A Marriage Therapist's Blog
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Archive for the ‘Marriage Therapist's Tips’ Category
Many couples who have been married for some years know that it’s important to have a regular Date Night. This is a time when you get away from the kids and the television and do something romantic, like seeing a movie and a going to a candlelight dinner. Some couples who make the quality of their relationship a high priority will have a Date Night on a regular basis - such as every Saturday night.
Well, believe it or not, scientists have been studying the Date Night phenomenon with experiments, laboratory studies, and (I kid you not) brain-scan data! And they have found out something very important: you need variety and new experiences in your Date Nights. You don’t want to be going to the same restaurant over and over again. You need to try new things such as a new restaurant, maybe a new hobby that interests the two of you, or going the amusement park.
The experiments have shown that new experiences will activate the brain’s “reward” system of dopamine and norepinephrine in the same manner as in the early phases of a love affair. You are actually altering your brain chemistry in a way that allows you to feel a more romantic love.
So if your relationship is feeling routine - if the butterflies have flown the coop - try doing some new things together on a regular basis!
Many couples tell me that their marriage would be better if they didn’t have so many disagreements. In fact…is there any couple that would like more disagreements in their marriage? No, we want less conflict. Fewer arguments, in other words. How can you do that? Well, one really good way to begin that process is to identify the roles that you and your spouse play when it comes to talking about issues that you disagree about.
Most often what we see is that one spouse plays the role we call the “pursuer” and the other is the “withdrawer.” The pursuer and the withdrawer.
What is a pursuer? Here are some of the things I hear pursuers say: “He ignores me. He’s hardly ever around. He works too much. He never listens to me. I’m not very high on his priority list. He doesn’t listen to me. I feel like we’re just roommates.” Does any of that sound like someone you know?
Now, what does a withdrawer say? Check these out: “She takes little things and blows them way out of proportion. She brings up things that happened 10 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I never get it right. I’m not sure I could ever make her happy. When she gets angry I just shut down and want to get away.”
Have you figured out whether you are a pursuer or a withdrawer? What about your spouse? Typically the woman is the pursuer and the man is the withdrawer.
So once you and your spouse know which roles you play, how do you use that knowledge to improve your marriage?Answer: if you’re a pursuer, you can work on “softening” the things you say, such as changing critical statements into I statements that talk about how you feel. For example, “I feel lonely when you work so late” is much softer than “you work too much.” This kind of phrasing improves communication and makes your spouse less defensive. If you’re a withdrawer, you can resolve to try to stay more engaged in discussions, which becomes easier once the pursuing spouse begins to soften her communication.
Number 3 in the Marriage Therapist’s Tips list is to let your spouse influence you. Let your spouse influence you. I don’t want to be sexist, but in this case I’m talking more to the men out there. Women, in general, have no problem being influenced by their husbands, but some men have a difficult time accepting influence from their wives.
What does it mean to accept influence? Here’s a classic example: the “toilet seat issue.” The typical woman gets irritated when her husband leaves the toilet seat up. How long would it take for the man to put it down? About half a second, right? A man can score major points with his wife just by putting the seat down.
I’d like to point out that this is a case where you can actually “win by losing.” That’s because when a man accepts influence from his wife, his wife is much more likely to “go easy” and not be harsh the next time that couple is discussing a difficult marital topic. And that makes it much more likely that the marriage will thrive.
Marriage Therapist’s Tip# 2 is to build up appreciation and fondness for your spouse. Now, I’m sure that when you and your spouse were dating and for the first few years of your marriage, you had nothing but fondness and admiration for one another. That may be a distant memory for some of you now. In fact, in an unhappy marriage the spouses even feel some contempt for one another. Let me ask you a few questions as a quick check on how you feel about your spouse. Can you name three things that you admire about him/her? When you are apart, do you often think fondly of him/her? When your spouse comes into the room, are you glad to see him/her?
So now you’re asking, what can I do to increase the fondness and admiration in my marriage? It’s easy! Tell your spouse what you admire about him/her, and do it often! If you want to get started on this tonight, think of one thing you appreciate your spouse and then tell them about it. I bet you will get a good response, and it will be more likely that he/she will be more responsive to you.
You can improve your relationship by becoming an expert on your spouse’s life, because happily married couples are intimately familiar with each other’s lives. What do I mean by intimately familiar? I mean you know whether or not he likes pickles on his hamburger. You know why her boss is being a jerk lately. You know who he’s going to vote for next November. You know when her mother’s birthday is and what kind of birthday cake she would like.
Why should know your spouse that well? Because couples who are that into each other are able to survive marital stresses such as the birth of the first child, the death of a parent, or a serious illness.
It’s pretty easy, really, to become an expert on your spouse’s life. In marriage counseling, I recommend that couples spend at least 20 minutes every evening just talking to each other and finding out what happened during the day, finding out what she is excited about, finding out what he is stressed about.
So: do you think you know your partner well? Here’s a pop quiz: do you know who his or her best friends are? If not, make it a point to find out tonight. Your spouse will appreciate your interest.
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