A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
The emotional affair is something I’ve been seeing more and more of recently in my marital therapy practice. In fact, the discovery of an emotional affair causes many couples in to begin marriage counseling.
Emotional affairs are more common than sexual affairs. One recent study indicated that 44% of husbands and 57% of wives have had an emotional affair. That’s right: more women than men!
The terminology emotional affair causes confusion among some people. Everyone knows that affairs are bad, and that they involve sex with someone other than the spouse. But what is an emotional affair? Well, in a nutshell, it’s an affair without the sex! Why call it an affair if it doesn’t involve sex? Because it is a romantic relationship with someone else, and because it involves emotional intimacy with the non-spouse.
How can an emotional affair damage a marriage? Let me count the ways:
- It seriously injures the secure feeling of attachment that the uninvolved spouse feels.
- It creates emotional distance between spouses.
- The involved spouse usually shares intimate details (including dissatisfaction) about his/her marriage with the affair partner.
- Time spent with the affair partner may mean less time spent with the uninvolved spouse.
- It typically increases deception and secrecy as the involved spouse tries to hide the affair from the uninvolved spouse.
- Some emotional affairs become full-blown sexual affairs.
When does a friendship cross the line to an emotional affair?
- When you are thinking more about your affair partner than about your spouse.
- When you get jealous while hearing about your affair partner’s love life.
- When you have sexual fantasies about your affair partner, or at least wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch him/her.
- When you hide the extent of the involvement from your spouse.
- When you share intimate details about your marriage with your affair partner.
Why would a man want an emotional affair? Men are more sexually motivated and generally less emotional, so what does a man gain from being in an emotional affair? My theory on this is that the following aspects appeal to some men:
- There is a thrill to be felt because of the danger and secrecy of the illicit meetings.
- Knowing that someone else finds him attractive can boost a man’s sagging self-esteem.
- There is a fantasy that someday the affair will become sexual.
What does a marriage therapist do when presented with an emotional affair? In brief, I work to help the couple understand what was so wrong with their relationship that an outside relationship was even considered, let alone pursued. Then I help the couple to repair those weaknesses.
Tags: cheating, emotional affair
This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 pm and is filed under Infidelity.
44 Responses to “Emotional Affairs and How to Handle Them in Marital Therapy”
Leave a Comment
A Brief History of Plagiarism & Copyright Infrigement of this Website
©2007 - 2011 Jay Slupesky, M.A., MFT. All rights reserved.
Referer: none
East Bay Couples
Counseling
Central East Bay Location
- Walnut Creek, CA Off I-680 at South Main St.
June 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
The description of an emotional affair is a bit, um, eye opening for someone like me. My husband and I are both professionals - he is actually a therapist. We have little energy left for each other at the end of our days. I have found myself getting the undivided attention and conversation that I crave from someone else. I think of my husband and I as a couple who would never be unfaithful, great friends with a really good marriage. But, I am part of something that is potentially damaging. I am not yet sure how to fix this. Contact with this other person is part of daily life at work. I hope that this “epiphany” I had while reading your blog will be enough to redirect me to a more healthy view of this outside friendship. I appreciate your detailed description of the emotional affair and the red flag that it has raised for me. I hope many others read it. Amy
August 9th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
[...] I work with a couple who are recovering from the husband’s emotional affair, I almost always notice a striking difference between how the man wants to deal with the problem as [...]
September 5th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I have as of a week ago discovered my wife’s emotional affair that turned into a sexual affair. Its been devastating as we both love eachother. We have a small child, are both middle aged and have demanding jobs. She suffers from anorexia and depression and low self esteem. I am no bed of roses either - I also have low self esteem and trouble connecting with my emotions. We have been in therapy, both couple and individual. I suspected something as the man, a superior she worked closely with became a daily topic of conversation. When I commented she denied he was “like that”. He clearly became her friend, they became emotionally attached and then a business trip led to a week of sexual encounters while i was at home managing my professional job, a sick 3 year old and so on. I am gutted, cut to the quick and so hurt I can hardly put it into words. However, a week later we feel closer than ever, have talked more and in more depth than we have for years and are seeking urgent intervention from our therapists. Its too soon to tell - she has expressed her love for me and I for her, we have made love and we talk and talk. The pain comes out of both of us in bucket loads but she is confused about her deep feelings for the other man vs her long (22yr)and continuing love for me. This is the worst and perversley the best time in our relationship for a long time. Time will tell if we can pull it back together and maintain the love and caring we have discovered recently. Terrifying for both of us…
September 6th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Its OVER - just OVER thanks to her new boss/friend
March 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I would really like an answer…
If when going through a wireless bill I see the number of someone that is “just a friend” several times throughout the day and night, should I think there is something more to the friendship? During the day and right before he calls me to say he’s on the way home from work, there are lengthy phone coversations but when he’s at home with me or when I am sleep it is texting back and forth. Now I am no fool; however, he chooses to act as if I am the court jester when I ask about the calls. Then he makes the all-time “I’m caught” claim “you don’t trust me do you? why are you going through the phone bill like that?” I handle all of the finances so I look at the bills from time to time. It would not have been a BIG thing if the number was there a few times… BUT 15-20 texts within one evening? Conversations that last more than 10 minutes at each occurance. I do not get that much talk time face to face let alone one the phone. This has happened before but I allowed him to convince me that it was all my fault because I was emotionally unavailable. What is the reason this time? I’ve tried to be the best wife I know how to be, but on some level I seem to be lacking. He has a Hercules complex, feels he always has to help some damsel in distress and I am no longer that damsel because I gained an ounce of independence and understanding of my self worth as a woman. I am terrified to say anything because it may push him away. So, again should I be worried about this?
