A Marriage Therapist's Blog
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Archive for the ‘Marriage Dynamics’ Category
Marriage remains a mystery. What makes it work for the long-term? What makes some marriages passionate? What keeps couples in love—even madly in love—decades after they exchanged their vows? What is the fundamental difference between couples who experience marital happiness and those who do not?
In the recent New York Times article “What Brain Scans Can Tell Us About Marriage,” Tara Parker-Pope reveals how questions such as these fascinate and drive academic researchers, such as a post-doctoral researcher at UCSB, Bianca Acevedo. Dr. Acevedo and others are intrigued by these questions and the “inner workings” of long-term happy marriages. Utilizing a plethora of lab tests (including brain scans and relationship tests), researchers tried to more accurately and tangibly identify what is behind these lasting, loving, and happy marriages.
In one study, Dr. Acevedo, who specifically studies the neuroscience of relationships, conducted a phone survey of 274 men and women in long-term, committed relationships and who considered themselves still madly in love. She collected data related to marital happiness and passionate love and expected to find only a small percentage of couples still deeply in love. Dr. Acevedo was extremely surprised to find nearly 40 percent registering high on the romance scale! Couples in the other 60 percent also had high levels of relationship satisfaction and considered themselves still very much in love—just not as acutely as the first group.
In another study, 17 men and women (married an average of 21 years) agreed to undergo a brain scan so that researchers could try to identify how long-term, romantic relationships affect the brain. When shown a picture of their spouse (as opposed to a friend), parts of the brain related to romantic love were activated—similar to a couple falling in love. What was especially interesting is that in these older couples with longer-term marriages, something additional was identified in the brain scan. For these couples who had weathered life and shared significant experiences together, a unique part of the brain associated with deep attachment and security was activated as well! So, in addition to the euphoric feelings related to romantic love, these couples also experienced feelings of security and calm in the relationship.
So you ask: What did these couples have in common to keep the romance alive all those years? While there is still uncertainty and debate surrounding what specifically fosters and preserves marital happiness, romance, and longevity, these couples did in fact share certain things in common. Researchers discovered the following facts about these couples:
- They remained active and engaged in one another’s lives.
- They were committed to working on and growing the marriage. (They recognized and understood that marriage is work and doesn’t just “go” on its own!)
- They were intentional about doing new and different activities together
As a marriage therapist, what I get out of this article is simple: There are tangible ways to work toward a more satisfying and engaged marriage—one in which you still feel in love! Despite what you may think (and the growing pessimism of the surrounding times and culture), you can be madly in love with your spouse…even decades into your marriage. It can happen. It does exist. And (wink, wink) there are some benefits that you can only enjoy decades into your marriage. Pretty cool stuff.
Last week, I introduced a book by Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage. The author hopes to help men and women learn new rules to help them succeed in their twenty-first-century marriage (probably more challenging now than ever before!). He offers various principles, practical tools, and effective strategies to help create intimacy, honesty, passion, and joy.
Real identifies four principles or “operating instructions” for twenty-first century couples:
- Relationship Empowerment: This principle focuses on putting your full self and full strength into the relationship. This approach is intentionally different from other options like acquiescing or, alternatively, focusing only on yourself and your needs. Relationship empowerment means valuing and empowering your spouse as well, thus helping the two of you to succeed.
- Full-Respect Living: Commitment to this principle means that you respect yourself and others (i.e., your spouse) no matter what. Regardless of what comes up, you choose respect. You do not tolerate or perpetuate anything else.
- Relationship Practice: Similar to Hendrix’s “conscious marriage” this principle calls for the cultivation of a “second consciousness” by continuing to bring the more regressed, ineffective, childish parts of yourself into adulthood. Despite strong (and sometimes seemingly overwhelming) pulls to live into old habits, roles, patterns and behaviors, relationship practice means that you choose (with all of your will!) to continue on a new, more conscious, healthy and rewarding path.
- Second Consciousness: This principle is about growing or strengthening the above-mentioned part of yourself that is more emotionally and relationally mature, rational, and constructive. This requires a commitment to growth, acquiring additional skills and tools, and empowering yourself to override old knee-jerk responses and reactions (the former consciousness).
With these principles as a foundation, next week I will talk about ten of twenty helpful practices that Real offers couples to strengthen and grow their marriage.
Most people know about and understand the benefits of cardiovascular health and physical fitness. So they go to the gym or go walking or running, and they pay attention to how much they eat and drink. On second thought, not everyone works out and eats right - but they know that they should.
