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Feb 19

Marriage Therapist’s Tip #7: Be Empathetic

By Jay Slupesky
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Marriage Therapist's Tips

Couple With Empathetic MaleEmpathy. What does that mean?  By my definition, you are empathizing with your spouse when you understand exactly how they feel, and you even begin to feel the same way. If you would like to make your marriage even better, take this as a personal challenge: when your spouse is talking, try to put yourself in their shoes.  Then imagine how you would feel in whatever situation they are describing. Chances are that by realizing how you would feel, you’ve just figured out how your spouse feels.  Now go ahead and validate them.  For example, “I’ll bet that made you really angry.”  Or maybe, “you must be really excited.”  When your spouse says, “yes, that’s how I felt,” when you’ve nailed the feeling, score one for yourself. That’s because when your spouse believes that you completely understand how they feel, you have accomplished something wonderful. You have been empathetic, and you have achieved an emotional connection.  You are truly united at that moment.  This can a very healing experience, by the way.

Of course, empathy gets a little harder when you are the subject of the emotion, for example, during a disagreement. This is when you get to take your skills to the next level and become an empathy master!  You have to resist that tendency to be defensive. Those kinds of explanations can come later, after some tension has been defused. First, can you figure out and then say how your spouse is feeling about you?  Can you say, for example, “I can understand that you were annoyed when I forgot to call you.”  This can be a real tension-reducer.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008 at 1:56 pm and is filed under Marriage Therapist's Tips.

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