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Think back to your childhood.  Do you remember a time when you got in trouble or were punished for something you didn’t intend to do?  Take a moment now to put yourself back in that situation and recall how you felt as your parent (or caregiver) reacted without even trying to understand what actually happened. Did you feel angry? Misunderstood? Hurt? Unnecessarily criticized? Unfairly treated? Disrespected?

Most likely, you can identify with this. You might have even have sworn that you would never do this to someone else. The unfortunate reality is that many of us end up doing this to our partner or spouse!  Sadly, a sudden and often intense reaction (that can end up feeling like a punishment to the other person) often precedes a full understanding of the situation.

Here’s a “for instance”. A friend of mine described an outing she had with her husband. They went on a bike ride, sharing quality time and enjoying the sunny weather. Everything was going well until her husband accidentally cut her off on the bike path, resulting in her losing her balance and falling. She verbally lashed out at him. Yes, of course, she was hurt, but did her husband did not intend for that to happen.

So what went wrong?  My friend assumed that her husband cut her off intentionally. Instead of assuming the best about him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the worst. She didn’t gain any information or try to understand whether or not he meant to cut her off. You might be thinking, “Well, she still fell and got hurt, whether he meant to cut her off or not.”  Yes.  But that doesn’t justify her yelling at her husband about it.

The effect of not giving your partner or spouse the benefit of the doubt has its consequences. In the above example, the husband felt extraordinarily hurt and angry due to feeling completely misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and disrespected.

Bottom line: While it might be difficult at times, practice assuming the best about your partner or spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt in all situations—even when you are adversely affected—until you have information or understanding to prove otherwise. When your partner or spouse does something that makes you feel like lashing out or criticizing, take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that giving him or her the benefit of the doubt is a way to diffuse tension, misunderstandings, and potential retaliations. And it’s also a powerful act of love and respect. And I guarantee that in the end, you’ll feel better about yourself too.

It’s perfectly normal for there to be occasional disagreements and conflict in healthy relationships andmarriages. While this type of interaction is probably not ideal, it truly is part of the reality of being in a committed relationship. Living side by side with another human being who may have a very different background and different ideas about life and money and family means that misunderstandings and miscommunications are inevitable.

What is interesting (if not completely awesome) is that while some conflicts are unavoidable, research has shown that having a reserve or reservoir of positive, caring exchanges and interactions can soften the blow. In fact, it can even help you to avoid overreacting to a misunderstanding. Think about it: if your spouse took the time to stop and notice something you did, or asked about a current stressful situation in your life, you will most likely feel more loved, attended to, and supported. Or consider if you and your partner shared a mutually loving and positive interaction or experience which increased your reservoirs of goodwill—such as taking a walk or hike together, working on a project around the house, cooking a meal together, having a “date night”, etc.—you will most likely feel better and closer and more willing to overlook momentary miscommunications or irritations.

So if it is true that this reservoir of goodwill serves as an antidote to potential squabbles, why not practice filling your spouse’s resorvoir? It’s free and painless and while it may feel like a drop in the bucket, it’s can be so much more. Enough drops over time create a reserve that can be drawn upon when conflict does arise.  I think of it as “saving for a rainy day.”

A few additional notes:

• Challenge yourself to notice — not as a task or a chore but as a positive choice. It’s amazing how much you will begin to notice if you intentionally look for different and new ways to affirm your spouse.
• If you cannot find anything on which to positively comment, or any activity to share with your spouse, try to learn: ask questions and get to know your spouse better. What matters most? What are some favorite hobbies or activities? What does a day in his or her life really look like? What are his/her goals, hopes and dreams?
• Make sure that you find the best times to have these exchanges. Find out when your spouse is the least distracted and most open and able to receive what you have to share.
• Last but not least, it’s not about you. The goal is to focus on your partner’s reservoir of goodwill regardless of how well or how equally you believe that your own reservoir is being filled. Give to give more, don’t give to get.

I never saw an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8; since I work evenings there are a lot of shows that I don’t get to see. However, I knew something was up when I saw Jon and Kate on the covers of the People magazines in my waiting room week after week. As I understand, it was a reality show about a couple who had twins and sextuplets, but that the couple went into crisis due at least in part to infidelity, and is now separated and possibly divorcing. The skeptic in me wonders if the whole thing was preplanned and orchestrated to boost the show’s ratings (if so, the plan was very successful).

