A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Posts Tagged ‘abuse’
One more post about domestic violence. It’s a good one, though.
When we think about men who are violent towards women, we naturally think of the man as of being in a position of power over the woman. Typically, he is physically stronger, and he is using his strength to hurt her and to intimidate her.
Yet ironically, even though we think of the abusive male as being powerful, he is being abusive because he feels inadequate. He feels bad about himself for some reason, and he defends and compensates against this feeling by exerting his physical strength against a weaker victim.
What are some things that the violent man might feel inadequate about? Here are a few:
- he has just lost his job, or had some other major setback in his life.
- he doesn’t like his job or is doing poorly at his job.
- his wife/girlfriend is more successful than he is; perhaps she makes more money or just received a promotion.
- his wife/girlfriend has a better education than he does.
- his wife/girlfriend has left him (possibly due to previous violence).
All men feel inadequate at times. The issue is how well the feelings are dealt with. Obviously, a man with a strong ego and decent self-esteem is able to handle situations like these in healthier ways.
It is hard for many people to fathom why an abused woman would stay in her relationship. We might ask, “how can I help her to see that she needs to get out?” But let’s not judge someone until we’ve “walked a mile in her moccasins!” (Or let’s Trade Places like we talked about here a few weeks ago!)
Consider things from her perspective:
- She may feel financially dependent on her husband/boyfriend and believe that she could not support herself and her children if she were on her own.
- She may be afraid of:
- Greater physical danger to herself and/or her children if she tries to leave.
- Being stalked and beaten worse than before.
- Emotional damage to her children.
- Losing custody of her children.
- The unknown. (”Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”)
- Making formidable life changes.
- She may still love him. It sounds crazy, but emotional dependence is powerful. She may still see the “good” in him and think that he won’t hurt her again. In fact, during the “good” times, when he is not abusing her, he may seem like a great husband.
- She may have strong religious convictions and believe that divorce is wrong.
Again, it’s best not to judge someone until we put ourselves in her shoes. And let’s be careful not to blame the victim. After all, it’s not her fault that she’s in a violent relationship.
I was conversing with some fellow marriage therapists about the difficulties faced by adults who were sexually abused when they were children. One therapist reminded us of a great scene from the movie Forrest Gump. Remember Forrest’s girlfriend Jenny, whom he met on the first day of school? Her father abused her when she was a young girl. When Jenny and Forrest go back to her home town and come upon the run-down shack where Jenny suffered at the hands of her father, she flies into a rage and begins hurling stones at the shack. She keeps this up until there are no more stones to be found. Then Forrest utters the very eloquent line, “Sometimes there just ain’t enough stones.”
That’s a great commentary on the anger that continues into the adulthood of those who survived childhood abuse.
In marriage therapy the issues of childhood abuse sometimes surface. The survivor may have chosen to be in, or to remain in, a destructive relationship. She may have a hard time maintaining appropriate boundaries and have difficulty resolving conflicts. A good marriage therapist needs to inquire about the childhood of his or her clients and deal appropriately with those who suffered abuse as children.
Remember when you were a kid and you got in trouble for calling someone a name? Did your mother wash your mouth out with soap? Or did your kindergarten teacher make you stand in the corner? Hopefully most of us learned at some point or another during our childhood that it is wrong to call someone else a name - especially to his or her face.
What names do kids call each other now? I shudder to think! When I was a boy, things were pretty tame compared to how they are now. Calling someone a “dumb head” was about as bad as it got.
And of course, as kids we had the classic response: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Wrong! Names can hurt. They can hurt a lot.
There is a nation-wide movement afoot now to address the problem and try to reduce the frequency and intensity of name-calling among school-age children. The program is targeted toward grades 5 through 8, which seems to be when the problem is particularly acute. It is an annual event called No Name-Calling Week.
I am in favor of No Name-Calling Week (who could be opposed to it?) but I would like to take this no name-calling concept to the next level, as they say. I would like to propose the No Name-Calling Marriage. Notice that I did not limit my plan to one week. By not specifying a time limit, I am implying that it has to last for the duration of the marriage.
As a marriage therapist working with 25 to 30 couples at any given time, it’s pretty rare for me to get rattled. Yet -somehow - during a marriage counseling session, when I hear about an instance of name-calling between the two spouses, it rivets my attention and disappoints me. I always stop and explain that name-calling is never a good idea in a loving relationship.
Name-calling within a relationship is usually considered to be verbal abuse. At the very least, it is a form of contempt, which is something I strive to eliminate in a relationship. I ask couples who are counseling with me to commit to no abuse any kind, and this includes verbal abuse.
Do you really want to hurt and/or put down the person you love? I certainly hope not. Don’t call that person a name. And don’t let him or her call you a name either.
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