April 27th, 2009 at 3:27 am
hi,
I am going thru an emotional affair. It all started just like that. I love my husband of 12 years marriage with a wonderful 7 yr son. We both are working. Its been more or less going good. We love each other. I think as it happens in any relationship there is a crisis period, where it starts stagnating and fun of doing things together is no longer the same thing as it used to be. Where wife is no longer seen as ‘damsel’ and is expected not to get philosphical over emotional needs and is expected to be mature. I am myself going thru such turmoil in my mind that I was looking forward to share with someone anonymous like you all. I have been reading blogs/ articles - and above all I am suffering deeply because of moral values. How could I let it happen? It took me sometime to accept what happened and how I kind of got into this addiction of being close to someone apart from my husband. I had put a defined boundary with my partner (emotional affair) of no physical anytime. But surprisingly I am getting a lot attracted to progress to that level myself. I need help. Someone who can understand the turmoil. I know what is right and what is wrong. But I am finding it so very difficult to pull back. I have been trying to revive my relationship with my husband so that it has all that joy, care, excitement. But seen very little contribution from his side. I have hinted him no of times that I am feeling emtionally low in our relationship etc - but he seems not to understand. Should I share with him abt my emotional affair. I am afraid, he will not pardon me.
Please suggest.
May 9th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Hello. I’m in desperate need of some advice. I just found out that my wife of 6 years is having an emotional affair. I think I always knew what I would do if I caught her cheating, but I feel differently about this. She tells me she still loves me, but she does have feelings for this other guy. We also have a 2yr daughter. I truly love my wife more than anything in the world, and the thought of losing either one of them is what’s hurting me the most. I told her exactly how i feel, and that i would do anything to make it work, but i am still completley heartbroken. It ended up leading to a kiss, but there was no sex involved. She tells me that she doesn’t really know what she wants (to stay with me or be with this other guy). I just really don’t know what to do right now. Just need to talk about it I guess.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:57 am
I met a divorced woman 4 months ago and we started a relationship. Now we are about to get married when I discovered that she involved in cyber sex with her ex-partner on daily basis. She is trying to cover it up by any means and complains that I’m jealous without a reason. She keep up talking that when I don’t trust her it realy means that I don’t trust myself. She also saying a lot about that she never gave me a reason to be suspicious. She don’t know that I found waterproof evidence that she had a cyber sex just a couple of hours after we have had real sex toghether. Her ex-partner lives in another country, I think it’s the only reason she isn’t have a sexual affair with him. I feel hurt and disgreased. I feel that the only thing she wants from me is my salary. I know for sure that she is love chating with another guy while having me on mobile phone. Can someone explain to me is it a normal behaivier? We both a middle aged persons with many years sexual expirience , marriages and divorces. When I met her I tought that I met an angel. I have to be a very stupid person, haven’t I?
May 15th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
My husband of 23 years is having an emotional affair with a woman half his age (he’s late 60s). He professed his love and attraction to her and, per his report, it’s mutual. They decided they won’t act on it (she has a bf), however, he admits he would like to. He does not seem to get nor care how devastating this is for me. He thinks because he hasn’t had sex, it’s not a problem. He is willing to work on improving our relationship and rebuiling our marriage but is unwilling to stop his “friendship” with her. I am feeling pretty pessimistic that this is going to work out when he is being emotionally intimate with and putting his energy toward her.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
My fiance has an extreame flirting problm. i find like 5 girls week he’s been texting calling, and hiding from me. he always says that there just friends, even ex wives and ex girlfriends.lol. i have in the past found multiple multiple pic of girls, dirty texts and i even chated with a girl whos number i found recently and aparently he had told her he was breaking up with me for her, and was seeing her on his smoke breaks at lunch. this is a re occuring thing, and sadly its mostly with 17 and 18 year old emo girls…. i dont know what his obsession is. he gets very deffensive about it…. we got back together and he promised i was the only thing that mattered, what he did was wrong, and he wouldnt be doing it any more…. today is a week later, he just got his phone turned back on, and he specificly started talking to a girl from his past who he knows im already suspisious of dont like him talking to…… he got immediatly defensive, said that i was crazy and wouldnt let him have friends, was completely in denial even thought hes admitted to me he has a problem on multiple occasions, said he wouldnt stop talking to her (cuz aparently, they r like brother and sister?)… i asked him, (he’s 27) what on earth could you have in common with a 17 year old to be texting at all odd hours of the night, in apropriate stuff, and you delete messages?…. he couldnt even tell me what they talked about. why can we not have joint friends or have me meet these girls if your just friends? I told him he can have any friends he wants but all hour of the night texts and pet names, deleated messages, and multiple girls popping up all the time? he can have as many chick friends as he wants i just want it to be apropriate. i feel so so so so bad. i dont have n e self esteem n e more… i attempted suicide about a month ago, which i ronicly happened cuz he couldnt not pick up on girls - we got his phone turn on after 2 years cuz of this problem- it took him 2 days to hide shit and have over 15 girls hes talking to with no explaination - it took him 4 days to have that affair at work that he was aparently leving me for….. which he denies up and down even tho i spoke to the girl myself. i think hes a pathological liar…. what hurts me the most…. is when hes with me he tells me he loves me, and acts like im the only girl in the world, then hes got like a a split personality and just dogs dogs dogs on me…. i’ve given him like 15 second chances. i feel im not what he wants and he using me to just have a place to come home to, how can he think im attractive and interesting if hes allways persuing young emo girls, which i cant be, and saying im crazy cuz i wont let him do it…he talks to these girls about 70% more than me!i cant even think of doing this to some one because i was raised with morals. why is he doing this to me? im litterally driving myself to insanity. my advice for every one going thru this… set boundrys and lines and if they cross them, get rid of them, cuz its something psychologicy jacked up in there brain and they will never stop until they PERMENTLY lose the one they love…and i just have to add in….it makes me sick how many of the women in this day and age, are so easy to steal men and break up familys just for a small flirty fling or one night stand….. what happened to society….im not proud to call myself a woman right now but i wouldnt be proud to be a man either… our society is so jacked up, i doubt hapiness even exists any more.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I have just last week overheard my wife explaining to her sister that “she really likes this guy”. When I confronted her she said it was nothing but as I drew more information out of her is became apparent it was more than nothing, she seemed to have a real attraction for the guy even going as far as to say her hearts fluttered whenever she saw him. She has assured me that she decided to stop seeing him as she knew the path led to a bad place - we have a comfortable lifestyle and a gorgeous little girl and what I had thought was a happy marriage. I am absolutely prepared to forgive her and move on with our marriage - I love her dearly and had no idea that this “affair” had happened. What I’m finding extremely hard to cope with is the fact that she doesn’t want to talk about it, she explained the situation when I overheard her but since then I sense the the subject isn’t up for discussion. What does everyone think? Should I Iet it lie and move on or continue to seek dialogue with her about what happened. What seems strange to me is that she felt the need to discuss it with her sister after apparently deciding to end the meetings over two months ago? I’m confused and just want to do what’s best to help both of us move forward.
