A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Defense Mechanisms’ Category
Using the defense mechanism of withdrawal means to escape from reality by withdrawing from it. Of course, reality in this case would be something that provokes anxiety, such as an uncomfortable situation. Think of a husband who works long hours, not because he must do so for the sake of his job, but because he’d rather not have to communicate with his wife. Another example might be aExa couple who watches TV all evening rather than doing something meaningful together to build their relationship.
The withdrawing person uses his or her own fantasies as a substitute for experiencing the real world. The fantasy is much easier to deal with and does not cause anxiety.
People who depend on withdrawal do not often express their feelings. Of course, this very often frustrates their spouses, who are lonely and looking for an emotional connection.
One final point: another way to withdraw from reality is to drink. After the third glass of wine, the mind is dulled enough that the world is easy to deal with.
I want to spend my next few posts writing about how defensive mechanisms manifest themselves in marriages. Remember that defense mechanisms are adaptations we make to avoid anxiety and to maintain self-esteem. Sigmund Freud was the first to observe and describe defensive processes, but much has changed since Freud’s time.
Many people believe (as did Freud) that defensive processes are always maladaptive and should be weakened or broken down with therapy. For example, a wife may call her husband “defensive” as if it’s a problem and something he should try to change. (He was probably defensive because she was criticizing him. But I digress.)
Modern psychological thought has come to view some defense mechanisms as positive and important to the maintenance of good self-esteem. In fact, severe mental illness (such as psychosis) is sometimes understood as resulting from insufficient defenses.
We all have our own preferred defenses that are vital to coping with the anxieties of life. How do we come to prefer some defense mechanisms over others? Trial and error, the stresses we dealt with as children, and the defensive mechanisms that our parents modeled for us can all inform our choice of defenses.
In my next post I’ll look at the defense mechanism of withdrawal.
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