A Marriage Therapist's Blog

117 Responses to “Marriage Counseling with a Narcissist”

1. zion Says:
   July 14th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

   Hi. I will be starting marriage counseling with my wife, whom I believe to be a narcissist. My mother and brother are, so I have a few examples to go by…the more I read the information the more I get anxious. I was wondering what kind of reactions the narcissist gives when confronted about their condition.

   Thanks

2. Leave Me Alone, I'm a Family Man | A Marriage Therapist's Blog Says:
   August 9th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

   [...] several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.” Ah, narcissism, one of my favorite topics. Remember that narcissists believe that they are [...]

3. Getting out Says:
   November 26th, 2008 at 4:51 am

   This is a great blog, thank you! I have personal experience of a narcissist, at the moment I am still struggling to make my relationship work, but its difficult, as I think it always is with N…

4. Min Min Says:
   January 20th, 2009 at 3:10 am

   Marriage Counseling is effective when the counselor works with couples. It’s even better when the counselor specializes in dealing with narcissists!

5. amwh Says:
   March 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm

   My marriage broke up 20 years ago because a marriage counselor did not recognize my husband’s narcissism (I only recently realized it by reading about it.) She played right into his Oscar-worthy performances and let him dominate every session and it became obvious to me, as he quoted her often, that they spent quite a bit of time outside of our appointments - talking about ME and how terrible I was! I did not think marriage counselors were to give any appearance of exclusivity to either partner…Anyway, the games he played in that office were the torpedo that sunk out battleship. When we finally went to ONE counselor (out of 5!) who did not allow him to dominate and made him explain himself etc…HE GOT UP AND LEFT AFTER 15 MINUTES. And I never saw him again.

6. Jay Slupesky Says:
   March 14th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

   amwh - I’m sorry that you had to go through four bad marriage counselors before you found one who would stand up to your husband.

   As you found out, it’s not unusual for a narcissist to drop out of counseling when he finds out that the counselor is not going to take his side.

7. Fran Says:
   March 14th, 2009 at 9:18 pm

   I am currently going through a divorce after a 30 year marriage to a diagnosed narcissist. This is a man who held himself up as a conservative Catholic, great father, entrepreneur and best friend to everyone. The life of the party and always the center of any conversation. It was sickening to watch. Now that our 2 daughters are grown and out of the house, I left the family home and purchased my own home. He was very cooperative in the first 2 months of our separation, insisting that he needed to have a divorce prior to being able to date. We are still not divorced because I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. He has found a woman (I believe long before our actual separation) whom he has actually tried to arrange a dinner introduction to my daughter, son-in-law and my granddaughter. My daughter was insensed and refused the dinner. My other younger daughter is angered beyond her limits at his betrayal and lies. Also, I had to tell my daughters that I found their father in our marital bed with this other conservative Catholic woman. They had to understand the extent of his lies and betrayal. Needless to say it has been very difficult. My daughters plan to have separate conversations with their father about all the goings on this week of 3/16/09. Any recommendations that I can send their way? They already realize that he will attempt to blame me and anyone else in the immediate environment.

8. To Fran Says:
   March 21st, 2009 at 6:46 am

   Fran,

   I don’t have any advice, but I do want to let you know I’m praying for you. I’m married to a narcissist, and I don’t know what to do either. He has asked for a divorce, which has not been what I have wanted, but I’m not sure what will break through his self-delusion, and I’m not sure how to change myself to stop enabling it. He is masterful at rewards and punishment to get what he wants. Seeing that doesn’t mean I know how to address it. It may be that we end up divorced. I am praying for you, Fran.

9. RaiulBaztepo Says:
   March 28th, 2009 at 5:36 pm

   Hello!
   Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
   PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
   See you!
   Your, Raiul Baztepo

10. vanessa Says:
    March 31st, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Hi, Im in a 4 years relationship, the first year was marvellous, i was sweet, intelligent and so on (he was the same), then we start fighting because of his affairs with several girls and i was always the guilty one, still am. He says he is like “God” and special, he has this madness about becoming super rich, becaming the greateast man in the world.
    Almost all of the time i am criticised: he says he has light within and i have dark inside me…. even when he hits me i am the guilty one, i’m the one who caused the situation!!
    His mum is mad too she just shouts all the time, i think she has BPD, and he is abused by her until today. I started reading articles about narcissism today and i want to know how to tell my boyfriend he is a narcissist? How to convince him to go throught the sessions? I love him so much because he has his good side too; that’s why i’m seeking for help! Can narcissist people be treated? Can they change? Thank you!

11. Jay Slupesky Says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Vanessa,

    I’m very concerned because you say that he hits you. You should not have to be in a situation where your physical safety is threatened. I recommend you investigate alternative living arrangements. If necessary, look for women’s shelters in your area.

    -Jay

12. Sunny Says:
    April 2nd, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I have been married to a narcissist (as diagnosed by one of the counselor) for 6 years now. We went through counseling twice, didn’t help because he never believe what counselors said (he went into counseling to prove his is right and filter out any advice). He would change but not for long. He can snap anytime. The frequency is so unpredictable but I know for sure he will snap again. He claims he is / enjoys being unpredictable and do things according to his ‘emotion’. I often find myself depressed and in fear. I did not understand why I am always dumb and make bad decisions. To make my life easier / marriage better, I have learned and adopted some of his thinking. I thought I have strong will and able to handle him but I was wrong. Things do take time to evolve, including bad decisions. To ensure you sanity and quality of life, get out as soon as you are ready and possible. Be financially independent, self reliance, keep a good network of friends, and belong to a religious group if possible. Don’t miscalculate and have kids or you’ll cause further suffering for yourself and the kids. Good luck.

13. Freeatlast Says:
    April 8th, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Vanessa - GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I cannot tell you hard enough, loud enough, strong enough!
    Of course he has good sides - but does that mean you deserve the bad sides? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You must stop believing the lies he tells you about yourself, but as long as you stay with him you will not see reality as reality. My N demanded a divorce almost as soon as we got married. I was in disbelief! He was wonderful, I was wonderful (he said), and suddenly he wants to throw me away? Why? I never did understand why I couldn’t please him, and I nearly killed myself trying. (He used to say I never tried, finally just before the final split, I asked him to please say something, anything, good about me because I try so hard. He paused and replied, “Well,you do try sometimes, but it’s always the wrong thing!). But I hung on praying and praying…for 10 years and 2 kids. I knew once I had children I had to somehow stay married because I knew he’d try to take them too (everything is his). Not to mention he broke me down so much that I couldn’t even imagine how to make it on my own. Finally, he got his way and left a year and a half ago. I still do mental gymnastics trying to rid myself of his voice in my head chastising me, criticizing me. And we’ve settled nothing yet, because he won’t yield on anything. He is still hostile, angry because of course he deserves so much better. And I’ll be tied to him forever, forever controlling part of my life, because of the two dear children God blessed me with. If I were not a believer, I cannot imagine how I’d still be sane. Vanessa - you MUST GO NOW! RUN do NOT LOOK BACK - DO NOT RECONCILE…PLEASE VANESSA!!! Do not live in self-denial one more day. Because if you don’t find the strength to go, or at least act like you feel strong, but just do it, if not, you’ll look back on this day and truly grieve the loss of all the time you wasted on him. You’re young, and by that I mean that you are eternally optimistic because you haven’t experienced the end result of something like this yet, but others have and you must listen. It’s that important. Sorry I’ve scared you, but if you heed my warnings, then you’ve saved yourself. Only you can do it though Vanessa.

14. SSmith Says:
    April 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    WOW - so much to digest at one time. I just figured out after 8 years of marriage and 15 yrs of friendship that my husband is a narcissist. I am at a loss of what to do or if anything can be done. He has been much worse since returning from military service. I am at the point that I am actually trying to figure out who I am, so this is all fairly new. Is it possible to make marriage to a narcissist work?

15. lizzie Says:
    April 24th, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    WOW is right !! I’ve managed to stay married to one for 25years. I din’t figure it out unitl this year. He’s 46 now and it just kept getting harder and harder to handle him, and his excessive behavior. And now a midlife crisis, GOD give me strength. We have 2 children, and they think there dad is wierd, and unstable, got that right. I feel I have done and injustice to them by staying in this relationship, but feel if i leave that would be wrong too. My oldest understands and is just waiting for me to leave, the younger is scared to death of us divorcing. Hard place to be, not to mention that i have allowed myself to become completely finaical dependent on him. Big mistake !! Advise ? not sure i have any, but like everyone has said they are entertaining, usually of above average looks, and sometimes even seem like they actually love you. This to will pass, trust me.

16. florrie Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 6:36 am

    I’ve been with my husband (living together and married) for 35 years. He is a retired Navy physician and I am a scientist. He has always been controlling, and constantly nagging about my shortcomings. Everything is my fault. I jokingly say that if a meteor fell on our house, he would find a way to make it my fault. I’ve kept my own identity, bank account and job (thankfully) and am not completely under his thumb.

    I made sure our house was paid off before I retired last year. We had no credit card debt and about 125,000 on our home equity line of credit. We discussed this debt, and agreed that I would cash in my life insurance to pay it off. I did so and was ready to write a check to the bank, but he said to give him the money and he would pay it off when the next bill came in.

    I’m sure you can guess what happened. Not only did he not pay off the loan, he added to it! Now we are in debt about a quarter million dollars. He has used the money (he says) for his “business”. We are both retired and our income has fallen to about half of what it was. I thought we would be fine, since all our projections looked good and we had no debt.

    Now he refuses to show me the bills, keeps everything locked up, and won’t get a credit check to show me our debts. His complete denial that there is a problem is what frustrates me. And his constant lying about finances.

    I was in therapy for a few years, and he refused to go, saying (of course) that all our problems were my fault. The therapist said at that time that he had narcissistic tendencies. I’ve seen a new therapist and he says the same thing.

    I just cannot cope. I don’t want to leave him (I’m 65) and I don’t want to stay. All my choices are bad. I just don’t know what to do.

    F

17. sh Says:
    May 20th, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Hi. I really need some advice about getting married to a man, who I now know is a narcissist. We have been together for 3 years and the first year was bliss. He was attentive, adoring and seemed to be Mr. Right. As soon as we moved in together, it changed. He started to be demeaning, constantly telling me about what I was doing wrong and in general - just a jerk. He is very successful at work and I thought this was just a part of his arrogance. It annoyed me how he seemed to belittle people who didnt meet his standards, but I overlooked it because I was/am very much in love with him. I started to worry about things when I noticed his behavior and actions started becomming alarming. For instance, he would make rash decisions and impulsively make very large purchases without consulting me. I mean big purchases - like buying a brand new car and paying cash, buying a timeshare (actually 2), medical hair restoration, rolex, etc. When I would confront him on these things, he would say “it’s my money, I can buy whatever I want”. Everything is always about him. Everything is “his”, never ours….even our house. Because he paid the down payment on the house, he considers it to be his… although I pay half the mortgage and taxes! He always throws it up in my face that it is “his house”. Well, last year we were planning our wedding but I called it off because he wasnt changing and then he actually had an indiscretion while away on a work conference. I confronted him and he lied about it even though I actually had email proof between them. His lies were ridiculous. He would lie about everthing - even the dumbest things. He actually said it was my fault because I didnt give him the atention he needed. To this day, he blames me for his affair. Long story short, I called off the wedding and said we could only move forward if he agreed to couples counseling. We did 8 months of counseling (which he did not take seriously because “I was the one with the problem”). After counseling, things seemed better until December. I was laid off from my job bc my company closed. He actually seemed jealous and would say things like “I wish I could just not work and be off”. He left his job of 8 years to pursue another opportunity and actually quit that job after 2 days. Just quit - no other job lined up and I am not working. When I confronted him about it, again, he said “it has nothing to do with me - he wants to do something that makes him happy”. It seems that NOTHING ever satisfies him. I just cant believe how incredibily selfish it is for him to quit a job when I am not working and we are planning our wedding for the 2nd time!!!!! I have been researching NPD and he fits every single trait. I dont know if I should hang in there and be supportive until he finds another job or get out. Can people with NPD change? Should I suggest counseling again? Help!

18. Cristina Says:
    May 23rd, 2009 at 8:40 am

    This is my advice to SH …
    Please reconsider . I know (after 16 years of marriage and 2 children) that I would not have married my husband if I knew what I know now. There is such a thing as a man who is concerned with your well being as well as his. I have seen and envied many of my friend’s relationships with their husbands. They can talk about everything, share their dreams and fears, etc. I have longed for this kind of intimacy for soooo long. If I try to have my husband open up and be in touch with his feelings, he just has nothing to say. Or else he will start by blaming his parents and siblings for turning him into what he is now. I used to feel sorry for him and had a motherly instinct to protect him. But no more … he is 47 years old and still recounts all the ‘awful’ things that happened to him as a child. After checking with his siblings, it turns out that he has exaggerated and changed the stories of what really happened. I believe them, because at times I hear him telling stories of things that happened to him and in reality it is things that happened to me !! These fabrications (which he believes to be true) made me realize that his view of the world is distorted.
    You mention an ‘indiscretion’ … If he was unable to apologize and take responsibility for his actions now, he is very likely to do this again (in his eyes, its YOUR fault). What about when you have children ? If this (someone like your future husband) were your daughter’s fiancee, would you be thrilled or heart-broken ??
    Please get counseling , and not until you have, should you even consider going ahead with the wedding. It is easier to redo your life right now . Good luck !

19. jkd Says:
    May 30th, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    I have glanced over the above comments and find that I too am married to a narcissist. Same as many of the others above, the first few years of our relationship (now 17 years) were really great. We did everything together, travelling, biking, hiking, visiting family etc. I always knew that he grew a couple of marijuana plants in the basement of his house before we moved in together and I really don’t have that much of a problem with MJ although I can’t handle it myself.

    We were married about a year after moving into our house together and within a couple of years things started to go downhill. Several times a week he would sit all evening in the basement workshop with his friend drinking and smoking MJ until sometimes he could hardly talk. He always knew everything better and, as one of his long time friends put it, he remembers big (exagerates his accomplishments and knowledge). He’d get so drunk and stoned when we were camping that he could hardly walk from the picnic table into the camper. He’d have screaming temper tantrums when I didn’t agree with him or brought up things that he didn’t want to discuss.

    After about six or seven years of marriage I was ready to call it quits and often confided in my little border collie cross that we would leave one day soon.

    Then in Feb 2003, while we were at work, the extension cord that was used for the light to grow his MJ in the basement started a fire. As (bad) luck would have it (and nobody can tell me what happened), the monitored alarm system never reported anything and never went off. There was no real fire for over two hours but the smoke built up so much that our neighbour called the fire department when she happened to look out her kitchen window and saw smoke coming out of our roof.

    We lost almost everything in the house due to the smoke and water damage. My beloved dog was sleeping on the living room couch and never woke up. Additionally, because the fire inspector immediately recognized the plants and grow light for what they were, he had to tell the insurance adjuster what the cause of the fire was. No insurance because growing MJ is a criminal offence. No, you don’t have to be charged or convicted for the insurance companies to deem you guilty.

    Here’s where the odessy for me started. He refused to help me with anything because he was so depressed and guilty about the fire having been his fault. I had to find us a place to live for over seven months, deal with the restoration company to get our house rebuilt on the inside, get the financing and insurance before the rebuilding could start and I decided to engage a lawyer on our behalf against the insurance company. (I dealt with the lawyers for over two years.)

    I wanted him to do just one thing to help me with the house. While on our way to work one morning, I insisted that he call around to some alarm companies to get a couple of quotes. He didn’t go to work after I dropped him off, he tried to check into a local hospital as a suicide risk.

    The house has been done now for about 5 years now. He has “tried” to commit suicide again because he hated his job so much. He announced at my 51st birthday dinner, to my entire family, that he would be retiring (quiting his job) at 50, six months from then. He didn’t discuss it with me at all and had already signed all the paperwork with HR. He has now been running his own business for the last two years. I do almost everything myself, do my own hobbies, look in on my aging parents and even visit his parents on our behalf. We slept in the same bed, but haven’t had sex for about 4 years. (There’s a lot more, but you get the idea.)

    His business hasn’t really done all that well (only $17,000 in receipts in 2008) and he has converted our attached garage into an “office/workshop”. If he’s not in there he’s on the couch sleeping. I know he still smokes MJ every day. As part of doing our taxes, I discovered that he had been dipping into his line of credit to make up for his half of the mortgage, taxes and bills. When I first asked him about where the interest charges in his chequing account were coming from, he told me that he must have forgotten to pay his credit card a couple of times. I had to do some further digging to find that it was because he was taking money out of his line of credit.

    The final straw happened about three weeks ago when he wouldn’t tell me about something that he was working on with his brother which presumably would be offered as a service of his business. I finally had a conversation with him in which I wanted to know why he wouldn’t tell me about this idea. He basically told me to shut up and mind my own business. I then said that with his quitting his job and lying about taking money out of his line of credit and refusing to tell me about this idea with his brother was an issue of trust for me. Oh well, he did his usual histrionic performance. Called me the usual number of names, ran down my brother, my sister, my Dad and anyone else he could think of. He move all his stuff into the spare room and hasn’t really talked to me much since then.

    I have finally decided to separate from this selfish, self centered, lying, sneaking, childish person. I thought I would do it this weekend, however, (my latest excuse) have a number of commitments next week that I want to get over with. Then, next weekend I will make him read a letter I have written about how I feel. I have been to see a counsillor and have confided in my Mom and my sister. They have wholeheartedly endorsed my decision and say that he has changed over the past couple of years to be even more unpleasant than ever.

    I have done a lot of research and planning and want to make sure that everything is in place in case I have to leave for my safety. I don’t know what he’ll do when I tell him. The thing that absolutely bites the worst is that I was stupid enough to try to fix things for so long and that he is legally entitled to half of our assets including my pension that I have worked so hard for. He has cost us $100,000 because of the fire and about $50,000 in lost pension and savings because he quit his job. I am a born saver and have much more retirement savings than he does and he’s entitled to half of that too. After the fire I bought my clothes at Value Village and the Sally Ann thrift stores so that we could save more. It’s not always the man who pays when a marriage breaks up. He has cost me dearly and I just don’t want to look after him any more.

    Thanks for reading this. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this marriage for so long. Other people have seen that our situation is not good for a couple of years now. I should have done it a long time ago and yet, am still finding it very hard to tell him. To all of you who are in a similar situation, be strong for yourself!

20. another sh Says:
    June 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    RUN - DON’T WALK! And protect yourseld on the way out as much as possible without angering him. The only person you can change is yourself. Even narcissists have their good qualities and are often very charming. I have just divorced one after 20 years of marriage. He had every opportunity to put his family anywhere near the top of his priority list over the last 10 years, but chose not to. Therapy was a waste of ‘his time and money’. Kids were not a priority. All that ended up counting was him. He created great risk for our marriage, children and finances. It is difficult as a spouse and devasting as a child.

    This will only get harder for you - and the narcissistic need will continue to grow and devour, but never be satisfied. Love has nothing to do with this equation even though he may say ir or it may appear that he loves you. Narcisissim is a wrecking ball. I just wish I had gotten out sooner before so much damage was done. Fortunately, my kids get it and also realize that without a major paradigm shift, their dad is not capable of truely loving anyone but himself.