What really caught my eye, though, was that Jon appeared on Good Morning America recently and discussed counseling. He said that Kate refused to go to marriage counseling with him.  That’s interesting enough, because usually it’s the husband who refuses to go to counseling with his wife.  However, here’s what really, really got my attention: on the show, Jon said, “I have a $22,000 therapy bill. I mean, I tried to have marriage counseling. I did it myself. She refused to go.”

Yes, he did say a $22,000 therapy bill.

Let’s do the math.  Assuming therapy costs around $100 per session, that’s 220 therapy sessions - or four years if he went once a week.  That’s unlikely!  If he went to a really, really expensive therapist, he might have paid $200 per hour, but that’s still 110 sessions, or two years at one session per week. Also unlikely.

So count me as skeptical about the $22,000 therapy bill.

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but that’s OK because (1) it’s interesting and (2) it might influence someone in a good way. According to a study to be published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, people who had been divorced or widowed had more illness than married people.  The singles suffered 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer.  The study was done on 9000 adults between the ages of 51 and 61.

To be sure, this study does not prove that divorce causes people to be sicker.  It does show that there is a correlation between the two, though.  The cause could be something else, for example, maybe people who don’t take very good care of themselves physically don’t take very care of their relationships either.

If I can draw that analogy out a little further: when you’re seriously sick, you should see a doctor.  When you relationships is seriously in trouble, you should see a marriage therapist.

Over the weekend my wife and I watched the movie Fireproof, a Christian-oriented drama about a thirty-something firefighter, Caleb, whose marriage is in crisis for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is hooked on internet porn and his wife knows it. Caleb and his wife, Catherine, come very close to divorcing, but reconcile at the end of the movie after Caleb gets his act together, cuts out the porn, and starts treating his wife better. (I hope I haven’t spoiled it for anyone who hasn’t seen the film yet - but of course you know the movie has to have a happy ending!)

In addition to his porn problem, Caleb is portrayed as self-centered and a hothead who typically handles his anger by going outside and kicking the trash cans around while screaming his frustrations.  Catherine, on the other hand, is trying to be a good wife but is constantly hurt by what her husband says and does.

In a nutshell, the marriage is saved when Caleb takes his wise father’s advice to follow the instructions in a book called The Love Dare, which gives specific details about how to treat your spouse. By doing what The Love Dare says to do, Caleb is transformed from a selfish jerk into a thoughtful and loving husband.

The skeptical among us would wonder if the movie is a cleverly-disguised advertisement for the book (available on Amazon.com!).  But I digress.

The advice in The Love Dare is very concrete and behavioral.  It’s a 40-day program with a specific instruction for each day.  On Day 1 the advice is not to say anything negative to your spouse, and on Day 2 the instruction is to do a surprise nice thing for your spouse (such as buying flowers).  This is good advice, and I don’t know any marriage therapist who would argue with it.

Where I have a big problem with the The Love Dare is on Day 23.  On that day the instruction is to remove any addictions or influences that are troubling the relationship.  Caleb realizes that he is addicted to internet porn so on Day 23 he takes the family’s computer outside and literally demolishes it with a aluminum baseball bat.

This guy needs an anger management class. But again I digress.

Porn is not mentioned after this point in the film, so the viewer infers that Caleb conquered his porn addiction on that single day.

I’m here to tell you that people don’t conquer addictions in a day.  Overcoming compulsive behavior is a long process.  Addictions such as porn, alcohol, and drugs take a lot of time and effort to defeat - think years, not days.

Cinco de Mayo 2009

Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

At this point we were about halfway through the 50-minute session, meaning that it was time to delve into the issues and events that brought Cliff and Claire to my office. When I asked the question, they nervously looked at each other as if neither of them wanted to be the first one to answer. Finally Claire spoke up and said, “We’ve been arguing a lot more than usual and the intensity of the arguments has ratcheted way up. Lately whenever it gets bad we are calling each other names and threatening to leave each other. We never did that before.”

I asked if they were arguing about the same issue over and over. Claire replied, “Well, we had been arguing about about bills a lot.  I mean I’m sure you think we must make a lot of money, since Cliff’s a doctor and I’m a lawyer. But since we moved to California our income has gone way down.  Plus we have always spent way too much money and we have never saved any.  Now we have over $20,000 in credit card debt.  I think each of us blames the other for spending too much money…you know, we both like nice things.  But anyway, the last big blowout argument happened when I was looking at the cell phone bill and I noticed that Cliff had been calling one particular number almost every day and talking for a long time…like 45 minutes or so.  This really got my attention because Cliff has never liked talking on the phone and I’m lucky if he calls me at all during the day!”

