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Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? In my experience, a person resorts to silence when they are angry and/or hurt and either (1) unable to communicate their feelings, or (2) want to punish their spouse. Or both.
The person who is choosing silence has temporarily claimed some power in the relationship. Things are going to be on hold until he or she decides to end the silence. The other person may be protesting the situation and making repeated attempts to repair things, but it only ends when the silent person wants it to end. That’s a position of power that the silent person may feel they normally are lacking.
To be on the receiving end of silence is no fun. In fact, it’s painful. Some clients have told me how they develop physical symptoms and/or acute depression after a few days of no communication with the person they love.
When I encounter this situation in my counseling office I usually ask the silent person a few thought-provoking questions. These are:
- What benefits are you receiving from this situation?
- What will make you decide to end the silence?
- What effect do you think this is having on your spouse?
I think the first question is the most important one. It usually takes some time for the person to figure out the answer, but when they do, they usually realize that are making a big mistake.
Tags: Communication, silence
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm and is filed under Communication.
8 Responses to “Punishment by Silence”
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January 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Hi Jay,
I’m an MA too and I learnt some counselling while doing Psychology at the university. I’m following your blog as a girl and a professional! Great insights
Cheerio!
Anuja
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
What happens when you decide to be silent in response to silence????? My husband doesn’t want to communicate & I try talking (over & over again) but he just doesn’t talk.
So, I have reverted to silence in response. I’m tired of chasing him around trying to get him to tell me why he is angry with me. He might as well get a taste of his own medicine.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 am
Yasmin,
Please consider marriage counseling. It sounds as if neither of you is happy. If you email me and tell me where you’re located, I might be able to recommend a counselor in your area.
-Jay
January 4th, 2010 at 2:03 am
My wife happens to resort to silence whenever she feels I have done wrong. Most of the time, it would be something very minor or noyhing at all and I have tried to get her to learn to communicate with no success. It makes me the unhappiest man on earth to an extent that I have considered abondoning her and fleeing to an overseas country but I’m always held back by our 6 year old daughter who I love so much.
Plaese advise.
June 29th, 2010 at 1:41 am
you do not know how painful it feels when you try to communicate the same thing over and over to make your spouse aware of certain behavious that annoy you or hurt your feelings but the situation does not change. It makes me feel gratified to see him suffer by giving him the silent punishment. My husband is very rude and often humiliates me in front of people I consider my minors. He goes to an extend of telling that I can not dictate or choose how he has to talk to me.
August 28th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
I have question …the person I was involved with hurt me..he reversed the anger on me for knowing. begged my forgivness then next day
‘needed time” I had never said an unkind word to him in 12 years now he will not text call or say anything. I have sent 2 texts that were like a “me” he never knew. I told him I was glad it was over etc etc and as well told him I almost had him completely deleted from my mind and as well his lies. got nothing ..nothing. however when we pass he will look at me but I delib turn my head. will this guy ever speak to me ..what the heck does this silence mean. unless it means he thinks his innocent little miss never say anything bad has snapped lol . im 41 female thanks. he is like a hermit we live in a matchbox town and he never has a girl with him never . his daughter controls his every move and she is barely a teen and overly jealous of him as well. was I a benefit for 12 years?
November 13th, 2010 at 4:03 am
Mybe you are better off wiyhout him.
August 3rd, 2011 at 1:27 am
I have been in two relationships in which I was often given the silent treatment. These women were similar in personality. Perfectionists who were really insecure about themselves and their looks. They regarded most “need to talk” from me as criticism. They were usually very closed up and never willing to tell me what was bothering them so much. And when they did it was always after days of silence; right before bedtime, so even then they could cut it short and leave me to wonder. It felt they did this on purpose; which made it even more difficult to deal with. It was of course always something small of which I did not know it could spawn this “silent treatment”. It hurt a lot up to a point where I hardly slept, did not eat and my heart was racing all the time from having my existence denied. It took a lot of constraint not to become very angry and I lost a lot of feeling of self-worth.
I have learned to deal with it however. I shall never be in such a relationship again; I will kindly and clearly ask once, and only once, what is wrong and beg for a resolution using words. If this is not granted I shall just move on and find a more worthy woman to spend my life with.
I have found one about a year ago who speaks up and is willing to listen when I speak up. We agree on most things and when there is something bothering either one of us; we can just talk about it like adults. It is great. She is clever, sweet and incredibly beautiful.
My point is; if getting the silent treatment hurts so much, get out of the relationship for I am pretty sure anyone who applies this treatment can never fully satisfy you in your communication needs, even when you are not given this treatment.