21. Duntryin Says:
    June 10th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    I have decided (for about the 5th or 6th time) to divorce my verbally and emotionally abusive husband. Of course, now, he is being the “perfect husband” and complying with my every wish in hopes that I will change my mind. But not this time. After three children and 13 years of his abusive behavior, I just cannot live like this anymore. I see it effecting our children in a negative way and that is where it stops. There is so much damage that has been done and I just don’t see anything changing my mind, including counseling. Our couple friends, his family and him suggest counseling. Am I a bad person if I don’t want to go to counseling? I don’t want to work things out with him. Been there, done that too many times. I feel the damage he has done is beyond repair. I have talked to a good friend of mine and she shed a little light for me on the counseling thing. She said it would be a chance for me to get out all my thoughts and express what he has done to me(emotionally and spiritually) in a neutral setting where he couldn’t twist everything up. He brainwashes my children and leads them to believe that “mommy wants daddy to leave”, crying to them and doing the whole “poor me” show. He knows that getting to the children will hurt me. He has used them on several occassions where he has assumed or accused me of things and before I even know there is a problem, my children come crying to me because “daddy is moving far away”. There are just so many things and I am so tired, so tired. I have to be a strong woman for my two daughters and my son and make sure they know how they deserve to be treated and how to treat other people. Nothing has ever been good enough for him. He treats me as if I am one of the children and holds me repsonsible for everything they do. He laughs at me like I’m stupid, implies I am a bad mother, either I am “big draws” meaning fat, or a “crackhead” and seems to think that if he had never came into my life, I would be a drunk and/or on the streets. And even though I am so incapable of anything(as he says), he still has me handle bills, house transactions (where he didn’t want me on title), his schoolwork. And wanted to roll his eyes whenever I talked about my business or any ideas I had like it was a bore. Anyways, I feel for you all and I guess what I just really wanted to find out is if counseling is even worth the time? And also, after he knows he has no chance of getting me back, I am afraid he will be dangerous. He has threatened and bullied and I am defenitely fearful. He has moved back to his parents while he pays the rent for the house the kids and I stay in, but I really feel its just another way to still have control over me. Of course, while he is playing “perfect husband”, its hard to tell what his true motives are. I also think its another way to try to make me look like the bad guy in all of this even though he is the one that stole my spirit. Thanks for listening and any advice is greatly appreciated. God Bless!

22. nickid Says:
    June 17th, 2009 at 9:25 am

    can i say how amazing and sad to read other comments of people suffering the same verbal/mental/physical abuse. I have been married 10 years, and although the verbal abuse and always being blamed for EVERYTHING has gone on for years, mine took a turn for the worse 2008, when i ‘went against the system’ and started doing things outside the circle, things that i wanted to do, that didnt include him. he has always been controlling in many ways, i lost me confidence in driving, if i wasnt in the right lane, or driving too slow the arguments would start (i wouldnt mind but he doesnt drive) in fact there wasnt much he could do, i payed all the bills, sorted out the maintenance etc. anyhow things took a turn for the worse last sep and there was an incident which involved my daughter pushing & shoving and i decided to leave the marital home. Its now 9 months on, i had counciling recently as we were thinking of trying to start again, but he reverted back to sort, my councilor suggested i look up narcissism, and thats what i did. When i researched it online, i cannot tell you how relieved i felt, knowing that i wasnt going mad, i wasnt to blame, etc…i now have to learn to be strong, every nasty situation is repaced with the pulling od the heart strings, i have told him its over, yet he’s not getting the messsage…we need to stay stong and say no…i will ask the same as everybody else and if anybody has an answer…can a narcisistic person change…be cured ????

23. Deneen Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 11:58 am

    I to was married to a narcissist…for 19 years. We are in “the throws” of a divorce as of this date. I just recently realized that narcissistic personality disorder is what I was dealing with on a day to day. That is bascially how you live…day to day. You pretty much walk on egg shells, deal with jekyl & hyde, flip of the switch temper, bragging, chip on shoulder 24/7, negativity and verbal abuse. Anyone involved with such a person get out as quick as you can. They never change or am open to therapy because they are always right and perfect, there is nothing wrong with acting the way they do. Save your sanity, your heart and your family……..

24. Anonymous Says:
    July 14th, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Narcissism is incurable. They are incredibly seductive, so you always end up going back. Just remember the bad times and fight. I’ve been with mine for twelve hellish years and am now separated. I can’t believe how much happier I feel.

25. nickid Says:
    July 23rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    re comment 14th july, this is my problem (the seduction) although i have seperated 9 months ago after 11 yrs together, i feel no further foward, each time he comes back after working away, brings a different character, i have a small child so we have to make contact. Last week he came back the charming nice man, and thats where i find it hard, feel i have made a mistake, feel sorry for him, until i look back on this website that makes me feel strong again, as it reminds me of what i have been thro’ you tend to forget the nasty side, when the good side appears !

26. hislovelywife Says:
    July 26th, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Wow! This week in marriage counseling I was asked to come alone. (Our Therapist is one of the most respected in our affluential County.) My husband had 2 sessions alone with this therapist by my choice the 2 weeks prior. Then the bombshell dropped..when I started talking to our marriage counselor he told what occured when I was not there. When my husband was asked what he wanted to achieve in marriage counseling or what he needed to work on my husband said ” I am only here because my wife needs to fix things she does.” Therapist explains 2 people are in a relationship and what did he think (he)my husband could change….my husband replied “NOTHING…I dont do anything wrong” I am just here to support her. Therapist asks him to take a percentage of responsibility in marriage issues my husband reluctantly agreed to 1%.
    IMAGINE MY SHOCK.
    This is not what he tells me at home. He continually plays Martyr, hides behind religion, is very sucessful….and treats me as a second class citizen. we both sold a house before marrying yet only after 7 yrs. would he add me to the deed because i threatened to leave. He was caught by me having a seperate account with all the money in it. He has numerous times put his needs above all of ours.
    I have a son with a disability and am now sick of it. My husbands self absorbtion has and will continue to harm my son
    IE: Not properly watching him or caring for him, not properly pursuing my sons education legally (as he is a lawyer)
    I am perplexed and have finally come to realize that as my therapist says I am there as the pretty arm charm that is it…recognizing the yrs of being treated as less than him has taken its toll…..I have never seen empathy or sympathy from him and it is all TOO much anymore…..Therapy continues we will see….

27. david Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    to hislovely wife…
    your ‘most respected therapist’ has broken client-counsellor confidentiality and therefore NOT credible on any theraputic level. i have enjoyed reading this site as narcissism interests me. i am a narrative therapist so i challenge labels.

28. sadie Says:
    August 17th, 2009 at 5:35 am

    I realised i was losing the battle but was fortunate to have separated emotionall from him a long time ago… good times were still good times, then realised that we could never be ‘normal’and that i was blamed for everything.. not a good enough house keeper, not a good enough mother, he was rude and mean, nasty to young children who would visit, etc etc etc I’m sure this is all familia.. yet through it all, amazed that when his behaviour was out of control I would admonish him… take sides against him.. even including a serious verbal attack he launched against a mentally disabled 7 year old whose mother and i lost a precious friendship because of this incident. I was blind to his inability to ever see his behaviour as aberrant. In Feb this year I had an epiphany… leaving him was not only essential to my mental health and financial survival (he never contributed to day to day expense… he was too broke from buying things for himself) but staying was harming my children. For years when things were good I’d rationalise that I could stick it out till the kids were older, after all why would I want to break up a family etc etc… until the moment that I realised that to stay in such an abusive relationship was actually harmful.. although my son is mad at me and he cannot understand why I left his daddy, his behaviour and attitude generally has improved out of sight because he is not living in a home where he is aware of how badly his needs for his dad’s company (dad would usually either sleep or be looking at porn or play solitaire on computer) were being ignored. They see each other now about once a week and they have quality time much more than when they lived under the same roof… my next dilemma is how to get him to leave the home (I have sold it and as we weren’t married - i’ve checked out my local laws, he is not entitled to anything as he contributed nothing) in the next few months without resorting to my instict to rescue him… any suggestions. i hope we all stay strong and find healing from this awful affliction…

29. jackie Says:
    August 18th, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    I so disagree with David - sometimes a client’s saftey may be over-riding. My own therapist - initially for both of us - did a similar thing. He told me the results of my (ex)husband’s personality assessment - it broke client confidentiality BUT he told me to help me get out. I had never heard of NPD - was suffering abuse trauma from trying to ‘manage’ the relationship. The therapist told me exH was a ‘raging’ narcissist and deeply disturbed and his advice was to get out as quickly as possible. He stated that in 23 years of giving couples counseling he had on 4 or 5 occasions come across a relationship where one person needed to leave and this was such an occasion.
    I took his advice and now 2 years after the divorce (only 4 years married and no kids) and still trying to get my financial settlement I am so grateful for his honesty and he has helped me enormously - I had never heard of trauma bonding. Having read some of the posts here with women still trying to make it work with an NPD person and professing love for their partners I understand all too well how trauma bonding works.

30. david Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 2:49 am

    jackie,
    if you read carefully ‘his lovely wife’ was not in any danger and the information given does not warrent breaking confidentiality. i totally agree to break it if there is risk of harm to others, self or court ordered. these are the legally and professionally binding agreements i have agreed to adhere to as a cousellor in NZ belonging to the New Zealand Assoc of Counsellors. you may have disagreed with me from within you own personal narrative. again, i agree with you on your point to break confidentiality should there be risk of harm to others. oh and by the way its totally ok to disagree, i would never force my opinion on to you. peace all.

31. Run away... Says:
    August 28th, 2009 at 10:14 am

    I don’t see any point in trying to fix things with a narcissist unless there are children in the equation, and even then, I really wonder whether or not it’s better to have at least one emotionally healthy parent, rather than two unhappy ones performing the codependent/narcissist death dance…

    I dated a narcissist for a year and a half. I am someone who bootstrapped my way to success. She was born into wealth and beauty. I have never been unhappier with someone in my life and yet felt so trapped in feeling if only I could say or do the right thing, it would all fall into place. To be upfront, I probably have a low degree of histrionics going on with myself as I came from an alcoholic family, but I’ve owned that and I continue to own that going forward.

    In contrast, she pegs 8 out of the 9 signs of narcissism without breaking a sweat. And to be honest, some of those signs I could tolerate as quirks because I’m not perfection embodied either, but the lack of empathy is a real deal-breaker. And that’s the one that makes a slight codependent like myself so damned miserable as you watch your partner do uncaring thoughtless things you wouldn’t do in a million years because you feel so much like her caretaker and partner hoping only for the same in return. Which of course will not and cannot ever happen. After a year and a half, she broke up with me in the middle of a conversation about a rock concert that had just been cancelled. I was devastated. I suspect she just moved on to her next target the next day.

    The upside is that having addressed the histrionic bits within, she brutally exposed my codependency issues and now I need to address that.

32. The Baby Says:
    September 24th, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    HELP! I have been married 6 years to a man that rarely admits guilt and when he does it is MAJOR DEPRESSION. Should I stay or should I go we have started marriage coubseling for the second time, in addition we are both seeing individual therapist as well, is there a chance in hell that my self abosbed successful husband can be a good husband? At first he tried to say i was Borderline Personality Disorder, however, he is now studying NPD, however, instead of recognizing his behavior he is going to get back to being himlf. Is he just setting me up? He constantly says that I am stupid, and that he cannot have a intellectual conversation with me, and that I babble. Fortunately, my husband is successful, should I run & let him have everything? I have not worked since we were married because we both wanted me to be a stay at home mom, luckily, we have not been able to have children, I guess this was a blessing in disguise.

33. gene Says:
    October 5th, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Not having children is a blessing. Can a partner be a good husband if he calls you stupid and treats you like this? Marriage is a partnership, equal, mutual. Get a good attrny and run too! I have been married for over 23 years to a narcissist and am just realizing it. Purchased a book today called disarming the narcissist. will learn more, but every one here has already stated every situation I have revisited dozens of times in my marriage…I too am exhausted, thinking if I just tried one more time, one more thing, he would understand what I’m feeling…but it doesn’t work. He’s right, I’m wrong, and I’m sorry! What’s worse is the chldrn…They are torn…they hate being with Dad, but they want to have a normal family. Kids want to love their parents, they feel loyal, but hate what they are thinking inside their own minds, which is how can I escape this craziness? good luck, your not stupid, but don’t stay…I wish I had left earlier, but I stayed for the kids’ sakes. Now some of them are teens, and it’s even harder with their hormones because some days they hate me for ‘destroying the family’.

34. GG Says:
    November 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am

    I am here today. I am in the throws of this NPD with my new husband. We haven’t even been married a year…although we have been together for almost four now. I truly blame myself, as I knew there were serious issues. Yet, I constantly made excuses for them. The first year (he was married with three children and I was going through a divorce from a 17 year marriage) he had an affair with me. I had not done anything like that before. I believed he had not either. We were just madly in love and found a bliss that was breathtaking. We traveled, laughed and talked for hours. It was so romantic and he was so overwhelmingly giving to me. Gifts, time, affection and words of praise. I felt so lucky to have met such a wonderful man! He left his wife and kids that live a few states away from me, moved in with me and my two kids and we began our relationship. She filed for the divorce about a year later , not him. I think he always wanted to leave that door open if she would allow it. Our relationship seemed to unravel quickly. He was tight with a buddy and his buddy’s wife. They did things together, including vacation, without me. I became the outsider. He moved out, moved to their neighborhood and began a questionable relationship with his buddy’s wife. He claims she made passes at him (which I believe she did, because I’ve seen her in action and she flirts with everyone. She tells my husband (and some other people) that she and her husband haven’t had sex in three years). We broke up for about 6-7 weeks. Whatever they did while we were apart is unclear. But it scared him enough to call me and want to come back. She was pissed and called his ex wife to talk. He came back to me. Again, he was so charming to me and asked me to marry him. I thought that the past was the past. I thought we were both experiencing the issues and drama from a divorce. We had both been married to our previous spouses for 17 years. It was tramatic. We were treading emotionally new ground. I believe I understood his actions during our breakup. I accepted the unknown of his relationship with his buddy’s wife. I said yes. He roller coaster-ed his desire to actually get married. I pressed the issue, as I felt we knew by then that all we had been through meant we were to be together. He wanted a prenup before he would marry, as his previous wife gets life time alimony. The day prior to our wedding, I was at his attorney’s office signing a prenup. We got married. He moved into my house with me and my two children. He lease/optioned his condo that he had been living in. He has been in this house for 11 months. The drama, egg shells, anger, selfishness, money hungry, games, trama, calling his mother and talking for hours about our personal relationship, wanting me to sign something to give him rights to this house, being cold to my children, finding fault in me, my kids, my family …and everything else is too much. He took a two week trip on his job. He doesn’t stay in touch (6 calls in 11 days.. where we talk about him and his problems, with a perfunctionary “what did you do today” thrown in). There is no compassion, romance, feeling or life in our relationship. The lease/option on his condo ran out. The guy is not buying it, so it will be available for him to move back into ….as if our marriage never existed. I believe he is calculating now how he will leave. There is no effort being made to stay. We have been (separately) to a counselor a couple of times. When I asked to go together, he comments that the counselor will see things his way. He doesn’t give any indication that he is going for us, but rather to convince the counselor that he is right. Yes, I had an affair with a married man (him). God has more than punished me for that choice. When I say NEVER again, I promise God and myself that! My children have suffered from watching such a disturbing relationship. Even in the worst of times from the divorce from their father, it was never as twisted as my current (less than one year) marriage is with this man. Whoever is out there and dealing with similar issues, I welcome your words of wisdom and clarity.

35. MA Says:
    November 9th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Hi, The narcisstist will never own up to his/her destuctive behavior and it’s impact on the marriage and the family.
    I separated after 24 years of marriage. My children, then 15 and 17, told me in the immediate aftermath and continue to say 4 years later that I should have left earlier. Our household is now a peaceful and predictable place. Do you really want to be having that conversation with your children? I feel guilty for putting them through all this.

36. Rick Says:
    November 30th, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    My wife and I have been married for 28 years. I don’t know why I have been so slow to research and realize that she is probably a narcissist. In 28 years, she has never apologized - no matter how hurtful or how wrong she has been. She always twists any situation around to be the fault of others - usually me. She can talk and talk about herself, her work, how she looks, etc. but glazes over the instant I begin to talk. She becomes almost violently angry if I confront her with an irrefutable error. i.e. if she has done something obviously wrong and I don’t let her blame someone else. She continuously cuts me down - every chance she gets. I avoid telling her any news … good or bad because she finds a way to hammer me with it. And it is never, under any circumstances, acceptable for me to get angry with her. She demonstrates extreme double standards. While she feels entirely justified in criticizing me continuously, it is never acceptable for me to be even a little bit critical towards her. Her behaviors seem to be getting worse. I am going to suggest counseling, but guarantee she will not go. Is it even worth while to tell her I believe she is a narcissistic personality disorder?

37. Rachel Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Wow!!! This is MY life.

38. Dakota_Red Says:
    December 12th, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Yep, it’s my story as well. Now that I have a name for it I should go back and tell the professionals that soaked me for years as I spiraled into darkness almost losing all, what that term is. However, an angel pointed me in the right direction and the rest will be up to me. That is all I need.

