handles his anger by trying to sabotage things, or by being disruptive and uncooperative. The passive-aggressive person is unable or unwilling to express anger in a healthy and honest way, and so he unconsciously resorts to “getting even.” And by the way, the passive-aggressive person will usually deny that he is engaging in this type of behavior.
What might this actually look like in a marriage? Here are some examples:
- A wife withholds sex from her husband as a way to subtly punish him for something he did that made her angry. Instead of talking about the issue, she decides she will get revenge by refusing to be sexual with him.
- A man has a new lock put on the front door and “forgets” to give his wife the key.
- A husband continually procrastinates doing some chores that his wife asked him to do. When she tries to talk about it, he won’t engage in healthy communication. Instead he says, “yes, you’re right. You’re right again, honey. I’m a terrible person. You are always right.”
- A husband goes into work unnecessarily on a Saturday to punish his wife for embarrassing him at a party the night before.
- A boss schedules an early-morning staff meeting but then shows up forty minutes late.
- A woman talks on the phone for an hour when she knows that her husband is calling trying to get ahold of her.
- A wife who says, “Go ahead. Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here in the cold.”
- A stay-at-home parent who declares, “Your kids would like to see you at some point, you know.”
- Or the classic: “Whatever you say is fine, dear.”
Do any of these examples sound familiar?
Passive-aggressive behavior shuts off any chance of dealing with what is actually going on between partners or spouses. And the anger builds.
Regardless of the cause, passive-aggressive behavior hurts both the person displaying it and the person on the receiving end. Typically, relationships are slowly drained of trust, happiness, and closeness.
The encouraging news is that if you struggle with passive-aggressive behavior, change is possible. By reclaiming the part of yourself that is holding back and interfering with living a full and authentic life, you can have healthy, honest communication and behavior in your most meaningful relationships.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could take your spouse’s criticism and use it as an opportunity for additional knowledge, instead of as a source of conflict? How could this improve your marriage?
Author Harville Hendrix provides four general principles about criticism:
- Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality. While this may be a bitter pill to swallow, most spouses are experts at spotting and knowing their mate’s weaknesses and character flaws. If you are able not to react or become defensive, then these interactions provide an opportunity to acknowledge your own disowned traits and to grow and change.
- Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your spouse are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. This interaction also provides an opportunity for your spouse to gain information about his or her childhood wounds and unmet needs. Write down the specific criticism as well as a) feelings and thoughts that emerged when the spouse acts this way, b) feelings and thoughts that may be deeper than the ones first realized, and c) if these same thoughts and feelings were present in childhood?
- Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself. It is often true that a criticism of another is a valid statement about oneself. While this takes courage, ask yourself the question, “In what way is my criticism of _______ (partner) also true of me?” It is much easier and more comfortable to spot a negative trait in your partner and criticize it than to separate it from your partner, own it, and address it within yourself.
- Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you identify your own “lost self”. Often, if a criticism is not a projection of a negative trait within you, it is an expression of an unconscious lost part of yourself. If you find yourself criticizing your spouse for being too much of something (too playful, too carefree, too dedicated, etc.), you are often identifying undeveloped or repressed parts of yourself that you wish you developed. When you see your spouse expressing these traits, you may become quietly jealous and resentful. Again, the key is to glean knowledge from these criticisms and use this information to grow and change toward a more full, conscious, and enriched self and relationship.
Anger exists in every relationship. How it is expressed and dealt with, though, are unique to each individual and couple. Some people deal with their anger by repressing and stifling it. Others express their anger in more indirect and subtle (yet highly destructive) ways, such as corrosive criticism and passive/aggressive comments and behaviors. Other couples may be more direct and overt with their anger, resulting in yelling and frequent fighting. For some, anger and rage are so uncontained that they become explosive and, in the worst case, physically violent.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, anger is accepted as an emotion that exists in every individual and relationship. Exploring how couples express (or repress) anger is essential in order to reduce its destructive impact. I teach couples tools such as containment, which permits anger and resentment to be expressed and released in a relationship without hurting the other person. While the root of the couple’s anger is also significant, containment first works to help create space and a safe climate for anger to be expressed and heard without judgment, defensiveness, or criticism. Containment also teaches more objectivity around your spouse’s anger in that his/her anger won’t harm you, and that therefore you don’t have to be wrapped up in his/her emotional state or reactivity.
Containment is only one of many tools that Imago Relationship Therapy offers to help couples experience and express anger more constructive ways. The result is living more honestly, fully, and intimately with your partner by converting anger—a potentially harmful emotion—into its original, life-giving and loving form.
