A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Communication’ Category
- Flock of Dunlins in Flight
- Photo © 2008 Jay Slupesky
Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? In my experience, a person resorts to silence when they are angry and/or hurt and either (1) unable to communicate their feelings, or (2) want to punish their spouse. Or both.
The person who is choosing silence has temporarily claimed some power in the relationship. Things are going to be on hold until he or she decides to end the silence. The other person may be protesting the situation and making repeated attempts to repair things, but it only ends when the silent person wants it to end. That’s a position of power that the silent person may feel they normally are lacking.
To be on the receiving end of silence is no fun. In fact, it’s painful. Some clients have told me how they develop physical symptoms and/or acute depression after a few days of no communication with the person they love.
When I encounter this situation in my counseling office I usually ask the silent person a few thought-provoking questions. These are:
- What benefits are you receiving from this situation?
- What will make you decide to end the silence?
- What effect do you think this is having on your spouse?
I think the first question is the most important one. It usually takes some time for the person to figure out the answer, but when they do, they usually realize that are making a big mistake.
- Contrail Over San Francisco Bay
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
When I meet with couples whose marriages are in crisis, I see people in severe emotional pain. Why is it so painful when your relationship is troubled? What is it that keeps us awake at night?
According to psychological “Attachment Theory” we are all born with a need for emotional closeness and connectedness with others. As children this need is satisfied by our parents, but as adults we need love and responsiveness from another adult.
Back to the couple whose marriage is troubled: the secure attachment with another adult is damaged and may even be close to ending. We’re not getting the love that we need from another adult. That is painful enough. The thought that the relationship might end can be scary.
By the way, the need for secure attachment explains a lot of the anger that occurs in a couple’s relationship. When we perceive a threat to our happy relationship, we protest. Unfortunately, the protest often takes the form of anger and harsh words (which damages things even more) rather than a a clear statement expressing a heartfelt need (which should result in more intimacy). That’s why good communication skills are so important.
- Kitten
As any communication-oriented marriage counselor will tell you, it’s always better to make an “I statement” than a “You statement.” What you say should be about yourself and your own feelings (and hence it can easily begin with the word “I”) as opposed to a blaming or criticizing statement about someone else (and such a statement which probably would begin with the word “you.”)
I thought it would be fun to dream up some You statements and turn them into the likely I statement that should be made instead.
You statement: “You are always angry.” I statement: “when you act that way I worry that you are angry at me.”
You statement: “You don’t pay attention to me.” I statement: “I’m worried that you aren’t as interested in me as you used to be.”
You statement: “You don’t say you love me anymore.” (I think that’s a song lyric!) I statement: “I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore” or perhaps “I feel unloveable.”
You statement: “You’re mean to my friends.” I statement: “I wish that my friends could see what a great person you are.”
And one more. You statement: “You are a selfish narcissist.” I statement: “I worried that my desires aren’t important to you any longer.”
Think about how you react if your spouse made some of these You statements to you. Then think how you would react to the corresponding I statements. Hopefully your reaction to the I statements would not be defensive or attacking but would be another caring I statement.
- Fruit Stand, Canterbury, England
Dan Wile has some great thoughts about communication in marriage. He says that at any moment intimacy is just one or two sentences away. The problem is figuring out what the sentences are!
Let’s look at some possibilities.
- You could attack or defend. For example, “Why didn’t you call me today? You said you would.” This turns your partner into the adversary. No intimacy is achieved.
- You could avoid. For example, ”How was work?” You hide your disappointment about not getting the phone call. No intimacy is achieved here either.
- You could confide your feelings. “This is kind of embarassing to admit, but all day long I was looking forward to you calling me. I really missed talking to you.” Intimacy now results because you’ve turned your partner into an ally instead of an adversary.
The great thing about confiding feelings is that frequently triggers the other person to do the same thing. In other words, intimacy is self-reinforcing.
In marriage therapy we work on making these kind of statements all the time.
- Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland
I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me. Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with? Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?
In the first session I ask about the conflict level. Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue. “Never argue? So you agree about everything?” I ask. Well…no. They don’t agree about everything. No two people agree about everything. What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.