39. Ky girl Says:
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:04 am

    Married 24 years to a narcissist. Always had big plans that never worked out. First an army officer, then put him through law school, hated practicing law didn’t manage the money or office. Went back for Masters Degree to teach. 2 or 3 years of that, now starting a govt. contract job overseas. Left me and our 2 kids for another woman who is “my total opposite” he says. That would be someone who didn’t allow him to pursue every hobby, job, interest or toy he wanted. We have no savings or retirement. I have been the perfect background wife. I looked good on his arm, never argued, agreed with his “bad luck” and mistreatment by others. I covered up our financial problems for him. He lied all through the marriage and told me he loved me up to being caught. He did love me but he found someone new who breathed new life into his ego and realized he had been missing that. I still want him back because I love who I want him to be, not who he is. Figuring out narcissism will be a road to recovery for me I hope

40. MM Says:
    December 21st, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Hi, we never visit my family, only his. there are always multiple reasons why do not. He at times makes me feel unconfortable because he ingores what I say and then complains that I become a b________> After you have asked someone a dozen times about anything and they ignore you or take their time in doing something. He shows anger, instead of empathy.

    deep down afraid to leave him because retaliation in usually an obscure way. We never discuss mutual goals in a cooperative manner. He likes to have his way most of the time.

    worried,
    should I be excessively worried or should I be.
    He makes me confused

    Thanks,
    MM

41. brigitte Says:
    January 1st, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Where a therapist is sure about one partner having a severe NPD it is responsible to inform their partner and support them in leaving. There are only degrees of destructiveness in trying to have a relatonship with an NPD.It also is ethical for helping the NPD partner the therapist working towards ending the relationship. Ultimately the NPD doesn’t have a positive experience either as he realises he is continually seen as wanting feeling compeled to defend himself. And as cruel a NPD may be there are a whole lot of relationship areas that they are just deficient in, unable to even understand fully what or how to sustain meeting others needs. Secondly the more limited the time frame is and the less combined rescources the less the NPD ends up loosing in any settlement once a break up occurs - compare 4 yrs& no kids to 15 yrs and 3 kids in regard to post break up costs.
    Therapists may need to work on harm minimisation where they can see the partner of an NPD is unable to leave the relationship at that point in time.
    Finally with a NPD client there is not any point in telling them their diagnosis, rather identifying the traits and issues that arise with these with some suggestions in modifying the degree of their severity

42. the graduate Says:
    January 17th, 2010 at 8:51 am

    hmm codependantnarcissist dance of death, I like that.
    23 years with a narcissist. we never married but had 2 boys - I emigrated with him to his country where I have zero entitlement despite all that time together - I opted to stay together for the kids and spent 15 years helping to run our sorry his business and live in our sorry his house and drive our sorry his cars.we earnt the start up capital together before we left. nothing is in my name and had I left, his solution was each of us to take one of the boys - they were 11 and 12 at the time. Same old story - everything my fault so now that our sons are 20 and 21 still at home and at local uni I can leave everything and he ‘might pay my rent if he can afford it’. 2 years ago after endless arguments over how to run the business and what investments to make he told me he just ‘wanted me to be his shadow’. I pulled out and took a low paid job at a newspaper which I am told I am very good at (obviously not by him - his version is that I am a traitor who has sabotaged the business despite the fact that I persuaded his cousin to take my place to help him unbeknown to him as he would probably not have agreed if it was my idea.) During the last year I have lived with constant anxiety, started smoking again after 17 years of having given up but am slowly gaining confidence and coming out of a horrible period of fear and emotional stress. I used to tell myself that he didn’t mean what he said, that I could fix things, that it was cultural, that we were a good team, that we had created a great business and great kids, that he had jealousy issues, that i was a failure blah blah. Then I found out about npd thank god and it all fell into place - still struggling with the codependency bit and how the hell I stranded myself lock stock and barrel though and how it has affected my sons. My instinct was to cut and run but my therapist warned me that I could have heavy bitterness issues later about poverty and justice so I stuck it out. Not sure what for as a vague offer of rent if possible will just be another control issue.
    What changed things for me was finding out that I had hepatitis C at a medical and undergoing a gruelling 12 month medication. He also has it (from intravenous drug use and gave it to me).
    He insisted that I take the treatment first although he has had it longer but his zero empathy left me isolated in my room. I realise now he is a kind of emotional cripple but at the time I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t look after me, is too macho to even make me a cup of tea, and took it for granted that i would continue to work until I was so hostile, depressed and anaemic that i ceased to be a company asset. I honestly think that the only reason he hasn’t kicked me out (although he threatens to do it all the time) is because he would look bad and a failure to his family and the small community in which we live. Now the blame guilt cycle we lived so long doesn’t phaze me anymore and we are living 2 separate lives in the same house. Actually we always did live separate lives but mine was in his sphere before, now it isn’t. No surprise he has never read a single one of my articles but wants me to write about his busines problems as he is involved in 3 big court cases against the government. It is a hard decision to make to leave as I have made my life and friends in another country and don’t want to leave but will have to move out of the area and face a single life at the age of 56 on the breadline. My whole life has been tailored around staying local to the village and I will have to move into town away from everyone I know and the coast and countryside and people where I have made my home. That’s why I call myself the graduate, so I don’t feel that I have lost or wasted my life, only graduated. Two bouts of narcissistic rage in the last 24 hours see me in my room on my laptop staying out of his orbit. I used to think that he was telling me to go to make me stay but I think I was wrong - I really am surplus, obsolete, a malfunctioning machine in his eyes. I worried and stressed about my sons leaving home but it looks as if I will be the one who goes. No one who has not been there can understand the depth of verbal and emotional abuse and recrimination, anxiety and lack of confidence that this situation creates. He is positively radioactive when things don’t go his way and has told me he that the reason he can’t stand to socialise as a couple is because I take attention away from him. He fantasizes about power and is obsessed with domination, wishes he was super rich and surrounded by adoring beauties, soaks up discovery channel to be the expert on everything and monopolises every conversation, waits for me or my sons to do something so he can tell us how we could do it better or how we did it wrong, refuses to take treatment for his illness and now watches HD TV every moment he is at home until he falls asleep in front of TV.
    He has always refused to even consider counselling as I am the one who is crazy and says that he can replace me and this will solve all his problems. So fellow sufferers its a familiar story.
    Leap and the net shall appear (as long as its not a narcissistic one) lol. Thanks to everyone for sharing - if you are in this situation you really need to be validated to be able to go and also to be aware of why you got into it in the first place when most would have run a mile within 24 hours. By the end of the story, living on the breadline really is a far easier and less emotionally exhausting option. At least you know where you are and don’t have to justify EVERYTHING you do or how you do it or watch your friends be frozen out or demonised, or be humiliated in front of them.

43. kj Says:
    February 8th, 2010 at 7:22 am

    It is sad to see so many people suffering from bad relationship patterns. However, what no-one has mentioned or considered is what is driving you to be attracted to a narcissist? Why are you attracted to them? And why do you put up with it? At some level there will be a part of your mind getting a benefit from it.

    It is incorrect to say that a narcissist can not change. However, they won’t because you want them too, but because they want to. And importantly, they won’t if they don’t have the right tools for the job to make those changes. Both narcissistic behaviour and the behaviour of someone that attracts a narcissist are programmes stored in the subconscious mind. Counselling works with the conscious mind, which is why it’s unsurprising that many of you are not seeing the changes you’d like. Proper hypnosis therapy is the correct way to make these changes quickly and effectively. It is a shame it is not more popular in the US.

    If your partner doesn’t want to change, there is nothing you can do to force them. Why would they want to? What is the benefit to them as they’re getting their own way and getting away with it? The way to make a change is to change yourself and change that programme that attracts, puts up with and feeds the narcissist. It is amazing that when you change on a subconscious level, how other people’s reaction to you change too.

44. Leslie Says:
    February 18th, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Hello. I have been married to someone with NPD for 21 years. His mother also has it. I would like to change myself on a “subconscious level” to see if it will affect my husband in a positive way. My kids are almost grown and out of the house. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. I fantasize about living separately and just going out together and enjoying each other’s company when he is “doing well.” I’ve accepted that I will never have a relationship that resembles a healthy and loving union and I truly can live with that. I just wish I could live on my own so I wouldn’t have to listen to the yelling, the verbal abuse, etc. I am so glad to be enlightened about this disorder. It has liberated me a great deal. I, too, spent years trying to “earn” his approval, but gave up about 6 years ago or so when I told myself I would just give it until the kids were gone. I don’t want another man, but I do want to live in peace. Please some advice on books that would help me understand why I was attrracted to this type of person, and what I can do to try and deal with it. I don’t feel divorce is what will solve my problem, personally.

45. karen Says:
    February 21st, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    narcisscist live in boyfriend of one year, doesn’t seem to want to leave although i have asked him to look for a place. He is not generally abusive, although indifferent to how I feel, and does virtually nothing around the house. I still love him, I think, but
    I don’t want a lifetime of this. I’m working hard to be financially independent of him, so I don’t have to have him here for financial reasons. He honestly does not contribute much money to the relationship either.appeals to caretaking codependent side of me since he seems so helpless. Anytime we go out which is rarely, I have to pay. could use some support.

46. JR Says:
    March 9th, 2010 at 6:53 am

    As someone that has been married 14 years with someone that I now believe probably has NPD, I need to say to everyone who dating someone similar is: RUN.

    This is as good as it gets, and it can and will get worse. Because after investing years of emotional, intellectual, physical, economical and psychic energy, you can get to the end of the road where you’re used up.

    Don’t wait until you’re economically tied, have children, and have no energy to run. There is nothing at the end of that rainbow except your pain. Save yourself.

47. Clobbered C Says:
    April 7th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years and I just recently became aware that so many of her behaviors are consistent with NPD.

    I would divorce her in a heartbeat except for two little problems: yup, you guessed it, we have 2 small children.

    I love these kids dearly and I am terrified of what would happen to them as a result of 1) the divorce itself, and 2) my wife’s effect on them without my being there to temper her craziness (i.e., joint-custody).

    Any advice on how to hang in there until the youngest is 18 and off to college? (Twelve years away.)

    I know that I screwed up by not marrying wisely (I let my hormones rule my decision); but I do not want to screw up my children’s lives by abandoning their needs. The children come into this world innocent and guiltless and assume that they will have a loving daddy and loving mommy there to raise and guide them. I understand that my wife and I have a corrupted relationship, but at least we are THERE, there at home for them.

    [I think my wife developed NPD as a result of her own father divorcing her mom when my wife was 12....the father she absolutely adored....and she has never come to terms with it.]

    [Bizarrely enough, my wife has threatened divorce many many times, but has not taken action because I told her I won't allow it. As if I could really stop her.....]

48. Karen Brown Says:
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Does a narcissist change. Is there any hope that my lovely hurtful, fabulously nasty husband will change……any?

49. andrea roberts Says:
    May 23rd, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    why should and must a husband and a wife give each others shames with problems i mean iam not even married or have a boyfriend at the moment. so lonely depressed empty sad miserable i could continue the whole day. of my feelings and you both have each other and dont no how to behaved what a shame that is. can do things together go places together. shower together eat together sleep togetherwow imagine in the same bed together at night time. while i at the other hands have do every single thing all by myself uh what damn life. kindly grown up please marriages isnt something to play around with ok.

50. growing day by day Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    to andrea

    that’s a nice fantasy and i hope you find it, but i more genuinely still hope that you continue to believe what you said - that will mean you have never had to endure what we have endured.
    but you are categorically wrong!
    until you have had to live with every single decision and action you take, even the most loving and supportive ones, turned into “why you suck and i rule” - until you have had to listen to your husband explain for 4 days why it was your 3 year old daughter’s fault that he shoved her to the ground - until you have watched the day to day that includes every single piece of reality open to his interpretation to suit what kind of mood he is in that day or what goal he is trying to reach… sometimes altering several times within a 10 minute span, and been told until you start to believe it that nothing you think or remember is correct - until you have poured your heart and soul into helping a fellow human being heal, only to constantly be belittled, criticised, yelled at, manipulated, and then constantly told that none of this happens, and there is something wrong with you…
    well, this is abuse plain and simple, and it destroys.
    you begin to doubt your abilities, your intellect - there is a REASON that it is called “crazymaking”
    i dearly hope that you never have experience with one of these people. it changes you!
    god forbid that you actually marry one.

    yes, being alone is difficult and has its challenges, but you still have yourself. that is what the narcissist does - destroys you. systematically and on purpose to serve their own selfish ends.

    please don’t put down those who are strong enough to recognize that you cannot be any good for anyone else if you have no self to start from!

51. Paulette Says:
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I just went to Mediation in Placer County. My ex talked with the mediator beforehand and then stayed after to “chat” more, of course abotu how “emotionamlly unstable” I am. Thing is he is a Narcicist. The mediator actually said the exact same words as antoher female marriage counselor to me, so I know he put them in her mouth. She said, “Look at him, how could anyone think there’s a problem with a man who looks like him.” Then, after talking amost exclusively to him (I spoke only at the end and he interriupted me repeatedly) she put into the report that I was so disruptive I prevented him from speaking the entire time. She also gave him back the custody he surrendered to get access to my assets.

    She was angry because he convinced her to let him “tell me” when and where the meeting was supposed to be. This is a man who has repeatedly told me he intends to kill me. But she made a snide remark about me “being good about coming given I was afraid of him. So many women counselor think they are above the power of a narcicist, but he feeds their ego and they get all cooperative with him and do whatever he wants.

52. Confused Says:
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I have just spent hours reading all these posts. Today, it started with severe feelings of guilt and confusion on my part after having a fight with my husband on the eve of a dangerous job for him. I then spent hours trying to get back in touch, finally managed and all I wanted to do is to calm the situation and ensure his safety. Now I have spent the day “searching my heart.” I have even done such foolish things as type in phrases such as “how do I know what’s in my heart” into search engines. It is absolutely pathetic but above all just heartbreakingly sad. I am an educated woman and have raised a child on my own. Now I have been going to see a counselor for nearly eight months and it does help but the truth is that I often feel I need to find the courage to leave this relationship. but whenever I get close to the reality of it I am frightened. It’s hard to describe with full accuracy and truthfulness what I am so frightened of. I have been reading about co-dependency. I have been reading about all kinds of problems, relationship patterns, childhood issues and addiction issues. (We have just survived four years of active addiction on my partner’s side). I know I am frightened of making a mistake: is it that I cannot forgive, that I’m holding on to grudges and to bad things that happened (as my husband says)? Am I truly that devoid of generosity? I often feel that my husband is a very, very interesting and capable person and still feel the pull that initially attracted us to each other. But now I am afraid that it is all so very unhealthy. There is a great disparity in income and assets between us, but I have enough to survive and have much more modest needs, with which I am completely content. So it is not a fear of not being able to fend for myself that holds me back. Over the last two years, we nearly lost everything because of emotional issues between us and the addiction and at that time I felt I could not turn my back on him. Now he is doing fine. He has made a full come-back at work and is recovering. I, on the other hand, am floundering and struggling. I keep trying to listen … to hear what is in my heart. It is as if my heart has gone silent. Deaf and dumb. The only time I feel my heart is when it beats and threatens to jump out of my chest from anxiety. My counselor has asked me whether I am living an authentic life. It really hit home: no, I cannot say that I am living an authentic life. On top of everything else my body has shut down. My husband wants to be intimate but I can no longer imagine it. It is not at all that he is unattractive, he’s very attractive, but it is like the ’spirit’ or ’soul’ of it is no longer attractive to me. I am at a place where I cannot envision ever being intimate again. After so many years of ‘unworthiness’, this seems to be the final straw. On top of everything else I have now discovered that my husband has corresponded and ’set up a booking’ with a very high-end escort service. Initially I thought: well, I cannot blame him. Poor man, he wants to be intimate with me and I am not responding. But as the days passed somehow this also just doesn’t feel right instinctively. Most of the time I feel that very, very few situations are truly black and white, where one is all wrong and the other is all right. I really think that is extremely rare. So I am able to see and feel that my husband in his own way is meeting his needs. I know I am withholding myself for the first time in my life because I am completely depleted emotionally and physically. Of course, this has a big impact on his quality of life. But while my ‘heart’ seems to have gone silent, my instincts seem to be screaming all the time. There is a lull and then my intuition tells me, demands for me to pay attention, that once again something is just not right. Inconsistencies, unreasonableness, blame of others all the time, excessive praise of me alternating with excessive verbal attacks and blame and shaming. I am so sad, so lost. My mind knows what to do most of the time but I seem to be paralyzed from putting that into action. My heart goes out to all the misery and heartbreak I have encountered in this post. I would be so grateful for someone to respond. It is helpful to read these comments: perhaps in some way we can all, anonymously, help each other find perspective, rational understanding and the courage to act accordingly.

    Best to Everyone!

53. GotAChance Says:
    July 3rd, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    I left my narcissistic husband after 19.5 years of marriage late last year. We have a 16 year old son. It has been hard and yet, it was one of the best things I ever did. All of the things you have read above, no empathy, everything wrong is always someone else’s fault, nothing is ever really right were all present. I felt like I had lost myself. It took three years of therapy to give me the strength to leave. The straw was him leaving my son and I at church one day because I would not say what he wanted me to say. The funniest thing was the look on his face when I asked him if all of those times he threatened me with consequences if I didn’t do what he wanted if he believed that consequences only happened to other people, not to him. Obviously, the answer was yes.

    The money part has not been easy, but I have survived - my needs are not excessive since appearances are not all important to me. The divorce is almost final, the odd behavior is escalating. Most recently I was informed by him that, even if he has behaved badly with malicious intent, I should work collaboratively with him and trust what he says. Can you say LOL?

    I sleep now, without medication, for the first time in years. I can come home and be happy, not walking on eggshells. I can disagree with him and he cannot follow me around the house hounding me. He tried calling me in the middle of the night once - I threatened to get a restraining order and that stopped.

    I know that I am still recovering and that it will be years, but I can be happy and content now. I can also help my son - something that is really hard to do if you must give all of your attention to the narcissist. If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person and want to know if it is worth it to leave, the answer is yes, absolutely. I have found myself again.

54. Calm Says:
    July 9th, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Peace and Calm is what I dream about. I moved out after 16 years of marriage. A couple of years ago I realised that I could never satisfy this man no matter how hard I tried and i mean i bent over backwards to make him happy and nothing was ever good enough. If i asked for a night off sex i would get screamed at that he hadn’t had a night on because it was never long enough, passionate enough etc etc. I tried so hard to get his approval even after all the yelling. I started slowly to learn to say no and to not go out of my way to please him. This upset him even more so i had to be so careful. Eventually he started getting help from a counsellor because he supposebly really loves me and wants nothing more than for us to have a wonderful marriage. The counsellor did manage to help him with is anger issues a little and he improved a lot but then he started with the “I have changed so much for you and you haven’t done anything to change”. Every 3 days or so he would scream at me to make a decision to either be in this marriage or don’t be here. He would want to know if I had made a decision yet. This is all the while we were still being intimate but nothing was enough. He had strippers in his motel room once while away (found a video of it). I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t because he said he did nothing wrong and I was made to feel like it was my fault. I wanted to leave then but couldn’t bring myself to because of the kids. I told him this. This is when he started to threaten me to either start making him feel wanted or dont be in this marriage.

    So I left 5 months ago. He was shocked because I don’t think he thought I would go. He wants me back and has even gone so far as to say sorry after a lot of probing from me, but I know it is not what he really feels because everytime I ask him nicely to explain why he thinks he may have made some mistakes he tells me I have hurt him deeply and goes into a mood.

    He threatens me, makes me have to leave, wants shared care of the kids, wants me back and won’t even admit what he has done wrong. He just wants me to move back with no explanation. I don’t think he has changed but I feel for the kids. With shared care they are back and forth and don’t have a permanent home. I would prefer him to have them every second weekend and half the holidays. All I want is what is best for the kids. The kids would prefer to stay with me longer. He doesn’t know this and if i ask if he would consider a different arrangement he just accuses me of wanting to take the kids from him.

    My kids say they are happier now and when I say that I might move back to dad they say they don’t want me to because at least they have a week of peace every couple of weeks. They lived on egg shells too. They say that when ever they hear his truck coming home they feal sick and i know what they mean.

    I feel as though I am still trapped because I feel so guilty for the kids and I am still playing to his tune. He has been so nice and I keep thinking maybe I am being unfair to try to get him to explain why he thinks things will be different if I come back. I have told him that I dont think I will change, that i do what i can under the circumstances. That if he is happier with me then things might get better but I cannot show him real intimacy if he is screaming at me every few days to love him more.

55. CMH Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    OMG, My divorce is finally final after two years and almost 20 years of marriage and 7 years dating before that. I am blamed for the national debt, global warming, BP oil spill… I fell for his schmoozing, hoover maneuver and lies forever. No more. I caught him texting multiple women round the clock. One of them was a “stalker” who he cheated on me with from over two decades ago. Run, don’t walk. Plan, prepare, take everything you can. You will be denied everything, blamed for everything… A never ending nightmare… Don’t engage, don’t enrage, RUN!!!

56. NotSureHowToeExit Says:
    July 18th, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    I am married to a narcissistic man for 10 years now. He has a constant need for attention and admiration. He is constantly exagerrating his accomplishments and often takes credit for others. He has no problem quitting his job and forcing me to take financial responsibility for us. His family has lots of excess cash and he has no problem accepting money from them to pay our bills even if we have money to do it ourselves. He then uses our bill money to eat out 4 - 5 days a week, I join him not because I want to but because I know he wants company. When he recently started a new job that has excellent health insurance he refused to add me to the policy because he would have to pay a higher premium, however, I have always covered him on my insurance regardless of the cost because I always had the better coverage. 3 years ago he convinced me that it made since financially for us to move in with his mother (who was having financial difficulty) in her house while we saved for our own house. This arrangement was only suppose to be for 1 year. I now realize he wanted us to move in with his mother so he could have more spending money and would not have to find a better paying job to help cover our expenses. To make matters worse his mother is just as narcissistic as he is. I don’t know what to do. I am having surgery in a few weeks and will need his support while I recover. I don’t know what to do in terms of getting out. Every time I decide to leave he gets a little better and I stay. I have told my friends, without going into detail that I am leaving several times. They all seem to think I am unhappy because he was rebound from a previous boyfriend. We have no children and he is not physically abusive so I don’t feel right trying to go to a shelter for abused women. I really don’t have any friends or family I could stay with as they have their own issues to deal with. Until we got married I was always the stable person that everyone else turned to for financial and emotional support. I was always very athletic and smart and outgoing. I had a very promising career that I was working on and about to venture into my own business at the same time. I am now physically unhealthy, self conscious, financially ruined, lonely and unsure of where to turn. Never in a million years did I ever think one person could have this kind of negative impact on me. I find myself walking on eggshells and holding my tongue when he is around because I don’t want to set off a temper tantrum because I did not praise him or agree with some idiotic rant he has about someone else’s inferiority. This man is 37 going on 17. How do I get out when I need him more than he needs me?