Last week I listed the first five of ten key characteristics—in behavior and attitude—in a “conscious marriage”, as described in Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. This type of marriage is based on honesty and awareness, and is geared toward safety, healing, and growth. Imago Relationship Therapy assists couples in moving toward this type of relationship and in taking the necessary steps to cultivate real, lasting, and rewarding change.
The remaining five characteristics of a conscious marriage are as follows:
6. You embrace the “dark side” of your personality. You acknowledge that you (like every other person), have traits or qualities that are negative and not constructive in the relationship. This process also requires accepting responsibility for these traits. The more that you are able to do this, the less you will assign or project these negative traits onto your spouse. In a conscious marriage, you recognize and accept responsibility for the dark side of your nature.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. Instead of employing unconscious, ineffective strategies to try and manipulate or coerce your partner into meeting your needs and wants, you utilize new techniques. You realize that it is possible to work with your partner and that he or she is not against you and can actually be a resource for you.
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. In a conscious marriage, you realize that one of the reasons that you were attracted to your spouse is that you saw strengths and abilities in him/her that you lack. You also accept that being with your partner and looking to him/her to be what you lacked gave you a false sense of wholeness. You learn that you are capable of developing the strengths, abilities and wholeness that you truly desire.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole. You recognize that despite imperfect parenting and social conditioning, you do have the capacity to love without conditions and to experience unity with your spouse, others, and the world around you. You rediscover the need for this and that over time you lost touch with these qualities.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. Previously, you believed that your marriage was not good or failing because you didn’t pick the right person. In a conscious marriage, you realize this is unrealistic and illusory and that it is your responsibility to be the best partner that you can be. You accept that marriage is hard and that it requires determination, commitment, compromise, discipline, and a lot of really hard work!
Last week, I explained a bit about Imago Relationship Therapy, a type of couples counseling that I have found to be very effective in improving a couple’s communication. In this post, I’ll describe the core practice of Imago Therapy, namely, the Imago Dialogue. In this dialogue the couple engages in a three-part structured conversation. I teach the dialogue’s structure in counseling sessions, and we practice it extensively in my office. Eventually the couple is able to use the dialogue at home, away from my office.
The first part of the Imago Dialogue is listening to and mirroring (repeating back) a spouse’s concern. Mirroring is important because it provides an opportunity for the listener to convince the speaker that the listener heard and understood everything that was said. The second part of the Dialogue is validating, in which the listener insures that he/she understands the partner’s point of view without judgment - and without necessarily agreeing with it. This requires the listener to suspend his or her critique and to try to understand the other person’s perspective. (This is not easy!) The third part of the dialogue is empathizing - or truly feeling what your partner is feeling as if you were the one experiencing it.
The goal of the Dialogue is to be as fully attentive and respectful as possible during communication and, ultimately, to help each other heal and grow. This is not an easy process at first, but it can be learned with practice. The couple’s job is to commit to this challenging (yet highly rewarding) practice in order to become attentive and attuned to one another and to become witnesses to one another’s intimate experience and healing.
News flash! Men and women really are different! Duh. You don’t need me to tell you that. You also don’t need me to tell you that how men and women communicate is often quite different. Another “duh.” Yet, I wonder how many couples actually take the time to consider and explore the meaning behind what is communicated?
The book Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, provides a great illlustration of how the same phrase can mean two totally very things to a man and to a woman. Consider a couple who are getting dressed for an event. She looks in her closet and says, “I have nothing to wear!” Translation: “I have nothing new!” He looks in his closet and says, “I have nothing to wear.” Translation: “I have nothing clean!”
Let’s play out this illustration to see how something so seemingly minor as meaning can affect the daily interactions in your marriage. Imagine again the wife exclaiming, “I have nothing to wear!” Hubby looks at her closet (chock-full of clothes), feels confused by her seemingly-irrational comment and replies, “Honey, you have plenty of things to wear!” She snaps at him because she perceives a lack of empathy and understanding, and she feels even more irritated! Hubby still feels in the dark about this whole clothes thing and is more confused by her strong retort to his seemingly helpful comment. The conversation ends and both continue on, feeling unclear about what just happened. Sound familiar?
