How Does That Make You Feel?

Dec 27

By Jay Slupesky

Young Man Wondering How He Feels One problem that we marriage therapists face is working with men who don’t seem to be in touch with their emotions. Another way of describing these men is “inexpressive.” In my experience, younger men (say age 35 and under) are more likely to be inexpressive than older men.

A big part of emotionally-focused couple therapy is to get to the root (or primary) emotions which underlie the partners’ pain, and have the man and woman express these emotions to one another, perhaps for the first time. This can be a bit of a challenge with an inexpressive male.

Here’s a fictional (but typical) example. Let’s say the woman has just finished talking about how lonely and abandoned she feels when her husband works late almost every night instead of coming home and being with her and helping her with their children.

Me: “John, what’s it like for you to hear Mary talk about how lonely she feels, and how much she misses you, when you work so late every night?”

John: “Well, my boss is putting a lot of pressure on me lately…” (defends himself and doesn’t answer the question)

Me: “I understand that your boss is unreasonable, but what is going on inside you when you hear Mary describe how she feels?”

John: “I know it’s a problem, and I think it’s going to get better in a few months.” (still not answering the question)

Me: “John, I am asking how you feel, not what you think.”

John: “Oh. Well, I guess it’s kind of sad.”

Me: “OK. Tell me more about feeling sad.”

Emotionally focused couple therapy is very effective with inexpressive men! It can have a powerful effect on their wives to hear them express a deep emotion, possible for the first time in years. And for the men, it can be very therapeutic to have a counselor who understands and validates their emotions.

Tags: Emotionally Focused Therapy

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 27th, 2007 at 4:59 pm and is filed under About Marriage Therapy.

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