September 11th, 2009 at 7:05 am
My husband has been best friends with a woman for 40 years. She is also a good friend of mine. She had a catastrophic incident that happened this year. Since this has happened my husband has been very close to her, acting as a sounding board, going for walks, phoning, texting, visiting, being a big help to her in all ways. I just feel like I’m the second banana, lately. They took a vacation together. I know nothing is going on sexually, but I feel this is a classic emotional affair. I discussed this with him and he is going to see a counsellor to figure out how to deal with this. He says he doesn’t have a lot of friends and would not want to lose this person as a friend and I don’t want that either but I just feel something is wrong and I don’t know how to make it right. I’m thinking about letting him start the therapy and then invite myself to the sessions if he thinks it will help. This is very difficult
September 21st, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I too find myself crushed over an emotional affair. I didn’t know how deep I felt about this married co-worker until I offered to “babysitt” his two little girls while his wife was out of town and he went out. He liked the idea of me coming over and agreed to have a bottle of wine waiting for me, but backed out on the idea last minute. He later confessed that he knew that when I got there he was not going to leave the house because he thought it would be fun to hang out with me and who knows what else. He admitted that he found me attractive but never said he had a crush on me. He also has said that if we both weren’t married, he would totally persue something with me. I just don’t get this! I told him that it would be hard for me to remain friends like before when I’ve had a crush on him all along. I’m crushed to think that perhaps I was the only growing feelings for him while he was just attracted to me. I guess I just wanted to hear that the feeling was mutual. Could he have randomly thought of me in this way or did he have thoughts about me before and it led him to his decision? I’m confused.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Hi Ana ~ Your post touched my heart. I completely understand your yearning for answers to questions that, 20 years from now, will be totally irrelavant. I remember how it was for me, 28 years ago, in a similar situation such as yours. I abruptly ended the “friendship” and began the healing process, and I have no regrets for doing so. I’m sure you won’t either after you internalize the answer to your now burning questions and truly understand this simple truth: The answer doesn’t matter — but you do. It doesn’t matter why he led you on, but the fact remains that he did. That makes him human. But with a wife and a child in the mix, another truth is that he used your power and energies to feel good. Those are the answers to the questions circling within your brain. He led you on and used you because it made him feel good. Closing the door on the “friendship” will give you substance as a woman and a stronger sense of your own self worth. There’s nothing to compare with knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter how difficult it seems at the time. It’s priceless. Good luck and best wishes to you in your re-discovery of just how amazing you are as a woman.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
I just ended an emotional affair with a coworker of mine, and it was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to go through. I had added him as a friend on Facebook and deleted him after two weeks when I came to the conclusion that I was focusing on the wrong things. I have a wonderful husband and daughter, and here I was, thinking of hooking up with a younger guy (he’s 20 and I’m 32). How messed up is that? When the guy asked me why I deleted him, I explained that I like him, but it’s a problem for me because I’m married. I also told him that I need to do the right things and move forward with my life. He basically threw it back in my face saying things like, “So this is how you want to end our friendship?” I didn’t know what else to do. I’m pretty sure that I did the right thing, but it still bothers me. I guess what I need is reassurance that I did the right thing.
January 20th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
hey,
about 2 and half weeks ago my husband came to me and told me that he was having and affair and it has been goin for abt 6 months…me and my huband have been together for 9 years and been married for 5 years….when he told me abt his affair i was shattered frm the inside out…and i started thinking in my head how come he cheated when i felt strongly in my heart that we had a wonderful marriage yeah we had our ups and down but we always fixed it and moved passed it. But ever since i started reading abt the blog about emotional affair then it clicked to me dat he had was an emotional affair….the thing is i forgave him and we hve 5 year daughter together and we were on the road of recovery but then the weekend jus passed i came to find out that he spent it wit her…..i love my husband but im done with the forgiveness thing i am ready to get out of this marriage coz i am so hurt and now i jus don’t trust him or anything he says….shud i stay and try to wuk or follow my heart and live??
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Well, since the new year rolled over I have learned my husband of 21 years is having an emotional affair. It all started so innocently with Facebook. Stupid me wanted him to get one because I said it was fun to connect with old friends. How much stupider can I get??? And old grade school/high school friend of his (a girl) friended him and she and he apparently decided to take it further than a friendship. They started their emotional affair and both are married, but apparently not completely happy. I was told that we live only as friends after 21 years and that he isn’t sure what he wants anymore. She has not told her husband of the affair yet. He tells me he has feelings for her and that he has to decide what he wants. While is sit back and wait and wonder if I will win, and if I do win how do I know that it’s really over between them? How do I know that he is completely committed to me? So, I am told to just act normal and be myself. I find it very hard to do that since I want to fix this, but obviously can’t. He doesn’t know if he wants to and he doesn’t necessarily want to get our passion back either. Yes I have gained a lot of weight over 21 years of marriage and 2 kids (teen agers now). He is working out every day to look and feel better (his lady friend is a 5k and 10k runner and has the body of a goddess). I cannot compete and I feel broken now. How do I act normal under these circumstances? Do I even have a chance in all of this? BTW she lives extremely far across several states, so I don’t think any physical affair will be happening any time soon, but he is out of a job and spends his day talking to her on line. I discovered the secrets on the cell phone bill, but then he just moved it to the computer where I cannot see it. I feel like vomiting every time I think about it.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:25 am
Well, an update since last post… He had now told me that it’s not just her, but he continually thinks what could have been with any hottie pants that says hi to him with a smile. He wonders what could have been if he was single… NICE. He’s not and that makes me feel real good. I believe he is going through mid life crisis. He says he is staying with me. But I still have a gut feeling he is chatting with his old friend from high school and not cutting it off. I believe her husband should know about this. It is unfair for us in the wings to not know. I have the ability to tell him via e-mail, but of course my hubby says I should not do that… UMMM Why??? I am destroyed. I want to destroy her too. Why should she have peace and happiness in all of this? I HAVE NO PEACE in any of this. Oh well, que sara sara, what will be will be I guess. I’m just so screwed up from this. I am working out now and putting myself back together and if he should pursue this further than the computer, I will at least feel better about myself and maybe be able to move on to something new later on. It is just so stressful.