Claire went on to say that she asked Cliff whose phone number it was, hoping for a reasonable explanation but fearing something much worse.  He said that it was cousin’s phone number and that he had been trying to help out this cousin, who has been going through hard times because he lost his job and the health care coverage for his family. Claire said, “I actually believed this story for a while, but the more I thought about it, I didn’t believe it, because he hardly ever talked about this cousin before.  So I told Cliff I was skeptical and that I was going to call the number, picking up the phone as I spoke.  Cliff stopped me and said, OK, you’re right, it’s not my cousin.  Well, he finally admitted that it’s a woman, a former patient of his, and that they had become friends.  He admitted that they met for lunch once a week in addition to talking on the phone.  He claims that nothing physical happened between them, but I don’t know if I believe this or not.  He said he is sorry, but I just think he’s sorry that he got caught.” Cliff was looking out the window as his wife spoke, watching the squirrels run up and down the trees behind my office, trying to remain calm in what must have been an embarassing moment for him.

I didn’t say anything, hoping that Cliff would speak without being prompted.  After a minute, he did.  “Yes, I have become close friends with Maria, a former patient of mine.  We do talk on the phone and text each often, and yes, we have met for lunch.  I have felt guilty for sneaking around behind Claire’s back, but really, I’ve been so lonely lately, I just needed someone to talk to.  With Maria I can talk for an hour and it seems like only a few minutes have gone by.  Unfortunately, Claire and I don’t talk much, there is a way too much silence when we are together, and I feel like I can’t tell her a lot of things that are going on in my life without her getting upset.”

By this time I was thinking that both Claire and Cliff had told me a lot of things that are going to require exploration in future sessions.  Time was running down towards the end of this session, though. and I asked a few follow-up questions. I told them that I wanted to see each of them individually one time.  They agreed, and we set an appointment for Claire for the following week, and one for Cliff the week after that.

They paid me my fee by check, then we shook hands and they left.  I took a few minutes to make some notes of my impressions of the session and reminders to myself of things that we need to cover later.  I put the notes in their case file.

ACE Train Rolling

Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

Cliff and Claire’s first session with me was scheduled for Wednesday at 6:00 PM. They arrived at my office a few minutes early, sitting down in the waiting room, having braved a driving rainstorm that had begun about an hour before. Both of them wondered what to expect from the session since neither had been in counseling before.

At 6:00 PM I went to the waiting room, introduced myself, and invited Claire and Cliff into my office, pointing out the couch my clients sit on, and welcoming them to my practice. They handed me the paperwork that I had emailed them after they scheduled the appointment. They had filled out the background information forms and had read and signed the Informed Consent document which covers some of the parameters of the counseling process.

I asked them if they had read and understood the Informed Consent document, knowing that some people sign forms without reading them, and wanting to be sure that they understood important things like my cancellation policy; they said they had read the document and agreed to it. Next I took a few minutes to look over the background information forms they had filled out, noticing that Claire was on a medication to help her sleep and that she had suffered from an eating disorder as a teenager. Cliff reported that he had somewhat of a problem with alcohol, occasionally drinking too much in social situations.

Having the formalities out of the way, I began getting to know my new clients.  Claire told me that she is a partner at large law firm, specializing in consumer law, and had recently won a lawsuit against a car repair company. Cliff said that he is a physician in private practice. Cliff and Claire were both born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, and had moved to the San Francisco area about five years ago, wanting to get away from the winter cold of New York, and hoping to advance their careers faster in California.

I asked them how they met. Claire answered with a smile, saying that when they were in undergraduate school at NYU they were in the same American Literature class, and each thought that the other was “cute,” but for a few weeks they didn’t talk to one other, each being too shy to approach the other. But when it came time to form groups for a presentation, the two of them made sure to get into the same group, and the ice was broken. Now having reason to be together, their friendship blossomed rapidly, and very soon they were dating.

Next I asked what attracted them to one another, knowing that this question usually lightens the mood in the counseling office, at least temporarily, since each person will be speaking positively about the other. Cliff and Claire both said that the other person was physically attractive, and Cliff added that he loved (and still loves) Claire’s eyes. Claire grinned at the compliment and countered that she has always loved how Cliff can make her laugh. 

As I always do in the first session, I asked them about the history of their marriage.  Did they consider it to be generally happy?  Mostly unhappy?  Or has it been up and down?  Claire said that in her opinion the first five years of marriage were very happy. After that, a slow decline set in as increasing job responsibilities meant more time spent at work and less time with each other. She had travelled frequently during the early part of her career, and many times they were apart for five days of the week and saw each other only on weekends.  Since they were spending so little time together, they began to drift apart emotionally and physically.

