I Have Nothing to Wear!

Mar 17

By Jay Slupesky

News flash! Men and women really are different! Duh. You don’t need me to tell you that. You also don’t need me to tell you that how men and women communicate is often quite different. Another “duh.” Yet, I wonder how many couples actually take the time to consider and explore the meaning behind what is communicated?

The book Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, provides a great illlustration of how the same phrase can mean two totally very things to a man and to a woman. Consider a couple who are getting dressed for an event. She looks in her closet and says, “I have nothing to wear!” Translation: “I have nothing new!” He looks in his closet and says, “I have nothing to wear.” Translation: “I have nothing clean!”

Let’s play out this illustration to see how something so seemingly minor as meaning can affect the daily interactions in your marriage. Imagine again the wife exclaiming, “I have nothing to wear!” Hubby looks at her closet (chock-full of clothes), feels confused by her seemingly-irrational comment and replies, “Honey, you have plenty of things to wear!” She snaps at him because she perceives a lack of empathy and understanding, and she feels even more irritated! Hubby still feels in the dark about this whole clothes thing and is more confused by her strong retort to his seemingly helpful comment. The conversation ends and both continue on, feeling unclear about what just happened. Sound familiar?

The great news is that neither person is wrong. Each person just means something different that often doesn’t make sense to the other. The woman assumes that her husband knows what she means, and the husband assumes his wife understands him. Don’t assume. If you feel confused, hurt, or disrespected by something your spouse says, take a posture of honesty and curiousity. Simply ask, “When you said ______, what did you mean?” Let him or her know how it originally sounded and felt for you. The payoffs: You learn about each other, your spouse feels more understood and cared about, and you will most likely alleviate further misunderstanding, hurt, and conflict.

Tags: Communication

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 17th, 2010 at 9:43 pm and is filed under Communication.

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