A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Marriage Dynamics’ Category
You might think that in California, in the 21st century, we would be smart enough, educated enough, and advanced enough that domestic violence would be a thing of the past.
You would be wrong.
I saw many victims of domestic violence during the year that I was an intern at Tri-Valley Haven for Women, a domestic violence shelter in Livermore. “The Haven,” as it is called by those who work there, is a valuable resource to the community because it houses, counsels, educates, and assists women who have been beaten by their husbands or boyfriends.
Now that I’m in private practice as a marriage counselor, I still occasionally encounter domestic violence in the couples that I work with. When that happens, I tell the man that he has to make a commitment to non-violence as long as the couple is in counseling with me. If the violence continues, I won’t see the couple together but may work with them individually.
By the way, some people wonder why so many women stay with men who beat them. That’s a great question, and I will answer it in my next post.
Some couples who come in for counseling have severe “trust issues.” I see this most often in younger couples who are not married. The couple may not have been together for very long, and most likely were in previous relationships where one or both had experienced a cheating partner.
In the most severe cases, a person may be obsessing over whether or not their partner is cheating, even if there is no evidence or reason to suspect. A nightly checking of the partner’s cell phone to scroll through the text messages, or looking for multiple calls to an unrecognized phone number, or breaking into the partner’s email account to look for any incriminating emails are all things some partners do to convince themselves that no cheating is going on.
There are a couple of questions to address here:
- What can be done when a person is obsessing over his/her partner’s trustworthiness? In this case, traditional treatments for obsessions, such as the “thought stopping” technique, can be valuable. Three simple methods to use are:
- Thought Replacement: when an unwanted thought enters your mind, immediately replace it with a healthy, rational thought. You can only think about one thing at at time, so crowd out the “bad” thought.
- Thought Stopping: when you catch yourself with the unwanted thought, immediately shout Stop! either aloud or only in the mind. Continue to shout Stop! until the unwanted thought ceases.
- Thought Disputing: Challenge the unwanted thoughts that come into your mind, asking: “Is this a rational thought? If not, what is irrational about it? What do I need to do to change this idea?”
- How can I really learn to trust the person I love? (I am assuming, of course, that the person really does deserve your trust, in other words, that they are not cheating.) Trust can be defined as “a measure of belief in the honesty, benevolence and competence of the other party.” How can you expect to spend the rest of your life with someone you will always suspect? Some believe that when you enter into a new relationship, you are starting all over again and can leave the baggage from a previous relationships behind. While that may be possible, it doesn’t always happen. The fact is that when you move onto a new relationship, hurts from the past are still present. Give yourself and your relationship time to build trust. If we have spent enough time with our partner to develop strong feelings for them, trust should be part of that. Do some research on the topic of trust: what does it really mean and how can each of us reach the goal of trusting together?
Trust is a vitally important part of any relationship. If you feel the need to do any of the checking mentioned above, how about trying some of these ways to start trusting your partner?
There is an interesting article in The New York Times today about a couple who took vows never to be apart, night or day. They always stay within 15 feet of each other. I thought about this and decided it would be impractical for just about everyone in our society. Jobs, if nothing else, would make it impossible for most people. The couple described in the article don’t have traditional jobs (they write books and live an ascetic lifestyle in a desert tent) so that’s not a problem for them.
In addition to staying next to one another, they also eat the same food from the same plate and read books together, not turning the page until both are ready.
Even though it’s probably impossible for most couples, part of me thinks it’s a really cool idea. The level of devotion and couplehood is very impressive. It certainly is in contrast to a lot of couples I meet in marriage counseling who don’t spend much time with each other at all.
Recently I’ve been counseling a larger-than-usual number of couples who have issues with lying in their relationship. Yes, that’s right: husbands and wives who lie to one another! I think most people would agree that lying is a sign of dysfunction in the relationship. If you can’t be honest with your life partner, something is very wrong,
Psychologists who study dishonesty say that a person who is lying is undergoing strain just by being dishonest. This stress can usually be measured by skin and heart sensors, as in a lie detector. Besides the stress of telling the lie, it can be mentally tough to continue the deception, as sometimes more lies must be told to cover up the fact of the original lie.
So why do spouses lie to one another? I’ve noticed three reasons:
- To avoid an argument. The dishonest individual is afraid to tell the truth because it is not what the other person wants to hear, and therefore, being honest could result in conflict. What is the solution to this? Learn how to communicate so that you can talk about things you disagree about without arguing. This includes being respectful of your partner’s position even if you disagree with it.
- To defend against low self-esteem. In this case, the dishonest person doesn’t like himself/herself too well, and believes the partner feels the same way (Freud called this defense mechanism projection.) This is hard to accept, of course, so the lying person inflates accomplishments and denies things that would make him/her look bad. The liar wants to convince others that he/she is not so bad after all. What is the solution to this type of lying? Individual work to increase self-esteem.
