More Rules of Marriage

Jun 11

By Jay Slupesky

Last week, I introduced a book by Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage. The author hopes to help men and women learn new rules to help them succeed in their twenty-first-century marriage (probably more challenging now than ever before!). He offers various principles, practical tools, and effective strategies to help create intimacy, honesty, passion, and joy.

Real identifies four principles or “operating instructions” for twenty-first century couples:

Relationship Empowerment: This principle focuses on putting your full self and full strength into the relationship. This approach is intentionally different from other options like acquiescing or, alternatively, focusing only on yourself and your needs. Relationship empowerment means valuing and empowering your spouse as well, thus helping the two of you to succeed.
Full-Respect Living: Commitment to this principle means that you respect yourself and others (i.e., your spouse) no matter what. Regardless of what comes up, you choose respect. You do not tolerate or perpetuate anything else.
Relationship Practice: Similar to Hendrix’s “conscious marriage” this principle calls for the cultivation of a “second consciousness” by continuing to bring the more regressed, ineffective, childish parts of yourself into adulthood. Despite strong (and sometimes seemingly overwhelming) pulls to live into old habits, roles, patterns and behaviors, relationship practice means that you choose (with all of your will!) to continue on a new, more conscious, healthy and rewarding path.
Second Consciousness: This principle is about growing or strengthening the above-mentioned part of yourself that is more emotionally and relationally mature, rational, and constructive. This requires a commitment to growth, acquiring additional skills and tools, and empowering yourself to override old knee-jerk responses and reactions (the former consciousness).

With these principles as a foundation, next week I will talk about ten of twenty helpful practices that Real offers couples to strengthen and grow their marriage.

Tags: rules

This entry was posted on Friday, June 11th, 2010 at 1:07 pm and is filed under Marriage Dynamics.

4 Responses to “More Rules of Marriage”

Surviving Divorce Says:
June 15th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Hey the book is great I have read it…wonderful tips to follow
Matrimonial Says:
June 21st, 2010 at 12:17 am
Marriage is a beautiful journey in which two individuals promise to be their for each other in all walks of life. On this moving wheel of life two different souls always have to give their support, concern and trust to bring beauty, charm and smoothness in their relationship.

In this relationship, nothing is about ‘you’ or ‘me’; everything is about ‘we’. Success can be of one, but celebration is for both. Problem can be of one, but the solution will be by both. This is the beauty of this relationship that’s supposed to be maintained by mutual efforts of both.
Christian Marriage Advice Says:
August 20th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Hello there,

Nice rules of Marriage! Marriage is a life long commitment that should be taken care of very well. Influence of a strong marriage relationship will affect generations of generations.
pam Says:
June 8th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Hi

I just wanted to say to #2–I don’t believe that everything is about “we”– this encourages codependency. there are 2 seperate people each responsible for themselves and choices as people. When we say everything is a we– it’s like we are resonsible for our mate’s behavior. We are not. there are 2 individual will’s and lives here, each making decisions. In healthy marriage, hopefully 2 indiviudals comprimise and communicate effectively to make decisions and make each other happy. Take the we out of marrige more, and you will have 2 happy individuals that are married.

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