January 31st, 2010 at 5:03 pm
I found out 3 months ago my husband of 23 years had an emotional affair with a woman from church for the last year and half..it did lead to an evening of “making out’ he says and nothing further ..who knows ..im crushed..I actually confronted the woman and she actually told me “I have done nothing wrong”…how sad someone would think thousands of phone calls texts and lunch meetings with a married man is not wrong..a warning to all there are people out there men and women that actually believe this! an emotional affair is just as devastating as any and it is most assureadly wrong!
March 1st, 2010 at 1:25 pm
I too have found out my husband was having an emotional affair via facebook with an ex girlfriend. He is in complete denial that it “counts” as an affair. I found several emails,messages, even naked pics from HIM to her. The messages included all kinds of “i love you’s” “miss you so much” and more!! Now he just wants to sweep it under the rug because he didn’t have sex with her. I am so sad and confused. I don’t know if we will make it through this.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
I am curious to hear from MEN that have had emotional affairs and how they felt after it was over? Was it hard to get over? I see a lot of women writing in but no men. I had an EA and am having a terrible time dealing with it but wondered if men have the same problem?
March 21st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
I am suffering from an emotional affair with a woman who lives 4 hours away. We chatted on line for months before meeting a couple of weeks ago. I am married with 2 kids and my wife has not noticed at least I think she hasn’t the changes in me. I think about this woman a lot, but she ended it a couple of weeks ago and I have been just devastated. I can’t eat, can’t sleep….it’s like being dumped. There was no real physical attraction but the bond developed was strong…..any advice?
March 24th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
I am a man who is getting over an emotional affair of two years. We are co-workers. We were both married during the EA. Six months ago she told me she was getting divorced. Two months later, I learned that she had “found someone” which I now am told was going on for some time. I was jealous, heartbroken and confused. I thought the thing to do to put my house in order was to tell her how I felt about her, which I did thinking if we both acknowledged it, but agreed we could not act on it, would give me closure. It didn’t. I convinced myself that saying it out loud made my feelings real and that I was in love with her. She intially was receptive to my feelings, and there was a time when there was a real chance that our EA was going to move to the next level. However, a week later, she told me that she had fallen for her new guy and needed to concentrate on that relationship. Rejected and crushed.
I have sought and am receiving therapy. I have invoked the no contact rule with the OW and have not spoken to her in three weeks. I realize now that I was not in love with this woman — I did not want a life with her. However, I was infatuated with her, which are feelings I am having to grieve. I have plunged myself back into my family and realize the time I spent in the EA put more distance between me and my wife. I am doing all that I know to do to get over her and move on with my life, but this is an extremely complicated, illogical, and emotionally painful process. That said, I am getting better bit by bit, but I impatiently long for the day when these feelings are gone forever.
March 27th, 2010 at 2:22 am
How sad, but I too am going through ANOTHER bout of emotional affairing by my husband of 7 years. First it was a friend he took classes with. He saw nothing wrong with her extreme animosity towards me or her trashing my character, along with her increasing demands for his attention and time. Eventually he stopped talking to her. A couple years later I found an overly large phone bill and tracked it down to THOUSANDS of text messages in one month to a particular number. He told me that it was none of my business who it was. When I threatened to call it, he came clean(ish). A “friend” he had been volunteering with for some time. He eventually told her to stop calling/texting. Tonight my husband was showing me his new phone and we were exclaiming over the cool features. I wanted to see what background pictures it came with and as the pics came up he snatched the phone from my hand. I asked him what he was afraid of me seeing. After fiddling with it a bit he finally gave it to me. As I scrolled I was confronted with full frontal nudity, obviously taken at someone’s home. (Gotta wonder what he was deleting first) It turns out that a year ago he had entered into yet another ea with a woman found on facebook, a friend of a friend of a friend, he said. She started sending nude pictures. He “said” he ended it, but he never deleted the picture. My question is, what now? Do I forgive yet again? Do I keep holding out hope? Am I now choosing to be the patsy? When is enough enough? It seems as if each time his behavior goes a little further over the line and I’m concerned for the day that it finally becomes physical. Each and every time he appears sincerely contrite, but appearances obviously aren’t guarantees for change. Are there things that need to be worked on in our marriage? Sure. However, he refuses to do so, claiming ignorance. He doesn’t know how to work on things. We went to a marriage counselor last year who appeared to light a flame under my husband to work on things. But that didn’t last past the drive home, though we went for many weeks. I’m just at a loss, of time, energy, heart, and inspiration.
June 2nd, 2010 at 1:20 pm
my husband of over 8 years started e-mailing a girl he knew in highschool. The first person he had sex with. They never dated and he hasn’t seen her in over 20 years. She is married as well and has 2 young children. She is unhappily married. They started emailing at the end of Feb. this year and phone calls only started around the end of March. We went on a family vacation overseas at the beginning of April and while we were there, he contacted her knowing that I pay for the phone bill and would see it. When we returned from the trip he told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me anymore and then just last week asked me for a divorce because he was in love with this other woman and that they were soul mates. She is also getting a divorce from her husband.
He continues to tell me he loves me and we continue to live as husband and wife, but he is preparing to move out of state and continue this “relationship” with her. I have no idea how to show him that it is just an infatuation, rather than real love. She complements him and strokes his ego. We had a good marriage- we have always been really close, but lately I have been really busy with work and studies. I don’t know how to fix this before it is too late.
