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Jan 26

Go Ahead and Ask

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication


Sunset Over San Francisco
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

Some people have trouble asking their spouse for things they want. It can be something little or something big, but for some individuals there are reasons to keep their desires to themselves. 

Perhaps the subject is what to do next weekend and you’d really like to go to Tahoe. Maybe it’s that you want to have sex tonight.  Or it’s that you want to rearrange the living room furniture.

What keeps people from being open about what they want?  I can think of three things:

  1. They are avoiding conflict. If they say what they want it may lead to an argument, and that would not be good.
  2. They feel they don’t “deserve” what they want.  This sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. Some people feel that they must sacrifice their needs and desires for the good of the relationship.
  3. They are afraid of being turned down. The possibility of the spouse saying “no” is scary.  This happens most often, I think, in the area of sex. The man (for example) may want sex, but he doesn’t ask, because his wife might say no, and that would be hard for the man to deal with. So he avoids the possibility by not bringing the issue up in the first place.

I find that people who don’t ask for things typically build up resentment over their needs not being met. This resentment is bound to come out, either quickly in a big blow-up, or slowly, with contempt on a day-by-day basis. Neither is good. I almost always try to convince my clients that it’s best for the relationship to speak freely about your desires. It’s counterproductive to do anything else.

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 26th, 2009 at 6:40 pm and is filed under Communication.

2 Responses to “Go Ahead and Ask”

  1. save my marriage Says:
    January 27th, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Great post….I think I just learned that I just simply need to ask. What is worst thing she could say - “no?” At least, she will know a little more as to how I think, and that will be beneficial down the road. I’ll make sure to tell my wife to never be afraid to simply ask.

  2. Rania Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 6:38 am

    It is very excellent post. I feel this post is very reasonable. This post is provide useful and workable information.

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