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Feb 16

Marriage Therapist’s Tip #6: Learn How to Discuss the Issues

By Jay Slupesky
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Marriage Therapist's Tips

Happy Couple after Marriage TherapyEvery couple has some issues that they disagree about. If you would like to make your marriage even better, you can polish your discussion skills. How can you do that?  Here are five good ways recommended by author John Gottman:

  • Start Softly.  It’s important to start the discussion in a calm and respectful way. It’s good make I statements, not You statements, and describe the problem without making a judgment.
  • Make and Receive Repair Attempts. Throughout the discussion, remember to point out the aspects that you agree about. This helps to deescalate tension.  Maintain a sense of humor.   If you realize that you’re wrong about something, don’t hesitate to say so. Apologize if you say something you regret.
  • Soothe Yourself, Soothe Your Spouse.  It’s hard to think rationally when you’re angry.  So it’s best for an angry person to soothe himself or herself before continuing the discussion. Take a break.  Go for a walk. Then come back and continue the discussion when you’ve calmed yourself.
  • Compromise. In a happy marriage, there is going to be a lot of compromising. If one person gets their way most of the time, the other person is going to build up resentment. If you’re going to compromise, you can’t close your mind off to considering what your spouse wants.
  • Be Tolerant of One Another’s Faults.  No one is perfect.  If you expect perfection, it’s going to be difficult for you and your spouse to solve problems. Instead, focus your thoughts on your spouse’s positive aspects so that you can live with their imperfections.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, February 16th, 2008 at 5:21 pm and is filed under Marriage Therapist's Tips.

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