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Posts Tagged ‘argument’


Feb 16

Marriage Therapist’s Tip #6: Learn How to Discuss the Issues

By Jay Slupesky
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Marriage Therapist's Tips

Happy Couple after Marriage TherapyEvery couple has some issues that they disagree about. If you would like to make your marriage even better, you can polish your discussion skills. How can you do that?  Here are five good ways recommended by author John Gottman:

  • Start Softly.  It’s important to start the discussion in a calm and respectful way. It’s good make I statements, not You statements, and describe the problem without making a judgment.
  • Make and Receive Repair Attempts. Throughout the discussion, remember to point out the aspects that you agree about. This helps to deescalate tension.  Maintain a sense of humor.   If you realize that you’re wrong about something, don’t hesitate to say so. Apologize if you say something you regret.
  • Soothe Yourself, Soothe Your Spouse.  It’s hard to think rationally when you’re angry.  So it’s best for an angry person to soothe himself or herself before continuing the discussion. Take a break.  Go for a walk. Then come back and continue the discussion when you’ve calmed yourself.
  • Compromise. In a happy marriage, there is going to be a lot of compromising. If one person gets their way most of the time, the other person is going to build up resentment. If you’re going to compromise, you can’t close your mind off to considering what your spouse wants.
  • Be Tolerant of One Another’s Faults.  No one is perfect.  If you expect perfection, it’s going to be difficult for you and your spouse to solve problems. Instead, focus your thoughts on your spouse’s positive aspects so that you can live with their imperfections.



Feb 10

Marriage Therapist’s Tip #4: Identify Your Roles

By Jay Slupesky
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Marriage Therapist's Tips

Couple Arguing - Before Marriage TherapyMany couples tell me that their marriage would be better if they didn’t have so many disagreements. In fact…is there any couple that would like more disagreements in their marriage?  No, we want less conflict. Fewer arguments, in other words. How can you do that?  Well, one really good way to begin that process is to identify the roles that you and your spouse play when it comes to talking about issues that you disagree about. 

Most often what we see is that one spouse plays the role we call the “pursuer” and the other is the “withdrawer.”  The pursuer and the withdrawer. 

What is a pursuer? Here are some of the things I hear pursuers say: “He ignores me.  He’s hardly ever around.  He works too much.  He never listens to me.  I’m not very high on his priority list.   He doesn’t listen to me.   I feel like we’re just roommates.”  Does any of that sound like someone you know?  

Now, what does a withdrawer say?  Check these out: “She takes little things and blows them way out of proportion.  She brings up things that happened 10 years ago.  Sometimes I feel like I never get it right.  I’m not sure I could ever make her happy.  When she gets angry I just shut down and want to get away.”

Have you figured out whether you are a pursuer or a withdrawer?  What about your spouse? Typically the woman is the pursuer and the man is the withdrawer.

So once you and your spouse know which roles you play, how do you use that knowledge to improve your marriage?Answer: if you’re a pursuer, you can work on “softening” the things you say, such as changing critical statements into I statements that talk about how you feel.  For example, “I feel lonely when you work so late” is much softer than “you work too much.”  This kind of phrasing improves communication and makes your spouse less defensive.  If you’re a withdrawer, you can resolve to try to stay more engaged in discussions, which becomes easier once the pursuing spouse begins to soften her communication.



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