Emotional Affairs and How to Handle Them in Marital Therapy

Oct 22

Emotional Affairs and How to Handle Them in Marital Therapy

By Jay Slupesky

The emotional affair is something I’ve been seeing more and more of recently in my marital therapy practice. In fact, the discovery of an emotional affair causes many couples in to begin marriage counseling.

Emotional affairs are more common than sexual affairs. One recent study indicated that 44% of husbands and 57% of wives have had an emotional affair. That’s right: more women than men!

The terminology emotional affair causes confusion among some people. Everyone knows that affairs are bad, and that they involve sex with someone other than the spouse. But what is an emotional affair? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an affair without the sex! Why call it an affair if it doesn’t involve sex? Because it is a romantic relationship with someone else, and because it involves emotional intimacy with the non-spouse.

How can an emotional affair damage a marriage? Let me count the ways:

It seriously injures the secure feeling of attachment that the uninvolved spouse feels.
It creates emotional distance between spouses.
The involved spouse usually shares intimate details (including dissatisfaction) about his/her marriage with the affair partner.
Time spent with the affair partner may mean less time spent with the uninvolved spouse.
It typically increases deception and secrecy as the involved spouse tries to hide the affair from the uninvolved spouse.
Some emotional affairs become full-blown sexual affairs.

When does a friendship cross the line to an emotional affair?

When you are thinking more about your affair partner than about your spouse.
When you get jealous while hearing about your affair partner’s love life.
When you have sexual fantasies about your affair partner, or at least wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch him/her.
When you hide the extent of the involvement from your spouse.
When you share intimate details about your marriage with your affair partner.

Why would a man want an emotional affair? Men are more sexually motivated and generally less emotional, so what does a man gain from being in an emotional affair? My theory on this is that the following aspects appeal to some men:

There is a thrill to be felt because of the danger and secrecy of the illicit meetings.
Knowing that someone else finds him attractive can boost a man’s sagging self-esteem.
There is a fantasy that someday the affair will become sexual.

What does a marriage therapist do when presented with an emotional affair? In brief, I work to help the couple understand what was so wrong with their relationship that an outside relationship was even considered, let alone pursued. Then I help the couple to repair those weaknesses.

Tags: cheating, emotional affair

This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 pm and is filed under Infidelity.

4 Responses to “Emotional Affairs and How to Handle Them in Marital Therapy”

Amy Says:
June 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
The description of an emotional affair is a bit, um, eye opening for someone like me. My husband and I are both professionals - he is actually a therapist. We have little energy left for each other at the end of our days. I have found myself getting the undivided attention and conversation that I crave from someone else. I think of my husband and I as a couple who would never be unfaithful, great friends with a really good marriage. But, I am part of something that is potentially damaging. I am not yet sure how to fix this. Contact with this other person is part of daily life at work. I hope that this “epiphany” I had while reading your blog will be enough to redirect me to a more healthy view of this outside friendship. I appreciate your detailed description of the emotional affair and the red flag that it has raised for me. I hope many others read it. Amy
Moving On...Now or Later? | A Marriage Therapist's Blog Says:
August 9th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
[...] I work with a couple who are recovering from the husband’s emotional affair, I almost always notice a striking difference between how the man wants to deal with the problem as [...]
shootemup Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I have as of a week ago discovered my wife’s emotional affair that turned into a sexual affair. Its been devastating as we both love eachother. We have a small child, are both middle aged and have demanding jobs. She suffers from anorexia and depression and low self esteem. I am no bed of roses either - I also have low self esteem and trouble connecting with my emotions. We have been in therapy, both couple and individual. I suspected something as the man, a superior she worked closely with became a daily topic of conversation. When I commented she denied he was “like that”. He clearly became her friend, they became emotionally attached and then a business trip led to a week of sexual encounters while i was at home managing my professional job, a sick 3 year old and so on. I am gutted, cut to the quick and so hurt I can hardly put it into words. However, a week later we feel closer than ever, have talked more and in more depth than we have for years and are seeking urgent intervention from our therapists. Its too soon to tell - she has expressed her love for me and I for her, we have made love and we talk and talk. The pain comes out of both of us in bucket loads but she is confused about her deep feelings for the other man vs her long (22yr)and continuing love for me. This is the worst and perversley the best time in our relationship for a long time. Time will tell if we can pull it back together and maintain the love and caring we have discovered recently. Terrifying for both of us…
Anonymous Says:
September 6th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Its OVER - just OVER thanks to her new boss/friend

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