A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
I want to spend my next few posts writing about how defensive mechanisms manifest themselves in marriages. Remember that defense mechanisms are adaptations we make to avoid anxiety and to maintain self-esteem. Sigmund Freud was the first to observe and describe defensive processes, but much has changed since Freud’s time.
Many people believe (as did Freud) that defensive processes are always maladaptive and should be weakened or broken down with therapy. For example, a wife may call her husband “defensive” as if it’s a problem and something he should try to change. (He was probably defensive because she was criticizing him. But I digress.)
Modern psychological thought has come to view some defense mechanisms as positive and important to the maintenance of good self-esteem. In fact, severe mental illness (such as psychosis) is sometimes understood as resulting from insufficient defenses.
We all have our own preferred defenses that are vital to coping with the anxieties of life. How do we come to prefer some defense mechanisms over others? Trial and error, the stresses we dealt with as children, and the defensive mechanisms that our parents modeled for us can all inform our choice of defenses.
In my next post I’ll look at the defense mechanism of withdrawal.
Tags: defense
This entry was posted on Thursday, August 12th, 2010 at 8:56 am and is filed under Defense Mechanisms.
4 Responses to “Don’t be (too) Defensive!”
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September 27th, 2010 at 9:31 am
Thank you for the article regarding defense mechanisms within relationships. After reading this, I realized that one of my biggest faults is being defensive when my husband asks me something personal. Thanks!
November 1st, 2010 at 12:12 am
Such a well written post.. Thnx for sharing this post!.Keep up the
good works.
January 5th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I know I have an issue with anger and taking things personally when my wife points out things that I’ve done wrong or need to improve upon. Our therapist has done a decent job at helping me improve in that regard.
January 23rd, 2011 at 11:24 pm
Thanks Jay, very useful post. In my work with clients in Denver and Boulder, couples learn about their defenses and ways of being real with themselves, beyond habits that served them well when they were little. Keep up the good work!