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May 09

Learning to Like Criticism!

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication

Wouldn’t it be great if you could take your spouse’s criticism and use it as an opportunity for additional knowledge, instead of as a source of conflict? How could this improve your marriage?

Author Harville Hendrix provides four general principles about criticism:

  1. Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality. While this may be a bitter pill to swallow, most spouses are experts at spotting and knowing their mate’s weaknesses and character flaws. If you are able not to react or become defensive, then these interactions provide an opportunity to acknowledge your own disowned traits and to grow and change.
  2. Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your spouse are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. This interaction also provides an opportunity for your spouse to gain information about his or her childhood wounds and unmet needs. Write down the specific criticism as well as a) feelings and thoughts that emerged when the spouse acts this way, b) feelings and thoughts that may be deeper than the ones first realized, and c) if these same thoughts and feelings were present in childhood?
  3. Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself. It is often true that a criticism of another is a valid statement about oneself. While this takes courage, ask yourself the question, “In what way is my criticism of _______ (partner) also true of me?” It is much easier and more comfortable to spot a negative trait in your partner and criticize it than to separate it from your partner, own it, and address it within yourself.
  4. Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you identify your own “lost self”. Often, if a criticism is not a projection of a negative trait within you, it is an expression of an unconscious lost part of yourself. If you find yourself criticizing your spouse for being too much of something (too playful, too carefree, too dedicated, etc.), you are often identifying undeveloped or repressed parts of yourself that you wish you developed. When you see your spouse expressing these traits, you may become quietly jealous and resentful. Again, the key is to glean knowledge from these criticisms and use this information to grow and change toward a more full, conscious, and enriched self and relationship.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 9th, 2010 at 11:22 am and is filed under Communication.

4 Responses to “Learning to Like Criticism!”

  1. Beverly hills psychologist Says:
    May 14th, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I have learned how to take criticism very constructively. It really is a good thing to do because you can learn how to better yourself.

  2. Another Update: Plagiarism / Copyright Infringements of this Website | A Marriage Therapist's Blog Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 9:16 am

    [...] Copyscape reported that someone had issued a press release that consisted entirely of my blog post Learning to Like Criticism.  The press release appeared on the website PRLog. The post was copied word-for-word and in its [...]

  3. Mary W. Hopkins Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    The idea that criticism of another may reflect a repressed, disowned part of the self or a lost part of the self, is, I think, a really good starting point for beginning the process of taking responsibility for one’s own experience and mood. It suggests that the reason something your partner does (or doesn’t do) bothers you so intensely may have more to do with your own unresolved issues than with your partner’s. More and more, my experiences as a therapist convince me that the subconscious mind exerts a powerful effect on our perceptions, needs,feelings, and behaviors and unless brought into awareness, can result in patterns of relating to others that are essentially self-defeating.

  4. IseNiki Banigo Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Yes, listening to criticism is one of the key factor by using which you can improve your personality and specially marriage life.

    If we able to learn, how to learn with criticism constructively , our marriage life will be much happier. We have to communicate each other politely , even if criticizes , be criticized politely so their will be no conflict in partner. By marriage communication we can improve our self and live a peaceful happy marriage life.

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