July 2nd, 2010 at 12:39 pm
I have been with same guy 16yrs married 12. For years I have been unhappy but fully faithful as my spouse neglected me, shut me out, closed off communication, refused counseling an things when I offered, an wld tell me to go get a divorce if I was so unhappy. So finally I decided to leave, got a home loan, started lookin for a house an connected with a man online after friendly banter turned n2 feelings. After I opened my emotions up to another man, let him deep n2 my heart an developed strong feelings….my spouse had an epifany an decided it was time to change as even though he said it all the time he ddnt really want me to go. He is so broke down it’s painful to watch as he professes his love and begs me to stay. Now he wants counseling, reading his Bible, an is some1 I don’t even recognise but always wished he wld be. But now I’m months n2 an emotional affair with this other man an we talk/text multiple times a day and think we are n love. We have shared our darkest secrets an still love each other despite our faults. He makes me smile, laugh, my heart pitter pat, an I look forward to every second of time we get to spend. I’m angry @ my spouse for pushing me away because I would have NEVER entertained the thought of opening up to another man until I decided our marriage was over. And I’m angry @ myself for letting it happen before I actually left. I sooo wish I could give my marriage another chance -it’s what I hoped for for years yet I’ve found that I have stronger emotions for my EA man that I can’t bear to cease contact with. I am so confused abt what to do an afraid if I leave eventually I will have deep regrets for leaving my husband but at that point it will be tooo late! So I’ve been sitting n limbo an the EA keeps growing stronger an I can’t let it go an living with my spouse is just torturing us both. Yet I can’t seem to make that final step to let go of my husband either because I still Love him an he me even though he knows abt the EA an that it continues on. Soooo confused!!
July 3rd, 2010 at 7:52 am
My husband has been having an emotional affair with his coworker. He denies everything though, of course. I have caught him in several lies about this woman over the past several months. It all started with me accidentally seeing very sexual text messages on his phone. He became very upset and I asked him to cut off all contact with her. Of course he didn’t. I discovered more and more text messages and him lying about it more. Fast forward to now, I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he says it won’t help. I am going no matter what he decides to do, I have to take back control of my life.
August 29th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
I have been married for almost four years and began an emotional affair (later a sexual affair) with a man I knew years ago when we we were teenagers (18 years ago) but lost touch. We were re-connected through Facebook last August. My usually strong marriage was going through a really hard time, with my husband out of work for almost a year, depressed, withdrawing emotion, shouting at me, and being aggressive and moody. He ignored me almost all of the time and I felt completely worthless and unloved in my marriage. I began this emotional affair without any intention of being unfaithful to my husband. I was simply looking for understanding and a bit of affection. It went far too far. As more time went by and I became really close to my EA and we fell in love completely. As this was going on, I grew more and more angry and resentful at my husband, who really needed my help and support. I told my husband I needed a break from the marraige and left him to stay with my family. While on this break, I met my EA for the first time and we had a few wonderful days together which neither of us wanted to end. We fell even deeper in love, but he went back to his partner of 12 years and two kids and I went off on my own. I have been torn between my husband, who is desperate to give it another go despite knowing all about the affair including my feelings for the guy, and my EA who is far more emotionally sensitive and affectionate than my husband. I’ve been in limbo for three months’ now. I feel sorry for my husband and want to try again, but I still have very strong feelings of love for my EA who I cannot bear to lose contact with every day. I don’t know how to escape from this mess. Help!
September 7th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
#9. Girl I feel yah! My husband is the same way, he has a friend he refuses to stop seeing. I would not mine if he’d include me but they are always conveniently meeting alone. She’s is afraid of me he say’s, my energy is negative he says and they both can feel it. I just read some information on how to handle an emotional affair, you must not attack, give ultimatums or be emotional. The doctor suggested that you increase your worth! Date your husband and do all the things he like and be genuine so that you are needed and wanted by him. Good luck Girl! Go Get’em!
November 20th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
I have the biggest mistake of my life by emotionally cheating on my wife. As of a month ago, I didn’t even know what emotional cheating was. My wife and I got married over a year ago, but have been together for almost 8 years and have 2 young kids. A couple months before our wedding, my first girlfriend when I was 13, got in touch with me just by chance on facebook. We talked a little, there was some flirting, but I honestly didn’t take it serious. I thought it was just joking around and it wasn’t a big deal. My fiance, at the time, found out and I played it down and said I would never talk to her again. Well time passed and we started talk again. Now keep in mind that my wife has maintained friends with an ex boyfriend for our entire relationship, an ex that I found sent her “I love you” emails at the beginning of our relationship. I expressed my dislike and made it clear that I had a problem with her staying friends with him, wether it was just on facebook or not. Why would she stay friends with this guy if I had a problem with it? That created a seed of doubt. So I made a childish decision, “well if she’s doing it I will too”. I started talking to my ex and the conversations started getting inappropriete. She started talking about feelings that she had for me. I knew I felt nothing for her, but liked the attention, so I played along. Its satrted to get way out of hand, talking about wanting to see each other. I put and end to it and said what we were doing was wrong and that I love my wife and kids more than anything. She agreed, yet we stayed in contact as friends. I didn’t tell my wife anything, thinking that it meant nothing and I eventually did the right thing, why rock the boat. Well a year later my wife found out and being an employee of the wireless provider we use, she could see every message that was sent. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew what I did was wrong, but if I had knew how bad it would hurt my wife, I would have avoided the whole situation. Avoiding the situation and putting up proper boundries should have been my first response regardless. I can’t believe I created some much pain and devision between us, I am truely as heart broken as she is, but I’m the one that caused it. I’m praying that she doesn’t file for the big “d” word and gives me a second chance….just avoid it altogether, its not worth it. Just for a little thrill, all tricks of the ego.
