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Dec 08

Intimacy is Close By if You Want It

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication


Fruit Stand, Canterbury, England

Dan Wile has some great thoughts about communication in marriage. He says that at any moment intimacy is just one or two sentences away. The problem is figuring out what the sentences are!

Let’s look at some possibilities.

  • You could attack or defend. For example, “Why didn’t you call me today? You said you would.” This turns your partner into the adversary. No intimacy is achieved.
  •  You could avoid.  For example, ”How was work?” You hide your disappointment about not getting the phone call. No intimacy is achieved here either.
  • You could confide your feelings. “This is kind of embarassing to admit, but all day long I was looking forward to you calling me. I really missed talking to you.”  Intimacy now results because you’ve turned your partner into an ally instead of an adversary.

The great thing about confiding feelings is that frequently triggers the other person to do the same thing. In other words, intimacy is self-reinforcing.

In marriage therapy we work on making these kind of statements all the time.

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 8th, 2008 at 3:43 pm and is filed under Communication.

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