But why isn’t the same (or more) energy and effort spent on keeping marriages strong and toned and in shape? Why is it that people typically pay more attention to their body than they do to their emotional health and relationships?
In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terrence Real applies this concept to a marriage. It doesn’t just take care of itself. You don’t just have a fulfilling, mutually satisfying marriage without work. A successful marriage requires time, energy, and effort. The title of Real’s book also reminds us that we live in a time of exponentially greater change with new roles, expectations and desires. And many people are still trying to make 21st Century relationships work with a 20th Century (outdated) model with all of its antiquated perspectives, roles and rules. So that’s not working in our favor either. And when desires and needs aren’t matched with effective skills, tools and training, it’s a recipe for an atrophied relationship!
The New Rules of Marriage offers just that: New rules. Similar to Harville Hendrix’s work, Terrence Real has extremely helpful insight into helping marriages grow and succeed. So for the next few weeks, I will post about the principles, practices, as well as losing and winning strategies Real offers couples to get, give and “sustain and enjoy the closeness that healthy getting and giving brings.”
In previous posts, I’ve talked about a conscious marriage—what it means and what are its key characteristics. In Imago Relationship Therapy, there are various exercises that may be used in couples counseling (as taken from Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix) that help couples work toward a more conscious (meaning aware, honest, and insightful) marriage.
In this post, I will share one of these excersises called Your Relationship Vision. This exercise can be useful for any couple wanting to further define their relational goals and see the potential in their relationship. In the midst of differences, disagreements, and gripes, it can be refreshing to focus on a more hopeful future and the positive qualities you desire in the relationship!
Here are the steps:
- Separately, write down short sentences that describe your personal vision for a deeply fulfilling relationship. These sentences can include qualities that are already present as well as those that you desire. Write these sentences in the present tense (as if you are already doing these things). For instance, “We laugh a lot” or “We support each other publicly” or “We are involved and loving parents.” Also, make sure that the statements are all stated in the positive. For example, instead of writing, “We don’t yell at each other” state, “We work out our disagreements respectfully.”
- Next, share these sentences with each other. Underline any sentences that are the same (or express the same idea). Add any sentences to your list that your partner came up with that you agree with and want to add to your personal vision. Don’t do anything with the sentences that are not similar.
- Looking at your list, rank each sentences with a number between 1 and 5 with “1” being the most important to you and “5” being not so important.
- On your list, circle the two sentences that are most important to you and your relationship vision.
- On your list, put a check next to the items that you believe would be the most challenging for you and your partner to achieve.
- Now, working together, make a new list—a mutual relationship vision—from your individual lists. Start with the sentences that you both agree are most important. Then, put a check next to the sentences that you both agree would be most difficult to achieve. Write the sentences with the less important qualities in an agreed upon order. If there are sentences that cause disagreement, try to compromise on sentences that you both agree on. If this is not possible, leave the sentence off of the list.
- Put this list where you both can see it daily. Once a week, read it to each other to be reminded about your shared goal and vision for your relationship.
Think back to your childhood. Do you remember a time when you got in trouble or were punished for something you didn’t intend to do? Take a moment now to put yourself back in that situation and recall how you felt as your parent (or caregiver) reacted without even trying to understand what actually happened. Did you feel angry? Misunderstood? Hurt? Unnecessarily criticized? Unfairly treated? Disrespected?
Most likely, you can identify with this. You might have even have sworn that you would never do this to someone else. The unfortunate reality is that many of us end up doing this to our partner or spouse! Sadly, a sudden and often intense reaction (that can end up feeling like a punishment to the other person) often precedes a full understanding of the situation.
Here’s a “for instance”. A friend of mine described an outing she had with her husband. They went on a bike ride, sharing quality time and enjoying the sunny weather. Everything was going well until her husband accidentally cut her off on the bike path, resulting in her losing her balance and falling. She verbally lashed out at him. Yes, of course, she was hurt, but did her husband did not intend for that to happen.
So what went wrong? My friend assumed that her husband cut her off intentionally. Instead of assuming the best about him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the worst. She didn’t gain any information or try to understand whether or not he meant to cut her off. You might be thinking, “Well, she still fell and got hurt, whether he meant to cut her off or not.” Yes. But that doesn’t justify her yelling at her husband about it.
The effect of not giving your partner or spouse the benefit of the doubt has its consequences. In the above example, the husband felt extraordinarily hurt and angry due to feeling completely misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and disrespected.
