A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Aug 16

No Name-Calling!

By Jay Slupesky
Add comments
Unclear on the Concept

Remember when you were a kid and you got in trouble for calling someone a name? Did your mother wash your mouth out with soap? Or did your kindergarten teacher make you stand in the corner? Hopefully most of us learned at some point or another during our childhood that it is wrong to call someone else a name - especially to his or her face.

Angry Teacher What names do kids call each other now? I shudder to think! When I was a boy, things were pretty tame compared to how they are now. Calling someone a “dumb head” was about as bad as it got.

And of course, as kids we had the classic response: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Wrong! Names can hurt. They can hurt a lot.

There is a nation-wide movement afoot now to address the problem and try to reduce the frequency and intensity of name-calling among school-age children. The program is targeted toward grades 5 through 8, which seems to be when the problem is particularly acute. It is an annual event called No Name-Calling Week.

I am in favor of No Name-Calling Week (who could be opposed to it?) but I would like to take this no name-calling concept to the next level, as they say. I would like to propose the No Name-Calling Marriage. Notice that I did not limit my plan to one week. By not specifying a time limit, I am implying that it has to last for the duration of the marriage.

As a marriage therapist working with 25 to 30 couples at any given time, it’s pretty rare for me to get rattled. Yet -somehow - during a marriage counseling session, when I hear about an instance of name-calling between the two spouses, it rivets my attention and disappoints me. I always stop and explain that name-calling is never a good idea in a loving relationship.

Name-calling within a relationship is usually considered to be verbal abuse. At the very least, it is a form of contempt, which is something I strive to eliminate in a relationship. I ask couples who are counseling with me to commit to no abuse any kind, and this includes verbal abuse.

Do you really want to hurt and/or put down the person you love? I certainly hope not. Don’t call that person a name. And don’t let him or her call you a name either.

Tags: ,

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 16th, 2007 at 6:49 pm and is filed under Unclear on the Concept.

2 Responses to “No Name-Calling!”

  1. ringtonescoilsonsomimi Says:
    July 29th, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Your site- eastbaycouples.com is amazing site, tnks, admin.

  2. Walter Says:
    August 11th, 2008 at 10:03 am

    I came from an abusive and sometimes a very dysfunctional upbringing, yet am not married and I’ve been trying to help out the military wives with moral support. I am disabled and a veteran, so I thought of giving back to those that need it the most,Family’s of military spouses. One of the things that I’ve learned from my past was Communication is vital in any relationship between 2 or more human beings. As you may know, in a marriage where both parties scream and verbally abuse the other with name calling and bringing up past mistakes about the other, The conversation usually loses it’s focus, to the point where both parties forgot what they were arguing about in the first place. I once suggested that in this type of relationship both parties agree to using a tape recorder as a tool only. Needless to say, many thought that this suggestion was immature. Why ? I wish I knew the answer because I’ve used a tape recorder in many conversations just to help out in case of “He said/She Said and for validation purposes only. What are your thoughts of using such a tool such as this ?

Leave a Comment