December 11th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
My husband had an emotional affair during our entire marriage. The object of his affection was an ex-lover who had cheated on him, dumped him and married someone else, when given the chance she had refued to leave the marriage and marry him. Sooooooo, he married me many years later, he told me he kept in touch with her it was just friends, I thought something was wrong because I never got in on the emails or introduced to her, she didn’t get invited to our wedding or send a card but sent US a Christmas card (addressed to both of us even though never being introduced to me) right before our wedding. (Nice try to keep us from getting married, I saw right through it.) I always assumed it was her pursuing him from the way he framed it to me. Now I find out he is just as invovled if not more so than her. He is only sorry I think because he got caught. Now he is relieved of the guilt of being found out, he wants to just move on. I wasn’t a physical virgin before we got married, but I was an emotional virgin, I had never trusted a man enough to have an orgasm. Now he has ruined that for me, I don’t think I can have that kind of physical relationship with him again, I will just relive all the times we were together (a lot!) and think they were just meaningless to him he was really thinking about her. Now that the emotional part of my marriage has been deprived from me and I do not trust him enough to have any sex, which would not be the same, I find myself thinking I’d rather just go have sex that is meaningless with someone, I mean, to me it seems like it would be better than lowering myself to do it with someone who lied to me even when he was asked point blank about the emails and the relationship. I am thinking I could have some fun and not get hurt. I never thought I would want to have sex with someone outside my marriage, on the other hand I never thought sex in my marriage would make me feel like a total prostitute. I kind of feel too like if i stay in the marriage because my kids are attached to him and because I can get concessions after he made it up to me, but I never feel secure again, that kind of makes me a cop out. I don’t want to hurt my kids by taking them away from someone they care about, he cheated on me, not them. But if the emotional part of marriage isn’t there, the sex isn’t happening for me either. I would feel better just finding a sex partner. Oh, my husband is deployed, so I told him we are separated. He refused to get individual therapy, even though he wants to stay married. He lied again and said it wasn’t available where he is stationed, which is a crock, you can get it by phone or by email, all soldiers abroad can get counseling (he has a desk job with office hours, he is not in any kind of combat or anywhere near combat, he goes shopping and to movies and to the gym and has access to internet and so forth). It is like being married to a kid, he wants to be married and have sex with me and get emotional stroking from me plus have the liberty to keep up his fantasty life with the ex girfriend (from years and years and years ago). He did the typical stuff like saying he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me, then it was only he said it was about day to day stuff, then it comes out he talked to her about emotional stuff and fantasies about what might have been, then it comes out he was having sexual fantasies about her at work…all those months he could’t get aroused unless I went down on him. He kept saying it was because he masturbated too much at work. I guess so!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he doesn’t understand why I need a break from him. I think he is a narcissist but I am not sure. He sure seems like one. He turns on the charm and says he loves me, do I really want a separation and not to talk to him until he gets back in 9 months. Actually, my life goes a lot better while he is away - he is high maintenance although he pretends not to be. Still, the thing about having my sex life yanked out from under me by total destruction of the necessary emotional underpinnings is disturbing to me. I think at this point if someone who I found sexually attractive clicked with me (man or woman) I would go for it. Casual sex seems so much less damaging to a marriage in this state, than emotional infidelity that has been going on for the entire 3 1/2 years we have been together. I think the man is in love with love, he has no problem loving someone who screwed him over behind his back and dumped him and lied to him, he still loves her. I keep telling him something is wrong with that scenario, a normal person does not continue to love in those circumstances. I do not even love my husband right now. I WISH I could, but that is different than the actual feeling. I think it’s pathological to love someone who has breached your trust, especially if they are 46, if we were 20 it would be easier to understand, but at 46 nobody is forcing you to get married, nobody is forcing you to lie. The other thing that bothers me is that he was so good at lying, what really bothers me most is that I was so good at believing. I no longer feel like he is a ’safe’ relationship choice for me, I struggled to believe him, asked him questions, he told me I was insecure. Then he would accuse me of having boyfriends, then say it was a joke, but he would ridicule me in public and say other things to subtly bring me down because of his low self-esteem, all the while maintaining a relationship by email with this married woman he screwed a couple times in the past (maybe more, how should I know, he SAYS he didn’t). I think marriage is a big farce. I think people should just screw when they want to and get on with their lives. Nobody seems to be honest, what is the point of trusting someone if they just take advantage of it.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:48 pm
I had an emotional affair. Didn’t find out that’s what it was until after it happened.
Weird thing is, I TOLD my husband and told him it wasn’t about leaving him, I just knew I was in love with this other person as well as him. I wasn’t looking for it (consciously). It just happened. And it made me happy and sad at the same time.
So I told my husband at the earliest opportunity once I knew. I don’t like secrets and I don’t lie well and I told him. I wanted him to know so we could talk about it, maybe figure out why it happened or what I should do, what we should do, etc.
Well the only thing that happened was my husband acted like I HAD lied and snuck around behind his back. And when he acted like that, I understood, but then again I didn’t.
I didn’t get any conversation (oh yeah, and there was no sex between me in this person but we did want it, but I said nothing would happen unless there was a chance my husband was okay with it…which I know is a long shot, but I wasn’t getting sex for at least two years…so I thought maybe there would be some “lady chatterly” arrangement he’d be okay with. Well forget that!)
I DID finally find out why there had been no sex between me and my husband for so long. And my husband kept quiet about it for two years. TWO YEARS. Not a word about it. Even when I brought it up in that time.
I am now the one who doesn’t want sex. I want it, but not with my husband. I feel like the one betrayed (boldface the “I”). Aren’t I supposed to be the one he can share anything with??? I tell him about falling in love with another man, but he can’t tell me when something is bothering him about sex between he and I?
Well, now I see that was how the emotional affair came about (at least part of the reason). If spouses can’t talk freely with each other, why bother being married?
I stopped the emotional affair, but now three people are damaged. I’m still recovering. I feel numb. But I’m moving forward…a day at a time.
Every story isn’t the same.
April 11th, 2011 at 6:18 pm
I had an affair with a friend for 9 month. At first it was EA but after 4 months thing gets physical. I was caught twice by my wife but managed to save myself and still maintain the affair with the OW.Then last month the OW was caught by her husband.We are seeing less of each other now.I know what I did was wrong, I have talk to my wife about my affair, she shows no emotions. Now I’m in the process of ending my affair with the OW, each day is a struggle.I tried not to think of the OW but my heart says i love her. I feel so guilty to my wife, at night while she sleeps i would wake up and whisper to her i love you. Now I’m beginning to built my marriage, spending more times with my kids and wife.