Bottom line: While it might be difficult at times, practice assuming the best about your partner or spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt in all situations—even when you are adversely affected—until you have information or understanding to prove otherwise. When your partner or spouse does something that makes you feel like lashing out or criticizing, take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that giving him or her the benefit of the doubt is a way to diffuse tension, misunderstandings, and potential retaliations. And it’s also a powerful act of love and respect. And I guarantee that in the end, you’ll feel better about yourself too.
- New York City, Seen From the Hudson River
- Photo © 2008 Jay Slupesky
Some young people in unhappy marriages think that having a child is a good way to improve the happiness and satisfaction of their relationship. I get a little uneasy when I hear this because I know it’s not always true. I know that sometimes having a baby adds enough stress to a marriage that divorce is the eventual result. The child that was hoped to bring happiness winds up being a child of divorced parents.
Studies show that marital satisfaction levels can drop when a couple becomes parents for the first time. This is more likely if the couple didn’t plan to get pregnant or weren’t in full agreement about getting pregnant, and if the couple didn’t talk in advance and plan about life with a newborn.
On the other hand, if the pregnancy was planned and the parents were both enthusiastic about parenthood, the couple can maintain their satisfaction, or maybe even increase it, after their baby is born.
- Sails
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
It’s been almost nine months since my Turn Off the Television! post, and I’d like now to follow up with another plea, to wit: Turn Off the Video Game!
I work with couples as young as their early 20s, and I work with couples as mature as their 60s. In my work I’ve noticed that some men up to about age 35 or so spend a lot of time playing video games.
I am curious about that age 35 cutoff because I can think of two possible explanations. The first possibility is that once they reach their late 30s, men begin to lose interest in video games. The second possibility, and the scarier one, is that men don’t really lose interest in video games, but that the guys who are about 35 now were the first group of pre-teens to be around when video games became really popular: they were around the impressionable age of 10 in 1983. If memory serves, that’s when the Atari video consoles were just beginning to catch on.
Regardless of which explanation is correct, I do know this: some men spend so much time playing video games that their marriages suffer as as result. To make things even worse, now that people play games against one another over the internet, it’s more common for people to become online friends with another player of the opposite sex (yes, there are some women out there playing too) and to have the relationship turn into an emotional affair.
- Statue of Liberty, 10/2/08
My vacation is over and I’m back at work. Just in time to see our economy crumble!
The turmoil in the economy has been dominating the news recently. It even seems to have overshadowed the presidential campaign, which is significant given that there are less than four weeks left before the election.
So every day we read about the stock market losing another few percent, about banks collapsing, and about the government making unprecendented efforts to restore stability. What we don’t seem to hear too much about is how these events are affecting real people like you and me.
I’m guessing that many people must be suffering a great deal of distress over what is happening. I’m imagining a family where in the past few weeks the value of their retirement nest egg has lost about 25% of its value, their jobs are in jeopardy because their employers are close to bankruptcy, and their house is worth less than what they owe on it.
What do these stressors do to a marriage? As I’ve written before, problems like this that are external to the relationship itself can either bring a couple closer together or drive them apart.
How can it bring a couple closer? Easy. They decide that they are going to get through this hard time together together, no matter what. The agree that they are going to support one another, and that no matter what happens, they still have each other. Give that a try.
- Marine Drill Instructor Addresses His Recruits
Some fascinating new research is out on the topic of personality differences between men and women.
As just about everyone knows, men tend to be more reckless, assertive, competitive and unemotional, while women are more emotional, nuturing, cautious, and coopertive. Some people think these differences are innate, while others think they are the result of the way children are raised in our society.
The really interesting and surprising result of the research is that the personality differences between men and women are actually increasing. You would think that as women move closer to equality with men, have their own careers, etc., the differences would tend to diminish. One theory that has been put forward to explain this phenomenon is that in modern societies, as external barriers between the sexes diminish, some long-dormant internal differences are reviving.
Finally, it appears that most of the increasing differences in personality are due to changes in men. In other words, men are becoming more competitive, assertive, etc. in our society! This doesn’t sound like a good thing.
- The Altamont Commuter Express
True or False: The longer a couple is married, the more boring and passionless the marriage becomes.
False. According to researcher Richard Levenson, who for the last 20 years has been conducting a study on long-term marriages. “Marriages continue to be really just as emotional, in terms of the overall amount of emotions, in middle and late life as they do early in life,” according to Levenson.
The research data show that for some couples there is a dip in marital satisfaction during the middle years, when children are in school and careers are being built. But then, after the children leave home and as retirement approaches, those couples who stay together rediscover the love they had in the early years of their marriage.
What does the research show to be the keys to long-term marriage success? There are two: (1) communication and (2) emotional maturity.
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