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Archive for the ‘Imago Relationship Therapy’ Category


Apr 13

Imago Relationship Therapy III

By Jay Slupesky
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Imago Relationship Therapy

Another key concept of Imago Relationship Therapy is to develop a conscious marriage instead of an unconscious marriage where so much remains unidentified and may feel out of control or “beyond you.” In Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix defines a conscious marriage as, “a marriage…created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole (p. 90).”

Again, this is a goal of Imago Therapy. Some of the key aspects of a conscious spouse (in both behavior and attitude) are listed below. I will mention five key indicators in this post and continue with the other five next week. (Again, these are taken from Hendrix’s book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.)

  1. You realize your love relationship has a hidden purpose: the healing of childhood wounds. Underneath surface needs and desires lie much deeper unresolved childhood issues. Recurring arguments or confusing aspects of your relationship may make more sense to you as you begin to discover their meaning, and a greater sense of understanding and control is gained.
  2. You create a more accurate image of your partner. Instead of fusing your partner with your primary caretakers (their deficiencies and the resulting needs that arose out of those deficiencies), you begin to see him or her more clearly. You “get” that he or she has a unique reality—not as your savior—but as someone who is also wounded and wanting to be healed.
  3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. You abandon the childhood notion that those who love you most should be able to discern or intuit your needs or “read your mind.” In a conscious marriage you accept that, in order for your needs and wants to be known and understood, you have to communicate them. You accept that it is not your partner’s job to automatically know them and respond to them without your clear and honest communication.
  4. You become more intentional in your interactions. Instead of reacting without thinking, you train yourself to speak and behave in a more constructive and aware manner.
  5. You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. In an unconscious marriage, you assume that your partner exists in life to meet your needs and wants. As a conscious spouse, you let go of this narcissistic perspective (which is appropriate at a certain developmental stage as a child) and focus your energy and efforts on how to meet your partner’s needs and wants.

Again, none of these differences occur overnight or without concerted time, energy, effort and a commitment to grow and change. The transition from an unconscious to a conscious marriage is not easy and often uncomfortable and painful. Yet the rewards are great—including a more loving, supportive and intimate relationship.



Mar 30

Imago Relationship Therapy I

By Jay Slupesky
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Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago Relationship Therapy is a branch of couples counseling based on the work of Harville Hendrix. The goal of Imago Therapy is for a couple to develop an aware, intimate, and committed relationship. In my work with couples, I utilize Imago Therapy and have found it to be extremely effective. I plan to devote a few posts to explain more about this type of marriage therapy and how it works.

One basic premise of Imago Therapy is that each of us become wounded during the early years of life, as a result of mistakes by our primary caregivers. We have a composite of all of the positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers stored in our unconscious mind, and this is called the Imago. When looking for our spouse, we search (without even necessarily realizing it!) for someone who matches this composite or Imago. We do this because, ultimately, we are searching for someone who will help us heal, address, or confront the “unfinished business” from childhood, and grow into more whole people.

While the first stage of romantic love brings a couple together, there is an inevitable power struggle that ensues as soon as a commitment is made. This power struggle (while uncomfortable, frustrating, angering, and often the reason why couples want outside support and help) is necessary and extremely important because it provides the information required for each partner’s lasting healing and growth.

Navigating this power struggle is another thing! It is a critical yet often daunting task. Thus, the core practice of Imago Relationship Therapy is an approachable three-part, structured process called the Imago Dialogue. In an upcoming post, I will describe and define the three parts of the Imago Dialogue, explain why each part is important, and describe how utilizing this dialogue can help each person be a better, more connected spouse.