April 20th, 2011 at 8:22 pm
I just found out my wife has been having an emotional affair with a younger man she met at a bar one night.(she is 41 and he is 30) She was out with friends and was dancing with him and he put his cell # in her phone. She began contacting him a month later and they traded text messages and pictures back in forth for five months before i happened to see a text she sent him. She insists that they didn’t text that often and were just friends most of the time who talked about politics. The message i saw wasn’t very political in nature (we just started marriage counseling and i have tried to be non judgemental and forgiving but this is tearing me up).We have 3 great kids and I thought an extremely happy marriage. I love her so much but am finding myself becoming jealous and suspicious because of this..which is not like me or how i want to live the rest of my life. any advice appreciated
April 28th, 2011 at 2:55 pm
After reading up on emotional affairs, i have finally figured out that my husband of 27yrs in one with a co-worker. All three of use work at the same place, so this is exceptionally hard. In the beginning, i had a gut feeling about her, but not sure what it was. I was very passive agreesive toward her, but the hard part was, there are times when I had to talk to her about work problems. My husband kept saying kiddlingly, my GF and wife have to like each other. What crap that was and it would get me so mad. So one day i said, why do I have to like her? He got all upset, which I did not expect at all. He kept saying there is nothing between them… and get this part… because she won’t do anything because she is married. So I said, that means you would. He went balastic, saying how i didnt trust him and on and on. Looking back, it was his way of denying what is still going on. It all started when little missy goody two shoes had to travel to a big city for a convention. My husband had to go to the same convention and he joked with me at the time, that he would make sure her room was next to him with adjouring doors. Silly me thought that would be funny. Well, come to find out, he had that planned and this is so sick.. they stayed up all night and talked and talked and talked. he “complained” about staying up so late just talking. I happened to be able to read his emails, he sent her You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, every time i hear the song “smile” my uncle kcracker I think of you, another sond by aerosmith reminds me of the convention weekend. WOW - he does not know i have read the emails. he says he love me (crap) and doesnt want to loose me (crap until she gets a divorce). She is always complaining to him and everyone who will listen about how she does not like her marriage. And of course my husband, mr nice guy, is there to give her compliments all the time. This week she is on vacation with her family…and funny he happened to schedule a business trip to the same place. how freaking sweet. He was supposed to meet up with some other guys to meet customers, and wouldnt you know it, these other guys could not make it, how convient. I’m thinking he never had any plans with these other guys, just to tell me so I wouldnt suspect anything. And like everyone else..they have been texting back and forth many times during the day. I’m thinking and have written a letter to her husband, just to let him know what is going on. She might be convinced to get a divorce and then my husband would ask for one. At this time i’m getting back into shape and have making plans on the weekend without him. We have discussed, I wished I knew that this was an EA, as then i would of brought that up in conversation. Dang, now just have to wait it out for a couple more months until I know whether to look for a new job, or suck it up and stay and let him and her be embarassed, which would be fine with me.
April 29th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
I just read your post and do not know what to think. I am in a similar situation but not sure how far it has gone yet other than emailing. Nothing physical he tells me but makes me wonder at times.
May 2nd, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I pretty sure there has been no sex.. hugging sure, pecks sure, but nothing more. Its very hard to read the emails when he says she looks great (he tells me too, but not with the same intensiy) and how much he misses her when he travels. he does not mention that to me at all. just today he said, i make him happy too… whatever that means. just a few more weeks, then i will let him know i’m no longet going to be the looser, i’m done.
August 9th, 2011 at 8:15 am
My husband is having an emotional affair with his BEST FRIEND’S wife whom I thought was my friend. She is a cute flirty thing whose comments I have blown off in the past as just being xxxx. But most recently I discovered she has been texting my husband - grumbling about her in-laws, suggesting an evening we had planned as couples not be shared with her husband or myself (jokingly?? I don’t know), followed with the words WINK WINK WINK, and then followed by a text “I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART”. We did all meet for dinner that night and she repeated a whole conversation I had previously attempted to have with my husband (I had said nothing to her) the only difference in the conversation she repeated and the one I had with my husband - she repeated a conclusion and his opinion on the topic. Then she sat there and winked at him across the table. This is not the 1st conversation she has repeated to me that I only recall having with my husband, conversations that he could not sit still long enough to have with me he was repeating and completing with her. Next thing I know my words are coming out of her mouth and then she gives me advice on what he is like and needs. When I approached him about it he says it’s just xxxx being xxxx. He claims that it is just my ridiculous jealousy taking over. As he usually does, convinced me I was wrong and I ended up apologizing to her. Another kicker to this whole story – he was not mad that I had just accused him of possibly having an affair – he was made at me for “touching” his phone. Is he clueless as to what is going on? He dearly love his best friend, xxxx’s husband. I love him so much but I don’t understand why we spend so many quiet evenings and weekends together when he apparently has no issue having these discussions and laughs elsewhere and I don’t understand why he does not see anything wrong here.
September 16th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
My husband came clean about a girl that he fell in love with after I confronted him about 2 others he had phone and text conversations along with meeting them often (as friends he said)he had done this a couple other times over 24 years when he met her she was a stripper he says he has a wondering eye and needs to have these friends but no sex is involed .As I have told him he emotionally cheated no difference .He has had throw away phones he hides to still communicate …He carried the relationship over 2 years of course he blames me saying I dont understand him ..ever since I have confronted her and him he has been nasty also drinking more than ever and crying about her shes 18 years younger and also is in a relationship .I have found out many things about her and she also has a history of lying and manipulating of course he defends her.He use to be productive on top of the game and sharp now he is a mental mess ,he cant funtion he sleeps all the time and drinks till he passes out and has become violent and self destructive .I just dont know what to do anymore life is a roller coaster and I cant get off.He said he put it behind him but he still was communicating with her and the others she recently told him never to call or text her again he blames me for upsetting everything fact is they both are liars that got caught she dennied everything to he boyfriend even saying nasty things about my husband but he still defends her .I know he is infactuated with her but he doesnt see that ,I fear that he will not come out of it I cant say anything without him exploding I am not even allowed to grieve over this .
