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Jul 28

Fire this Idea!

By Jay Slupesky
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Specific Problems

Over the weekend my wife and I watched the movie Fireproof, a Christian-oriented drama about a thirty-something firefighter, Caleb, whose marriage is in crisis for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is hooked on internet porn and his wife knows it. Caleb and his wife, Catherine, come very close to divorcing, but reconcile at the end of the movie after Caleb gets his act together, cuts out the porn, and starts treating his wife better. (I hope I haven’t spoiled it for anyone who hasn’t seen the film yet - but of course you know the movie has to have a happy ending!)

In addition to his porn problem, Caleb is portrayed as self-centered and a hothead who typically handles his anger by going outside and kicking the trash cans around while screaming his frustrations.  Catherine, on the other hand, is trying to be a good wife but is constantly hurt by what her husband says and does.

In a nutshell, the marriage is saved when Caleb takes his wise father’s advice to follow the instructions in a book called The Love Dare, which gives specific details about how to treat your spouse. By doing what The Love Dare says to do, Caleb is transformed from a selfish jerk into a thoughtful and loving husband.

The skeptical among us would wonder if the movie is a cleverly-disguised advertisement for the book (available on Amazon.com!).  But I digress.

The advice in The Love Dare is very concrete and behavioral.  It’s a 40-day program with a specific instruction for each day.  On Day 1 the advice is not to say anything negative to your spouse, and on Day 2 the instruction is to do a surprise nice thing for your spouse (such as buying flowers).  This is good advice, and I don’t know any marriage therapist who would argue with it.

Where I have a big problem with the The Love Dare is on Day 23.  On that day the instruction is to remove any addictions or influences that are troubling the relationship.  Caleb realizes that he is addicted to internet porn so on Day 23 he takes the family’s computer outside and literally demolishes it with a aluminum baseball bat.

This guy needs an anger management class. But again I digress.

Porn is not mentioned after this point in the film, so the viewer infers that Caleb conquered his porn addiction on that single day.

I’m here to tell you that people don’t conquer addictions in a day.  Overcoming compulsive behavior is a long process.  Addictions such as porn, alcohol, and drugs take a lot of time and effort to defeat - think years, not days.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 9:12 pm and is filed under Specific Problems.

One Response to “Fire this Idea!”

  1. Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Good point Jay,

    I also saw the movie. I agree that the love dare has a lot of good advice. And it was pretty hard for me to relate to Caleb defeating his addiction in one day as well :). In my experience, even if you are able to ward off one addiction, you will usually show addictive tendencies in some other arena. I think the key is to work toward progressively develop healthier and healthier habits.
    What do you think? How do you help clients with addictions?

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