A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
John Gottman writes and speaks about how important it is for couples to have lots of conversation. He points out that a good conversation every day has a big effect of reducing stress between two people. In marriage counseling, I frequently find myself in the position of trying to get couples to talk to each other more than they do. I doing so, I have met the enemy, and the enemy is television.
I am amazed at how much television people watch these days. When I ask couples how they spend a typical evening, many of them say something like “eat dinner, watch TV all evening, then go to bed.” I point out to them that it’s hard to have a conversation with the television on. In response, some people say they talk during the commercials! This is when I roll my eyes (actually I can’t roll my eyes, but if I could, I would do it at this point). Even if you mute the television while the commercials are on, most people are still looking at the screen. So how good can the conversation be if (1) it can only be as long as the commercials last, and (2) instead of looking at the person you’re speaking with, you are looking at the television? Not very good.
Of course, this presumes that both people are watching the same television. Some couples tell me that one person watches television in one room while the other watches a different television in a different room. This is because they don’t like the same shows. Yikes! Don’t people want to be together anymore? And what happened to compromise, at least when it comes to deciding what to watch?
As a marriage counselor, I work lots of evenings because that’s the only time a lot of couples can attend counseling sessions. Because I work evenings, I couldn’t watch much TV even if I wanted to. I don’t even know who is in the running for American Idol. I’ve never seen House or Desperate Housewives. Oh well.
So, a modest proposal: turn off the TV an hour earlier (or turn it on an hour later) than you normally would, and do something (anything) else. Play a game (Twister, anyone?). Go for a walk. Give each other massages. Oh yeah, and talk to each other.
Tags: Communication, suggestions, television
This entry was posted on Sunday, April 13th, 2008 at 4:18 pm and is filed under Marriage Therapist's Tips.
4 Responses to “Marriage Therapist’s Tip: Turn Off the Television!”
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April 13th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I couldn’t agree more! TV is a relationship buster.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
An Italian study published in early 2006 reported some very interesting findings. The two results that really stood out for me were: 1) Couples who had a TV in their bedroom had sex half as frequently as couples who don’t have TVs in the boudoir. And that number gets worse as people age. 2) Couples are also half as likely to make love after watching shows containing violence. Even reality shows were said to dampen a couple’s enthusiasm for canoodling by one third.
Your suggestion of turning on the TV one hour later (or off earlier) is a good one. I think people will amaze themselves how much this small step will improve their relationship.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 am
I hate TV, I don’t watch TV because is simply boring for me, just wasted time that can be used for any positive purpose. But my wife is almost an addict, I feel more and more as the TV is a kind of adversary because every night after 9 pm she is switchs on the TV like an hypnotyzed human and does not care about our relationship. I’m trying to convince her with in a careful way but it’s like talking about how bad is drinking to an alcoholic person. The displacement feeling (by a stupid device like a TV) is quite depressing.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I’ve heard about football widows, but I’ve not experienced that because what my husband watches is basketball. He watches all the NBA games, all the March madness, all the All-Star games, all the trades and drafts, and whatever else the teams get up to. He also shares season tickets and goes to half the home games all season. My family never watched televised sports of any kind when I was growing up, so I was astonished how many games are on TV and how much time it takes up. A televised game is longer than a movie! I’m glad he has an interest in something he loves, but I am just not interested in watching sports. I think you have to start watching them when you are young to get into it, and when I was growing up we never watched any sports, not even the Olympics. Sometimes, I do sit in the same room with him and read a book, but often I have to leave because the volume is just too loud and my husband tends to suddenly cry out or swear at the game, making me jump.