- To cover up cheating.This is the big one, of course. All kinds of cheating, including physical affairs, emotional affairs, and porn addictions, must be covered up. Solution? Stop cheating on your spouse.
One final thought. When a spouse gets caught lying, he/she sometimes will only confess to as little of the truth as possible, and continue lying about the rest. I see this happen over and over again in marriage counseling, and I have found that it is not a good idea. When the rest of the truth comes out at some point in the future, the damage is just as great as when the original disclosure occurred. It’s best to come clean and admit everything.
Marriage is hard work. We all know that. As a marriage therapist, I see it every day. Two people, with their different personalities and different needs, are not going to be in a state a state of bliss 100% of the time. Far from it.
So sometimes it seems easier to blow it off and get divorced. No more conflict! No more obligations! Freedom!
But hang on a second. There is more to this than meets the eye. Here are some interesting statistics, courtesy of some recent scientific studies on the subject:
- People who never married don’t live as long as married folks. (Well, think about it. You have to take care of yourself if you’re married; your spouse should insist on it. No more deep-fried Oreos, for example.)
- Single people are more likely to drink and smoke heavily than married people.
- Married people have lower rates of of mental problems and suicide.
- Married folks have lower rates of cardiovascular disease and cancer.
- Married folks have less stress, or least they handle it a lot better.
- There is one piece of bad news: married men are more likely to be overweight than single men.
Is this enough to convince you that marriage is a good thing?
I was conversing with some fellow marriage therapists about the difficulties faced by adults who were sexually abused when they were children. One therapist reminded us of a great scene from the movie Forrest Gump. Remember Forrest’s girlfriend Jenny, whom he met on the first day of school? Her father abused her when she was a young girl. When Jenny and Forrest go back to her home town and come upon the run-down shack where Jenny suffered at the hands of her father, she flies into a rage and begins hurling stones at the shack. She keeps this up until there are no more stones to be found. Then Forrest utters the very eloquent line, “Sometimes there just ain’t enough stones.”
That’s a great commentary on the anger that continues into the adulthood of those who survived childhood abuse.
In marriage therapy the issues of childhood abuse sometimes surface. The survivor may have chosen to be in, or to remain in, a destructive relationship. She may have a hard time maintaining appropriate boundaries and have difficulty resolving conflicts. A good marriage therapist needs to inquire about the childhood of his or her clients and deal appropriately with those who suffered abuse as children.
Some marriages of couples in their 40s or 50s are in trouble, and the couple is in marriage therapy, because the husband is having a “mid-life crisis.” But what does that term mean, exactly? It’s usually thought of as the man realizing that he is in the second half of his life, that he is not going to live forever after all, and that he’s not going to be rich and famous like he always dreamt he would be. Supposedly the guy wakes up one day and asks himself, “Is that all there is?” And then he goes out and has an affair with his 25 year-old secretary in an attempt to make himself feel young again.
But does the midlife crisis really exist? Richard Friedman, a psychiatrist who writes a column in The New York Times, wonders if it might just be a handy excuse for the impulsive behaviors of a middle-aged narcissist. Friedman writes,
…you have to admit that “I’m having a midlife crisis” sounds a lot better than “I’m a narcissistic jerk having a meltdown.”
As a marriage therapist who sees men in self-declared midlife crises, I’m a bit skeptical about the ”crisis” being an actual emotional condition. I fear that it tends be used as an excuse for behavior that should be inexcusable.
When I’m talking to couples in marital therapy, there are a few things that I’m always listening for. One thing that gets my attention is all or nothing thinking, which I prefer to call black or white thinking. A person who thinks in terms of black and white can’t see all the subtle shades of grey that lie in between those two extremes. What this means is that things that happen to this person tend to be perceived as either great or terrible; they can’t be somewhere in between.
Here’s a simple (fictional) example: if a husband forgets to pick up his wife’s dress at the dry cleaner, and that’s the dress she was going to wear to the party tonight, and the dry cleaner is now closed until Monday…well, that’s going to be a big disappointment. If wife interprets this as he must not love me, I will point out the flaw in her thinking. Maybe (hopefully) the guy loves her to bits - but is just forgetful.
Black or white thinking can ruin relationships. In my example above, when the husband hears his wife say that he obviously doesn’t love her anymore, he is likely to get upset and defensive, and a nasty argument could ensue. (And by the way, neither of them is going to enjoy the party!) If conflicts like this happen on a regular basis, the result could be the beginning of emotional disengagement. To continue my example, at some point the husband is going to begin to withdraw from his wife just to protect himself.
So remember…in between black and white there are many shades of grey!
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