A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Domestic Violence’ Category
One more post about domestic violence. It’s a good one, though.
When we think about men who are violent towards women, we naturally think of the man as of being in a position of power over the woman. Typically, he is physically stronger, and he is using his strength to hurt her and to intimidate her.
Yet ironically, even though we think of the abusive male as being powerful, he is being abusive because he feels inadequate. He feels bad about himself for some reason, and he defends and compensates against this feeling by exerting his physical strength against a weaker victim.
What are some things that the violent man might feel inadequate about? Here are a few:
- he has just lost his job, or had some other major setback in his life.
- he doesn’t like his job or is doing poorly at his job.
- his wife/girlfriend is more successful than he is; perhaps she makes more money or just received a promotion.
- his wife/girlfriend has a better education than he does.
- his wife/girlfriend has left him (possibly due to previous violence).
All men feel inadequate at times. The issue is how well the feelings are dealt with. Obviously, a man with a strong ego and decent self-esteem is able to handle situations like these in healthier ways.
It is hard for many people to fathom why an abused woman would stay in her relationship. We might ask, “how can I help her to see that she needs to get out?” But let’s not judge someone until we’ve “walked a mile in her moccasins!” (Or let’s Trade Places like we talked about here a few weeks ago!)
Consider things from her perspective:
- She may feel financially dependent on her husband/boyfriend and believe that she could not support herself and her children if she were on her own.
- She may be afraid of:
- Greater physical danger to herself and/or her children if she tries to leave.
- Being stalked and beaten worse than before.
- Emotional damage to her children.
- Losing custody of her children.
- The unknown. (”Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”)
- Making formidable life changes.
- She may still love him. It sounds crazy, but emotional dependence is powerful. She may still see the “good” in him and think that he won’t hurt her again. In fact, during the “good” times, when he is not abusing her, he may seem like a great husband.
- She may have strong religious convictions and believe that divorce is wrong.
Again, it’s best not to judge someone until we put ourselves in her shoes. And let’s be careful not to blame the victim. After all, it’s not her fault that she’s in a violent relationship.
You might think that in California, in the 21st century, we would be smart enough, educated enough, and advanced enough that domestic violence would be a thing of the past.
You would be wrong.
I saw many victims of domestic violence during the year that I was an intern at Tri-Valley Haven for Women, a domestic violence shelter in Livermore. “The Haven,” as it is called by those who work there, is a valuable resource to the community because it houses, counsels, educates, and assists women who have been beaten by their husbands or boyfriends.
Now that I’m in private practice as a marriage counselor, I still occasionally encounter domestic violence in the couples that I work with. When that happens, I tell the man that he has to make a commitment to non-violence as long as the couple is in counseling with me. If the violence continues, I won’t see the couple together but may work with them individually.
By the way, some people wonder why so many women stay with men who beat them. That’s a great question, and I will answer it in my next post.
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