The great news is that neither person is wrong. Each person just means something different that often doesn’t make sense to the other. The woman assumes that her husband knows what she means, and the husband assumes his wife understands him. Don’t assume. If you feel confused, hurt, or disrespected by something your spouse says, take a posture of honesty and curiousity. Simply ask, “When you said ______, what did you mean?” Let him or her know how it originally sounded and felt for you. The payoffs: You learn about each other, your spouse feels more understood and cared about, and you will most likely alleviate further misunderstanding, hurt, and conflict.
It’s perfectly normal for there to be occasional disagreements and conflict in healthy relationships andmarriages. While this type of interaction is probably not ideal, it truly is part of the reality of being in a committed relationship. Living side by side with another human being who may have a very different background and different ideas about life and money and family means that misunderstandings and miscommunications are inevitable.
What is interesting (if not completely awesome) is that while some conflicts are unavoidable, research has shown that having a reserve or reservoir of positive, caring exchanges and interactions can soften the blow. In fact, it can even help you to avoid overreacting to a misunderstanding. Think about it: if your spouse took the time to stop and notice something you did, or asked about a current stressful situation in your life, you will most likely feel more loved, attended to, and supported. Or consider if you and your partner shared a mutually loving and positive interaction or experience which increased your reservoirs of goodwill—such as taking a walk or hike together, working on a project around the house, cooking a meal together, having a “date night”, etc.—you will most likely feel better and closer and more willing to overlook momentary miscommunications or irritations.
So if it is true that this reservoir of goodwill serves as an antidote to potential squabbles, why not practice filling your spouse’s resorvoir? It’s free and painless and while it may feel like a drop in the bucket, it’s can be so much more. Enough drops over time create a reserve that can be drawn upon when conflict does arise. I think of it as “saving for a rainy day.”
A few additional notes:
- Challenge yourself to notice — not as a task or a chore but as a positive choice. It’s amazing how much you will begin to notice if you intentionally look for different and new ways to affirm your spouse.
- If you cannot find anything on which to positively comment, or any activity to share with your spouse, try to learn: ask questions and get to know your spouse better. What matters most? What are some favorite hobbies or activities? What does a day in his or her life really look like? What are his/her goals, hopes and dreams?
- Make sure that you find the best times to have these exchanges. Find out when your spouse is the least distracted and most open and able to receive what you have to share.
- Last but not least, it’s not about you. The goal is to focus on your partner’s reservoir of goodwill regardless of how well or how equally you believe that your own reservoir is being filled. Give to give more, don’t give to get.
- Grand Piano Strings
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
The research journal Personal Relationships has published a study about - and I am not making this up - whether it’s possible to predict if a couple will stay together just by looking at what words they use in their instant message (IM) conversations. The answer they came up with is yes, it is indeed possible.
The study showed that the use of certain pronouns and emotion words is an indicator of relationship satisfaction and stability. Some words indicate happy relationships and some other words indicate unhappiness.
So, what are the words? I’m glad you asked.
For women, the use of the word “I” indicates satisfaction with themselves and the relationship. Men’s use of the word “me” indicates more of a dissatisfaction. Hmmm.
Men’s use of positive emotion words (e.g. “happy”) indicates satisfaction and stability, and women’s use of positive negations (e.g. “not happy”) indicates dissatisfaction. One additional interesting tidbit is that the use of sarcasm (e.g. “oh, great”) is a bad sign when used both men and women.
So I’m wondering: did they really need a research study to figure this out? I think I could have told them - and saved them all the time and money they spent on the research!
- Sunset Over San Francisco
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
Some people have trouble asking their spouse for things they want. It can be something little or something big, but for some individuals there are reasons to keep their desires to themselves.
Perhaps the subject is what to do next weekend and you’d really like to go to Tahoe. Maybe it’s that you want to have sex tonight. Or it’s that you want to rearrange the living room furniture.
What keeps people from being open about what they want? I can think of three things:
- They are avoiding conflict. If they say what they want it may lead to an argument, and that would not be good.
- They feel they don’t “deserve” what they want. This sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. Some people feel that they must sacrifice their needs and desires for the good of the relationship.
- They are afraid of being turned down. The possibility of the spouse saying “no” is scary. This happens most often, I think, in the area of sex. The man (for example) may want sex, but he doesn’t ask, because his wife might say no, and that would be hard for the man to deal with. So he avoids the possibility by not bringing the issue up in the first place.
I find that people who don’t ask for things typically build up resentment over their needs not being met. This resentment is bound to come out, either quickly in a big blow-up, or slowly, with contempt on a day-by-day basis. Neither is good. I almost always try to convince my clients that it’s best for the relationship to speak freely about your desires. It’s counterproductive to do anything else.
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