57. StillTrying Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 4:48 am

    I have (foolishly?) tried to introduce the topic of narcissism to my wife, thinking that through education and awareness, she might begin to see her behavior, care, and then we can move toward a better life, coping constructively with issues. When narcissistic behavior occurs, my hope is that we recognize it for what it is, laugh, and constructively deal with it. I can tolerate and forgive much, but for some reason the lack of acknowlegement of her behavior is something that I cannot stomach. Simple recognition would really help me cope.

    Problem is, she refuses to discuss and gets very defensive, disturbed and angry whenever I attempt to open a dialog about specific behavior and how we can improve things in our marriage and family. The typical response is “There is nothing wrong with me or what I do, you are the problem” and on and on about my faults. After patiently listening and responding to my deficiencies, and trying to circle back around to the behavior I want to discuss the tirade against me continues. She uses many tools (redirection) to avoid these discussions, to the point where I have nearly given up all hope of things changing.

    We have had several marriage counselors in the past, but whenever we get to the point where the focus is on her behavior and her seat starts to get warm, she tries to redirect the focus back to me, and if pressed to focus on herself, will state that “this counseling is going nowhere” and quits. The counselors have identified the narcissism, shrug, and say “well, if she isn’t willing to face her behavior and cooperate in trying to make changes, there is not much I can do to help, other than to provide you with some coping skills if you want to stay in the marriage.” I have encouraged her to go to counseling as an individual, thinking that my presence may be hindering any progress, but she will not go.

    I am trying to figure out if there are marriage counselors out there that specialize in narcissistic behavior, and if other people have had some success with this. I am a firm believer in marriage, and strongly believe that my daily presence in the kids lives is necessary for their mental health. If I left, I strongly fear what would happen to them mentally and emotionally because I shield them a lot and deal with their mental and emotional issues when being treated poorly.

    Anyone willing to share experiences on marriage counseling with a marcissist?

58. LeeAnn Says:
    July 31st, 2010 at 3:06 am

    To my dear StillTrying:
    !7 yrs. truly devoted and determined and I wish I could give you some..thing, some kind word or cure all. But there isnt any, the only thing that keeps me sane in this insanity, is my daily prayers. Prayers for my marriage,my husband and more importantly my 2 boys! God only knows the damage there. We do start back to counseling again… per his request, (which still has me scratching my head) and wondering …humm. maybe it isnt him but instead its me! I really am tired of being on this roller coaster. “Excuse me Sir.. Can I get off now PLEASE!”

59. bonnie Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    I have been married for 31+ years. My husband filed for divorce in Feb. 2010. I have been going to counceling and was told that my husband is narcisstic. I had no idea what that meant, but when I looked up the meaning, there was my husband.

    He has a french canadian girlfriend. I was crazy, out of my mind. I cried out to God, “Please stop my bleeding heart with your nail scarred hands”.

    This morning, I woke up in peace. I don’t care what the girlfriend’s name is or what she looks like. I realized my husband of 31 years is a narcissist.

    I have read all the definitions, and there it is, that is my husband.

60. Denise Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:56 am

    I’ve been married 10 years to a man I now believe is a narcissist. Nobody in the world has a tougher job than him, works harder than him, understands women better than him, had a worse childhood than him, is more compassionate than him, etc etc. In reality he is none of the things he imagines himself to be, yet goes into hours of ranting tirades at the slightest hint from me that he isn’t perfect or if I so much as have a different opinion than him. He has such a huge ego I never know what simple comment will set him off anymore. He wasn’t like this in the beginning and I honestly can’t remember any red flags. I don’t understand how I could have been so fooled. Due to money, children, family and religious expectations leaving is out of the question. I must find a way to keep the peace, protect the children from emotional damage, and get my own identity back, but its like he wants to consume me and turn me into a clone of himself.

61. dramatized Says:
    August 16th, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Yes, I am dramatized on a daily basis.I have lived with this womanizing cheater for over 20 years. I always suspected he was cheating on me, but never had proof. That is the least of it. He exaggerates everything, lies about simple things, and blames me for our relationship problems. I am not sexual enough, I am not as adventurous as him…etc. He is always telling stories about himself, not wanting me around in social situations because I will contradict his lies. He says he wants to be married to me, but I think it is only because he has built our marriage up to this amazing relationship that really does not exist. He disgusts me with how he objectifies women. I listen to his lies constantly and there are so many, he cannot even keep them straight. It’s not even worth confronting any more. He loves drama, to the point where he will create it. He is hypercritical of everyone else because he is so perfect. He is a lazy slob, but complains that I am a bad housekeeper. He yells at the kids to pick up while he sits on his butt. He is a totally different person in public. In public, he is a saint. In reality, he is nothing but a show. I am finally at the point where I know that when my son graduates high school in less than two years, I will be single again. We lost a child who was only 16, then six months later our house burned and a few months later he was in a hotel room with a 21 year old. This man has no conscience at all. He is a selfish, self-centered, egotistical liar. He still claims to have no idea as to how I have managed to end up with VD which is the high risk kind, so I am at high risk for cancer now. He is a creep. I cannot wait till my son graduates!

62. Sad Says:
    September 13th, 2010 at 1:19 am

    After 40 years of listening to my husband blame me for everything wrong between us, I found these posts. We went to marriage counselor after marriage counselor and he charmed all of them to be his buddy. Not one recognized what he was. He claimed everything in the marriage that had failed was my fault and when I finally said to the last therapist I would need some acknowledgment as well, she looked shocked and so did he. We had gone on for 6 visits never once addressing any issues important to me-just to him. He was terminated from the last five jobs, one for falling asleep at work, but he says none of the terminations were his fault. All the employers were unreasonable. My day to day existence is walking on egg shells waiting for the bomb to drop. Other times he ignores me. There are no real reasons for the blow ups and yet it leaves me incredibly sad. I just cannot please him. I’ve tried responding telling him I wouldn’t take the abuse anymore but on it goes. My rage back accomplishes nothing. I am his victim at this point. There doesn’t seem to be any hope and he dictates my moods completely. I am trying to learn more about this thinking knowledge is at least some power for me. The scowl, the foul moods and somehow, it’s always someone else’s fault. I fear the mood he comes home in. We haven’t had a sex life in 35 years. When he found out that was important to me, it was taken away. Affection is on the chopping block as well as it’s a great tool to hurt me. This personality disorder is hurtful and deadly. If you are dating someone you suspect has it, DO NOT MARRY them!

63. anonymous Says:
    September 28th, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Wow, I’m not sure how I found this page but I’m glad I did. I’m sorry for what everyone is going through and for those of you who left, it sounds just like I imagine it will be when I leave. I cannot wait to be ME again.

    We have two kids, 9 and 8 and have been married 11 years. I have thought for years that I could stick it out until they are grown but lately I have been questioning whether it is worse for them having him as a role model and me faking happiness, or whether divorce is worse.

    I am starting to explore options. I made an appointment with a pit bull attorney (won’t hire him but will go for a consultation so husband won’t be able to hire him either) last week and then cancelled. Husband has no idea I’m doing this and I’m not going to mention it until I have everything sorted out. It should be easier because I am the sole breadwinner, parent, benefits carrier, etc.

    One thing is for sure. I will not share custody of the children with him. He can come over any time he wants, and they can spend the night with him occasionally, but I will not do 50/50. I’d rather stay for a few more years than do that.

    Anyway, good luck to everyone. I feel your pain. I’m curious as to whether this problem has always existed or if it is on the rise. If it’s on the rise, I wonder what the contributing factors are… Single parenting? Video games? Feminism? Pop psychology? We are an interesting species, that’s for sure.

    Thanks for listening.

64. mountain mom Says:
    October 12th, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Are ADHD and NPD comorbid disorders?

65. Marie Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    RUN! Don’t walk. If he rages and breaks something or hurts you in any way, call the police, stay calm, get a restraining order. Get a job, get your own account, get your own place, take the kids LEAVE! It will not get better. 20 years, 2 kids, 6 counselors, no change. Lies, lies, lies. I now have an std that I am being treated for. But he has a police record and has to stay away from me and the kids. If they are too charming, if it seems they are quick to fall in love, walk away. It gets better everyday, my kids are better, I have friends, I have a life. Your trying harder just feeds him and gives him the ok to treat you badly. We teach others how to treat us, teach them you are important, too important to stay and then go!!

66. Deeply Hurt Says:
    October 25th, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Well I sit here after reading all of these post and knowing what you each have been through. I have been with my NPD husband for a total of 14 years(Married 12). I have two precious boys ages 9 and 8. I never knew this disorder even existed, although I suspected that my husband was bipolar because he is severe ADD.
    I have begged him to get help for years. But I was always the stupid one, I was the “trigger”. That is why he blowed up all the time, cause it was my fault. I never could understand how someone could be so sweet and tender then turn at the flip of a switch into some demon monster. Why was it I was walking on egg shells all the time? Why was it I was telling the kids to leave Daddy alone cause he was in a bad mood? The crazy makings, OMG!! I never could make since of why he was mad or what brought it on. It was always a toss up, on what it would be like when he got home from work. I was his servant. There to serve his needs only. I was the cook, the house cleaner, the taxi(as he never drove me anywhere) The bill payer, the child care provider-and God forbid I ask his to watch his own children for anything.
    He literally worked, came home, sat in recliner, watched TV until supper was served. Ate, got up took shower and went to bed. It was like we didn’t exist unless he wanted us to. Anyway, this all came to a head in March 2010 when in one on his rages he crushed my hand with a clock radio then throwed an object into the wall and busted a hole in it. I called him on the way home from the Dr. and told him to get OUT! I was so tired of being accused of everything from cheating, to not respecting him, to not listening to him, to being so stupid and ignorant, being called some on the nastiest degrading names and for what? All the years I bent over backwards trying so hard to show him how much I Loved him and for him to use me as a door mat at his will. I filed for divorce in May after two months of trying to see if he would change. I had to file for a protective order due to his rage and temper. I suffer from nerve damage in my hand and everyday it is a constant reminder of what he has put me and my children through. I am in counseling as well as my children. Everyday is a challenge. Lots and lots of tears shed. I feel as if I take 2 steps forward and one back. I know he will never ever change. I have always wished for something I never had, a loving husband that loved me as much as I loved him, a friend, a companion. Sure at first he seemed to be all those things and I was on top of the world to have found someone like him. But once the marriage vows were said, his mood swings began, and with the birth of our first son he made a down hill slide. Jealous of his own son being breast fed! How stupid can you be? All these years I tried and for what? The more I tried the worse he became. So-if you are reading this post and wondering what to do-I am telling you RUN the other way and don’t look back. Marriage and children only complicate things and will keep you tied to this monster for a long time. He will never see he is wrong, as my hand was a freak accident as I am told. You never hear an apology for the nasty words that are said or the hateful things that are done to you. In the end you are left completely sucked dry of any intereset in life, left with no friends because he ran them off, and cheated out of precious family time because he would throw a fit when you visited your Mother or Father or siblings. He will rob you of your life and trust me I am now fighting to get it mine back. It’s hard though, cause I can hardly remember who I use to be. I am now hardened and distrustful of everyone. It is amazing to me that people like this exists. I am so grateful that I now know what is wrong with him and I know that it was not me afterall. And if you do have children and are staying for the best interest of the kids, still RUN! Children of people with NPD and that are constantly exposed to this craziness will likely to also develope personality disorders as well. Do you really want this for your childrens adult hood. I don’t think so. Separating gives them a fighting chance to see normal vs ignorant demon behavior. Once they are exposed to both sides they quickly learn that something is wrong with Daddy. But as long as you allow yourself to stay there they will never see the difference in what life can be with peace and harmony and instead this will be all they know just craziness and madness!! Get out as fast as you can. And if your worried about foresaking your vows with divorce-remember he already did with his lies, mental and verbal torture and if your like me the physical abuse as well. God Bless You!

67. michelle Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    wow,im not sure what hurts more…the abuse i put up with or the grim reality of N. 3 children and 14 years.. oh..let me not forget my loss of memory, my umpteenth ulcers..anxiety disorders….hate being around people, my sudden urge to cry as im driving.
    it was perfect in the beginning, i was in a bad marriage and he “swooped me”. he would sing to me, dance with me, COOK for me..the love making was magic. my friends were jealous..i was the happiest girl on earth. then we got married, and it was never the same again. it went more like this…
    1. never took me out..anywhere
    2 all vacations/weekend getaways were initiated and booked by me
    3. i do all the driving, due to his NEED to drink at all times
    4. i do all cooking ( he will run to the store for me, but my god he’s as successful as a 5 yr old)
    5. he must MUST make all the girls around him laugh..and god they do..if only he wasnt SOOO beautiful *rolls eyes*
    6. he acts about 8 yrs old in public
    7. completely unromantic NO lovemaking, for months at a time (and if i cry and say “i need you” he gets extrememly mean and tells me to see a DR.
    8. never hugs/kisses the kids, or even asks how their day was
    ……wow, i hate my life. my perfect life sucks! we have 3 awesome kids and a brand new house…and its filled with hell.
    how does one leave a marriage when they still love them? is it love? addiction? hope that one day it will be the way it used to be? oh god why? i dont want to give my kids a broken home..but theyre mommy is breaking in the meantime..

68. Ginny Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    These posts are so great to read. So, ill start by saying that Im not the only one who has doubted her own self, blamed herself for the breakup of a marriage of almost 10 years with 2 beautiful healthy children invloved. I have separated from my narcissistic/mentally abuse husband after almost 10 years. After 8 months of being separated and working to the divorce, I still have days (usually it is when he is not in his angry mode) that I second guess leaving the marriage. I loved this man with all of my heart and soul, BUT nothing could ever be GOOD enough! In the beginning things seemed to be perfect. He was the prince that swept me off of my feet! He protected me, supported me and treated me like i was on a pedestal. That did not last very long. After we were married, I started to see some big red flags. He would get into moods so easily and would just want to be left alone. I would then interpret that as I did something wrong to upset him? I would always thing, “what did i do wrong”?
    Eventually the red flags became much bigger. He would threaten my family members and say things to me like ” i know you will eventually leave me for someone else”. I would look at him and ask him why would he even say something like that?
    He became more and more jealous of me. Did not trust me ever. I finally realized it was his problem, and that he had a problem trusting people. to this day, i can say that i have always been a loving and devoted wife to this man. We had 2 beautiful children and my biggest fear is how they will be affected by this ugly divorce. I only want things between us to be civil, for the sake of the kids, but he cannot be civil to me. He ignores me in front of them, gives me dirty, awful looks and is just nasty to me in front of the kids, ages 6 and 4.
    I know in my heart that my life with this man would never be what i had always wanted my marriage to be, and so that is why i had to leave. The stronger i became and stood up to him, the more angry and hostile he became.

    I pray everyday for a peaceful life ahead for me and my childten.
    Does this stry sound familiar to anyone?

69. 2nd Time around Says:
    December 21st, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    k - I know I must be really stupid, because I divorced one N and married another. They are both alike in many ways, and different in many ways. My first used to cheat, lie, and demean me. After 18 years, I was a mess and when he said he was leaving, I knew enough to not stop him. My son from that marriage and I had been pretty much alone anyways, since he traveled all the time. So life settled into a nice routine, but I was lonely.

    Then comes along my 2nd N with two girls all his. He freely admitted up front that he does have depression (I have since done a self diagnosis of N with a splash of Bipolar). I was used to my mother having these traits, So i figured I could handle as I grew up with it.

    Now, after 6 years of marriage, I can see the N traits. He is very jealous, drinks alot, is demeaning to me and the kids, will blow up and start yelling if I say anything against what he feels is right.

    But if I leave, I will lose my two girls - he has full custody, their mom is no where in the picture. I love these two girls as if I gave birth to them, and will gladly adopt them once they turn 18 so we dont have to track down their mom and pay her to release them.

    As far as myself, like I said, I grew up with a mom with this personality. I am going to stick it out a few more years (my kids are 17, 16 and 16) then, if no improvement, I will take him up on one of his offers and just “leave if I dont like it”. I know my kids will all understand - we have talked alot about it. But I also know I will not leave until my kids are old enough to not be under his control - I just hope I have the strength to last…

70. Imstillsmiling Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I am one of the few that actually believe they can change. I am a Christian and as such I believe that God gave us free will that we have certain trials in our life to test us & we can rise to the challenge or let it envelop us, but the point is we have a choice we are not doomed to anything unless we choose it. And anyone with NPD may not ever be fully cured of it…but I do believe it can be curbed enough for them to have a meaningful relationship. The key is for them to first accept that they have it, understand that it is not a good thing & then to seek help. It doesn’t stop there though…they need to really want to change and maintain their soul & reprogram the way they handle stress & interacting with others, otherwise counselling or anything else will do nothing for them.
    In truth I have been married to a man with NPD & BPD for the past 7 years & am still hanging in there… It has been an awful emotional emotional roller-coaster & If I had to do it all over again I would not & he knows that now. He has made our marriage (or lack thereof) a living hell since day one. I didn’t know what was going on till about 2yrs ago, I finally decided I wasn’t the problem & started doing research. Once I got educated on it I started dissecting our relationship & investigating my husbands family & childhood. His father has full blown NPD and his mother left his dad when my husband was a small boy as a result of the abuse. This explained a lot and really helped me shed some light on the situation and helped him to see that what was going on is not normal even though it is all he has ever known (thanks to his father & his father before him). To him the way he behaved (ie. controlling, critical, self absorbed, no empathy, my way or the highway etc.) was how things had to be and anyone not following his rules was wrong & there would always be retaliation in some form though never physical in my particular situation. It has been a long road & there is more road to be traveled but he has actually made progress so that is why I am still in it. Some who have been thru the experience may think I am still in the ”love is blind” stage or still getting suckered & maybe so to an extent as I am a lover/giver/co-Dependant. But I am well aware of what is going on and have chose to try to help him for now since he wants to change. He is tired of the self loathing & hates the way he is though he doesn’t appear that way to the outside world & is a very successful business man. Its almost like the bi-polar disorder in some ways where a certain part of their brain takes over & it is so hard to control themselves, but he just trying to reprogram himself as to what is not ok & what is acceptable. It has been ingrained in him much like a child becomes an alcoholic even after they have witnessed the destruction an alcoholic parent had on them. A lot of the change in the way he is up to this point is as a result of myself seeking help & setting boundaries, choosing not to engage in his demented outbursts & training myself to not need or rely on him as much to fulfill my emotional needs since people with NPD are rarely capable of doing so. Any affection they give is almost always a selfish act so they can receive whatever it is they need in return. I have encouraged him to self reflect which is very difficult for people with this disorder. But he has been doing this & other things on his own now to change the way he thinks about things, like reading self help books/articles and controlling himself better. It will not be an overnight change which has been hard for him since he is always use to getting what he wants right away, but I can see the change taking place so it does give me some hope even though things are not great yet. Another thing I have done is I have made a goal for myself & given him a little time to perfect himself before I follow thru. I refuse to live out my life with someone this way, I put him thru school and never got to finish mine & now I am a stay at home mom & want to finish but he doesn’t want to fork over OUR $ for me to do it as it is not important since he is a successful breadwinner but I want to always have a plan B and fulfill my desires of my heart whether or not he thinks they are important…so I have been saving on my own & preparing to leave him one day (sad I know) if he doesn’t continually show progress. I would have left a long time ago had I known this info but I am financially dependent on him now so it will take some time, that is if he doesn’t follow thru on his self improvement. He has that constant reminder every time a check gets deposited into my personal acct. I have plans to start school as soon as we finish a 2yr project we are in right now…with or without his help. People with NPD tend to be ”threshold changers” and won’t change the way they behave unless something drastic happens and even then its only temporary and they are back to there old habits shortly. I have made a point to follow thru on my threats or promises so that when I say something he listens & takes me seriously. That is difficult for me to do because if someone needs something it is my nature to please and make them happy. I am still myself to everyone else but with him I cannot let him feed off me anymore. Being in this relationship has left me jaded, but I suppose I am still a positive person in spite of it cause some good has come out of it. Before I met him I was a giver and co-dependent, I still am in many ways but I have learned to take care of myself emotionally which has actually helped my self esteem…being educated on the topic is half the battle to defeating NPD. Take the disgusting habit out of the scenario & in my particular situation, he is a really amazing individual…He is sooo driven, successful, handsome, a good dad as far as providing and playing with his son, he helps people when they need help though people with NPD have a difficult time doing that and not murmuring/complaining about having to help. Because of our religion and background he has been raised with & has morals which I think is a big part to his transformation process & why he is making an effort to change because he can’t do it for just me if it is to be a lasting change. If there is anyone out there involved with an NPD individual who refuses to believe they have it, doesn’t think they need to change or is not willing…unfortunately there is no hope & you definitely need to get out because it will never get better. I am not even out of the clear yet and my guy at least has a handle on the issue. The first step to getting out is making a plan and knowing that there are many successful loving relationships out there that are healthy and you are just as deserving as anyone to be able to have one of those. No relationship is perfect but many are capable of being ”healthy” & full of a deep love. I know this because my self esteem comes from my Heavenly Father who I know loves me & wants the best for me, it does not come from the kind of car I drive, clothes I wear or from my husband & his affections towards me… that is how I have been surviving this long and have been able to still have a positive outlook. Good luck to you all & I pray for those with NPD that they will have the desire to change & better themselves & the lives they touch. If you have any questions on how we got to this stage in our NPD relationship or positive remarks feel free to reply to imstillsmiling2@gmail

