A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Many couples tell me that their marriage would be better if they didn’t have so many disagreements. In fact…is there any couple that would like more disagreements in their marriage? No, we want less conflict. Fewer arguments, in other words. How can you do that? Well, one really good way to begin that process is to identify the roles that you and your spouse play when it comes to talking about issues that you disagree about.
Most often what we see is that one spouse plays the role we call the “pursuer” and the other is the “withdrawer.” The pursuer and the withdrawer.
What is a pursuer? Here are some of the things I hear pursuers say: “He ignores me. He’s hardly ever around. He works too much. He never listens to me. I’m not very high on his priority list. He doesn’t listen to me. I feel like we’re just roommates.” Does any of that sound like someone you know?
Now, what does a withdrawer say? Check these out: “She takes little things and blows them way out of proportion. She brings up things that happened 10 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I never get it right. I’m not sure I could ever make her happy. When she gets angry I just shut down and want to get away.”
Have you figured out whether you are a pursuer or a withdrawer? What about your spouse? Typically the woman is the pursuer and the man is the withdrawer.
So once you and your spouse know which roles you play, how do you use that knowledge to improve your marriage?Answer: if you’re a pursuer, you can work on “softening” the things you say, such as changing critical statements into I statements that talk about how you feel. For example, “I feel lonely when you work so late” is much softer than “you work too much.” This kind of phrasing improves communication and makes your spouse less defensive. If you’re a withdrawer, you can resolve to try to stay more engaged in discussions, which becomes easier once the pursuing spouse begins to soften her communication.
Tags: argument, Communication, Emotionally Focused Therapy
This entry was posted on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 at 3:08 pm and is filed under Marriage Therapist's Tips.
2 Responses to “Marriage Therapist’s Tip #4: Identify Your Roles”
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December 3rd, 2010 at 5:16 pm
I guess my wife is the pursuer and I’m the withdrawer. I just heard that statement in the last month or so exactly as you phrased it from my wife “I feel like we are just roomates” and I’ve told her I can never make her happy. Heres the question I have for you. What can you do if your wife does say something like “I feel like we’re just roomates… just friends” and that there is no reason she can see for it. This happened on a day I brought flowers home for no reason. Anyway, it’s hard to work on a marriage when one partner says they are no longer reallyc committed and don’t feel anything but there is nothing. She’s scared of how it will be in 20 years.
June 9th, 2011 at 11:08 am
My wife drop this bombshell on me this last month. We’ve been married 27 years and there could not of been a statement that made me fill like I had been kicked in the stomach. I do and always have Loved her. I worked to much, drank to much and mislead her on money issue trying not to cause undue worry for her. For the past 5 years I have became permently disable, and have found this is the only reason she has not left me before now. Now that I am getting better she has decided that we’re just room mates. Now is about the time that we could do all the things that we always want to do. The kids are grown, I have some money,(not a lot) coming in from 2 sources.All I want is to please her and spend the rest of my life with her. The only other possible factor is she just turned 46 and I’m 51. Is it the 40 year itch or do I have a chance to make this work?