A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Mar 09

Let’s All Get Soft

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication

Soft Puppy and Soft KittenDuring marriage therapy sessions, I hear about many arguments between husbands and wives.  Couples can argue about little things and big things.  They can argue about important things and unimportant things.  They can even start out arguing about something small and unimportant, and before long, the topic has somehow switched to something big and important. People can even argue about things that happened years ago, as if it were possible to somehow change something that’s already happened.

I try to get couples to “soften” the things they say to one another during disagreements. As I’ve said before in this space, name-calling is never a good idea. Nor is it wise to compare your spouse negatively to someone else (”John’s wife earns a lot more money than you do!”).  But I thought I go a bit further and make a list of ten “soft” phrases that could and should be used in disagreements.

 Here’s my list:

  • I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean what I just said. Let me retract that and try again.
  • I can understand what you’re saying.
  • I love you.
  • What you just said really hurt my feelings.
  • How can we work together to solve this problem?
  • We’re starting to get worked up. Let’s take a 15-minute break to cool off, and then continue talking.
  • Can I have a hug?
  • I agree with some of things you say.
  • I appreciate it that you ….
  • What you just said was pretty harsh.  Could you please rephrase it?

Sound corny?  Maybe.  But I think they work to keep things calm, to remind yourself not to overreact, and to periodically disarm your partner with your own kindness and vulnerability. 

Try it out!

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This entry was posted on Sunday, March 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm and is filed under Communication.

One Response to “Let’s All Get Soft”

  1. Sondra Says:
    October 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Keep up the good work.

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