71. shou Says:
    January 25th, 2011 at 10:44 am

    I’m very lost. I had been with this man for 4 years. We had arguements in many times. His ex-wife always came to asked money from him. His es-wife is addict to drugs. Her face so mess up from those drug that she had been take. She is 29 years old. I’m 39 years old but I don’t look my age. I not brag myself. I’m just take care of my face. I’m Asian. Most Asian people wouldn’t look old on them face. I had been do many things for him even money part. In our first relationship, I gave him 10,000 dollars for help him in his business because he so broke. I thought maybe he is a single person could not manage the money part. I very wrong. He never gave me back the money that I gave him. In those 4 years that I had been living with him, I’m the one who brought the house stuffs for use. He never brought nothing for household use. Each time when I went to the mall or shopping center, I brought my clothes, he never been spent his money for me. He always told me he was tire, he need to sit down and found some excuse so he didn’t go with me for spend his money on me. I had brought 5 suits for him that cost me 500 dollars. He is a narcissist man. I don’t know what it mean narcissist but now after I had been read so many women whom wrote about their life that have been live with NPD. I know how they feel. I did many things for him but he still said I didn’t did nothing for him. He never helped me in the house. I always I had to clean up the house. He’s a dirty man because he act worse than a kid. After clean the house he always been made the mess. Narcissit man never been satisfied in what you to him. He doesn’t care what you to do him, he will still tell you that you didn’t did nothing for him, he will not appreciate in what you can do to him even you give your life to him, he still doesn’t care. He still tell you, you don’t do nothing to him.

72. lizzieg Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 8:42 am

    I have been married to a narcissist for 11 1/2 years. The first time he was really mean to me was on our honeymoon; I could not believe it. Then after we settled into our married life, he did a lot of strange things, like spend hours on-line with his brother while I would watch TV on a Friday night all by myself. If I would suggest that he watch TV with me or do something with me, I would get a response “Don’t tell me what to do.” So I never did. After a few instances of him threatening to divorce me (looking back I should have packed my bags and left… it is much harder now), we have been in individual and couples therapy. I feel that I am TRAPPED with this abusive monster and our therapists, whose job it is I guess to keep us together. Now I am the one who wants the divorce, and he is pulling out all the stops to save this marriage. We have two great kids who used to not have much to do with their dad, because he would be off doing his own thing (could not be bothered with mundane things like playing with/stimulating/engaging with the children) and now, all of a sudden that I want a divorce, he is being super-dad bc a divorce would mar his “image” of being such a great all-around person, which everyone thinks he is. I am convinced that he has OCD as well… always buys so much stuff, esp. for the kids. Thinks he can give them a toy or something and then they think daddy is great. I will not leave the house.. this is where the kids were born and where I want them to grow up. Now he wants me to correct his behavior on the spot when he is abusive to me or does something that is not normal. It is like having a third child. I have had to teach this grown man how to say “please” and “thank you.” He never said these words in his life before, and I taught him along with my then toddlers. How pathetic. Am I to correct him, take on his wrath for correcting him, or just kick him out the door the next time he is abusive?? I cannot go through the rest of my life correcting him, me like the parent him like the child. What I cannot get over that as a functioning adult, he seriously does not know acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior. It is mind-boggling. NPD is a terrible thing for a partner to deal with. I know what I need to do, I just need to find the strength to insist that he leave. Deep down inside, after all the crap that he has done to me, I still don’t want to “hurt him” because I am a genuinely “nice” person. These NPD’s love to walk over “nice” people, but living with him has turned me into a very angry, unhappy person (when he is around). Thanks… good to vent!

73. lady602 Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 9:31 am

    i was married 23 years to a man 19 years older than me. i was 18 he was 38 when we married in 1984, since then we have been divorced 2 1/2 years. it was all good until the last 6 years of our marriage…he becamw narcisstict, i think he was that way all along it just never really showed its evil side till the end of our marriage. he was having sex with alot of women,he didnt want me no more he wanted to have his fun at retirement.

74. lady602 Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 9:41 am

    THE SAD THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS EVERYONE BELEIVES HIM…THATS HOW GOOD A NARCISSTICT MAN IS.

75. arizonalady Says:
    March 31st, 2011 at 10:52 am

    i was married to a narcissist for 23 years, (1984) - (2008)( i just never knew it until the last 7-8 years of our marriage.)i was 14 when i met him and he was 33,dated 4 years then married at 18 he was 38.he told me everything a young girl wants to hear and i fell for him. i must say he was a good provider.through out our marriage it was good, normal.we bought a home, he worked i worked, we had a son who is 23 ,we drove nice cars went on vacations every year,had b-day partys, had gathherings ect. etc. we did just about everything together we like the same music, cars etc etc.,but all along he was commiting adultry,and wanted out of our marriage so his evil side came out and he tried to make me crazy by playing mind games with me telling me i would hear things, make up stories,restraing orders on me then letting me go back home when he didnt want me there any more he would instigate a fight with me call the police and i would go to jail even though he put his hands on me first.COWARD.. ..now i know what i see, hear,and do. he manipulated me horribly, shamed me in front of his workers and freinds, since our divorce he has commited bribery paying my freinds and some family to stay away from me, not to help me when i need it or what ever it may be. he has brain washed our son into staying away from me. he has done this by telling LIES TO EVERYONE and the sad hurtful part is they believe him OR the money is good…still i have been betrayed and i now have no one in my life, i have no social life, iam depressed lonley and my heart is broken it hurts terribly. he planned how to get rid of me he planned our divorce. this man is sick! i grew up with this man ,iam having a hard time moving foward,i live with my parents and i want to move out. there is so much more to tell but it will take about 10 more pages. ladies pleasse grow old with someone your own age.

76. PatsyNorman Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 8:12 am

    I am reading all of this and I also think i am married to a narcissist. I feel like I am in a football or basketball game. Trying to score the next point so I will get a high five. I am tired of trying to please him and alter my entire life to make him happy. I CANNOT make him happy. I have no friends anymore. I think that is his tactic to isolate me and make me more dependent on him..this is overwhelming to finally realize that maybe i am not as crazy as he thinks i am!!! I am hoping I can develop a plan for myself and NOT him. I think about leaving but find myself wanting to stay so my daughter doesnt have divorced parents. I don’t know what to do to better the situation.

77. ShineOn Says:
    April 2nd, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    This sounds all too familiar. I am in marriage counseling with my NPD husband of 19 years now. I am very concerned that this psychologist doesn’t see the narcissism. I am afraid to bring it up in there in fear that my husband will try to turn it all around on me and make me look like I am being paranoid or something.

    I have a question for those of you who are married to a narcissist. Have any of you been gaslighted by him/her before? I truly believe I am a victim of such behavior…also known as ambient or stealth abuse. It is where they will hide your belongings or do weird things that shake your reality…try to make you think your memory is lacking, etc.

    Here is an example….my husband had always put his clothes in the hamper, but all of the sudden he stopped. I asked him about why he did this after many times of having to ask him to bring me his dirty clothes ( I had no idea where they were at)…his reply was, that he was doing that because some of the clothes in the bottom of the hamper was not getting washed for months…a complete exaggeration and made no sense as to why he would just stop putting them in the hamper all together. I asked him nicely if he would please start putting them in the hamper again and explained that it would be easier on both of us and that I had a routine going in which I would wash his clothes mid-week as well as on the weekend. He agreed, but I could tell it bothered him for some strange reason. The next day, I noticed that there was a sock hanging out of the hamper, strange for him as he always made sure that his clothes were all the way in. The next day, there was another sock hanging out…day after that it was the 2 socks and part of a shirt! I couldn’t believe he was messing with my mind that way. I am not sure if he is trying to make me think that I am doing that, or what, but it is definitely a game….the hamper was never full when he did this…there was plenty of room. He also brought a gun in the house that was in a box, and I saw him carry it in, but when I talked to him about the box in the closet he told me that the box had been there for years and that I didn’t see him carry it in like I thought…just little mind games like that…keeps me guessing all of the time. It is really weighing heavily on me right now and I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced the mind games and gaslighting? Any input would be much appreciated. Thank you.

78. Melody Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 12:03 am

    Hi,reading most of the above i can two or three points out of each & say thats my husband but the sad part is he does not realize that he has these issues.After so much of Mental,Physical & mental abuse one fine day a friend puts light into me & said her husband is a narcissist, I simple did a personality test for him & it appeared highy Narcissitic. I started to rad & found out he has had a very bad childhood. which must have led him to be this way.He still love his girlfrienf & misses her al lot.he ends up blaming me for everything, even for the diabetics & cholestrol that he has.he says its because of the stree that i give him. From the day of marriage i ahve been trying , trying hard to be a good lady.I have given him all that I have, taken loan to pay up his cards & still in debts.Initially it was the way I talk that had to change.I had to speak to others admiring him & talking high on him. I had to support every lie his said to keep his image.
    he puts up a mask & wants to show all the people who looked down on his mum that he is very rioch today & is a big guy when he actully does not have even a penny of his own. I tried telling him his issue & to come for counselling but he will not listen to it.Even when he hits me he will blame me for it.Now under one roof we are living our own ways for my son. Hearts of Hearts i want his to change coz i love him & I trust in the Lord. I want him to know his problem & change. Even if he changes now its for a few days I cannot tell him anything about practical living.I have a son who is 9 & wants to see us together. he just enjoys that time we sit together which has happened only for two months after 11 years of marriage.How can I help help him & keep my son happy? Thank you.

79. ShineOn Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Hi once again…I am writing this time in hopes that Jay Slupesky can give me just a bit of advice on what to do in my situation. I am a nervous wreck in our marital sessions….the marital therapist who is a psychologist keeps trying to focus on the fact that I need to cut back on caffeine and my anxiety will be much improved…but I KNOW my anxiety is not caused primarily by caffeine…it’s mostly because I live with a narcissist who wants to play mind games with me…wants me to think that I am just hearing things…or seeing things… I gave a couple of examples in my previous post.

    The fact that I know he is playing games keeps me from going insane, but I have to admit…it does disturb me, and I find myself wondering how I am ever going to get out of this trap I am in.

    So, Mr. Slupesky …do you by chance have any advice for me? Did I make the wrong choice by going to a psychologist? I thought about mentioning all of the weird things he does in there, but my husband could easily explain his actions by simply saying that he has just gotten lazy about putting his clothes in the hamper, etc….there is always a simple explanation when it comes to a narcissist.

    Thank you so much for reading this even if you don’t choose to respond and I absolutely appreciate this blog where there is support for those of us who live with a narcissist.

    If Mr. Slupesky doesn’t respond, I would still love to hear advice from those of you who are in the same boat…thanks so much.

80. ashleylll Says:
    April 21st, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Its so comforting but yet frightening to read about other people involved in similar relationships. My husband and I separated over a year ago, and he acted like he was SO READY to divorce me and he had everything ready etc. He still won’t leave me alone. Therapy failed because he did not like what he heard and basically called our therapist a moron and said she was shit and I was a shit wife. LOL
    He is Jeckyll and Hyde. I am basically ignoring him and it is funny after I wont play his game, he tries to woo me. OTFL. I am too old and too tired for these games. I want to LIVE my life and not feel like I have a big giant hand pushing on my head. He criticizes everything I like, everything I do. He fabricates to accomodate his agenda. I have no access to our money so am trying to get the 30,000 to retain my attorney. (he makes millions) I have the best in Texas for women. Texas is 48th in how they treat women in divorce. It is scary. My kids and I deserve better. I cry because my family is destroyed. He cheated on me the first year of our marriage and never said sorry. She still works for him and never went to college and makes 6 figures plus benes. OH YEAH. She is too important he made her COO.. WAKE UP CALL?

81. saloni Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Hi, just as much i am surprised, i am glad that all my fears, dounts and anxities are for real. The reason why i am writing this is to ask for suggestions since most of the articles suggest that people are more experienced than i am in this regard. I am 30 year old girl and in love with a guy who is 3 years younger ie 27.First the good sides: We have been dating for past 7 months and both love each other very much. We both love traveling and have been on many trips together. He is a fun loving guy, always makes plans for both of us ie movies, music, restaurants etc. He has an engineer from a v good college and helping with his father’s business. He is very handsome, sophisticated and classy. He is very intelligent and has a good perspective on almost everything. He has had a few failed relationships in the past and this relationship means a lot to him. He takes a lot of effort for us to meet(since we live in different cities). he has even opened a new office in the city that i live in so that he can spend more time with me. He makes great money( enough to suit his expensive lifestyle- always wears gucci/armani shoes and HUgo Boss suits)In all he is someone that you would want in a husband.
    Now the real twist is that he is a real narcissist to the core. He snaps at me, lies to me, devalues me(that my skin is getting bad, i am putting on weight or i have too may dark spots, wchih i find weird because people tell me i am a v good looking girl myself). He is constantly on an emotional roller coaster, looking for supplies, talks to me about other girls praising him, giving him names, and how much they love him. In our last few months of the relationship, i have felt that he got distracted by someone else (less frequency of phone/email/sms)but he never agreed. Inspite of all this, he speaks with me nicely. But i ahve seen him speak with his coworkers and parents and he is really mean to them. I have read an email from his mom where she was expressing her frustration on having a son like him.
    Except for these Narcissistic behaviour(I have not mentioned all to avoid repeating myself but he is a N to the core) everything else is fine with him- Money, status, class, good cars etc. I am soo confused if i should make a sacrifice and ovelook these small things and get married to him or find someone else. I am scared taht some day he will find another GF or talk to me the same way he speaks wih his parents. or would he realise and change some day? Please advice if i should marry this guy or not
    PS: i am v well qualified myself, have a good corporate job and still attractive. I want to take this decision quick while i still hve the option of going for other guys

82. saloni Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Hi ashleylll I am so sorry to hear your story. But i must say i am impressed with the way you have added levity in your post. I am sure you are a very strong woman and would be able to stand back on your feet soon. Once you are out of all this, you would only look back and laugh and feel bad for ur ex husband. He sounds a bit like my current BF(spl the millionare bit) but I can totally see how my BF can behave the same way too. Last year we were in turkey for NY and we had already decided that i will pay for the air tickets and he will pay the hotel. When he was paying the hotel bill i casually offered help (just as a way of being polite). and he said his credit care was alredy out of limit so he wont mind using mine for some amout. I was a lil surprised since i had already paid by bit and considering he makes 10 times more money than i do. But i didnt say anything thinking its ok may be he really didnt have money at that time. On our way to teh airport, we decided to stop by the shopping district. we went to the gucci store and picked 2 necties for himself swiping his CC. He didnt even ask me once if i liked anything or wanted anything. The next time we were on vacation, he said it ws going to be his gift but at the case counter when i offered to pay half, he agreed immidiately. Few more of such instances have occured that have made me left really bitter. Its not abt the money but the faith.

83. Ellen T Says:
    May 16th, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Saloni,

    If Money, status, class, good cars etc. are what you are looking for in a man you will never be happy. You may too have issues of your own if you are questioning whether you want to be miserable and live like a queen. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to love? He will in essence replace you if he hasn’t already. It is idealization and devaluation. First they charm you and put you on a pedestal, then when your not expecting it they kick the pedestal out and treat you like gum on your shoes. I am not a shrink, but you sound a bit like a narcissist yourself. In that case the relationship would for sure be toxic quickly.

84. saloni Says:
    May 23rd, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Hi Ellen, thanks for writing and more than that showing me the mirror. To be honest, I coudnt care less about his money, car or call if he cannot give me the love I deserve. I am a very down to earth person and have been brought up with simple values. I guess in order for me to count the ‘ggod sides’ of the relationship, i took those things into account.
    What shocked me the most is the level of conviction with which you mentioned ‘he will replace you’.

85. Amy Says:
    June 1st, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Wow…I am 24 and have been married for just over 3 years. Reading these blogs makes me feel sick. My husband and I were very in love when we got married and spent every moment together…In the last few years however, he has changed so drastically it’s phenomenal. He constantly acts like I’m lower than him and calls me stupid or idiot several times a day as a nickname (no aggression). He also has started complaining that I’m not cleaning enough or implying that I’m a bad mom. There’s also his vanity; when we met he looked homeless and had no confidence. Well I’ve spent the last three years helping him become his own person (liberated from his mother!). Now he constantly talks about all the women who check him out and how gorgeous he is. He was the first one to suggest he was a narcissist in a joking matter but it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Meanwhile he has started isolating me from my family, not including me in plans, not remembering to deliver messages…I feel like I’m just not important enough for him to bother being concerned with. But when I tell him these things he just says I’m emotional. We are now pregnant with baby no. 4, he often jokes that he keeps me pregnant so I can’t leave..well this time he suggested I have an abortion to avoid health issues. How much does narcissism affect his thinking? I have a feeling that there are a lot of things that could be explained if he is a narcissist. What can I do?