October 17th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
My husband is having an emotional affair even though he will not admit it. I am in so much pain right now, I never thought he would do this to me. He says that he had feelings for her before he met me like that makes it ok. I found a message he sent her on facebook in which he tells her how beautiful she is and that he loves her too. He told me that he never really wanted to get married that he did it because that’s what I wanted and he does not love me as much as he use to. He hardly speaks to me and does not tell me that he loves me anymore.
I love him so much and would do anything to save our marriage. He refuses to go to a marriage counselor with me. When he does speak to me it’s to tell me how unhappy he is and how he is tired of trying. He always brings up old fights when I went through my depression and said things I did not mean out of anger. I feel extremely guilty for my past behavior in our marriage and feel like our current situation is all my fault. I can’t give up on him as much as he is hurting me, I love him to much. He has changed all his passwords so I can not see what he is tying but his web page history shows he is constantly going to her page. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sad and lonely.
November 10th, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Based on the description of an EA, I’m currently in several simultaneously - and I don’t say that to discount the definition, I say it because it’s true.
If I dig deep, I can see that my marriage has been on empty (emotionally, that is) for years. He doesn’t value or respect me; I no longer trust or like him. But at work I am respected, admired, complimented, appreciated, asked for advice, treated politely, spoken to like an equal - by any number of attractive, intelligent, successful men. Many of whom I am close friends with and lean on for their support and friendship, and some of whom I believe I am more than a little in love with. And vice versa.
How could I not be in EAs with these people when my partner is hypercritical, angry, unpleasant, and clearly believes he is better than me? I am so far beneath his regard that he hardly makes eye contact with me. He rarely speaks to me unless it is to issue orders (not requests) or criticism - although, I suppose, occasionally he’s decent, but only when he wants to get laid. He refuses to express any emotion other than anger - and he’s angry all the time.
The fact is, I am DONE with him. After years of being forced further down the hierarchy he’s created in our household, I have checked out of this relationship. I no longer like him; I’ve unlearned any respect I had for him in the past; and I can’t trust him to care enough to bother trying to change.
I can’t wait to be free of him. Only a little while longer until I have the financial resources to make a life of my own without him.
So thank you, my dear partners in EA (especially you, M and C), for nurturing my self-confidence and self-worth all this time - because of you I know I can do this and that I am desirable and valuable and worthy of better things.
November 14th, 2011 at 5:42 am
My husband has been writing to his ex girlfriend on and off for the past few years..Up until last year it was an occasional “hi” but unfortunately a month ago I did a bit of snooping (very wrong I know) and checked his emails. I found that they were writing assiduously and not very innocently. Don’t get me wrong-nothing sexually explicit but a hell of a lot of flirting and double entendres and him moaning about our marriage troubles and pretending to be some kind of dark/tragic/mysterious character. It made me sick to my stomach and eventually confronted him about it. Obviously he got angry because I had invaded his privacy..he played the whole thing down although he had the decency to aplogise for this “innocent bantering” as he put it. The fact that there had been no physical contact made everything all right in his eyes. He swore that nothing would ever happen between them. He changed his password - a few weeks went by in which I still had this hunch that it wasn’t over… I checked his mobile and woe and behold a text message!!!!! Another HUGE row (I’d invaded his privacy again…) and again he said she was only a friend and he was doing nothing wrong. He said he didn’t tell me about it because he knew what my reaction would be!! I told him how hurt and betrayed I felt. He aknowledged this but he still want to stay in touch with her as she’s an “old friend” and he likes chatting to her. We’ve reached an agreement that ok, he can chat to her but on decent, friendly level - no flirting. At the same time I want him to talk to me about her - if I ask. He mustn’t hide this relationship anymore. Am I a sucker???? Should I send her an email to warn her?? I could threaten to tell her husband….
December 25th, 2011 at 1:07 am
I have been married for 24 years and found out that my husband is involved in two emotional affairs. He is 49 and the first girl is 33. They work togetherand I found out this when I reviewed my phone bill for the first time in a year. He started texting last yar around thanksgiving. She just got married in Sept. 2011 and invited us to the wedding. Had i not found out this crazy man would have gone and taken me too. This relationship was secret for a yr. Before discovered and my still exist but the text and calls have stopped.
The second is with a woman he worked with also. This relationtionship has been going on for 17 years. He claims it was never physical but I
know it is. I found a hotel receipt. She is now 38 and married with children. Good thing is that we live 12 hrs away but she lives in the same city as my family. sure they have hooked up on our visits. Without prayer, marriage counseling and some truth and honesty this marrige wil fail and I’m tired.
January 18th, 2012 at 8:58 am
I’ve been married for 10yr and together with my for 17yrs. I believe she is having an emotional affair. Three years ago we started hanging out with a couple down the street that has 2 children the same age as ours. The husband is a stay at home dad and my wife is a stay at home mom. At first my wife would go to their place or he would come to our place during the day while his wife and I were at work so that the younger kids could play together while the older ones were at school. This past September all the kids are in school full time and they continued to spend several days together. They go to concerts, movies and other places together and I never get the invite. She often goes to their place after we put the kids to bed leaving me home alone. We don’t spend time together and it is very rare that we go out just the 2 of us and when we do she is texting him constantly. Throughout this whole year I have been asking her if there is something that I could do to make things better between us and why he gets so much of his time and I get the leftovers. I was at my wits end as I wanted to know what was going on. I did something that I regret doing and tracked her text messages. Through the messages I confirmed that they were having a physical affair. I had confronted them and they said that it was all a hoax and that they were trying to teach me a lesson, even his wife was involve. His wife is ok with my wife spending all this time with her husband only because she gets to spend time with them as well but I am the one that is always left out. My wife talks to them about all our issues but never talks to me about them and I am feeling shut out of her life. I know that she is having an emotional affair with him but can she also be having an emotional affair with his wife?? There is noe intimacy between us and I am not just talking about sex. She doesn’t kiss me or hug me and I can’t remember the last time she complimented me. We are currently in counseling and she doesn’t feel as though she is doing anything wrong. I love my wife more than anything in this world and I want to work on keep my family together but right now I feel as though I am a babysitter that is paying all her bills so she can go and do whatever she wants. IT’S NOT FAIR!!