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May 22

Passive/Aggressive Behaviors

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication

After reading last week’s post on passive-aggressive behavior (aggressive behavior cloaked in a curtain of passivity), you may be more curious about additional signs of passive-aggressiveness. Based on an article by Cathy Meyer, a Marriage Educator, some additional signs are:

  • Ambiguity: The passive-aggressive person typically does not say what s/he really wants to say or mean what s/he does actually communicate. S/he can be extremely ambiguous and the best way to learn how a passive-aggressive person thinks or feels about an issue is the way he or she behaves.
  • Forgetfulness: One way to conveniently avoid responsibility is to conveniently “forget”… Forgetting important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, date night, etc. is an easy way to indirectly inflict pain or punish a spouse or partner.
  • Blaming: Another way to avoid responsibility is to blame. A passive-aggressive person believes that s/he is never at fault and will most likely point the finger at you (easiest target) and, if not you, then something or someone else.
  • Lack of Expressed Anger: While the passive-aggressive person may seem copacetic with whatever you want, that is rarely the case. For whatever reason (e.g., anger is unacceptable; I must keep the peace; I don’t want to be exposed, etc.), this person will “stuff” the anger and go along with whatever (accommodate), but will then find some under-handed way to get back at you.
  • Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
  • Fear of Intimacy: Related to dependency, the passive-aggressive person fears intimacy and trust. S/he will guard against becoming too attached and may create distance or punish the significant other if s/he feels this is happening in the relationship.
  • Obstructionism: It is important to the passive-aggressive person that you do not get what you want. S/he will act like it is important and a priority but will either make you wait a long time or will never follow through. Thus, it can be confusing because what is said and what is actually done are two very different things. Further, you can begin to feel like you are too demanding, which is exactly what the passive-aggressive person wants.
  • Victimization: Along with not accepting responsibility for anything and believing that s/he has no faults, the passive-aggressive person feels that s/he is often treated unfairly. For example, because being late was the slow grocery store cashier’s fault, s/he is “innocent” and the victim. S/he will feel very confused, attacked and outraged that you would even think to get upset. Thus, it is your fault. You are the one with unreasonable and overly demanding expectations…yet again. Or, the passive-aggressive person will sarcastically retort: “Yeah, I’m just terrible. It’s all my fault. I’m such a horrible person.” Of course, s/he does not believe this to be true but still avoids any real responsibility or discussion about what is really going on.
  • Procrastination: Deadlines do not exist for the passive-aggressive person. S/he does things in her or his own time frame and assumes that everyone else understands and complies with this. Or else.

It is clear how these traits and passive-aggressive behavior in general can impair or dissolve a relationship over time and make you wonder if it was ever “real” to begin with. It is miserable for both the person with the passive-aggressive tendencies as well as for the partner or spouse who feels totally drained, torn down, and tired of the “crazy making” interactions. Finding support can be the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling existence for both people in the relationship and to further understand this behavior and the role it plays in each partner’s life.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 at 7:10 pm and is filed under Communication.

5 Responses to “Passive/Aggressive Behaviors”

  1. Co Co Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Thank you for posting this blog!!! It was very helpful and informative!! Would you please help me find a therapist who specializes in passive aggressive behavior who practices in New York and sees patients/clients on weekends? My boy friend suffers with this and I know that a talented therapist could help!!

    I really hope that you will get back to me! Thank you again!

  2. Cassie Foyle Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 11:00 am

    I am glad that I came across your Blog. My husband is not only Passive-Aggressive, he also has many beers at night. This of course makes matters worse and intensified.
    I know that he will not seek counseling so it is up to me to either put up with or break off the marriage. This would be extremely hard for me since I collect SS Disability and we only have one car. I am so very confused. I have talked to councilors in the past who could not help with any resources, for example Section 8, or what to do. It would be so helpful to me to hear what you have to say.
    Will be waiting for your opinion, with hope. -Cassie

  3. Candace Says:
    September 2nd, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    For 31 years of marriage I put up with the passive aggressiveness of my ADHD husband. After a particular bad year for me this year, I can no longer tolerate it. I’m in counseling with PTSD and my husband has now lost his job. Our daughter is offering to help us out financially by actually paying our bills when all I want is a temporary loan to get through the next couple of months until I get stable emotionally and hopefully find a job. I worked with my husband in his insurance business up until 3 years ago and then got ill, got better and then had to take care of my dad. My husband says he won’t do anything financially until we’re in agreement, but he went behind my back - again - and did what he wanted. He wonders why I always feel like it’s HIS money and not mine - this is why. There is so much more, but I don’t know if this marriage can be saved - any ideas?

  4. Anonymous Says:
    January 16th, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    This is my husband well soon to be ex husband to a T. I am so glad I have asked him to move out and am moving on with out him. It is still pretty hard because we have 3 small kids that have to go back and forth and he tries to use them to control me. He moved in November and I am filing for the divorce by the end of the month. 9 years was more than enough for me.

  5. b randolph Says:
    February 6th, 2012 at 10:25 am

    YOUR KNOLEDGE is helpful. IAM LOOKING FOR A THERAPIST IN
    MONTGOMERY ALA!!! JAM READY TO QUIT, BUT IF I KNEW THERE WAS A HOPE IT WOULD MAKE SUCH A DIFFERENCE

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