86. Betrayed Says:
    June 2nd, 2011 at 9:03 am

    How do you separate safely from a husband who is narcissistic has a nasty temper and is mentally unstable when he is in one of his rages? Same storyline as several others here. He put up an incredible front. The relationship started out to good to be true. Put me on a pedestal for the first three yrs while we were dating. We got married and blended two families together. He has two teenage boys and I have one teenage daughter. He and the boys moved into my house with me and my daughter when we got married. His youngest son went through a rebellious stage and started skipping school and smoking pot. My husband’s temper could not handle his son’s rebellion so during a confrontation between himself and his son he got physical with his son and after that ugly scene sent his son back to his ex to live. Since that terrible incident he has done a complete 180 on our relationship. About a week after the incident happened with his son he targeted my 16 yr old daughter with a vengeance. He put a bullseye on her and has not stopped trashing her since. This has been going on for a yr now. He tears her down verbally to her face and in front of her friends. At one point even followed her in his vehicle to see if he could catch her doing something wrong. He is ridiculously jealous of her and this has caused major problems between us. I get very, very, angry and defensive over her and I argue all the time with him over her which does nothing but enrage him even more. He has never gotten physical with me but the verbal abuse is shocking and my sense is he could easily slip over the edge to physical abuse because when he gets enraged he becomes completely irrational and I cannot reason with him at all. Any disagreement between us now sends him straight into an angry temper episode and each episode gets a little worse than the episode before that. He will make a big show of packing his clothes up to leave. This has happened 5 or 6 times now. He threatens to leave all the time but he won’t and I truly don’t think he has any intention of leaving. Most of the temper tantrums he throws are when my daughter is on a weekend with her father and she’s not here, thank God. During his temper episodes I have started leaving my house to get away from his drama scenes and I am starting to get nervous around him when he gets into these rages. When I leave he try’s to follow me and find me. This situation is becoming more and more volatile. How do you get someone out of your house without an ugly scene, and then if I do get him out I’ll spend all my time looking over my shoulder and constantly worrying he will completely lose it and come back to hurt my daughter or myself? We have tried counselling which is how I found out he is narcissistic because the counselor diagnosed him with it. The counselor advised me that most people with this disorder will not ever get better because they never acknowledge they have a problem. It’s always someone else’s fault and that’s certainly true with him. He will not take ownership of his anger issues at all. He only went 3 times and blamed my daughter for all of our issues. I see no hope on this situation and don’t know how to end it safely. Restraining orders don’t work if a mentally unbalanced person decides he really wants to hurt you…..

87. TinaG Says:
    June 7th, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Our stories are so similar, it’s scary. Thank you all for posting. It is incredibly validating. I want to add my perspective, as I have been divorced from my narcissistic husband for 13 years. I left him after 8 years of marriage, after much sincere trying on my part, not willing to give up and break my vows, etc. We had 3 small children at the time I left. He was abusive in every way possible short of breaking bones and leaving bruises. he mostly threw things (at me, at walls, breaking things). He gaslighted me. He threw my things away in the garbage and lied that he had anything to do with it (these were good things — just mine. I started going through the garbage each day — how nuts is that?). We went to 8 marriage counselors. None of them got it. He only went to “fix” me and I sincerely tried to assess my faults and change. I accommodated to keep the peace. I did not grow up in an abusive family. I was in shock the day he “flipped” from being the kind, funny, generous man I married into the derisive, contemptuous and cruel monster. As we all know who have been there… he is not like that all the time. Truly Jekyll and Hyde.

    But what I want to say to all of you is this: I would echo to those of you who do not have children or who are not married… RUN! and for those of you who do have children… RUN!!! Just know that you will NEVER likely be rid of him. In the years since the divorce, we are expected by the court to “co-parent.” Coparenting is impossible with a personality-disordered parent. It is an insane expectation. He wants it all his way. He is as controlling as ever. And yes, he has the money, he has the power, and he likes to wield this money/power to take me to court for purposes of blaming and impoverishing me. Currently, we are in court-ordered family therapy — if you can imagine the insanity of that. Me, him, his new wife, and our children (now teens). I am not against therapy… but jeez, I left him for a reason. I do not like going through this charade of more therapy where the therapist does not get the dynamic, does not believe that he has NPD, my ex-husband and his wife (as sick as he is) are fused together against me, and worst of all…. our poor, poor children. I do not know how to fix this. They are all now acting out his insane roles he has devised for them: the hopeless loser who will never make anything of himself; the bad/evil one, and the good/angel one. This is so sick and so sad, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I have known this man for 20 years, and because of the children we have between us, I will never be free of him and his insanity.

    More than anything else, I have hated how therapists want us each to own 50% of the problem. So tell me, when one of us has a personality disorder, no empathy, no ability to see the other one AS A PERSON, and the other one is willing to try many things for awhile but eventually wises up and LEAVES the irrational, abusive one — how is that 50-50? Craziness, that’s what that is.

    RUN!!!!

88. Nova Says:
    June 9th, 2011 at 11:41 am

    My soon-to-be ex-husband is so narcissistic that he has spent years purposefully ruining our marriage to force me to divorce just because he didn’t want to look like a bad person divorcing his wife and leaving his three children. I can’t wait until this divorce is final.

89. Re-casting My life Says:
    June 11th, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I am married to a NPD 7 yrs now. i still want it to work but I know that it can’t while we live under the same roof. He has actually admitted that he knows he has a problem but is averse to being labeled NPD or verbally abusive he just thinks he can be really really mean sometimes. I have decided to let him think my depression is so bad that I am too weak mentally or emotionally to be the wife he needs me to be right now and that I will move out and give him the space he needs to be the wonderful person he is (wink wink) it’s so sad and nearly sadistic that this is what I have to do to save my soul but i know now that I have no choice during his last episode he asked me if I wanted him to hit me so we could get this over with. the thing is i think my moving out will help him see he has to change or there’s no hope for us. silly me wnats to hold onto a glimmer of hope but at least thanks to sites like this I am no longer in denial. I MUST LEAVE!! I have made a plan for a safe exit and so far I am sticking to it. Please pray that I don’t punk out. I will say to you all your courage for staying as long as you have is amazing now use that courage to GET OUT do it safely as you can BUT DO IT!!

90. Saloni Says:
    June 24th, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Hi Re-casting My life !!
    Please for gods sake gather every bit of courage that you have and do this for yourself! This life is urs and you only owe it to urself.It doesnt matter what you are making him believe, just do it fr ur self, ur soul, ur spirit!

    I can see so much of me in your situation. Even though I am currently not married to this person and rethinking my decision. (Thanks to TinaG and others) whose post has been inspiring me to be looking at the situation really well. If ever i have an exit plan, it would be using the same excuse as urs because i dont think anything else ever works with these people.

    Please you spent 7 years with this person, and if he had to change, he would have changed. These people are not capable of understanding.. they are zombies and it was just our back luck that we got attached. PLease dont leave with a false hope cuz even your separation wont bring any changes in his life. He will tell his friends what a bad luck he was born with..
    My ex had 3 GF’s before me and he constantly kept telling me how he was the chosen one to have 3 weird women in his life who never understood him. All 3 walked out on him ( he is atleast honest about that) but that did not lead to any self reflection unless he used to be worse than this… so please dont keep fooling urself thinking he will change one day. Its a wonderful life out there with so many wonderful people. You will meet someone who will love you boundlessly and in no time u will forget this episode like a bad dream..
    May god give u all the strength!!

91. God's child Says:
    July 10th, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Been married to my N husband for 35 yrs. I just realized that he’s a N. Thought it was all me for all this time. Now here I am, having not worked all this time, with a medically disabled child (and 4 other grown children), no income, and everyone thinks he’s just wonderful. I’m always amazed the how quickly people believe his lies about me, and are unable/unwilling to see the truth about him. At least now I have some understanding of the dynamics of it all. But it is scary and I want to protect my children (esp. the youngest who is already medically fragile). Yet without income -we are now once again heading toward bankruptcy -he asked me to pay another bill on my cc; when I told him I did’t have anything left on my cards he decided he didn’t need to pay them anymore; we’ll probably lose the house (and our pets)to foreclosure. We were counseled by 3 different financial experts to sell/get out of the house - he refuses to- probably because when I saw his income decreasing I suggested we sell and find something much less expensive. He won’t do it now just to spite me! I know in the end he’ll convince everyone it is all my fault. I got my real estate license thinking I could work that around my child’s needs - but her health took a down turn, and with the market down, I haven’t been able to make one cent at it.Now I have no access to money to keep my license. He gives me no money anymore. I can’t leave her alone with him for long periods of time nor regularly, she needs specific care. I am just trusting God to make a way for her and I and hopefully our pets to leave him or for him to just leave us And for me have a way to provide for us,and be able to live in the TRUTH!

92. Bob Says:
    July 15th, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Well - I’m a guy, and I think I’m married to a narcissist. That’s what one marriage counselor said, and after one crazy session where my wife accused me of literally stealing from her (trust me, completely off the wall), the counselor said we needed a different kind of help, and phoned me the next morning to clue me in.

    The 5 key things to watch for were like written for me. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve made plenty of bad mistakes and do a poor job at communicating and expressing warmth sometimes - so its not all one sided in terms of who’s done what.

    But its such a bizarre relationship - its really like living with a teenager forever. I pretty much do everything - both gender roles. I’m pretty successful so we have literally a staff of household helpers and nannies - but we do share nearly equally in child care. She loses her temper so much with our kids they don’t want to be around her - she rationalizes that as “research shows kids prefer Dad”. I have to make my own meals (even though we have a housekeeper!) and scavenge for myself most of the time, handle maintainence, yardwork, even grocery shopping. She say “You didn’t marry a 19th century woman.” She basically does what she wants, when she wants, and expresses no interest in me or my well being (where as I’m doing things and saying things daily to make her feel special).

    I’ve been at this for 11 years, and probably would have kept at it forever, except that it turns out that all I’ve done is completely inadequate from her point of view. I needed to do more and more often. That led to counseling and the counselor’s perspective on her. That helps - I don’t think she’s deliberately trying to hurt me - she just can’t get outside herself. Its been a long process because of my sense of loyalty - and of course she’d like things to go on just so - but I just can’t imagine the rest of my life like this, and she’s finally agreed. (Of course - as is typical, this all makes her angry and me remorseful - what an enabler!!!)

93. Judy So Free Says:
    July 21st, 2011 at 6:52 am

    My heart goes out to all those individuals who have posted their “twilight zone” experiences. I, too, was a victim of this ugly narcisstic/pyschopathic marriage phenomena. I invested 11 of my precious years in this delusional, hope-factor syndrome. These persons are incapable of change on their own or even with the help of marriage counselors. I really prefer a Christian counselor who doesn’t mind speaking from a place of truth rather providing the win-win arena that many of our sessions stressed. Sometimes you just got call a duck a duck and let the chips fall where they may. Narcissist drive you crazy because they are never wrong. My ex told me that I need not forgive him because he could not think of anything that he had done wrong. He is on his fourth wife and they are alread in counseling. Go figure.

    Individuals need to confront their own demons and not hide behind excuses and blame. Being married to a narcissist ranks as one of the worst experiences of my life. Being divorced two years now, my only concern is capitalizing on the knowledge gleaned from this nightmare and remaining optimistic that I will not walk this path again.

    One way to assure that this will not happen again is to unload my “caretaking habits”, and co-dependency issues. Any man will let you carry the burden and duties of the marriage if you do not establish stronger arguments for partnership as the wife. So, where it would be easy to blame the “monster” for his behavior, the bigger question and remedy for me is to do a better job of eliminating persons with numerous red flags from life immediately without rationalizing bad behavior. More importantly take time to get to know someone extremely well before you determine that this person could be your future husband, a friend, a soul mate, and someone mature enough to understand commitment and healthy relationships.

    God bless each of you as you find your way back to sanity!!!!!

94. Joe Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Mr. Slupesky-

    Thanks for this blog page, it helps relieve some of the frustration from encountering these behaviors repeatedly.

    Have you, in practice, seen people with these behavioral traits “improve” as a result of counseling to the benefit of their interpersonal relationships? Or, in contrast, does narcissism largely “work” for a narcissist in their life pursuits?

    thanks-

95. Jay Slupesky Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Joe,

    The narcissist usually thinks that everything is fine (called “egosyntonic” in therapist lingo) and that he doesn’t need any therapy.

    Jay

96. Celeste Says:
    August 8th, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Jay,

    Many thanks for your web site. I get caught up in it for hours. I am in CT, but if I were in California I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to make an appointment in case would be a good match for help and healing.

    I feel deeply disturbed by these posts about narcissistic abuse. On one hand I don’t feel alone in this and that should feel good, yet other people in this kind of pain bothers me a lot, as I know it so well, and human beings shouldn’t have to suffer like this. It is unjust, makes me angry, and yet I, too, am stuck.

    This is due to issues revolving around a prenuptual asking me to relenquish all marital rights “as if we were never married” specifying both during our marriage as well as after his death (he is 20 years older) including those rights that I have already aquired. By googling it within the last month or so I am assuming that might mean by virtue of living together financially dependant on him for over a decade, the implyed contract of 15 years of the marriage promise and living as if we are married, using his last name, and that we have a young child together. It said I understood all these rights, I didn’t.

    It said that I was fully able to support myself by wages in a manner to which I am accustomed (he has 20 million, and no one gets carried away with it, but we have a very comfortable life). However I have no job skills, no education apart from a good two year start in psychology and nothing but a 10 year old car to my name (that is being given to one of my daughters turning 18 at the end of this month.)It said I had full disclosure about his financial situation (I did not have anything) and if the document is found in whole or in part to be fraud, overreaching, unconscionable, signed under duress, coerced, etc. I agree to not take it to court, and if I do anyway, I have to pay my attorney fees as well as his and the rest of the document I agree remains binding forever. All he has to do is serve me with a note about his intention to seperate and I agree to vacate (our family home)within 30 days.

    I asked him what it all meant. He said he didn’t know, that it is just a standard issue prenuptual and he wouldn’t get married without it. When I didn’t sign any of the 12 copys,45 pages long each because I was too upset by a divorce agreement as an adjunct to marriage vows to even read it, (but that I was never after his money and would sign it sight unseen), his lawyer demanded that I have someone look over it (so it looks like I had legal councel as to not be invalid), she tossed it across her desk, told me it is illegal and she could lose her license to have her name on it, asked me if he beat me (he doesn’t), and said “I hope you get to keep the ring.” This was a local CT lawyer anyway, the thing says all through it that I know all about all these New York laws and all it would entitle me to by virtue of being married, that I relinquish each of them, and agree to have this legally binding in New York. I just found out (google) it is basically up to a judge when someone is trying to invalidate a prenup if it’s in CT, but in NY it doesn’t matter what took place and how bad it is, they tend to uphold it regardless.

    I could be on the street exept for what he would have to provide for our daughter, and that ends when she is emancipated, no longer lives with me, or is of the age of maturity. He would provide a home up until that time, in his name, but only if I adhere to this condition and that condition and the other condition as well as not say anything negative about him to our daughter or any third party.(I have never badmouthed my girl’s father other than to tell them after 15 or 16 that a man not supporting his children was not appropriate and I don’t want them to follow in my footsteps.)

    When I found out it was so outrageously unfair it wasn’t even deemed legal, I asked him why he did that. He said it’s his money. He should be able to do with it what he pleases. He would leave the marriage with what he came into it with, and I would leave the marriage with what I came into it with ( a 15 year old Jeep that we finally had to junk, and the grandfather clock my grandfather had made for me.)He’s just protecting himself. I said I have never taken advantage of anyone in my life, and just look at what I did with my ex husband. He said yea, but how do I know you wouldn’t one day change? He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me with nothing, he just wanted the ability “In case you are ever mean to me.” Further inquiry pointed to the concern of cheating, but I’m not sure what all the deffinition of “mean” entales.

    Having nothing is due to my lack of self worth by the end of my first marriage and feeling responsible due to that and the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to love him, which became even more difficult as the cruelty escalated. I let my ex husband, also a narcissist though I didn’t know it at the time, have the house, everything in it, gave up my marital rights to part of his pention, no alimony, and no child support. The last daughter will be an adult within weeks so that’s probably a mute issue even though I can prove he was financially dishonest during the divorce. The child support part was really illegal, he claimed my daughter, who was 4 when we met, was his and got away with letting her move in (she was 16) during the divorce (she thought she would be able to run free) and claimed it would be even, me having the other two because they were young and they didn’t require much while he had my daughter, a “product of our marriage”, full time. Normally parents can’t get away with no support in a divorce. At the end he said he didn’t know how his own lawyer sleeps at night. (He wouldn’t spend anything on her by the way, she even had to purchase her own laundry detergent, buy her own food, keep her food in a seperate refrigerater, and other disturbing things.)She lived with friends, a motel, and eventually moved out of state.

    I loved him more deeply than anyone ever, I COULDN’T leave because of that even when the pain was excruciating, even when I had a choice about things before becoming trapped. I can’t explain it, bound and gagged by love.

    The crooked prenup cleaned out my feelings. He is aware of this. He has no feelings for me eithor. I WISH there were appologies and overatures, or any tenderness, affection, or support of any kind trying to make up for bad behavior before a promise to not do it again and then do it again. Since I am stuck anyway it would be nice to be in touch with something concidering all I felt for him for so long. I AM still attracted to him sexually, but he withholds sex from me, has made a weird laugh/grunting sound when I have asked him to touch me, other times has looked at me with a scrunched up face as if he just smelled something terrible then ignored me, and has pulled my hand away trying to touch him. Im attractive with long brown hair and weigh in at 119.8 to 121.4. I have convinced him, but it seems masterabatory on his end, we don’t so much as look at each other, and it doesn’t make me feel so great, but it’s the only thing I have.

    We have an amazing daughter, smart, self confident, bright, funny, so enjoyable. She means the world to us. The whole family is consumed with love for her and unending attention. He even is wonderfull with her. After reading on narcissism I’m wondering if we should tone it down, this is all she knows, and she’s so cute physically and personality wise, she’s getting it from the outside world too. She has an enormous capacity for empathy, thoughtfullness, and warmth, which you would think would be the opposite responce. Make sure there is plenty of structure and boundries I guess.

    I have looked closely at adult attatchment disorders, specifically aviodant,(as well as my own anxiously attached problem) want to go to Colorado where they specialize in helping couples heal from that, but he has not agreed. Can see all the traits match up, childhood matches that explians it, but doesn’t want to admit there is a problem, even though he has been really close to 2 woman, counting me, and cared about two others. He hasn’t had more than a 6 month dating situation in 35 years other than me. Couldn’t feel anything he said, he cheated on everyone and withheld that information from them, just used them but was generous. I looked up Alexithyma, researched PPD as amoung other characteristics he carried a loaded handgun in his pocket at all times, (and it has no safty lever) “just in case”. I think it all is part of each other with narcissism (yes, a doctor finially told him, but it went in one ear and out the other) being the main heading under the avoident attachment disorder.

    We went to a workshop with Hendrix, it brought a closeness we have not felt in a long time, but we didn’t do the work at home (even though I posted the relationship vision on the wall in front of the toilet) and we don’t do dialog unless our couples therapist asks us to. It’s grewling but it helps. Want to go to Seattle next month and do a retreat with Gottman and his wife, or at least a workshop, but something really positive will probably have to happen first, and then maybe I can run with the ball.

    Since your site 2 weeks ago I read parts of Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Triump over Tragedy could the person you love be a narcissist, Here All Along, Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary (my new bible even though it seems impossible, I think it has the answer if there exists one), and today The Object of my Reflection:coping with narcissists. Got the idea from that of joining CoDA for social support and healing because from reading all I have, I realize I am really on my own, I didn’t realize they were not even capible of intimacy, remorse, empathy, or compassion, but all the pieces to the puzzel are falling together now. I will do what I have to, and live my relationship according to Gottman and Behary, but build back my social support network. (I also have a two hour individual therapy appointment once a week for over a year with someone I couldn’t be happier with.) I need to stop reading and just get to it, the therapy is for show I feel so he can say he tried. For 4 weeks now the therapist has suggested he ask me how I am or how my day was, as I have accused him of having no empathy or compassion, and he has not. He has threatened to leave me every month for three months now and I fell apart so far with the prenup we never got married, so I’m even more out on my ass than if I had sucked up my pain and signed it.

