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Posts Tagged ‘anger’


Feb 23

Believing In The One You’re With

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
Marriage Dynamics

Think back to your childhood.  Do you remember a time when you got in trouble or were punished for something you didn’t intend to do?  Take a moment now to put yourself back in that situation and recall how you felt as your parent (or caregiver) reacted without even trying to understand what actually happened. Did you feel angry? Misunderstood? Hurt? Unnecessarily criticized? Unfairly treated? Disrespected?

Most likely, you can identify with this. You might have even have sworn that you would never do this to someone else. The unfortunate reality is that many of us end up doing this to our partner or spouse!  Sadly, a sudden and often intense reaction (that can end up feeling like a punishment to the other person) often precedes a full understanding of the situation.

Here’s a “for instance”. A friend of mine described an outing she had with her husband. They went on a bike ride, sharing quality time and enjoying the sunny weather. Everything was going well until her husband accidentally cut her off on the bike path, resulting in her losing her balance and falling. She verbally lashed out at him. Yes, of course, she was hurt, but did her husband did not intend for that to happen.

So what went wrong?  My friend assumed that her husband cut her off intentionally. Instead of assuming the best about him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the worst. She didn’t gain any information or try to understand whether or not he meant to cut her off. You might be thinking, “Well, she still fell and got hurt, whether he meant to cut her off or not.”  Yes.  But that doesn’t justify her yelling at her husband about it.

The effect of not giving your partner or spouse the benefit of the doubt has its consequences. In the above example, the husband felt extraordinarily hurt and angry due to feeling completely misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and disrespected.

Bottom line: While it might be difficult at times, practice assuming the best about your partner or spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt in all situations—even when you are adversely affected—until you have information or understanding to prove otherwise. When your partner or spouse does something that makes you feel like lashing out or criticizing, take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that giving him or her the benefit of the doubt is a way to diffuse tension, misunderstandings, and potential retaliations. And it’s also a powerful act of love and respect. And I guarantee that in the end, you’ll feel better about yourself too.