Cliff agreed with most of what Claire had said regarding their history together and added that he blamed her work habits for a lot of their difficulties. He said that a 12-hour work day was routine for Claire, and that he resented it because he knew that as a partner in her law firm she was not required to work long hours.  He said he sometimes wonders if Claire worked so much because she prefers not to be at home with him.

Sailboat Racing, S.F. Bay

Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

My clients’ confidentiality is of the utmost importance. Hence this story is not about a real couple, but the problems that bring the couple to marriage therapy are drawn from various people with whom I have worked. I have blended the issues from a broad range of my actual cases into the lives of one fictional couple, Claire and Cliff.

When Claire and her husband Cliff came to me for marriage counseling, they were on the verge of separation, living unhappy lives, no longer enjoying being together, even feeling contempt for one another as they cycled from one fight and short-lived make-up to the next, gradually losing hope that their relationship would ever improve. Like so many couples, they had waited too long to begin marriage therapy, not seeking professional help when troubles began to invade their lives after the birth of their child, hoping instead that things would get better on their own, convincing themselves they didn’t have the time, money, or energy to see a marriage counselor. I have heard this many times and I always wonder why a happy marriage isn’t at the top of a couple’s priority list and thus more deserving of their time, money, and effort than just about everything else.

Neither Claire nor Cliff had been in counseling prior to meeting with me, other than a few sessions of pre-marital counseling with their pastor, a requirement for getting married in their church. They had seen depictions of therapy on TV and in the movies,  assuming them to be accurate depictions of the process, not realizing that screenwriters often sacrifice reality for the sake of plot development, dramatic value, and, occasionally, humor. 

Once Claire decided that she wanted to attend marriage counseling, she brought it up with her husband. Cliff, like some men, was unenthusiastic about the idea, saying that he was uncomfortable with the thought of airing their “baggage” to a third party. Clair countered that an unbiased third party was precisely what was needed in their situation because they were unable to discuss their more contentious issues in a civil and healthy manner.

Not long after that first discussion about counseling, Cliff and Claire had a particularly nasty argument, raising their voices to one another, calling each other names, which they had done only once before, and the prospect of separation was brought up for the first time. They wondered out loud whether things could ever get better between them, despairing at the thought of spending the rest of their lives just tolerating each other, losing just about any hope for improvement. At that moment Claire again suggesting marriage counseling, and Cliff agreed, not really wanting to leave his wife and child, panicking at the thought of being alone.

Claire called me the next morning and scheduled their first appointment, giving me some background on their situation and asking the usual questions about cost and duration. Fortunately I was able to schedule the appointment for later that same week.

Once Claire and Cliff knew they were about to embark on the counseling process, tensions lessened to some degree and a glimmer of hope returned.  They were able to go the next few days without any arguments.

Claremont Resort, Oakland

Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

Usually my reading interests are limited to photography magazines and the occasional spy or murder mystery, but right now I’m reading a fascinating non-fiction book, Making a Good Brain Great, by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Amen (Three Rivers Press, 2005). As you might surmise from the title, the book is about improving your brain function now as well as keeping it working well even as you age, which, alas, is something that is happening to me.

Amen talks about the importance of being in a loving and physically affectionate relationship. He writes, “men and women need touching, eye contact, and sexual connection to stay healthy. When you feel loved, nurtured, cared for, supported, and intimate, you are much more likely to be happier and healthier.”

St. Michael Church, Livermore

Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

There have been many marriage, relationship, and love books written over the years, some quite good and very popular, but in my opinion, not enough has been written about the corrosive effect that low self-esteem inflicts upon a marriage, a problem that I see on a daily basis.

Individuals with self-esteem problems may view themselves in one or more of the following ways: deficient, lacking, a “loser”, hard to love, or unworthy of love. Now, since I believe the key relationship question is: “how much do I matter to you?”, those people with a self-image of unworthiness are going to be haunted frequently by doubts about how much they matter to the spouse, because they don’t feel deserving enough.

As a result, low self-esteem individuals tend to be on-guard to an extreme degree for perceived slights from the spouse or for any sign of a problem in the marriage. They typically will react defensively and strongly when they feel some type of threat. This means there will be more conflict than is normal when self-esteem is an issue.

Another problem exacerbated by low self-esteem is non-communication, and I’ll talk more about that in my next post.