    I have had the house perfect for an entire month now, not one thing out anywhere, not even a water bottle (really angers him) and I think not being able to find something to go off about is making him worse. I’m terrified, and it’s not a strong place to be to make things better. I am trying to save to see a reputable lawyer within the next month to see where I really stand as it is now, do I have any rights, and how to handle the prenup in case I’m able to fix this enough and head it in the right direction.
    He said he wouldn’t be commited unless we were married. If he would just try for real it would make things easier. Gottman will probably work.

    Right now I just want out. And if I could leave or make him leave or he just died… The whole thing reminds me of Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts. I haven’t said much of what has gone on since that document, it gets pretty extream. I don’t know how I can get healthy in this environment, it seems counterproductive.

97. Free me Says:
    August 21st, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    It’s been a living hell first of all I married a Npd 4 years ago Prince Charming came and swept me off my feet. he was a smooth operator I think anyone would and could be had by this type of person especially if you didn’t know that such a disorder exist. why haven’t warning signs been put out about this it LETHAL…. This man bought out the worse in me he was literally making me crazy. my self esteem was at 0. He has no compassion, never says he’s sorry no matter how bad he hurt me. he repeatedly fooled around on me and had the nerve to say that he just use them bitches for what he could get out of them they’re nothing. he could walk around the house and not talk to me for days making me feel so unattractive. he talked down about everybody, he had problems with his co workers, in the bed he would get in his corner and stay there, I am not the least bit unattractive but he made me feel undesireable. He was killing my spirit, literally sucking the life out of me,Oh and add alcohol to this madness he would get out of control.In 1 year I sent him to jail 7 times thats almost every month that stopped him from walking around and talking crazy to me when I needed to go to sleep, he would try to keep me up all night saying unbelievably crazy nothings to me, accusing me of other men none of which he could name because there weren’t any
    No one in his family believed me to other people he put on a happy face. The charming man that got me is the person that he show others even when the police came he would just lie,lie,lie he was a actor who made me look like a horrible monster.. He went to a pchchiatrist because I was ready to go and Thats how i found out about the NPD….But get this my hubby came home one evening after seeing the psych and told me he found out what was wrong with ME!!!!! he told me he spent a lot of money to find out what was wrong with me and that he would not leave me because i’m sick. I asked him how he knew I was sick and he told me that he had someone talking to me I just didn’t know it…HELP I was thinking to myself he’s driving me crazy, then he gave me the literature on NPD the doc gave him for himself and he put it on me. As I read up on this disorder I thought oh my gosh!!! I can’t believe such a person exist and they’re walking amongst us everyday. This has been a nightmare I tried to leave a few times but he made me fill guilty. I tried to love him but he can’t return love he would do good a couple days and then the old him would resurface.. he would not wear his wedding ring, I could go on and on. I finally could not take anymore and one weekend he left town and I moved him out!!! Changed the locks,alarm, I’ve been nervous he lurks around sometimes drives by but he’s gone and I’m soooooooooooooooo glad. I don’t even want to talk to him this has been a eye opener for me, be careful be very careful about jumping into relationships , watch for the signs of bragging about themselves, showering you with lots of gifts,sparring no expense to empress you, RUN RUN RUN DON’T LOOK BACK .

98. Free me Says:
    August 21st, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Please excuse the misspelled words I just happened up on this site and I could not stop reading. I am at work and did this in a hurry on breaks. I didn’t do any proof reading. I’m just glad to know that I’m not alone…….

99. Dlkcoil01 Says:
    September 8th, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Amazing!!! I’m not crazy after all!!! WoW!! I just ran into this site the other day. So NPD is what my wife has…WHY DIDN’T THE COUNSELORS SEE THIS!!!

    I’m a dedicated man living in an untenable situation. Been married for 24 years now and still contending with a behavior that is beyond my skill set.

    To stay with a NPD, means one has to become a little crazy to. I went into a full blown depression after 15 years. Always hoping the “hopeless hope” that one day my wife would be different an stop what I call ‘loopy behaviors.’

    I just can’t describe the stories of the relationship between my wife and I. I love her dearly, but have found myself feeling and believing that I’m her arch enemy for the better part of our relationship. It saddens me that I could not find a way cope properly and healthfully without losing some of my self in the process.

    I now find myself totally and utterly frustrated and helpless routinely. We have basically three grown children (22, 20 and 14). I now wonder, if I should have left years ago and how they would be. I watch them and they have the trait. Dealing with one along is more than anybody can bear, but to deal with three at the same time, leaves one up the proverbial creek without a paddle (literally).

    I’m a balanced male (at least I try to be)…fair, honest, forgiving, caring and considerate. I can admit when I’m wrong and strive for balance and honest reflection. Through this lengthy marriage I find myself apologizing for things that never happened, but must have happened because my wife can be so convincing when it comes made up stories. I’ve been declared a rapist, when there was no evidence of such a behavior in my life. Do you know what its like to defend yourself for something you never did and then to undo the damage resulting from it.? To this day I don’t believe my kids have recovered. I don’t know why I stayed in the marriage after that, except that I had to counter her to at least give them a chance.

    What makes a NPD do extremely hurtful things and then never admitting to the behavior while living a person like me to clean up the mess while living with the resulting outcome.

    I’m so tired now. I want out, but I know that If I leave, she will make the divorce into a nightmare. She’s practically destroyed my relationship with my children. Everything I do has to be done in a delicate way to avoid setting off land mines hidden beneath the egg shells.

    I now and totally understand the story about “Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” I’ve lived through the experience and still am seeking a way to get balance. I just want her to stop and let us have joy without the negative behavior. I do not like dealing with unrealities that are perceived realities because she says a behavior too place on my part when it didn’t.

    I see on this site that most of the stories are about NPD males. Well I for one know what its like to live with a NPD female. Its a nightmare mixed with some moments with joy (when it suits her)…then a nightmare.

    Get this when I’m happy and at peace, she pulls the rug out from under me for no reason other than she just desires to do so.

    Wow, so much to say, but for those of you out there who have to deal with NPD’s; remember you are not CRAZY at all!!!

    When you love a NPD who can be charming, charasmatic, amiable and manipulative, hurtful (in the most despiteful way); it leaves one literally confused, confounded, frutrated, angry and so on. I for one have no answer whatsover. Done the counseling many times; everytime some how she managed to make all our relational problems about me while never ever taking responsiblity for what she does.

    I’ve only heard her apologies “once” for what she’s done where she actually meant it. Apologies and remorse is something that is a foreign concept to her. I used to apologies for all the hurts and slights she did to others, until people started telling me to stop excusing her antics. Why do those who love the NPD have to put up with so much? Why haven’t I got up the nerve to just simply walk away? I know the answer, but my children are practically all grown now. Just the daughter is left, and my wife is working hard to make sure my relationship with my daughter is as negative as it can possibly get.

    Why won’t she just stop and realize she has a good husband who cares for her? WHY? WHY???? Help!!!

    Wow. I’m just losing my mind. Hey wait a minute…NPD’s make normal people go crazy….how do I get out without harming my daughter. Get this. My wife has managed to manipulate our childlren so well that I can’t tell them anything at all, unless she approves it first, thus they trivialize what I say or suggest. This has been the norm in this relationship, thus unhealthy.

    I guess I’m sick as well…because I stayed in it. Sobering!

100. Dlkcoil01 Says:
     September 8th, 2011 at 11:41 pm

     Well It looks like I made some typos in my long missive. Forgive them. I hope that one day NPD’s can be helped and those of us who live with them will be able to finaly get some respite from the experience.

     NPD’s relationally are not easy people to deal with at times. All the trigger words and land minds truly create a stressful and unhealthy atmosphere.

     I’ve tried for 24 years now, so when’s enough…just simply enough?

     Look…”Insanity is when one keeps doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome.” I finally understand this.

     I’m trying to move on, but don’t know how to part without going through a heartache.

     Well got to go…If anyone cares and understands thanks for reading. Hopefully I was able to give some helpful insight into the insane world of the NPD and being the husband who has striven to love such a person. Remember…”if you are dealing with a person who is and NPD…YOU ARE NOT INSANE, NOR ARE YOU CRAZY!!!” Do not let her or him convince you otherwise.

     Have a good and wonderful life!

101. Trixie Says:
     September 11th, 2011 at 10:23 am

     I’m married to a narcissist. Can there be “levels” of narcissism? He likes to talk about his very real accomplishments. He’s very successful and not only doesnt depend on me, he excludes me from his business. He is randomly generous (NOT EVER on a gift giving occaission like a birthday). He never beats me, never complains about what I have done or not done. But he never praises me to my face for anything unless its about sex. Oddly, I get feedback from others that he speaks the world of me. He has a lack of empathy for others, laughing at their misfortune or ignoring them altogether (effortless, for him). What others feel or want doesnt matter, those are just tiresome obstacles. Everything should be about him. His narcissistic supply is extremely important to him. He responds positively to anyone who brown-noses him and rages if he feels anyone has challenged him. People who steal from him and brown-nose he treats like they are made out of solid gold and people who try to tell him what is really going on are reviled as paranoid or trying to control him. One of the blood sucking ticks has irritated me to the point I wont abide being in the same town as he. My husband has a sense of entitlement that transcends reality, rules dont apply to him he is special. His 5 children dont speak to him. He doesnt want to share me with my relatives - my son, sisters, neices and nephews, though I give him no choice on that. He “grinds people to a powder” and “takes all the air from the room.” What do I like best about him? That I dont get complaints. What do I like least about him? That he can never acknowledge my work or accomplishments, insisting instead on praising my sexual attractiveness. Or maybe its that he allows people to take advantage of his weakness.

102. Lifeshouldbehappy Says:
     September 20th, 2011 at 9:57 am

     I was lucky, my narcissist ex H only took about 5 yrs of my life. Took time to rebuild my self confidence, grieve, grow and be happy again, but here i am now TRULY happy, self aware, confident and in control of my life that i cant believe my luck. I was deeply happy single but met my man and we soon could not deny the joy we brought to each other - we have just got married. I completely love my husband, real trust, relax and be myself, no eggshells, no fear, just deep daily joy that I KNOW and love him for everything he is and him me. We listen to each others hopes, needs and fears and dreams in almost daily conversations that turn ideas into action that make us BOTH happy. We constantly plan thinks likely to bring MUTUAL JOY - and do them. Together 4 yrs, some learning, frustrations sure, a few never to be repeated mistakes - but not one second of doubt that all he EVER wants is to see me happy. THIS IS WHAT YOU (and kids) DESERVE and need if you choose to stay in a relationship. Anything less and you are living a wasted ghost of a life. 

     By the way, I spent a few years being very happy on my own eventually and got really confident making my own challenging plans and focussing on making them happen, so much so that friends wanted to come along for the ride. I got to be quite the healthy risk taker and loved it. Oh the contentment of not really  needing a friend to help but just wanting friends around because of the simple mutual joy of companionship and learning, no neediness! 

     I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, but surviving that hell eventually made me realise I could do ANYTHING…. so I followed my dreams using the strength I was forced to find…. and they came true. I put myself first for a while to learn who I was again, understand it all and then finally liked myself and ONLY then was I ready, willing and able to give my trust to others. Now I got myself in order, I’m available, willing and able to put other people first a lot and spread some real love. It felt selfish at first but the cliche that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love others is so right. Just don’t stay self absorbed for too long! You need to just DO and have a go, feel the fear, suck it up, do it anyway. Fall over, get up, do it again better. And again. 

     Victims of narc partners still stuck in it have to park their self love/respect/judgement just to get by and this is when the house of cards has already come tumbling down but you dont even know it. I even had to learn some narc behaviour myself to survive, I lost some of my humanity briefly RIGHT there. The hard hard FACT is that they have a destructive, miserable mental disorder that is virtually untreatable- if you step back for just one second - can you rely on THAT for your happiness and well being? Only now do I know I was nuts too hoping I could fix it. I am fully expecting the boffins to find the dud gene that is responsible in the brain wiring for this disorder. I KNOW I didn’t marry a ‘bad guy’ its way more complex. But can you imagine ANY narc stepping forward to give blood for such a trial, well they might if you told them it was to find out why they are always right even when they’re not LOL. 

     Your own happiness, mental and emotional wellbeing are the bedrock from which security and confidence about your future will come. You will feel like you are stepping into the abyss, but do it. You are stepping into YOUR new life  Leave and be you, dont let narc behaviour make you fear yourself. Don’t hate them or fight them either, it’s not even ‘them’ it’s a problem in the brain that you can choose to let bleed the life out of you or not. My ex didn’t like or love himself, or even understand himself at all, despite the Narc front and faked self love. So much so that he was scared to look under his own skin for fear of what he would find. Hate. I got this out of him in one truthful conversation once, oh I felt pity alright. Poor man, lost soul. He still continued to try and destroy my life, to lie, cheat with no remorse. Doesn’t change a thing. Except maybe I felt no need for revenge as he was, and sadly always will be a shell of a man trying to fill it by sucking in the souls  of others. Forget empathy, that button in their brain is off and cannot be switched on.

     Understanding the narc and their personality/reasons feels so important to the victimized partner, I had that for ages. It was like being blind and then suddenly being able to see. The reasons they made me so unhappy were utterly UNimportant in the end. even if you DO understand the narc (who does not even WANT to understand himself let alone you) it does not change the fact that you are unhappy one jot. Period. Focus that same mental energy you spend on looking for answers instead on what you can do to make yourself happy and secure. Narc behavior will try to break your spirit, how can it be right to be with ANYONE who breaks your spirit and makes you FEAR. You HAVE TO stay true to yourself even if you make a few mistakes or even lots. Making mistakes you learn from is a WHOLE lot better than losing yourself. Be brave.

      If you are with someone who makes you deeply unhappy you need to LEAVE AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to feel happy and confident about yourself. Forgive yourself, allow yourself time to grieve and dont let guilt rule you. FORGET what the Narc in your life thinks of you, it DOES NOT MATTER ANY MORE. This is a hard but ABSOLUTELY essential thing for you to learn too. As they clearly don’t demonstrate care about YOUR basic happiness or wellbeing, then why on EARTH would their opinion of you be of any value? Remind yourself of this EVERY TIME they try and make you feel bad. 

     Let’s assume you have left. Yes you may have bad circumstances or money woes, just breath in the clean air and start to think about yourself, just you. You got some kind of shelter and a bit of food I’m guessing at least. Now work up from there with no one allowed to bring you down. You didn’t ask for this to happen but you sure can ask for help. No guilt or shame allowed here! None you hear me, your crisis is way too important to worry about face. You gotta get your life back for goodness sakes. My true friendships deepened and got stronger as a result of taking help, how cool is that. I lost a couple if friends too who couldn’t/didn’t want to handle it and be there. That’s ok, maybe they had their own issues. I was not much fun im sure! I felt badly betrayed for a while but I still hope they find someone wishing to step up to the plate when they need it. 

     Then you will try things, baby steps, some will work and you start to be a real person again. How can your kids develop whole, healthy personalities if you haven’t got your own intact any more?
     To all those feeling stuck and scared to leave: being poor, homeless, jobless, insecure is a WALK IN THE PARK compared to what you are putting up with now. You all seem to KNOW they can’t change already and your life is a spiral of hell so leave. You may not be ready to admit that yet. Staying with a Narc is like being an alcoholic in Denial. You love it and cant leave it but it is slowly, inexorably destroying you. Get on the wagon fast, you have nothing to lose if you can just realise you are living a lie. The love has GONE from them and it was probably never there. Don’t destroy yourself chasing a lost dream.  Let’s say by some miracle they change for good forever and can suddenly make you truly happy, hey you can go back to them if that’s what you really want! 

     You WILL be strong and you WILL be happy. I know that with all my heart for every one of you dealing with a narc. Because you can leave and you will make it happen. I did.

     I am wishing you all the best on your own personal journeys to joyous lives that every one of you deserves. 
     You will only find the light at the end of tunnel when you take that first step out of the darkness.

     In love, respect and eternal hope.
     S

103. Katherine Green Says:
     October 5th, 2011 at 9:19 am

     This is a reply to Clobbered C
     April 7th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

     I was amazed to read your post and I suspect that others posting here missed out on the most telling clues that ‘they have a narc in their midst’ you have posted as if your wife is at fault but by your own admissions on your post you are the one with NPD you came onto posts hoping to seduce sympathy for your predictament. How easy it is to be seduced by the narc fortunately I am a therapist that deals with the victims of NPD otherwise you might have still gone unnoticed. It would appear that your wife does want to divorce you but as you say you won’t allow it, you are fearful for your children, you even have the audacity to ask for advice on how you might survive the next 12 years until your children have grown up. I note you have tried to diagnose your wife’s NPD beginning the time her parents divorced and she lost her beloved father. I would suggest you use this as a weak link to get at her. Interesting for me that you post here…

104. Glock Says:
     October 6th, 2011 at 1:44 am

     I am glad Katherineis notmy therapist. She sounds like a sexist. I am a man with a NPD wife. 21 years of everything being my fault. ” Too fat, unattractive, boring etc. She has alienated me from friends. She constantly tells lies about me to her friends. They act like they are scared of me. My kids are afraid of her. We hurry and straighten the house before she gets home so she won’t have melt down. Nothing is ever good enough. Despite working 40 to 60 hous a week I am still expected to have dinner on the table for what ever time she decides to come home. She comes home complanes that dinner smells awfull. Eats and always has some helpful hints how to make it better. (she can’t cook) Then she plays angry birds while I clean up and do the dishes. Then comes the berating of my housekeeping. While I finish homework with the kids. On and on same story. Men can be victimized by NPD. I am 40% to blame because ipht up with it. When I have had enough I put my foot down and we fight horribly bad. It is easier most of the time to let her live in her fantasy world where the whole world is inferior to her and where everything is my fault. When I pretend this is so, the sex is good so I pretend so I can have sex. So as I say I am responsible for my predicament. And to Katherine Green, I know a man hater when I see one.

105. Rachael Says:
     October 6th, 2011 at 7:34 am

     Just realizing my beau could be a narcissist. I have an appt set up with a therapist in 2 weeks-he is willing to go. Was wondering if I should give the therapist a heads up to what I am thinking.