If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them. Thus, the couple never argues! Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.
How to help the couple that never argues? Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist. And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.
John Gottman has a theory about Positive Sentiment Override vs. Negative Sentiment Override in a couple’s communication. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. Consider a perfectly neutral statement such as, “we’re almost out of milk.” One possible response to this is, “OK, I should be able to pick up some more tomorrow.” This is positive. Another possible response would be something like, “so I’m a failure at grocery shopping? Why are you always criticizing me?” This is, of course, negative. This negative reponse is defensive and seems to indicate a chip on the shoulder.
How to change Sentiment Override from Negative to Positive? Work on reducing criticism and increasing appreciation.
Sometimes the best solution to a disagreement between partners is to agree on a compromise. Each person gives a little on their position and the couple “meets in the middle.”
How easily can you and your spouse discuss a difficult problem and reach a solution that is acceptable to both of you? The ability to reach a compromise is good tool to have in your marriage toolbox.
Here are some pointers on compromising:
- Figure out what aspects of the problem the two of you agree on. Where is there agreement? Begin by focusing on that.
- Tell each other what your goals are in this situation. Each person should clearly understand the other person’s goals.
- Now the part that you don’t agree about. Once again, be sure you understand what the other person’s position is, and why it so important to them.
- Figure out where there is some flexibility in both positions.
- Take turns making suggested compromises with some give-and-take until an agreement is reached.
We typically think of couples where the woman talks a lot more than the man. She can talk about how she feels and communicate what she wants, but the man can’t or won’t do so nearly as much.
But in some couples that I have worked with, neither partner communicates very much. Both hesititate to tell the other how they feel, what they think, or what they want.
I think this is a recipe for trouble. My typical comment in a situation like this is, “Wow. There must be a lot of things going unsaid.” When hurt feelings are bottled up, feelings of resentment rise and a blow-up is usually just around the corner. Multiply this by two when both partners are keeping their feelings to themselves.
What’s the solution? Create an environment where it’s safe to say how you feel because you are confident that you will get an understanding response.
Here is a little quiz about how well you and your spouse (or partner) resolve your conflicts. There is no scoring, but hopefully you will find it thought-provoking.
By the way: time spent with a skill marriage counselor can greatly improve your conflict resolution ability!
- Do you sometimes not say things during arguments because you don’t want to hurt my spouse’s feelings? Or can you comfortably (and respectfully) state your position?
- Do arguments over little things turn into big arguments? Or are they resolved quickly?
- Do the two of you have different opinions about the best way to handle your disagreements? Or do you have a reliable method to reach resolution?
- Do you usually end up feeling guilty after an argument?
- Do you do too much to avoid arguments? Or are arguments something that you don’t need to fear?
- Do you tend to give in too soon in order to end an argument with your spouse? Or are you able to proceed comfortably?
- Does your spouse not take your side seriously? Or does he/she respect your opinion?
- Can you not tell your spouse your feelings because of his/her possible reaction?
- Does your spouse not understand your point of view during disagreements? Hopefully he/she takes the time to see things from your point of view.
- Do some of your disagreements never get resolved? This can lead to ongoing contempt and resentment.
As I’ve written about before, probably more than half of the couples I meet with tell me that they have communication problems. Following are some questions that I ask to try to clarify exactly what the problem is. Ask yourself these questions!
- Can you tell your partner about things that are bothering you? Or do you keep those things to yourself because you don’t want to upset your partner? People who don’t talk about hurts can build up resentment.
- Do you feel “heard” by your partner? Does he/she respect your opinion and consider your point of view?
- Can you ask for partner for things that you want? Or are you afraid of being turned down or punished in some way?
- When you are partner disagree about something, do one (or both) of you refuse to talk about it? In other words, does one of you “withdraw” as a defense against possible conflict?
- Do you wish your partner were more willing to talk to you? Are you lonely and wanting deeper conversations?
- Does your partner always know how you feel? He/she will only know if you are feel free to talk about your feelings! (See #1)
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