A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Archive for the ‘Unclear on the Concept’ Category
I’ve gotten a lot of good comments from people who enjoy this blog. However, I just found a dissenting opinion on a blog called Full-Grown Single, which, not surprisingly, is oriented toward single people. The author called my blog a “steaming pile of poorly-assembled references to half-read Reader’s Digest articles.” That was so clever that I laughed out loud.
I think people are entitled to their opinions. But for the record, I pride myself in that I haven’t picked up a Reader’s Digest in, oh, twenty years or so. I get my news from The New York Times.
If you want to tell me what you think about my blog, you can click the comment link below. Thanks!
This post had new information appended and was reposted on June 25, 2008.
Remember when you were a kid and you got in trouble for calling someone a name? Did your mother wash your mouth out with soap? Or did your kindergarten teacher make you stand in the corner? Hopefully most of us learned at some point or another during our childhood that it is wrong to call someone else a name - especially to his or her face.
What names do kids call each other now? I shudder to think! When I was a boy, things were pretty tame compared to how they are now. Calling someone a “dumb head” was about as bad as it got.
And of course, as kids we had the classic response: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Wrong! Names can hurt. They can hurt a lot.
There is a nation-wide movement afoot now to address the problem and try to reduce the frequency and intensity of name-calling among school-age children. The program is targeted toward grades 5 through 8, which seems to be when the problem is particularly acute. It is an annual event called No Name-Calling Week.
I am in favor of No Name-Calling Week (who could be opposed to it?) but I would like to take this no name-calling concept to the next level, as they say. I would like to propose the No Name-Calling Marriage. Notice that I did not limit my plan to one week. By not specifying a time limit, I am implying that it has to last for the duration of the marriage.
As a marriage therapist working with 25 to 30 couples at any given time, it’s pretty rare for me to get rattled. Yet -somehow - during a marriage counseling session, when I hear about an instance of name-calling between the two spouses, it rivets my attention and disappoints me. I always stop and explain that name-calling is never a good idea in a loving relationship.
Name-calling within a relationship is usually considered to be verbal abuse. At the very least, it is a form of contempt, which is something I strive to eliminate in a relationship. I ask couples who are counseling with me to commit to no abuse any kind, and this includes verbal abuse.
Do you really want to hurt and/or put down the person you love? I certainly hope not. Don’t call that person a name. And don’t let him or her call you a name either.
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