     Thanks

106. Quinde Says:
     October 11th, 2011 at 8:41 pm

     I have been married to a N husband for 5.5 years and am just figuring this out now. When we first met he was so different. He just kept pursuing me and pursuing me regardless of the countless times I told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. He treated me so good…..said “I love you” after 2 months and I still had a hard time saying it. Wanted to be with me all the time, surprised me with breakfasts, a d special dinners, always made a big deal of any occasion, giving me beautiful gifts. Finally I truly started to feel for him but felt he needed help getting his life in order. He was a store manager at blockbuster video. I pushed him and encouraged him to go back to college and he decided he wanted to join the NYPD! What a HUGE mistake! Ever since he joined the NYPD he has never been the same. Years ago I found a cell phone bill where he was talking to some girl at work for 750 minutes in one month “about our problems.”. I wanted to know what kind of marital advice a single girl had to offer to help our marriage. He admitted being wrong for what he had done and apologized and swore it would never happen again. He even agreed to cancel his texti g plan and change his cell number….but I said no way….that would be too easy!! So he was good for a while until I came home from work one morning to find a pic of him on the computer completely naked that he had sent to some girl on the computer. At first he tried to play it off as if it wasn’t him but I think i know what HE looks like! He cried again not knowing why he does these things and that he doesn’t mean to hurt me. At that point he de decided to go for therapy. He went for a while and claimed that it helped. Now…I’ve never been a very affectionate person and I never initiate sex in the bedroom. Not that I don’t want it….I just don’t feel comfortable initiating…..but I’ve always been this way. Now all of a sudden its a big problem for him. So last year after celebrating our sons first Bday, he decided he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. At that time I felt a lot of the problems were my fault and decided to go to therapy to try to help the situation. He moved in with his mom for 5 weeks. During those 5 weeks he would take our son for a day or so and when my son went t sleep he would go out until all hrs of the morning while my mother in law watched my son. After. 5 weeks we decided to try again both going to therapy but as usual the therapist thT he went to he didn’t like, so that wasnshort lived. For the past year I really thought things were going great but now I realize it was going great bc I was giving him everything he wanted…ENABLING him. Everything he wanted to have done in the house I agreed with just to keep him happy. He got everything but that still wasn’t enough to keep him happy. He had a problem with the fact that I didn’t like him going out to bars and clubs till wee hours of the morning bc I didn’t 100 percent trust him. Well he can’t live without me trusting him so here we are again one year later nd he wants a divorce again. Meanwhile we just signed a contract to do construction on my house and have been talking about having a second child. This time I’m just completely blown away…and so is everyone else that hears about it. He has already told me that I can keep the house and he already saw an apartment that he’s interested in. He talks to me with absolutely no feeling and thinks we are just Best friends now. I can’t bare to look at him bc for some dumb reason, I still have feelings for him. His family are classic enablers. The mom is intimidated by him so whatever he wants or says she.goes along with. My husbands father definitely had NPD or BPD. He just purchased a $36,000 car and that’s whats making him happy now. He can care less about our marriage. He is actually pressuring me about calling the mediator. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. I stuck by him when he was nothing and helped him to get to where he is today and now he is just tossing me and my son to the curb. He swears he is going to be there for my son and wants joint custody but I know the novelty of that will wear off too. I don’t know how to get through is, he is still living at home even though I have asked him to leave several times. He says he is staying somhe can see my son everyday. But I know its just convenient for him for his train schedule to work and he doesn’t want to sleep on the couch at his moms house. He just has no feelings at all. LSt year when we split up for 5weeks I found out he was already seeing some 24 year old bartender. I cant believe how easy it is for him to replace. His dad died almost 2 years unexpectedly and he never truly dealt with his fathers death. Nobody was able to understand how he never broke down and acted like it never happened. He wasn’t even there to help support his mom through the whole tragedy. He just a selfish, self centered idiot that I never saw before. But I’m still stuck on what could have been…..how do I stop these thoughts?????

107. GettingStronger Says:
     October 16th, 2011 at 9:06 am

     Rachael I have set counseling as well. I did ask the counselor if we could have individual sessions in addition to couples sessions. The counselor has agreed. I want us both to have separate session because he says the problems are all my fault and I am unreasonable. I’m confused and not sure if he’s right or not. I don’t think he’s right, but I want professional help figuring it out. If he can hear my husband’s side and mine, then he can hopefully be objective in what he’s hearing.

     With that said, I’ve paid all the bills for two years while he refused to contribute to the household in any meaningful way. I bought the groceries, but he and his kids wouldn’t save me dinner. They laughed and said if you work late, you don’t deserve dinner. He did allow my kids to eat, but it was a very small, measured portion and only given to them after his children were allowed to eat. The story goes on an on. He says none of it is his fault. If he can’t wriggle out and put the blame on me, he rests on a defense of ignorance. He didn’t know it was happening. He never heard me say stop.

     I moved out and I’m finding my strength. I don’t desire to please him all the time. I wish he’d leave me alone. But, he rents a house very close to mine so he can keep an eye on me. He is intrusive on my life. I just changed the locks becuase I think he’s coming into my house when I’m not home. But, then I get confused and I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid and distrusting of him like he says I am.

     Quinde, I was really stuck on what might have been for years. I figured if I loved and healed his hurts, he’d reciprocate and love me back and we’d have this great marriage. He can’t heal my childhood wounds and I can’t heal his. I have to do my own caretaking for me and heal me. Until I heal myself, I can’t get the love I want in life. He may not ever be capable of giving me that love (especially if he doesn’t want to heal his wounds). I’m growing stronger every day and working my own issues. He hates it that I do and works to separate me from my friends and support system. He knows that eventually I’ll leave, so he tries to rip the scabs off those old wounds often and prevent healing. If I sink into the thought pattern that I’m not worthy of love, he will be able to kill my forward progress.

     I don’t have to earn someone’s love. They either love me or they don’t.

108. dave Says:
     October 20th, 2011 at 3:03 pm

     My wife has the prefect storm of mental health disorederd bi polar with a NPD disorder. What a crazy ride…..! Hold on its gonna be crazy…..

109. Pollyana Says:
     November 1st, 2011 at 8:10 pm

     Like a lot of people have said, RUN for the hills if you’re involved with a narcissist! I was dating one for 3.5 years and since we’ve been separated now for over one month, my mind, body and spirit is on the road to healing. Being with him was extremely stressful, the neverending fights, everything is my fault, every person, thing, event was more important to him than me, the emotional pain from his insensitivity and inappropriate behaviors/decisions. Every good thing I have done and sacrificed for him has been a complete waste of time. His manipulative, stinginess, calculating ways have scarred me temporarily…but everyday I am away from him, I feel better and happier. Narcissists are not able to give love because they don’t have love within. They were raised by narcissistic parents and are therefore unable to love. Loving narcissists is like throwing your money in a black hole. It goes nowhere. They suck up your love and it goes nowhere. They continue to drain you until you are an empty shell like them. Leave them now before you become like them. Move forward with your life and you will heal and find joy again. Leave knowing in your heart that you gave it your all. No regrets just sadness and pity for the narcissist who is permanently damaged with a mentality of a two-year old.

110. Recovering from my N Says:
     November 19th, 2011 at 1:46 pm

     I have just spent over an hour reading these accounts - and they are the most honest, helpful accounts of what living with a narcissist is REALLY like. I have been separated and divorced now for 4 years, after 22 years with my N. It was GREAT in the beginning, we bonded quickly and I truly thought he was my best friend. I shared everything with him that had ever happened to me, all my fears, disappointments, failings, etc. That was certainly a mistake as, over the years he used all of that material against me to try and keep me in line. An early warning sign I completely ignored was his violent rages. Duh, you might say. But I thought that was only a small side of him, due to a frustrating circumstance, and always ended with him feeling shame (or so I thought) and me comforting him. Wow, just writing this helps me see how crazy that line of thnking is! But he was handsome, charming and lots of fun to be around. I was never bored. He was fast-moving, future oriented, always making money, planning fun trips for us (usually with other people or to visit frieds in other states) and live was really fun (except for the bad episodes, which, instead of diminishing as we grew older, became more frequent and violent. But I desperately wanted to be married and have children so I stayed with him - and NEVER told anyone else of the dark moments. Another mistake. It’s hard to reveal the problems in your relationship - I was embarrassed. Now I feel telling someone might have saved me from the pain I feel today. We got married and had a beautiful son. He seemed so loving to our son, played with him, etc. But was not interested in disciplining him at all. That became my job. He always wanted the problems (crying, screaming kid) to go away and would give anything to him to make that happen. My son thought Daddy was the best - of course. He took off his wedding ring (on strike) he said. Meanwhile, I cooked, cleaned our house top to bottom and did everything our son needed, school, dr. appointments, playdates, reading, etc. He almost cheated on me, told me in a restaurant, but apparently the woman wouldn’t have him. I actually counseled him about it and told him she had been just toying with him. Surreal. I wanted another child and after one sexual episode became pregnant. He said, “How can I leave now?” That would make him look pretty bad - to leave his wife when she is pregnant. I cried through the whole pregnancy. Gave birth to another beautiful son - who actually is such a happy kid I can’t believe it. My N husband “fed” off this kid’s devotion for about 5 years then left me for a woman who worked for him (after he had given her a fat raise and made her a dept. head!) He badmouthed me to his folks and told our kids the divorce was all my fault. He blalmed our nonexistant sex life on me and told my six year old son that. My sons were so angry with me and my now 15 year old is failing in school and angry with us both. My relationship with my sons has been ruined, their childhood innocence shattered and the joy of my life entirely wiped away. My only solace is that I no longer live with the man and have to be scared of him yelling at me into the wee hours. Those nights were hell. But the damage will never be undone. Meanwhile co parenting with this man in divorce has been a nightmare. He has disagreed with everything I want for my sons and manipulated me in what was a very difficult time. Fortunately I did ok financially as he shared half of the assets with me so I am able to make a fresh start. Now I am trying to get some kind of career going as I was completelelly financially dependent on him, (I was cooking a gourmet meal almost every night, cleaning and decorating our homes over the years and providing ALL child care and activities, yet he called me a sloth because I didn’t work outside the house for $).
     Anyway, that’s my sad story to share with the lot here. I hope anyone reading these will summon the courage to get out of a relationship that even sounds like it has any of these aspects. A true loving partnership should NOT make you feel bad about yourself, your talents, abilities and entire personality!!!!! If someone loves you at the beginning, there is no logic to them making you the source of all their problems at the end - that’s the narcissist talking. Any decent person supports the other parent and their relationship with their kids. My heart is completely broken and I wouldn’t wish this for anyone. I have found it really helpful to write things down so I can read them for myself. I only wish I had done it sooner throughout our crazy relationship so maybe I could have seen the light sooner. But still, I didn’t want to break up my family so I would have stayed. My boys were so sad and angry when their dad moved out. They really blamed me for not being a “better wife.” This almost killed me and made life very difficult. I’m feeling more balanced now but it’s going to be a long, long process and I will never get back the joy and happiness on my kids faces when our family was having a fun time together. This makes me so sad. I wanted so much more for them and cannot provide it. We will go on and survive but please anyone out there don’t marry someone before you know them really well and have been through difficult times and seen their character under stress. Talk to friends, see a counselor, tell them your concerns. Don’t doubt yourself. The cost is too high.

111. Sarum Says:
     November 27th, 2011 at 3:29 pm

     I have just left a relationship after 4 years with a man I thought I would marry. Prince Charming - so attentive, so in love with me etc. After a couple of years of one of us flying every weekend - I moved cities to be with him and gave up my entire life leaving behind family friemds etc. I realised very quickly that despite an incredibly successful career and powerful position at the top level of the govt he suffered from alcoholism and depression - the second he admitted from the get- go but the first only very recently. In a session 3 days ago with a counsellor discussing grief (as I have also recently lost my father and then also our family home in the recent NZ earthquake) she mentioned the word narcissist to me and I have been reading on the subject ever since. My god - talk about a lightbulb going on! I knew I was dealing with someone who had no empathy, who tried to blame me for everything, who became incoherent with rage when criticised, who after our breakup - which he initiated - tried to make it all my fault, who accused me of inventing my mothers illness, who at the age of 45 spent hours on line with girls 20 years younger flirting ( something I only discovered again as we were breaking up), who has addiction and attention and depression issues, whose self esteem revolves around the massive salary and power and new cars, and who was physically assaulted by his father and not protected by his mother. But when I saw all of this and so much more describing the patterns of behaviour I just could not understand, all spelt out under one banner, I cried with relief. So now I understand. I understand where its come from and why he has been two people in one - the charming kind man I loved and the cruel vicious monster. And now I understand I can start to put it to bed. I am just so thankful that I did not marry him. Of course I am still partly in love with him but now I see it all clearly I can have the true strength to not look back. What an insidious and awful thing it is.

112. Oldcow Says:
     December 3rd, 2011 at 10:58 pm

     I have been with the same man for 24 years. Early on in the relationship problems began. He turned suddenly cold. Started to run around with friends, narrowed my car and disappeared for most f the night. Later he told me we were just room mates, when I asked what that meant he said that we were just friends who shared an apartment. I asked so what if I have another boyfriend. He said he didn’t care. I said what if I bring him home? He said he didn’t care so long answer didn’t make too much noise for him to study. Time passed. He made up to me. He would not marry me though, nor would he let me go. Still more ime passed. More offenses. He had female “friends” he even entertained one in our apartment on a night he had promised to help me to study for my final exams.

113. Anonymous Says:
     December 7th, 2011 at 12:29 pm

     In the unlikely event that your narcissistic spouse agrees to counseling, I can almost guarantee it will be a waste of time. Narcissism is not synonymous with stupidity. Most such people are both intelligent and very adept at hiding what they are. They are also good at convincing a counselor that YOU, the spouse, are the one at fault. You would be far better off to dump a narcissist if at all possible because you will not only be sleeping with the enemy, you will be sleeping with a rattlesnake who can and will bite you repeatedly at the least provocation. Another analogy that comes to mind is that of the vampire, and not the sweet, soulful kind in the Twilight series. In fact, the whole vampire legend, as it originally existed, may well have been patterned from someone with NPD. They can literally suck all the life, love, and joy right out of you.

114. kay Says:
     December 27th, 2011 at 2:26 pm

     I find this thread quite inspiring but at the same time sad to see how many people or couples have/had been involved with narcissist, just like me. One tip for those not sure if they’re with a narcissist or not is to evaluate or notice the family dynamics, as its a good give away that the individual you live with is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies.For years I tried to get my husband and mother to be closer. He tried to run away while she tried to smother him with affection to the point that it seemed unnatural to many observers. My mother in-law was a dead giveaway but I didn’t notice until years later as at first glance she appears as a very nurturing and overly kind woman. I should have realized there was something wrong with his family when he refused to live anywhere near his mother who turned out to incredibly overbearing , controlling and loves to play the victim role or manipulate him emotionally to make him feel guilty. Initially, I thought she was a nice woman until I discovered that all her kindness was simply a ploy to control her son through me!.
     I can honestly say that my husband of nearly 18 years has just about every single symptom or characteristics mentioned in all these threads, except for the part of hitting me but it will happen eventually if I remain in this marriage as it is right now. Its just a matter of when with his temper tantrums and anger issues to which he admits but does nothing to change.
     Im actually ready to throw in the towel but promised myself and him that i would try couples and individual counseling(for me) before I opt for a divorce , although this topic of divorce has been a frequent and common issue for most of our marriage and clearly inevitable. I dont believe the counseling will help him but may help me with dealing with him as the father of my kids and may help in keeping our post marriage relationship “civil” and “cordial” for the sake of our kids. My kids also adore him as he’s the fun dad , while I appear as the strict mom who has to discipline them,ensure they take care of their responsibilities(school, chores, rules, etc), on top of their social lives (friendships, associations,etc) while he plays or enjoys the fun activities with them so I can appear as the “mean parent”. I recall 10 years ago when I wanted to divorce him for the 1st time (I had a job and money from a house sale which would allow me to be independent)he told our son (5 yrs old at the time) that I would be blamed for breaking up the family because Im asking for a divorce and he should blame me if he doesn’t see his father ever again because he would remarry and live outside of the country with his new family!! I stayed for the sake of my kids who were young at the time and he had promised to go to counseling which he never followed up.
     After many readings and years of study on this behavioral/mental disorder, I also realize that I am an “enabler” and really helped in the development of this narcissistic man. I have to accept responsibility that I contributed to many of his antics, abuse , and allowed many of his behavior to persist for so long. Although Im also a victim to some degree ,once i realized that he was mentally ill I should have taken the necessary measures to leave him or get help. I was totally dependent(emotionally, financially) on this man for the better part of my marriage as he wanted me to remain a stay at home mother for his sake , not the kids. He was comfortable with me not having my own independence (financially) and was very happy to have total control. I grew up with very low self esteem, and after many readings on this type of illness I realized that the narcissist prey on those with low/lack of self esteem or those that believe that they can “help” them. Except that the help you offer t hem has to be on their(narcissists) terms only. I’ve reached to the point where Im starting to hate my husband and I dont want to feel this way. I dont have the ability to cry anymore as I’ve cried for over 18 yrs with him. I actually pity him sometimes as I know he’s not happy with himself, despite the fact that they appear cocky, arrogant and very self assured, they’re not. Most if not all, have self esteem issues and in order to make themselves feel better they have to demean, humiliate, control, blame , abuse and use others to feel better about themselves.
     Eventually, I gain the courage to go back to school 3 yrs ago to finish my Bachelors, and then my Masters just this month. I have a secure job paying a higher salary than him which can afford me to sustain all my household expenses. Since all this , I’ve noticed some improvement in his behavior, but at this point, I have chanced into a different person. I have better self esteem, Im more confident, more secure about my future and dont need him to feel good about myself. Im surrounded by friends for the first time in nearly 20 years (he didnt like me having friends) and can really see a brighter and better future without him. After returning to school , which he never supported me on, he decided to go back to school too (change of career) and he’s considering getting his Masters! how surprising. Its always a competition with him, but he would swear its all in my mind. The way I see it the more successful he is, the better he’ll be able to afford the child support payments, although knowing how vindictive and vengeful he is, he probably wont pay; but Im not relying on his “unreliable” child support payment for my independence and future. I rather dedicate my energy into him maintaining a relationship with our kids than to fight for child support payments.
     At this juncture, I hope Im successful in locating a therapist that specializes with Narcissists in my area. I wish everyone the best of luck in finding peace and the courage to move on and do what’s best for them/and their kids for once in their lives.

115. Gitana Says:
     January 7th, 2012 at 2:13 pm

     Wow! I’ve been reading all of the post and I am beginning to understand my boyfriend. He is a very tall man with a nice build, could be a football player. He is exteemely concerned about his appearence, little things like scars and scratches freak him out. He is also a gambling addict and I believe a sex addict. I just found out he has cheated on me with another woman for the entire time of our relationship. Prior to this he had cheated with someone he met online, so at some point he was dating three women. He dreams of becoming a baseball or football player even though he is past thirty. He depends on others financially and doesn’t assume responsibility. As a kid he was diagnosed with ADHD and was physically and verbally abused by his drug addict father. He has shared details about his cheating and has told me he had no remorse for lying and doesn’t feel bad about it. He wants to get back together but I’m so weak I’m afraid I might fall back into his trap.

116. C.C. Says:
     January 16th, 2012 at 10:55 pm

     I have a good friend who is about to re-marry his narcissist second wife and it is very distressing for me and for his mother and daughters. The narcissist ran after him when he had just divorced his first wife. Once he was “hooked” she did her best to drive my friend’s two twenty-something daughters out of his life. She also did her best to come between him and his wonderful, elderly mother, with whom he has always had a close relationship. After a few years of marriage, fighting and unsuccessful marriage counseling, the narcissist secretly packed up and left him. He was devastated. My friend slowly rebuilt his life and worked to repair the relationship with his daughters. Now, years later, the narcissist is ready to suck the life out of him again. So she swooped in from out of state and he fell for her again. I figured out what she was and sent him all kinds of information about narcissists, hoping to warn him away from her. He just thanked me for the information and ignored it. And after swearing for seven years that he’d never marry anyone ever again, he’s just announced they are going to get married. I am sick. His mother is terribly upset. His daughters are upset. I have learned the hard way that there is NOTHING friends or family can do to prevent victims of narcissists from being sucked into an abusive relationship. It’s terrible. It is like watching someone you love take heroin, knowing you can’t help or stop them. It’s very painful, even for those of us who are not in the narcissistic relationship. I wish all of you the strength to take care of yourselves and your children…and to realize that even when the narcissist is charming and loving towards you, it is only an act because they are emotionally incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

117. Kboy Says:
     January 18th, 2012 at 7:08 am

     I am a narcissist. I just had to say it somewhere. Everywhere I look there is no hope. It seems like it would be so easy to fix it and be honest but It isn’t. I don’t know how. I almost feel bad for posting this like maybe I have some ulterior motive. The problem is I am everything all these online articles say and now what? I can’t afford therapy. My wife is amazing and I love her more than anything but I know I am hurting her too. Should I walk away for her benefit? Is there anyone who has overcome this bullsh!t way to live? This is deeply disturbing to me and I have to fix it. How? Anyone?

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